The Wonder Of Transition

[pennyjane]

ok, i'd like to get this forum off. transition for me is the most wonderful thing i have ever done, or am doing. it began for me on 18 mar 2004. on 17 mar i presented male everywhere all the time. on 18 mar i put on a dress, disposed of all drab and have presented only enfemme since. it was reactionary. i had reached a point of such disgust with myself that continuing to be a living lie left me no longer a viable human being of any gender. i had no idea of what transition might bring. it wasn't a plan, wasn't even thought out the day before, it just happened out of sheer desperation.

i, at the advent of the computer age in my house about a year earlier, had met a fellow gender transgressor on line. she is a most wonderful woman living in northwest pennsylvania. she is now my best friend by the way. she and i spoke often, sharing our feelings, mostly of despair on my part, but full of hope and optismism on hers. at some point we exchanged phone numbers, a serious expression of trust. we talked on the phone then, as well as on the 'puter. we kept getting to know one another better. she led a double life. a very respected professional "man" who had a whole 'nuther female persona she played out down in the big city of pittsburgh. she was accomplished at presenting female, went out to the bars enfemme with some frequency. but her life was compartmentalized. it was very hard on her, living like that, and extracted no small price. i never dressed up and went out. i had one dress at home, i called "happydress". i occassionally wore her around the house, but she'd become passe, i didn't get excited over it, i just felt comfortable in her. but i admired my friend for her audacity, her courage to at least take some time to be herself, to let all that stress go. inevitably we decided to meet in person. it happened in january of 2004. annie and i drove out to meet her in pittsburgh. she was everything i expected and more. a smile that would light up the night, and a personality no one could not fall in love with from first notice. she was the same girl i'd gotten to know so well on line. she was real.

she took us out that first day, showing off her pittsburgh to us. she's very proud of that place. took us out to dinner and showed us all the sights. that evening, as planned, we dressed ourselves up enfemme and went out to a favorite haunt of hers. well, i'd bought a skirt, a t-shirt top and a pair of sandal heels for this occasion. i borrowed a wig from stacey, she put makeup on me, i had no clue of how to do that. i must have looked silly. <giggle> that skirt aged out at about 20, maybe six inches above my knee. i think i was wearing black pantyhose to hide my hairy legs, no accessories....but i felt like a million dollars. i could not believe how i felt. it was amazing. i did not feel like a man in a dress, i felt like a woman. i was thrilled, exhillerated.....high as a kite! we sat at the bar all night and talked, stacey, annie and me. it was life changing, i have never been the same since.

in the middle of march stacey, who lives with her mother up on a big farm, invited me and another friend up for the weekend. her mother was going to be off visiting family, so she was to have the whole thing to herself. i drove out on friday with my skirt and t in my bag. we were going to go down to pgh fri night and do that wonderful dress up thing again. then go back up to stacey's and just commiserate sat and sun and all go home. we did. i dressed on fri and was still enfemme sat night. stacey even loaned me a nighty to sleep in......and....painted my nails.

i woke up early sunday morning. i was crying. i had no idea of why, but i was...and i couldn't stop. i don't mean i was tearing up, i mean i was sobbing uncontrollably. and i couldn't stop. i was embarrassed and i was completely confused. i was afraid. i had no idea of what was happening to me. i worried that stacey would wake up and find me that way and worry, or worse, think she had done something to bring on this despair. when i couldn't quit, i quietly packed up and left. i just snuck out.

i started driving towards home, still sobbing, my eyes were red and swollen and the tears didn't dry up, they just kept streaming. just before i got to akron on that sunday morning, the rain started to fall, and fall hard. between the rain and my raging tear storm i has functioning in near zero visability, on an interstate in a metropolitan area i was unfamilar with, so...of course i hit the gas....and then i hit it harder....then i just floored it and let the chips fall. sobbing, wretching, let go, let it all go...it's yours God, i don't care what happens now. and then, somehow, i came out the other side of that huge metropolitan area. how had this happened? God didn't even want me? i pulled into a rest stop and let the despair just consume me. but it wouldn't end. the crying wouldn't stop long enough for me to think, to make some kind of decision...i was at that point a completely lost soul, not even up to death. i drove off and somehow just kept it on the road until i got home that evening. the house was empty, my wife had gone over to her sister's. i went in and just sat in the dark house. sat there and cried, and cried...until i cried myself to sleep, there on the couch.

when i woke the next morning i wasn't crying. that by now was an odd feeling in itself. annie had come home and slipped quietly off to bed leaving me there on the couch. i got up and went to my desk. i had to be a work at nine and it was six thirty, time to start trying to get myself together for that. i got me a coke and lit a cigarette. that's when i noticed it. my nails were still painted. now, annie nor i ever wore nail polish so there was no remover in our house. so i started thinking about how i was going to get it off before i went to work. and then it occurred to me how unfair that was, that i had to find a way to get the nail polish off or everyone would think i was nuts. was i? what did it really say about me that i felt i had to take that nail polish off in order to survive the day? i started to get angry with myself. just what was i trying to prove? and to whom?

annie woke up and came out into the front room. she sensed immediately that something was very wrong. i knew it too, but i didn't know what it was. annie got frightened. she'd never seen me like that. i'd never seen me like that either, i was confused and only getting more so trying to think of some way to ease annie's concern. i fumbled around...."i don't think i can take this nail polish off," i said. she was comforted. she volunteered to go down to the store and get some remover. "no," i said, "i mean, i don't think i can take this nail polish off, i think it has to stay or i will die." bye bye comfort, now she was really shook up, and so was i. i don't think i knew any more about what i was talking about then she did.

my annie. my little dependent annie. the one who counted on me for nearly everything. she played the doting wife and i played the strong husband. my sweet vulnerable little annie. "get dressed," she said, "i'm taking you to the hospital." whoaaaaaaa....a little sense back in there somewhere said this is not good. we began to negotiate. i'm not going to let myself be put in a nuthouse, though, clearly that's where i belonged, so we settled on finding a therapist who might see me on an emergency basis. my annie got on the phone, in five minutes she had convinced someone that i should be seen and i should be seen now. i got dressed alright. i put on my little skirt and t, felt better already. away we went to see some strange therapist.

along the way things were clearing up. crazy as it sounded, i was a girl and that was all there was to it. what had me so messed up was knowing that inside and yet not recongnizing it on the outside. when i accepted it, it started making perfect sense. i got it! all i had to do was quit faking and the truth would come out. got to this strange, off the wall therapist that annie had found quickly in the yellow pages, she was so nutty she agreed with me. you're not crazy she told me, you just need to stop faking it. and as if that wasn't enough, two identically crazy people in one room, annie piped in her agreement. three of us....what are the odds?

so, i called in to work, sick, you know. told them it would probably be awhile before i was well enough to come back. and we went shopping. me in that silly little skirt. yes, people laughed. i laughed with them, more then them...i got it! that was 18 mar 2004. i have never looked back. granted, that outrageous act of spontanaiety has not been repeated, but i am free. i made a plan, with the help of that nutty therapist, carried it through, and on 18 mar 2007 i had my grs. transition has been, and is, the most wonderful experience of my life, may it last forever. lotsa love and hope, pj

[MaryEllen]

Wow!, PennyJane. What a totally awesome story. Thank you so much for sharing it with us.

Hugs,

MaryEllen

[Guest matthew41]

PJ,

I agree, wow. Very well written, I could feel your journey.

Matt

[Guest shannon]

PJ- I loved your story :-) It almost made me cry tears of happiness. I'd love to hear more of Annie's side of this story as well. I've loved talking with you these past couple of days, you give me alot of hope. Thanks for sharing this story.

-Shannon

[Guest karen_h]

ok, i'd like to get this forum off. transition for me is the most wonderful thing i have ever done, or am doing. it began for me on 18 mar 2004. on 17 mar i presented male everywhere all the time. on 18 mar i put on a dress, disposed of all drab and have presented only enfemme since. it was reactionary. i had reached a point of such disgust with myself that continuing to be a living lie left me no longer a viable human being of any gender. i had no idea of what transition might bring. it wasn't a plan, wasn't even thought out the day before, it just happened out of sheer desperation.

i, at the advent of the computer age in my house about a year earlier, had met a fellow gender transgressor on line. she is a most wonderful woman living in northwest pennsylvania. she is now my best friend by the way. she and i spoke often, sharing our feelings, mostly of despair on my part, but full of hope and optismism on hers. at some point we exchanged phone numbers, a serious expression of trust. we talked on the phone then, as well as on the 'puter. we kept getting to know one another better. she led a double life. a very respected professional "man" who had a whole 'nuther female persona she played out down in the big city of pittsburgh. she was accomplished at presenting female, went out to the bars enfemme with some frequency. but her life was compartmentalized. it was very hard on her, living like that, and extracted no small price. i never dressed up and went out. i had one dress at home, i called "happydress". i occassionally wore her around the house, but she'd become passe, i didn't get excited over it, i just felt comfortable in her. but i admired my friend for her audacity, her courage to at least take some time to be herself, to let all that stress go. inevitably we decided to meet in person. it happened in january of 2004. annie and i drove out to meet her in pittsburgh. she was everything i expected and more. a smile that would light up the night, and a personality no one could not fall in love with from first notice. she was the same girl i'd gotten to know so well on line. she was real.

she took us out that first day, showing off her pittsburgh to us. she's very proud of that place. took us out to dinner and showed us all the sights. that evening, as planned, we dressed ourselves up enfemme and went out to a favorite haunt of hers. well, i'd bought a skirt, a t-shirt top and a pair of sandal heels for this occasion. i borrowed a wig from stacey, she put makeup on me, i had no clue of how to do that. i must have looked silly. <giggle> that skirt aged out at about 20, maybe six inches above my knee. i think i was wearing black pantyhose to hide my hairy legs, no accessories....but i felt like a million dollars. i could not believe how i felt. it was amazing. i did not feel like a man in a dress, i felt like a woman. i was thrilled, exhillerated.....high as a kite! we sat at the bar all night and talked, stacey, annie and me. it was life changing, i have never been the same since.

in the middle of march stacey, who lives with her mother up on a big farm, invited me and another friend up for the weekend. her mother was going to be off visiting family, so she was to have the whole thing to herself. i drove out on friday with my skirt and t in my bag. we were going to go down to pgh fri night and do that wonderful dress up thing again. then go back up to stacey's and just commiserate sat and sun and all go home. we did. i dressed on fri and was still enfemme sat night. stacey even loaned me a nighty to sleep in......and....painted my nails.

i woke up early sunday morning. i was crying. i had no idea of why, but i was...and i couldn't stop. i don't mean i was tearing up, i mean i was sobbing uncontrollably. and i couldn't stop. i was embarrassed and i was completely confused. i was afraid. i had no idea of what was happening to me. i worried that stacey would wake up and find me that way and worry, or worse, think she had done something to bring on this despair. when i couldn't quit, i quietly packed up and left. i just snuck out.

i started driving towards home, still sobbing, my eyes were red and swollen and the tears didn't dry up, they just kept streaming. just before i got to akron on that sunday morning, the rain started to fall, and fall hard. between the rain and my raging tear storm i has functioning in near zero visability, on an interstate in a metropolitan area i was unfamilar with, so...of course i hit the gas....and then i hit it harder....then i just floored it and let the chips fall. sobbing, wretching, let go, let it all go...it's yours God, i don't care what happens now. and then, somehow, i came out the other side of that huge metropolitan area. how had this happened? God didn't even want me? i pulled into a rest stop and let the despair just consume me. but it wouldn't end. the crying wouldn't stop long enough for me to think, to make some kind of decision...i was at that point a completely lost soul, not even up to death. i drove off and somehow just kept it on the road until i got home that evening. the house was empty, my wife had gone over to her sister's. i went in and just sat in the dark house. sat there and cried, and cried...until i cried myself to sleep, there on the couch.

when i woke the next morning i wasn't crying. that by now was an odd feeling in itself. annie had come home and slipped quietly off to bed leaving me there on the couch. i got up and went to my desk. i had to be a work at nine and it was six thirty, time to start trying to get myself together for that. i got me a coke and lit a cigarette. that's when i noticed it. my nails were still painted. now, annie nor i ever wore nail polish so there was no remover in our house. so i started thinking about how i was going to get it off before i went to work. and then it occurred to me how unfair that was, that i had to find a way to get the nail polish off or everyone would think i was nuts. was i? what did it really say about me that i felt i had to take that nail polish off in order to survive the day? i started to get angry with myself. just what was i trying to prove? and to whom?

annie woke up and came out into the front room. she sensed immediately that something was very wrong. i knew it too, but i didn't know what it was. annie got frightened. she'd never seen me like that. i'd never seen me like that either, i was confused and only getting more so trying to think of some way to ease annie's concern. i fumbled around...."i don't think i can take this nail polish off," i said. she was comforted. she volunteered to go down to the store and get some remover. "no," i said, "i mean, i don't think i can take this nail polish off, i think it has to stay or i will die." bye bye comfort, now she was really shook up, and so was i. i don't think i knew any more about what i was talking about then she did.

my annie. my little dependent annie. the one who counted on me for nearly everything. she played the doting wife and i played the strong husband. my sweet vulnerable little annie. "get dressed," she said, "i'm taking you to the hospital." whoaaaaaaa....a little sense back in there somewhere said this is not good. we began to negotiate. i'm not going to let myself be put in a nuthouse, though, clearly that's where i belonged, so we settled on finding a therapist who might see me on an emergency basis. my annie got on the phone, in five minutes she had convinced someone that i should be seen and i should be seen now. i got dressed alright. i put on my little skirt and t, felt better already. away we went to see some strange therapist.

along the way things were clearing up. crazy as it sounded, i was a girl and that was all there was to it. what had me so messed up was knowing that inside and yet not recongnizing it on the outside. when i accepted it, it started making perfect sense. i got it! all i had to do was quit faking and the truth would come out. got to this strange, off the wall therapist that annie had found quickly in the yellow pages, she was so nutty she agreed with me. you're not crazy she told me, you just need to stop faking it. and as if that wasn't enough, two identically crazy people in one room, annie piped in her agreement. three of us....what are the odds?

so, i called in to work, sick, you know. told them it would probably be awhile before i was well enough to come back. and we went shopping. me in that silly little skirt. yes, people laughed. i laughed with them, more then them...i got it! that was 18 mar 2004. i have never looked back. granted, that outrageous act of spontanaiety has not been repeated, but i am free. i made a plan, with the help of that nutty therapist, carried it through, and on 18 mar 2007 i had my grs. transition has been, and is, the most wonderful experience of my life, may it last forever. lotsa love and hope, pj

[Guest karen_h]

apowerful story reminds me of my own start into transition

[Guest Robin/bobbi]

Thanks for sharing your story. WoW funny how you see things when your ready to learn.

Thanks again