Just Need Some Support...

[Guest Konnor]

Howdy all. I'm Konnor, and I've been around here for a few months, but I don't post too often. This is only like the second time I've posted my own thread, but I really need some support right now. I'm not trying to whine, so I'm sorry if it comes out sounding like that.

First off, a bit of background. I'm 18, freshman in college. My major right now is aerospace engineering. I'm out to my parents but due to the living situation (girls floor of dorm, have to be female for military reasons, etc.) I'm not out to very many others. I am active in a GLBT group on campus, but have to be quiet about it so no one finds out. I'm in Air Force ROTC, for now, but I'm about to get disqualified because I take anti-depressants.

Right. Now, this is all the stuff that's going wrong. First off, ROTC. Yeah I'm going to get DQ'd and there is no way around it. They won't give me a waiver for my medicine, I have tried. I always wanted to fly, and I had a pilot slot secured for after my sophomore year of college. This has been my life long dream since I was a kid, and now it's gone....

Second, school. Now, I'm not new to college. I have an associate's degree that I got my junior/senior years in high school. I am a fairly intelligent person and I know how college works. But this was my first time at a very big, public university. (Ohio State) and it's just not me. I don't have any friends at all and I'm doing horribly in my classes. I'm going to fail 2/5 of them. I thought this major was what I wanted to do, but it's not at all what I thought it would be. ROTC was basically the only thing I liked here.

Third, family. Yeah I came out to them before I left for school. They did not take it well at all...my dad said "If you change to a man, you better not come around here anymore. I will not pay for any hormones or therapy or anything." My mum appeared to take it well at first, but she still thinks it's just a phase. She just seems to be waiting it out until I decide to change back into a girl again. And having a boyfriend does not help...my boyfriend and I are very serious, and since we want to get married and have a family, my parents think everything is fixed. They just assume I'm going to stay a girl, marry him, and live as a straight couple. Andrew (my boyfriend) and I have talked about my trans status many times, and he is completely supportive of whatever I choose to do. I'm not worried at all about his reaction if I transition, I know he'll still be by my side no matter what.

Alright, sorry I wrote so much. I just don't know what to do at all...everything is so confusing and I'm so unhappy right now. I don't know what to do about school, because everything I wanted is gone and I don't have much left. I don't know what to say to my parents so they understand what's going on and I'm afraid they're going to reject me even more than they already are. I'm not trying to be a wuss, but I'm just so confused/worried/sad. What do you all think?? All help is appreciated, thanks everyone!!

--Konnor

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Konnor - great name by the way

Well - I can see you are in trouble here - a little bit anyway. I didn't see a lot of whining - actually none at all. I can't help much because (1) I am so much older (2) I am MTF (3) I haven't been in college for 35 years - yikes

But I was AF ROTC - and let me tell you, they woulda probably DQ'd you on something else, if it wasn't the medications. They DQ'd me after 4 years! They just didn't need the pilots anymore - so a lousey excuse was used - SOBs (Silly Old Biddies). So you MAY not have made it all the way - might have, could have, should have probably - but AF ROTC is not very dependable. And you can fly later - graduate, make plenty of $$$, and fly privately. Or if ya really wanna fly check out how you can go career.

Flunking out? I got super depressed my senior year and stopped going to classes - really I think I was depressed over my gender dysphoria - but I didn't know that then. What did I do? I was at a rather large university - but I talked my parents into letting me transfer to another large university, but one with a different attiude toward students - and no real ROTC. I shined while there, got a great degree and went back into the world feeling GOOOD again (except my gender dysphoria still hung around - sigh)

Family? Well - mine never knew about me - so can't help there. But you do understand you cannot help being who you are. If people have a problem with that, they need to go with you when you talk with a therapist. I hope you are talking with a therapist. I suggest a theapist who specializes in gender dysphoria - you will be wasting $$$ otherwise. And take your dad with you - if you can. Use the spin that "Dad., I wanta to go to a therapist to find myself - that 'll get him. And that way he can pay for it. He will think there is a magic pill you can take and get back to 'normal,' grin

There is no magic pill, you are already normal for you.

Good luck on your journey - I hope this helps

[Guest Donna Jean]

Hey, Konnor ...As is Liz I am MTF, also, but.............Some problems cross all gender lines.

Maybe someone here can give you difinitive answers, maybe not....Maybe someone here will say something that will make a light go on in your head, or not. But, rest assured that people here SUPPORT you and are willing to listen and in that, help you work through this...

Hey, dear..I was USAF..no ROTC, but flying crew on C-130's AND I'm an Ohio State fan! How cool is that? See my little flag over over there?(bottom left)

Sorry for you losing your flying slot..it was my dream, also....but, I did learn to fly after the Air Force on my own...May be an option for you....

Liz has some good advice on school, there...you might think about that....

And family...you can't live with them and you just can't shoot 'em..sigh....

Gee, your mom thinks its "Just a phase"...well, It really is, sorry to tell you. Heck I've been in this "Phase" for over 45 years.....I'll get over it any minute now

And, good 'ole dad..what can I say? Maybe after transition you can work out some and lift weights! Then you can kick his butt...that ought to take the edge off...

Konnor, just trying to lighten the mood a little...I know it's eating you pretty good right now. There are answers to everything..some better than others...We'll listen.......

Cheer up, sweetie....

XXOO

Donna Jean

[Guest My_Genesis]

I'm also a freshman, same age as you, although I go to a small private university and despite all the crap I'm going through, I'm relatively happy there (emphasis on relatively..)

i live in a co-ed dorm, guess i got lucky...although it bothers me sometimes when guys are walking to and from the shower topless

My parents don't really know about this...okay, I guess they "know", but they kinda don't pay attention to it. And I'd rather not initiate a convo about it so we never discuss it. I know parents suck sometimes...one of the main reasons i decided to go to college 2000 miles away from home..not regretting that decision. Good luck with all the college stuff though...I tended to shy away from large public universities because they just seemed to intimidate me, I was worried it wouldn't be the right social environment for me. In general, i guess i'm kinda hard to get to know and don't take a lot of initiative socially so I'm still working on having close friends rather than a bunch of acquaintances. And i think bringing this stuff up with people would help me open up more, but I still haven't told anyone in college yet except the people at the counseling center there

I'm also on anti-depressants but that's not really hindering me in any way...so don't really know what to say about that.

Sorry I wasn't much help...but good luck with everything.

[Guest Evan_J]

Its going to be alright Konnor. I went back to college LOADS of times and only made real progress when I was around 30 so I "got you" on the college thing. And I know you've been around here a few months too I don't always get to speak directly to everybody cuz theres so many of us, but I try to note peeps.

First, the anti-depressant thing. That sucks. Its cool (actually rather outstanding of you) that you tried to fight it. Military has it own hangups and it aint all sexual orientation or transitioning. I know how it hurts to lose a dream. Espcially a "growing up" dream. What you do is look for something to fill the crux of the thing. Its not the Air Force, but its flying. Think of means of becoming a private pilot maybe? Yes, I know flight school's expensive -I actually know someone who wanted to be a commercial pilot- but there are ways.

I also get you on the "overly big school" thing. When I first graduated highschool I went to school outta state. Not a school problem but culture differences drove me back to the home state. When I got here I enrolled in the "highly regarded" university. Terrible move for me. I had spent all my life in "private" or smaller educational environments and to be in an auditorium, completely anonymous, with 300 other peeps meant flunking out or dropping out. I took the later. But I can tell you that once you figure out what kind of environment works for you, what types of teaching styles, what types of classmates even you can get back on that horse somewhere else and do fine. By the time it was over I went from "drop out/flunk out" to a teachers aide and professionally tutoring two courses. You earned an associates as a senior, the talent is all there. Its just the place you are at.

The parents. Sometimes parents make threats that they think they mean. They even start out intending to stick to them. But once they lose the childs (and we stay children to our parents in a sense till we die lol) presence sometimes that starts to change. It may take a while, even years for some folks, but typically can change. Might your father be mad? Yes. Might he be really mad and blow up? Heck yes. But even he, over the course of time might cool out. Your mother sounds exactly like my mother. She said exactly the same thing. What it translates to is "I don't want you to do this and maybe if I refuse to help you I can stop it." Stopping it is the goal. There is a lot of fear there. But realize its hers, not yours. You have a fiance. And he sounds like a great guy. It is the business of all "children" to decide with whom, where, and how they will live as adults. Go forward with whatever plans you have with your fiance. THATS who you build a future with, not your parents. They build theirs with one another. You build yours separately with YOUR partner. Even if the two of you were not any longer together you still are an adult entity outside of the two of them.

The financial decisions a couple makes they make with each other. If you and your fiance marry that will include your transition. It matters not what your mother thinks. Their money is no more "magical" than that which you and your fiance will earn. Beginning transitioning is in actuality not all that expensive. The first thing is a gender counselor right? Some can be found to work on a sliding scale. Start at the beginning, don't try to put the "whole" transition on your plate at once. Deal in steps.

[Guest Jodytg]

Why is it that with real hurts and pain we feel like we are being wusses for reaching out. In my opinion a wuss writes two or three paragraphs about somebody letting their shopping cart roll into their car door. Oh my God there is a scratch in my paint!

Real life dreams falling apart: HURT. It hurts bad. Parents rejecting you hurts BAD.

Asking for support takes courage. It is very obvious to me that your kind of an over achiever. I mean there aren't many scholars that earn a college degree and graduate high school at the same time. So my guess is that when you don't have an answer you feel less than. Please know that there are people here that do care and don't judge you. It is okay to have and write about all your feelings. It is okay to feel lost, dazed and confused. It doesn't feel good but it actually happens to everyone. The smart ones reach out as you have done.

My father almost had a coronary when I told my parents about a youth minister using me for a sex toy. Suddenly I was queer(his derogatory word) and all my friends were to. Because of that reaction are relationship was never close again. I never had the courage to him that I am transsexual. My mother wasn't much better.

That was thirty three years ago but it didn't hurt.......MUCH.

As for what you can do now. Well get up tomorrow put your clothes on remind your self that your boy friend is still with you. Take a deep breath then put one foot in front of the other. Go to class concentrate on what is in front of you and move on to the next task.

The future doesn't exist, the past can not be changed,all we have is the moment. Honor yourself, be gentle with you but be firm also negative thoughts need to replaced as soon as you hear them. Fear wants to stop us. Fear makes the future scary. Right now tell yourself what a cool intelligent and yes lovable person you are. In other words do some self affirmation dialog in your head.

It is to bad we don't have the power to take away each others pain or I would surely take away yours.

I hope something in here helps at least a little.

one last thought Fear means

F orget

E verything

A nd

R un

Take care of yourself

Jody

[Guest Evan_J]

Jodytg, sorry to get off topic, but if no one hugged you back then, I am now.

[Guest Jodytg]

Jodytg, sorry to get off topic, but if no one hugged you back then, I am now.

Thank you all hugs accepted and returned with interest.

[Guest Crossroads]

I'm just starting out, Konnor. I haven't done much. I can't tell you a whole lot. But there are a few things that I can relate to. My parents practically disowned me when I came out as gay 6 years ago. Since then, they have tried to make themselves feel better by contacting me, although nasty. I'm sure that they will disown me again, and I almost can't wait for that, for them to finally leave me alone.

I'm also worried about my job. Although I'm with a good company, I worry that I should switch to a more accepting company. I've wanted to get into another field, too. But I don't want to do it before I begin my transition.

But above all, I have my partner of 6 years, who is supportive, just as you saw Andrew is. Above all, that gives me comfort. I really don't worry about everything as much as I probably could. In the end, as long as I have myself the way I feel I should be and Angie there supporting me I know I'll be okay.

We're all here, and we're all facing the biggest decision to change in our lives. Just know that you have a support system here.

[Guest Konnor]

Wow, so I basically just had the worst day ever. It was my last PT and my last Leadership Lab for ROTC. I went around and thanked all my superiors and I teared up a little. It was just real hard, this was the only place I felt a sense of purpose and belonging. But then I came back and read all the stuff y'all had to say, and I feel a lot better! Thank you all for your very kind words, everything every one of you said helps.

Elizabeth- Thanks on the name, I'm pretty fond of it. Yeah I understand what you're saying at ROTC, the medical board DQ'd people out of no where for the dumbest things. And my mum and I have tried to get my dad to come to the therapist with us...he thinks it's a complete waste of time and he refuses to go. My dad is one of those types that never, EVER shows emotion and thinks you're a weaker person if you show it. Thus, this is the standard I've always tried to set for myself too, cuz being a guy inside, I've always looked up to my dad. It's just rough to not have his approval...

Donna Jean- HUA C-130's!! Thank you for your service ma'am, I like seeing other military folk on here.

My Gen- Yeah, I've read most of your posts and it seems like we're going through a lot of the same stuff. Thanks for your input and I hope things start getting easier for you too!!

Evan- Yep I'm planning on getting my private pilot's license once I save up the money. And I think you're exactly right on the school thing! The school I got my associate's degree at was a small community college, average class size was about 25 people. I plan on going back there for winter quarter. I can get finish my bachelor's degree in 2.5 years there, plus I'll be close to home, so I think it will be a much better fit for me. And thank you for the advice about being an adult. I guess I forget that sometimes...but yes, Andrew and I, and our future family, come first. He's actually not my fiance yet, but it's going to happen sometime. I have no doubt he's the one I'm supposed to spend my life with.

Jody- Yeah, I know I shouldn't feel like a wuss for expressing my feelings, but as I said before, that's how my dad has always acted and I've always tried to hold myself to that standard. I've come to realize I'm way too doggone emotional to hide it all the time. It helps very much to have such an amazing friend/love like Andrew whom I can tell anything. You've given me some very good advice and I will try to remember it all! And I'm not a hugger, but I suppose I can make an exception since you're so nice.

Crossroads- It's great to hear about you and your partner, I feel the exact same way about my Andrew. I hope things start getting easier for you with your job and family, it's good to hear other people are going through the same struggles.

Again, thank you all for you advice and support. I appreciate it so much. I'll try to keep you all updated on what's going on!

Thanks again, Konnor

[Guest Jackson]

Seems I'm a little late on this. And I'll forgive all the Ohio State fans too. College rivalry is an awful thing.

Anyway, my own little bit of advice on the parents. You never know how your parents will adapt. When I told my parents back in April, my mom said something to the effect that she would be dead before I'd finish the transition. I knew I wouldn't get disowned (I was adopted and my folks were way overprotective), but that was cold comfort. So things were not looking good. But I nearly fell over after my soon-to-be ex and I saw my folks for Thanksgiving. My mom was actually talking to him about it rationally. So she's accepting of it or sort of. I couldn't believe it. The woman who I thought would punish me for the rest of her life for this may actually get over it. I really never thought she would ever get to this point. Never.

So it may take time for your parents to deal with this. I've been told it usually takes three or four years for parents to accept a child transitioning and life to get back to relative normalcy. Now that doesn't mean everyone's parents do, but the majority. At least for me, that's something to take heart in.

And maybe in time you'll garner your father's approval too. Maybe it'll just take a few years for him to really see how good of a man you are and that will be all that it takes. Approval and respect do have to be earned too to really mean anything.