Hi, I Am Jeni

[Guest Jeni]

Hi I am new to the site and have never discussed these things with anybody ever before. I think it is about time I did.

A brief history...

My earliest memory is of wanting my Mom to paint my fingernails. I was about five. My folks have a cute little picture of me pulling out dresser drawers to climb up to my Moms jewelry box, I remember that too, but they didn't know that I wanted to wear jewelry like Mom. That was at about five too. There was some young girls clothing stored in my bedroom that I used to try on sometimes. Then I was eventually caught wearing panty hose a few years later.

Because I felt my Mom and Dad wouldn't love me anymore I learned to suppress my feminine instincts but they never went away. I don't think a single day in my life has gone by where a large number of mental clock cycles haven't been dedicated to thinking about it.

I had a young friend, Jenny. She was so cute I wanted to be just like her. Thats where I got the name Jeni from.

It drove me nuts when I was a teen. I used to sneak and wear girls clothes every chance I got. But I never came out about it. I always kept it hidden away. I was afraid of what my parents and my brothers and family friends and friends would think. Blatant cowardice.

I even went so far as to get married and have kids being determined to live a "normal" life. I love my kids and would die for them but I can't help but think that I didn't mess up from the very begining by not exerting my need to be female.

Now my youngest son is getting older and I am starting to think that I don't want to get old and die without ever having lived as a woman. I agonize over this every day and have every day of my life.

I don't even know where to start. I have never even been with a guy before. I guess you could call me a virgin. Having sex with a woman for me was duty not drive. But when I finally have sex with a guy I don't want it to be like a guy on guy thing. Maybe that sounds weird but I really want to be the girl in the relationship.

I have another problem in that I don't look or sound feminine at all. I hate looking in a mirror because I just see a guy looking back at me and I hate that.

I have done some blogging on other sites. Not related to sexual subjets. I found that people were just assuming I was a girl. I really liked that. I don't know for sure but I felt like that was because the real person inside me was coming out in conversation. People accepted me as a female, hurray.

But that just highlights the greater point. I can't say for sure that I was born as a woman in a mans body but I can definitely say that I feel that way and have as long as I can recall. Now the question is what to do about it.

I should have come out when I was young. I should have come out when I was a teen. I should have come out before I got married. I should have come out before I had children.

I have no idea how to get from here to there but I felt talking about it with others who would understand was a good place to start.

Thank you for listening.

[Guest Frank67]

Hello Jeni,

you found the right place to talk about your feelings to others, there are so many nice people here, just come to the chat and say hello.

so, welcome to this side Jeni

Frank

[Guest Courtney Hamilton]

Woulda's, Coulda's, Shoulda's.......there gone. It's what you do with the present that matters.

[Guest leo]

i agree with courtney (above)

its about what you do now thats important

im 18 and no im trans but i may end up not doing anything about it because i am so scared to tell people and dissapoint them

i dont no what first steps to take

[Guest Donna Jean]

i agree with courtney (above)

its about what you do now thats important

im 18 and no im trans but i may end up not doing anything about it because i am so scared to tell people and dissapoint them

i dont no what first steps to take

Dear, you can't go your whole life trying to keep from disappointing everyone. You can't please everybody, so, you've got to please yourself!*

HUGGS

Donna Jean

*(Thanks, Ricky Nelson)

[Guest leo]

i know, when i came out as lesbian because i liked girls to my parents i think it really hurt them

[Guest Jeni]

Thanks everybody for your replies. It's nice knowing you are not alone. This is something that has dominated my thoughts every day my entire life yet I have never once discussed it with anybody. I am feeling a great need to do something about it. If possible I would not spend so much as an additional second with so much as an iota of maleness but as you all know its not as easy as all that to shake. It takes time, money, effort, and hurt. I have decied to do something. Now I must decide what and when.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond.

[MaryEllen]

Hello Jeni,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

MaryEllen

[Guest jantonio]

Hi Jeni welcome to the playground.

Jose Antonio...

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Wow - I wish i had seen your post earlier - Turkey Day holidays I guess.

Let me say - welcome!

Also, your story is like mine.

And you must not worry about sexual orientation right now - first find out who you are in your heart. The rest comes or doesn't as needed.

I know I was transsexual from age 6 (earlier I guess but I just thought I was a person - didn't care about gender). I spent my whole life as what I thought was a girl who grew up in a male body. I married three times and have three children (yes I am an old mare now) My current wife supports me as I am 'out" (takes a while to get accustomed to that word) to her. We are old enough to make things work, but it is a difficult thing to maintain a relationship when you are transsexual - imagine two women in the same house - ha!.

People here can give you advice and information. I like that about this site. They can also talk you through a crisis - as if you are like me, you can get incredibly sad sometimes, or have something terrible happen to you (seems terrible at the time anyway) .

We need each other - everyone here knows what you are going through.

Don't forget to check out the chat - it can be dominated by the younger people, but hang in there, someone will talk with you (hint - bring up a serious subject like 'shaving your legs' (that's serious?) and watch everyone respond - ha).

[Guest Ginag]

Hi Jeni,

I am also new to this site, this is my second day, and have never shared my feminine feelings with anyone. It is amazing how much your story resembles mine. I have a beautiful loving wife and wonderful grown children. I have had the desire to be female since around five years old, but I fought the instincts because that was what was expected. But now after over 40 years, I can no longer control the female emotions that are raging inside me. I too, have recently decided to seek gender counseling and will take this one day at a time. Good luck!

Gina G