How to help a friend of mine

[Guest Andrea_Heilotes]

I'm not totally sure that this is the place to be asking, but here goes anyway.

I talk quite a bit with a friend f mine from the UK over skype and she seems seriously depressed, largely because she's often out of work and spends considerable time drinking. She seems to be hit with a load of problems at once. She is unhappy because she's out of work, gender dysphoric, smokes too much and has problems with drugs, can't sleep at night,no friends, ect.

To me it looks like she's hopping from minor problem to minor problem in hopes of curing a larger problem without ever having to face up to it. I think, just listening to her, that the bigger problem is she's dependent on alcohol. She started with tackling with the gender dysphoria and started to self med hrt. But it doesn't look like it gave her the happiness she thought it would. And I understand gid is a serious problem, but I think she thought that hrt would just make all the problems go away. Then now the next minor problem is smoking. And again, I know smoking can be a major problem, but I think she's putting the smaller problems first so she doesn't have to deal with the big problem, alcohol.

She tells me that she stays up all night and never sleeps until the weekend when she sleeps for days on end.

I really wish I could help her, but because I'm not there it is a bit difficult to do anything outside of listen over skype. I try offering advice, like I think it might help her to find a support group and make some friends. But that is the best thing I can think of and it doesn't seem like its enough. So advice and ideas are appreciated. Thanks!

[VickySGV]

She is going to have to get the alcohol at least under control before anything else. The Brits have AA and Chemical Dependency Recovery Medicine available to them and SHE will have to take the steps to get to them. Have her Google Alcoholics Anonymous for places she can go, probably in her close neighborhood, or call NHS for the Chemical Dependency Recovery service.

Big issue, your limit on the help you can give her is going to be encouragement to get to the help, but nothing more. You see that the Alky is making her life unmanageable, but until she absolutely sees and acknowleges that, you can do nothing for her. Even if you were across "The Pond" there with her, you could offer cab fare or equivalent, but you could not force her to go get help. Don't give up on her, but remember that her life cannot be allowed to drag you down, especially since your own life is a bit iffy just now.

I am answering this as recovering Alcoholic myself, and I had to get my addiction under control before I could be considered for GD therapy and HRT. I drank to drown my troubles, but they learned to swim olympic style!!!

[Charlize]

Andrea,

Vicky is right. All you can do is suggest your friend reach out for help from those who are there for her. AA and detox programs are available there as here. You might want to consider going to Alanon. It will help you to understand your lack of control of her addictions

and allow you to accept your role in this. We always want to do more for others. We are lucky if we are able to get them to understand they have a problem and need help. Thats a lot in itself.

Hugs, Charlie

[Michelle 2010]

There is alot of high quality information in this very subforum you posted in. Any TG alcoholic who reads what is here can see what recovery has done for those who grabbed onto it. Further, the pain, confusion, and slow death of those that haven't yet grabbed it, or refuse to, is also quite evident. I suggest you refer her here to read what happens to alcoholics who achieve the grace of recovery, and those who remain lost in the wilderness... Its her decision to make. I spent many years thinking if you had my life, you'd drink too... That I was unique and people wouldn't understand. I could have died from that mindset.

For an alcoholic, when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change, we change... Further, I was told when I got sober, that if I stick around long enough, I'll get used to stepping over the bodies.... Alcoholism is a very slow , very painful way to die and it usually tortures the loved ones, if there are any still around to witness it.

Sincerely,

Michelle

[Guest Andrea_Heilotes]

Thank you all for your advice and comments. The big problem is floating the idea to her that she may be an alcoholic without putting her off or her shutting me out. I'm kind of scared to even suggest it to her because I don't think she'll take it well.