It hurts so bad...

[Guest Abiron]

I recovered 6-7 months ago completely (January) - from Anorexia Nervosa. Back then I started off at 138-140lbs at 5'5, then I got to 97-98 pounds at 5'5 1/2 6 months later. I might have weighed a bit much, but I wasn't fat, I had sort of big breasts, and a butt that added onto the weight. I was average - slightly slim body, and average legs and other parts. I also have a slightly large bone structure. At that time I was 14 years old, and it lasted from May to December of last year. At that time, I had no idea I was transgender, and I wanted to be skinny, but I also wanted to get rid of some feminine features. So once I got rid of them, I was happy...but my parents constantly nagged and slightly pressured me to recovery, leaving me into cutting for the first time and severe depression.

During recovery, when I had my first sweet in such a long time, that's when I started to over-eat to maybe 2000 calories a day or a tad bit more. (normally I'd have 600-1000 calories a day during anorexia.) and it stung me emotionally like hell, knowing that I was getting thicker, the weight going up 10 pounds in just a week, no idea if it was water weight because I didn't weigh myself anymore after gaining 10 pounds in a week. I couldn't stop eating though, because I missed sweets and other things I ate when I wasn't anorexic. Finally a month passed, I was fully recovered, just by looking at myself and others saying "Oh you look so much better! You look beautiful!" ...man did that hurt. And hearing some gossiping saying "She's getting her thighs back."

...When I was anorexic, I use to weigh myself literally 20 times a day every time I ate or drank something, even with those tiny portions I had. I eliminated foods and drinks slowly and slowly, then I started to eliminate water, because I knew if I drank water (like a liter) I wouldn't lose the water weight in a day by sleeping. I knew water didn't make me gain fat, though. I was just worried that if I constantly drank water everyday, I wouldn't lose it and go back to my real weight over time, and possibly continuously increase weight due to the water consumed. I also exercised excessively everyday for nearly 2 hours, while having these eating and drinking habits. My biggest regret? Not knowing I was transgender before recovery.

My point is that looking back and looking at where I stand at now, hurts a ton and makes me feel guilty. Today, I am still mentally ill from this disorder as well as other transgender issues. (semi-questioning, family, etc.) and I still plan on looking somewhat on how I did before, just 12 pounds more maybe...? Possibly 110 pounds? I'm probably 120-125 pounds right now at 5'6, but I still have tendencies to go back there, just for the sake of passing more as a boy. It's mainly the reason why I want to look thin again. But...all this depression is killing me. I'm trying to lose weight (mostly from my thighs) and I only see a bit of progress, and I've been doing this routine for 3 months already...It just gets me depressed that I'm not making too much weight-loss progress with all the effort I'm doing...And, I have no idea if I still have a negative body image that's affecting how I see myself.

And yes everyone, I am going to seek (hopefully) therapy for my GID, I already found a therapist I can go to...but she doesn't really work for eating disorders. Anyway...yeah. I probably have more to say that's stuck in my head, but I can't think of anything else.

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Wow Abiron,

That is quite a lot to take in. I do hope that you find and see a therapist. Based on what you described, don't limit your self to a gender therapist. In your case, I think that any therapist who specializes in depression, eating disorders, cutting, anorexia, bulimia, etc. are all able to help you. Indeed, your root cause of your behavior very well be due to gender dysphoria, but don't count out those therapists who have specialty in the symptoms that you have described.

Know this... you can and you will overcome all of these maladies that seem to have be fallen you.

All my Love,

Brenda

[Guest Emily Ray]

Abiron,

My heart aches at your story. I am now in the midst of my own eating disorder and I know the pain that it can evoke. You have made some positive steps to recover. Please be careful.

Huggs

Emily