Confused and Nervous

[Guest Elyrik]

Uhm hi, so first off, I'm new, so I apologize in ahead of time if this is in the wrong place or whatnot.

Secondly, I guess I should probably just get to it then. My name's Michelle, at least, so says the state of California, and most people who know me, I don't really have any others, but that's just for the purpose of introduction really. As of biology, currently, I'm an 18 year old girl. And sorry for the length of this.

Anyways... So I'm just kind of rambling, and honestly it's because I'm kind of nervous. Terrified is more the word, really, but nervous feels better to admit to. My whole life I've been a little, well, off. Until going into fourth grade I thought I was a boy. Not just in the play around child sense, but the fact that I really thought the more I corrected my mother that I was, in fact, "a boy, mom, not a girl.", the quicker my "parts" would change.

When I went to fourth grade I'm not sure what happened, somewhere between the constant bullying and my mother and grandmother telling me to be a girl, I decided that girls were far better than boys and that I could do everything a boy could do, ten times better. I got angry at tonka truck commercials for only having boys and for doll commercials to show girls as weak and sissy. At 11 years old I had all the makings of a "peed off radical feminist" as my grandma would say. (and if you happen to be one, more power to ya, I'm not trying to put anyone down at all.)When I was 11, I went to foster care for 6 months and kind of became the school yard rough-and-tumble girl bully. I played kickball, I pulled girls hair, I started food fights, ect.

My Sophomore year, a year after moving to Sacramento, I met the then love of my life, who four months into our relationship came to terms that he was transgender, started seeing a gender therapist, and a year later started his testosterone treatments, four months after he proposed. Things didn't work out, but it was serious joy in my life the days he and our friend would decided to have a "look how far we've come" crossdressing day for the fun of them not having to pretend to be women anymore. The reason why being the fact that I got to wear his binder, they helped me get "passing" and I got to be "Derrick" for the night.

My crossdressing has never gone away completely from childhood, but recently it's been more frequent. For my 18th birthday I had a drag party mainly for the fact that I truly felt more comfortable that way. I've always hung out with mostly boys, and my last boyfriend broke up with me partially for being to much of a guy. (I did initiate fight club in his front yard, so that may be part of it). I get a lot of questions on transgender stuff because of my ex, and more recently inquiring on my own gender, but I don't have an answer.

I would rather have been born a boy. That much I know as simple fact. I know that when people call me a girl I get physically angry for reasons I can't explain. She pronouns are a small tick in my brain. My friends, and my family especially, telling me to act like a girl makes me really angry. And for some reason, when my female friends try to comfort me by telling me I make a great girl it leaves sort of an awful taste in my mouth.

I'm not sure I'm really a guy either though. For instance, randomly I'll get the need to put on a ball gown and feel like a princess. When I try to pin down being a guy I feel like I'm forcing myself to do it, but I feel sick when I consider pinning myself down to being a girl. I wear neutral clothes and I've always had short hair, but I still wear a wire push up bra, and I am a female to the public, except for one person. I guess what I'm getting at, is that regardless of which gender I try to put myself in, I feel like a fraud and a liar. Like someone is going to find out I'm not "really a girl", or when I cross dress, that I'm not "really a guy".

So I'm scared, a little, confused, a lot, and it's taking serious strain on my life. As it is, I'm not sure seeing any therapist is even possible right now. I could really, desperately, use some help.

Edited June 29, 2012 by Carolyn Marie
Font size increased in sympathy to the far-sighted

[Guest vtphoenix]

I'd like to share something I read once. It's an answer to the question: How do I deal with conflicting maculine/feminine feelings? The answer is from Melanie Anne Phillips at http://heartcorps.com/journeys/everything/q_and_a.

"Actually, I wouldn't worry about the conflicting feelings you have from time to time. After all, they only conflict in TIME. In space, they are all a part of you and exist in perfect harmony. It is when we lock ourselves in both time and space and say that we must only feel THIS way all the TIME, THEN we have problems.

Allow yourself to feel differently at different times. Allow yourself to be who you are not based on a single facet, but on the sum of all the facets that are naturally you. As long as it is honest, each little part is a part of you. And subjugating any of them just to be consistent is to deny a part of yourself. That is the greatest dishonesty of all. For a TS, one of the hardest things to learn is that you are not a woman until you are unafraid to be masculine when you feel it."

I thought it might help by giving you something to contemplate during this confusing time. Don't worry. It's perfectly normal and okay to be confused, but it sounds like you're exploring your feelings so I think you're on the right track. Just remember that "there is a difference between knowing the path and walking the path."

That quote is from "The Matrix" and I don't even care that it is from a "masculine" movie. It's still one of my favorite movies of all time