I told my wife

[Guest Kendra K]

So I’m out to my wife. For the second time… sort of. Three years or four years ago I uttered two short words “I’m transgender” when I was freaking out about a certain part of me not working right in the bedroom. We hadn’t talked about it since. Not sure if she remembered that, I’d guess yes.

So I’m out to her, during our Anniversary weekend, which isn’t when I wanted to do it. Our plan was to go to the movies and to a fancy restaurant afterward. She said she wasn’t sure how fancy it was at that I may have to wear a suit and tie. Now she certainly knows I dislike suits & ties so she was teasing me, but seeing the look on my face (hidden by sunglasses) she said that the thought looked painful to me (which is true).

We drove to the big bad city to celebrate. Our daughter was going to stay with my aunt, who she likes. After dropping her off, we drove downtown.

Since we knew we’d be having a large dinner, we just stopped for a snack for lunch. While we were eating she was talking about how she noticed that I have looked worried lately. She asked if it was her, I said no. She said if it’s about our life, I shrugged. She said if I’m ever going to tell her and I said yes. She said that she’s going to assume the worse (which that was the big push for me to open up to her).

So we went to the department store. She wanted to use the bathroom, which is in the women’s department (which was kind of ironic considering my feelings). So we left and I lead her to a quiet area and told her.

I didn’t get into too much detail. I said about how going to clothes stores I go past the women’s sections and see tons of stuff I love and then end up in the men’s department and see very little I like. I really don’t remember what I talked about. Unlike my prior coming out to my now ex-boss there wasn’t tears

from me (maybe because of my lack of drinks this time?). I told her that I had been emotionally breaking down every day lately.

She said that she thought maybe I was sick (dying, etc) or I was leaving her or something like that. I said no, I love her and my not coming out to her was because I was worried about losing her.

My wife was sympathetic/understanding the whole time. She said things like she kind of knew, something to the extent of we are who we are, and things like that. She asked if I wanted to become a woman and I said I don’t know (I really have no clue about that). She did say that she’s “not a lesbian”, so maybe that would mean a divorce if I went further down the line.

I said that I think I need to talk to someone about this. She said she’ll ask a coworker about it, who may know a gender specialist. She said she’ll say it’s for a friend because she doesn’t want it to get into her work (which is understandable).

So things have changed. I’m more at ease that the one person who I love the most knows. I’ll likely be starting counseling, which is comforting and terrifying.

What hasn’t changed is I still will be wearing what I don’t want to wear. With my wife knowing maybe I can try little things to make me feel better like “underdressing”, shaving my legs (really excited at this, but it’ll have to wait until at least after our vacation), painting my toenails (keeping them covered by socks). Still not sure if it's TG or CD, but maybe the pysh will help with that. Despite the fantasies about wearing women's clothes, having a woman's body, I still tell myself they're not "real". Especially the body part.

So my world is different now. Still terrifying, but it’s at least a teeny, tiny bit better.

[Guest angels wings]

Hi Kendra

That's great that u told ur wife and I'm glad she has taken the news well. My partner told me 7 months ago . After many years of marriage she finally told me what has been destroying her inside . She saw a GT which I attended also. It helped her relize what she needs to do and it helped me understand more . It would be great also to encourage ur wife to join Laura's so she can learn more and also get support .

Take care

Angel

[Guest Maria_B]

Angel is right, your wife needs support now, and we can offer that, like we offer support for you. Be sure to ask her if she wants to do any couple sessions with you, you need each other.

[Charlize]

I'm so glad for you and your wife. Its the hardest person to be honest with as you have so much riding on the reaction. Sounds like you are getting some support from a loving wife. Hugs and best wishes. Honesty brings a lot of growth.

Hugs, Charlie

[Guest spunky monkey]

hi,

congratulations on being brave and taking a massive chance on your wife understanding, i wish you many days of happiness too come.

love rachelle

[Cyndee]

Kendra what a relief this must be, to finally be open about some of these issues with the one you love, I really am happy for ya, especially given your recent posts here. Now for a good night's sleep, eh ?

May understanding continue to flourish in your relationship is my hope.

Wishing you both the best in the coming months and years.

Cindy -

[Guest ~DeeDee~]

Well, you still living in the house, and there is no divorce petition, then things are ok. What you described are a lot of the same things my wife said when I came out to her. Just take it slow, and communicate with her, about everything, not just these issues.

Best wishes,

Dee

[Guest Kendra K]

Thanks all. Still not sure what I am, if it's just a clothes/shaving thing, but whatever it is, is really affecting me emotionally so it's good to get it out. Since she said she's not a lesbian, I'm sure she's terrified it's something more, which I myself am terrified of that as well for many reasons.

Well, you still living in the house, and there is no divorce petition, then things are ok. What you described are a lot of the same things my wife said when I came out to her. Just take it slow, and communicate with her, about everything, not just these issues.

For sure Dee. I'm happy there's no immediate "get out of this house" from her; that was a huge worry on my part about telling her. Taking it slow is certainly what I have in mind.

Kendra what a relief this must be, to finally be open about some of these issues with the one you love, I really am happy for ya, especially given your recent posts here. Now for a good night's sleep, eh ?

May understanding continue to flourish in your relationship is my hope.

Wishing you both the best in the coming months and years.

Cindy -

Thanks Cindy for all the good words. Yes, maybe I won't be up so late now thinking about things. Maybe it will be worse. Still, nice to tell my wife.

[Guest Jade T]

Congratulations Kendra,

That must have you feeling so much better to no longer have to hide that secret from her . I hope for the best as you progress and explore your gender identity with your wife in the future

Hugs,

Jade

[Guest Kendra K]

How's this for crazy timing.

Just found out we will be having kid #2. I'm sure this has been overwheliming for my wife. We've been trying for probably 2 years and now, were starting to think about adoption- since the usual way wasn't working. Yet, just 2 days after me telling her, she finds out she's pregnant. Really, you'd think Hollywood would have written that.

Not sure what this means to my getting therapy, if anything.

Still, I'm pretty happy about the news. It's good our daughter will have a sibling.

[Carolyn Marie]

Congratulations, Kendra, about both the baby and about coming out. I know very well how painful and frightening it is to come out to your spouse. You did great, and I'm glad your wife is willing to listen to you and keep an open mind.

Only the two of you will know how this new baby will effect your futures. I know someone who had a baby after coming out, and it didn't stop her transition, but everyone is different.

I do think you should pursue seeing a gender therapist, hon. The fact that you are having a new baby will not keep you from feeling how you feel, and you'll need help dealing with those feelings, and dealing with your family situation. I wish you all the luck in the world.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Cyndee]

Congrats on the pending addition to your family ! That's really good news Kendra, I am very happy for you and your family.

Your wife no doubt has a lot on her mind. If ever there was a time to be there for her, this is it. Certainly not overwhelming her now with gender identity issues makes sense. Let her come to you with any concerns or questions. Save most of your concerns for a therapist, that's why they are there....

Best wishes

Cindy -

[KathrynJulia]

This is a very emotional time for her with the fluctuating hormone levels and the fear she is feeling. Acknowledge her fear and try to convince her that she is what is special in your life. Let her know that you are so happy that you are sharing in the birth of this child. Make her understand that you are afraid to. Speak often to comitting your life to this child. Let her understand that you want to be involved with caring for this child.

If you aren't already skilled in housework and cooking, now is the time to start learning. The more you show her that you are her partner in everything, the more she will let your gender transition fly by and accept. If you show her that you are wanting to be a parent and a good one, it will reduce her anxiety. As a transitioning woman, show her that there are many advantages to having a spouse who is both a husband and another woman friend who is emotionally invested into the new family. Congratulations Kendra to you and your wife for this gift of precious life. Kathryn

[Guest Kendra K]

Your wife no doubt has a lot on her mind. If ever there was a time to be there for her, this is it. Certainly not overwhelming her now with gender identity issues makes sense. Let her come to you with any concerns or questions. Save most of your concerns for a therapist, that's why they are there...

Yep! I've told her that I want to go at her pace.

I do think you should pursue seeing a gender therapist, hon. The fact that you are having a new baby will not keep you from feeling how you feel, and you'll need help dealing with those feelings, and dealing with your family situation. I wish you all the luck in the world.

I most likely will, but we'll see. Having a second changes things a lot in terms of time, money, and other things. We're comfortable financially right now, but far from rolling in it.

If you aren't already skilled in housework and cooking, now is the time to start learning. The more you show her that you are her partner in everything, the more she will let your gender transition fly by and accept. If you show her that you are wanting to be a parent and a good one, it will reduce her anxiety. As a transitioning woman, show her that there are many advantages to having a spouse who is both a husband and another woman friend who is emotionally invested into the new family. Congratulations Kendra to you and your wife for this gift of precious life. Kathryn

Yep, I already do things around the house. I try to help where I can.

[KathrynJulia]

Outstanding Kendra: I predict a successful outcome for you and your wife and your new baby. Congratulations. Kathryn

[JJ]

Kendra the road to realizing who we really are and what we really want is a long and sometimes confusing one, Seeing a gender therapist can save you months and often many years of pain and confusion and angst, Worth the investment in the long run, people often talk about not transitioning and as someone with a lifetime of experiemce working with children and an early childhood degree as well as a social sciences degree I can tell you for certain that most of the time children are a reason to transition and not a reason not to do so -if that ends up being what you want and need. But you cannot give your best as a parent or a partner conflicted -so please try to go ahead and see that therapist if at all possible.

And congratulations on the new baby as well as the wife's acceptance and understanding, Her saying she is not a lesbian realy doesn't mean the relationship is doomed if you do need to go further with this, I think every partner says it at some point yet statistically we do not divorce at a significantly higher rate than the rest of the population, We just tend to notice and perhaps hear more about those who don't make it.

The process is very long and slow when done right and everyone will evolve through it, Many times people are amazed at where their relationships end up. Sometimes better than ever, But it can be a bumpy road getting there.

Hugs

Johnny

[Guest LizMarie]

One thing you may encounter is that letting your wife "set the pace" can allow her to engage in a form of denial. I'm gently working my own spouse through this now. I don't know how it will turn out but I keep emphasizing to her that my first preference is to stay together. She, on the other hand, has not been terribly open to me doing anything other than facial electrolysis and growing my hair out. More than that bothers her immensely even though she insists she's taking it one day at a time.

I am slowly moving forward but while it is slow, I am ensuring that it's still moving. I could have started HRT a few months ago but won't do that til later this fall. I could probably go fulltime in a year or less but won't do that for almost 18 months after I start HRT. I've agreed to these slower speeds to try to work through this with my spouse, yet if asked, she wants me to go even slower.

So you need to make some decisions yourself. But first, absolutely first, see a GT. Figure out just who you are and what your needs are. Maybe just cross dressing would be enough for you. But if not, don't allow your transition to be subtly derailed. Be gentle, but positive and persistent.

[Guest Robin Winter]

Hey hun, glad to hear you got that huge weight off your chest.

Let me tell you something...my wife said the same thing to me "I'm not a lesbian", and she was FAR from calm and understanding at the time. My coming out was tumultuous, at best. She's still not a lesbian, but right now it is her intention to stay with me all the way, just like we always planned. We both understand that she may not feel able to continue later as there are more physical changes, but so far we're only getting closer.

Keep positive, time has a funny way of seeing things along the proper path. In the meantime, you've allowed yourself a small piece of freedom, so enjoy it and make the best of it

Oh, and don't be afraid of counselling, if you get the right therapist it will be the best thing for you right now, and if you don't, get a new one.

*hugs*

[Guest Kendra K]

I thought I'd give an update. I'm generally okay; sadly I don't have time at work to post anymore, which was my top place to post.

Not a whole lot has changed. I haven't done anything about finding a therapist. My wife and I haven't talked much about my TG feelings since I told her, but between the baby on the way, dealing with a toddler,.and other stuff our life is busy.

I'm sleeping better. Still I'm feeling bad day-to-day, which may be mostly my boss who makes me feel like I can do nothing right, despite having 15 years in the industry.

Hope everyone is doing fine here.

[Guest LizMarie]

Here's a hint, Kendra - it's not going to just go away. Mine never did. Most of us here can say the same thing. You need to be seeing a GT. Even if you are not trans and are just into cross dressing, you need to figure yourself out so you can be a better parent, not one who is moody, depressed, and potentially lashing out at your spouse and children because of internal issues. If you let this build, it will eat away at you.

[Guest Ms. Phoria]

Hi Kendra,

I totally sympathize- I'm also in that "I'm out...now what" period. My spouse is supportive, and I've got a GT (which I highly, highly recommend), but there's a lot of negotiation involved when you're trying to start transitioning and still remain a committed partner. It's hard to reach a reaching a consensus on everything from gradually presenting as female to telling friends and families, &c. Not surprisingly, my desired timetable is a lot faster than my spouse's, and there are times I'd rather not compromise. We're not expecting kids, which I imagine makes her health a priority. It may make her a bit more on edge than normal too, which makes it hard to find time to talk about gender issues.

If you can't find a GT in the short term, you could ask her if she'd be willing to read something on the subject of gender identity. That could help her wrap her head around what you've been going through and give her a better understanding of the importance of transition. My GT recommended that I give my spouse True Selves by Mildred Brown- there are copies for under $4 on Amazon. I'm sure if you look around the forums here you'll find suggestions for plenty free resources and other books. Hope that helps, hang in there girl!

xo,

Ms. P

[Guest Kendra K]

Hi Kendra,

I totally sympathize- I'm also in that "I'm out...now what" period. My spouse is supportive, and I've got a GT (which I highly, highly recommend), but there's a lot of negotiation involved when you're trying to start transitioning and still remain a committed partner. It's hard to reach a reaching a consensus on everything from gradually presenting as female to telling friends and families, &c. Not surprisingly, my desired timetable is a lot faster than my spouse's, and there are times I'd rather not compromise. We're not expecting kids, which I imagine makes her health a priority. It may make her a bit more on edge than normal too, which makes it hard to find time to talk about gender issues.

If you can't find a GT in the short term, you could ask her if she'd be willing to read something on the subject of gender identity. That could help her wrap her head around what you've been going through and give her a better understanding of the importance of transition. My GT recommended that I give my spouse True Selves by Mildred Brown- there are copies for under $4 on Amazon. I'm sure if you look around the forums here you'll find suggestions for plenty free resources and other books. Hope that helps, hang in there girl!

xo,

Ms. P

Thank you for the nice post. At this point with her being pregnant I'm not bringing up the subject, because her being stressed while pregnant isn't good.

We'll see. I think I should see a GT, but we'll see when that is. Around March is when the baby is due and that seems like a really long time from now, but I guess I'll do it.

This.... well really completely stinks. She said before it would have to be me leaving her. I don't want to leave her and lose her, I don't want to put our children through it and potentially warp them for their lives, but I don't want to be miserable all the time. At least right now I can't say I'm miserable, but could be my nightly glass of wine may help mask it.

I still question whether my thoughts are "real", which I know a GT would help with.

[Guest Kendra K]

How's this for crazy timing.

Just found out we will be having kid #2. I'm sure this has been overwheliming for my wife. We've been trying for probably 2 years and now, were starting to think about adoption- since the usual way wasn't working. Yet, just 2 days after me telling her, she finds out she's pregnant. Really, you'd think Hollywood would have written that.

Not sure what this means to my getting therapy, if anything.

Still, I'm pretty happy about the news. It's good our daughter will have a sibling.

So the rough year for me takes a worse turn.

As-of a week and a half ago our baby died. It was completely unexpected. A routine checkup turned bad, they weren't able to find a heartbeat and a ultrasound confirmed the bad news.

So getting the bad news, my wife still had to deliver.

We're getting better, me better than my wife since she had to go through all the body changes leading up to it, feeling the baby, and still had to deliver. One thing that is helping a lot is that we have one wonderful daughter, who I a joy in our life, if we didn't have her and had to go through all of this and came home with no child it would have been a lot worse. I myself in death situations try and think that the person dying may have ended suffering and it may have stopped them from suffering even more than they were.

Baby was pretty tiny, it was prior to the 3rd trimester. A company came the night of delivery and did photos and other momentos.

[Guest Robin Winter]

Oh honey, I am so sorry I really don't know what to say. Hug your wife extra tight, you both need it.

[Guest angels wings]

Kendra (((((((hugs)))))) my heart breaks for you and your wife .im sorry lovey . ((((((Hugs)))))) filled with comfort and warmth for you and your wife . Thinking of you both

Angel