I told my wife

[MaryEllen]

I'm so sorry to hear this, Kendra. My thoughts and prayers are with you and yours in this hour of sorrow.

Hugs,

MaryEllen

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Dear Kendra.

(((Hug))) for you and your wife.

Love to both of you.

Love.

Brenda

[Guest Mia J]

I am so sorry for you and your wife Kendra. I had that happen earlier in life and it it not something that you would ever expect. I wish the best to your and your mate.

Mia

[JenniferB]

That is awful Kendra. Sometimes life throws us some nasty curve testicles we do not expect. I hope the grieving is short and that you can move on. Maybe the silver lining is that you can never take anything for granted, so live life to its fullest, because you never know.

{{{Hugs}}}

Jenny

[Charlize]

Dear Kendra, i'm so sorry for your loss. I actually know the way you feel at loosing a child. We lost one too. Time is the only thing that really helps but for now helping your wife and thinking of her will take your mind off of your own pain. Our other son is our joy as well and the two beautiful grandchildren he has given us. You have so much ahead of you please do not despair. It was hard for us to understand why but life does go on and healing comes.

Hugs and a shoulder,

Charlie

[Guest Megan_Lynn]

I do not know what to say that could possibly help you after something like this. I have three children of my own and while I do not always like them I still love them with all my heart. I can no way even imagine the pain this has caused you. I am so so sorry for your loss. It breaks my heart even reading about it. I just hope that God gives you every blessing and amount of strength so you may be able to be at peace with yourself and life in general after such an unnecessary tragedy as this is.

[Carolyn Marie]

(((((((HUGS)))))))))

Sometimes words fail me. I am so very sorry. My heart goes out to the both of you.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest (Lightsider)]

Hi Kendra, I am sorry for your loss. I wish I had better words but I don't. Hugs.

[Guest Kendra K]

Thanks all for the comforting words.

So of course my TG emotions are up right now, which they seem to be more intense when I'm dealing with other stuff. I'm pretty frustrated. A trip to a department store got me very frustrated that I couldn't try on and buy what I wanted. Well, I mean in general. Since I was freaking out I ended up painting my toenails, which are covered with socks, to try and help.

I get these body aches from time to time and now I'm starting to wonder if they're tied to my TG emotions. Is that common?

I know I should get into therapy, but I was trying to not stress my wife out during her pregnancy and now doesn't seem right since she's having to deal with the loss of John. Still seems like lose-lose to me. Either I go farther down the TG road and possibly end up losing her or I don't go further down the TG road and possibly end up frustrated lots.

[Guest LizMarie]

I'm so sorry, Kendra. Such losses are difficult burdens.

[Guest Kendra K]

It seems I'm more upset, more often. I've been to the point of tears here and there. I've gotten angry at our daughter a few times, but I've thought that was her being a 4 year old and getting independent (she was a good listener up until recently) - not wanting to go to bed, or me changing jobs.

I've wanted for decades to wear women's clothes/jewelry/etc and have sexual fantasies for wearing them. In the last year or so I've gotten sad that I can't. Thinking about how I can't be myself around anyone is saddening.

In the last decade it was only about clothes, jewelry, etc, but in the last month of so the body dysphoria has been creeping in, I get pictures of myself having boobs/female genitals for a couple seconds or so.

I want to interact with the women and zero interest in interacting with men. I want to have girl friends who will call me and we can have get togethers. I spend lots of time per day looking on Pinterest looking at dresses, skirts, lingerie, jewelry, hair styles.

Sometimes I need up to 3 glasses of wine per night so I can have my mind enough at ease to sleep. I had a good amount to drink at a wedding because I wanted to be wearing dresses like the females were who were attending (very thankfully I didn't have to wear a suit/tux).

Despite all this I'm still telling myself that I'm not trans and not "really thinking that", that I'm just being sympathetic to TG people, that it's just a sexual thing, or something like that.

I still tell myself I can't be trans since in my dreams I'm not female or even CDing. I'm saying that the few second pictures of me having breasts and female genitals wasn't really what I was thinking, that it was only for sex fantasy.

I tell myself my being sad isn't having to do with being transgender, it's other things.

So I'm coming to grips that it's time to see a therapist. How do I being to decide? Do I start with my general doctor; my general doctor is a male and I'm feeling like I would feel more comfortable with a female. I'd immagine I need to see about a "in network" gender therapist, so the costs aren't so bad?

To say it's complicated is an understatement. In this thread I mentioned about how we lost a baby last fall. I didin't want to bring it up to my wife because she was dealing with her depression.

Well then we were trying to give our daughter a sibling. My wife was pregnant and guess what? We lost another one just around a month ago. So my wife has really bad depression, she said that our daughter and me are what's holding her on.

So it seems cruel to tell her I'm going to see about therapy, especially if it gets her thinking I'm leaving her.

[Ravin]

BOTH OF YOU need to see therapists, for grief counseling, in addition to you needing to see a gender therapist. Letting things languish is not helping improve your situation. Drinking to self-medicate your depression isn't healthy. Please go get help.

Check on Laura's or with your local GLBT orgs for a list of suitable counselors for the GT (and for you as a couple, a couples/grief counselor who is GLBT friendly would be helpful).

My advice is to get help and encourage your wife to get help, too. It'll be good for both of you and for your family as a unit.

[Guest rowyn]

I totally agree with Ravin. Drinking to ease the pain is not healthy at all, and it'll just get worse the longer you don't do anything about it. As far as seeing a GT, look on the back of your health insurance card. It should have a website that lists all therapists in the network. If you find one that specializes in gender issues, just make an appointment. If you can't find any, you'll need an out-of-network referral from your primary care physician (which you can switch to anyone you are comfortable with). Once you have the referral, you can make an appointment with the GT and pay the same as you would for someone in the network. Best wishes.

[Guest Kendra K]

I ended up telling her last night when she asked if something is bothering me. Maybe if it's because I was talking about it here, that I had the nerve to tell her. We talked some after that and we've emailed this morning. She's justifiably worried about me transitioning and leaving her. She mentioned about how I should think about the positive things in my life, which I certainly try to do but that kind of makes me feel worse (losing all that if I transitioned).

She mentioned about she's okay with me crossdressing at home and my needing to be open. Kind of terrified about both of those; having to deal with my Christian conservative family if it got back to them, having to deal with things such as the bathrooms problem, actually dressing in front of her, and other such things as they come about.

I'm thankful for a couple of things. She works in a very liberal education setting; she's asking the a person who works with LGBT people discretely about therapists. Since it's such a liberal place that gives me some confidence about being out, but again I'm still terrified. The company I work for has LGBT covered under their anti-discrimination polities. That gives me confidence, but not sure if that's only for transitioning people and again I'm terrified about being out and not transitioning.

We'll see where it goes from here.

[VickySGV]

Both of you are in for an adventure, and we keep hearing success stories of partners who have found that childhood dreams of relationnships are nowhere near as good the real adult stuff.

[Guest Guest_]

Good Luck and God Bless. Amber L.

[Guest sophia.gentry58]

Hi Kendra,

Throughout your threads there has been a definitive sense of having an incessant angst about your potential TG/CD issue. It is comforting to know that you and your wife are actively looking toward obtaining a GT. Know that until you have a professional to help you sort things out, there will probably be no abatement of the anst you've been feeling all this time. This is why so many on this one particular post have posted a plethora of threads emphasizing the paramount importance of seeking a GT. You may find that by going to a GT that you are a CD and the fact that your wife has endorse you cross-dressing already may go a long way in easing your anxiety.

I commend your wife for finding a way to support you in an effort to maintain your marriage, so you should meet her with like-kind effort. Don't wait around and let her do all the work, lest she begin to resent it; you've been provided with a link to GTs and all you need do is pull them up on a computer and begin to do your interviews of these prospective therapists, choose one and get started - today - tomorrow isn't promised to you!

Sophia

[Guest Kendra K]

Hi Kendra,

Throughout your threads there has been a definitive sense of having an incessant angst about your potential TG/CD issue. It is comforting to know that you and your wife are actively looking toward obtaining a GT. Know that until you have a professional to help you sort things out, there will probably be no abatement of the anst you've been feeling all this time. This is why so many on this one particular post have posted a plethora of threads emphasizing the paramount importance of seeking a GT. You may find that by going to a GT that you are a CD and the fact that your wife has endorse you cross-dressing already may go a long way in easing your anxiety.

I commend your wife for finding a way to support you in an effort to maintain your marriage, so you should meet her with like-kind effort. Don't wait around and let her do all the work, lest she begin to resent it; you've been provided with a link to GTs and all you need do is pull them up on a computer and begin to do your interviews of these prospective therapists, choose one and get started - today - tomorrow isn't promised to you!

Sophia

You and the others here are right, of course. I do have incessant angst. I really should have gotten into therapy a year ago, but hadn't because of the babies issues and not wanting to pile more stress upon her when she was already very depressed.

My first thing I to get anti-depressents from a general doctor, switching from a male to a female, then look for a gender therapist.