I am without treatment once again!

[Guest Emily Ray]

I am in emotional survival mode once again, which for me means I am numb to the world and could care less if it burned down tomorrow with or without me. Why? You might be asking. Because some woman at Melrose Institute believes Chestnut is a risk to the other clients and staff and has said she can't come with me to treatment. I have filed my complaints with the appropriate people and there is little else that I can do.

So, without the support of treatment I am unable to overcome my eating disordered thoughts and they are raging. I have had maybe 500 calories since Sunday afternoon. I can't seem to get that worked up about my health, my life or any dream that I once had. I'm not suggesting I will off myself this week or even next, but without a serious comitment on the part of my local VA I won't be making Christmas either.

Emily Ray

[Guest rikkicd64]

Emily,please reconsider, you have come to far,I have faith that you can beat this, a lot of us here really care if you live or die. I am keeping you in my prayers, remember you are a sister all of us.

Luv...Rikki...

[Guest Jenny C]

One second at a time... You have all is needed. Your are in control.

One small bite at a time.

You are the one an I believe in you.

You know you can.

One second at a time.

Take it slowly and whatever success, do cherish it. You are worth it.

You can. Nobody else.

Praying for you and sending you tons of Love,

Jenny

[Drea]

Sounds like your problems with the VA are continuing.

I think I asking something others are curious about as well. after all the legal actions you initiated against them, I am kinda curious, what was the outcome?

[Guest Emily Ray]

I don't think this is the time to discuss it. Right now I am in a battle for my life.

Huggs

Emily

[Carolyn Marie]

Emily, as gently as I can put this, you need to be more flexible in your attitude towards the rules that various institutions have. The staff person has more to consider than your comfort, she has the health and safety of the other program participants to consider. Sometimes rules aren't put in place just to be arbitrary, they have legitimate purposes. You need to be able to make those adjustments when things are not entirely to your liking, because ofttimes, they won't be. We live in the world that is, not in the world we wish it to be.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Otto]

it is hard, but remember, Even if they give you support and therapy, the one who has to change is you, If you want to recover, you have to start doing some work by yourself.

I've been in recovery for one year, I had ups and downs, days I wouldn't eat or barely, and days I would overeat and purge it and feel guilty, everything stabilizes little by little dear, recovery can last even 10 or more years!

Those thoughts and habits doesn't go away in a day, a week, a month or even a year.

I have an idea for you:

Do the pro's and con's of recovery and of anorexia,

you're going to see there's more negative than positive.

Also I would suggest you to try to avoid counting calories, it is VERY triggering: I know it's hard to let it go, sometimes I still measure/weight my food and count the calories, but that gives you even more guilt.

Another tip; start reintroducing foods little by little, just like the portions, start doing 3 or 2 little meals, and keep increasing with the time: this will make you feel more comfortable with eating, eating a normal portion in one time will make you feel horrible, could potentially make you sick and that's no good for your physical and psychological health.

Please, if you need help, feel free to message me, I'll do whatever I can to help you as much as possible.

Be strong!

[KathrynJulia]

Emily my sister, what Carolyn and Otto have written is the truth and their love for you shines like the sun. Full of warmth and love. You have powerful friends in this comunity whose love is beaming to you. They want you well and they just want you to be alive and healthy and in control of your life. You are a valuable member of the strength of this community. We need everyone for we are few in number. We miss everyone and care about each other. That is the strength we have. We refuse to give up on you. You are us and we are you honey. Please think about what Carolyn and Otto have written. The VA is a big beauracracy that sometimes has to run on rules or it would grind to a halt and be able to help no one. I want the best care for you sister of mine. I want you up, healthy, feeling wonderfully alive and reaching out to all the people who love and care about you. I've prayed that the Lord send down an angel to wrap you in his love and protect you Emily. Please take life in baby steps towards life. Love Kathryn

[Michelle 2010]

Growing up on the coast of Florida, as a child I was warned about Rip Tides, also known as Undertows. When an Undertow grabs you, I was told, it is important to remember you can't fight it because it is so much stronger.

It is important to remember that it doesn't last forever, that it will carry you down the beach, sometimes into a little deeper water, but that it eventually releases you. If you fight it, you put yourself in danger, sometimes deadly danger... It is always stronger and never tires.

As a human fighting an undertow, I risk drowning. It is important to not panic and remember it doesn't last forever... it will pass... unless I panic and struggle against it. When that happens, there is a good possibility I will become exhausted and maybe die, unless someone throws me a life line. If we are lucky when we are fighting an undertow, we can recognize the lifelines when they come our way...

If I let the undertow carry me until it lets me go, I can swim safely back on the beach, enjoying what it has to offer, or perhaps heading for home just a little shaken. Unless of course, I like fighting the undertow...

Michelle

[Guest Maria_B]

Can't fight the undertow, as Michelle says. You can win if you let go.

The VA isn't out to get Chestnut or you, all animals have risks associated with them. Even a trained service dog can cause allergic reactions, it's out of her control.

I urge you, Chestnut will be fine by herself or in the hands of a carer until you get back to her, don't go without treatment because of this. You'll miss Chestnut, thats true, and you'll definitely feel a lot less secure, but it also makes time with her more valuable. Your health is worth it.

[Guest Emily Ray]

I am willing to go to inpatient treatment without Chestnut. That is not the issue with melorse though. They are violating federal law which states that they must allow Chestnut to accompany me anywhere the general public is allowed to go. I didn't write the law 22 years ago. That was someone else's battle. But now it is the law and it should be followed. I filed my complaint with the DOJ and have moved on. I was given the number to the chief of VA mental Health in Washington and called for their assistance in getting treatment at another center. Within 2 hours my local VA called me and said they would be able to help me get the treatment I need. My choice is between Fargo, ND and Iowa City, IA. Both have excelent university based programs. I think I will push for the Iowa program because Iowa protects transgender rights and North Dakota doesn't. I would hate to go there and then be expected to use the mens bathroom. In Iowa at least I know that won't happen to me.

Huggs

Emily