I need help with advice

[Guest Chase]

Ok so my situation is this, I live with my fiance and her 3 children along with my son in her house. The children know I am a transman, their ages range from 13 to 4. Her exhusband is saying that Myself being a transman is messing with thier minds, that its unhealthy for them. I guess basically because I live here with them, that Me being who I am is mentally doing them harm. They are happy, I do not do anyhting wrong to them, only help. Since he is saying these things and has said to her to give him the house and he'll take the kids, Im wondering if he can get custody or try because of me? Is it possible to say living with a transman is unhelathy and he doesnt want his kids exposed to that?

Im at a loss, and I feel horrible that people would think its harmful to children to be around someone who is trans. It saddens my heart to know that people are closed off and unaccepting, I feel like everyone besides the people close to me are against me, for being who I am.

[JJ]

These old fashioned and ignorant ideas are dying out but not fast enough. not to mention that an ex takes any weapon they can get too often and uses it to the max.

As far as what impact that can have on custody etc, I recommend you see a layer or legal aid or if you are unble then doing some online research because each state, each area and sometimes even each judge is different. Many places now it will not count against you but there are exceptions and you need to know where you stand.

I have a degree in child development as well as one in social sciences and a lifetime of experience working with families and I guarantee you that you being trans does not have a negative impact or influence on your children or children around you. They can't catch a physical birth defect after all. Nor does it have any impact on their gender identity .It;s like the tired old argument that being around a gay person will make a child gay-now seen for the utter fallacy it always was-it was once the mainstream belief.

Facing who you are and having the courage to do what needs to be done in life is in fact a tremendous example for children. Teaches them a very valuable life lesson

Sounds like the people around you need to educate themselves about the realities of gender identity and the transgendered.

Johnny

[Guest Mikkiapolis]

I see you're in New Jersey, and I suspect the northeast generally has a more tolerant perspective than other parts of the country. But you'd be able to assess your locale better than any of us can.

Some people don't cope well with this "gender stuff". Other people have no problem with it. And there is plenty of grey in between. For us, we naturally have the most issues with those folks on the one end of that spectrum. But the issue is their attitude, not who you are.

Can they use it against you? I'll be honest, when my ex-wife's divorce lawyer brought up my crossdressing in the courtroom, it didn't bode well for our custody battle. But in hindsight my lawyer sucked. Get a good one and you can probably avoid that spectacle.

As Johnny says, there's no scientific evidence to support a position that gender or orientation issues negatively affect child development. People say it, but people spout all sorts of nonsense as if it were fact. And although I agree that educating others is a worthy goal, some folks don't care to learn or challenge their own opinions/beliefs.

My suggestion is to get as much support around you as possible to help get through this. Trans support folks, professionals (e.g. a gender-identity aware therapist), and friends to whom you are out. The more confidence you have, the better this will go for you.

It sounds hard. And I wish you the best.

[Guest Mia J]

Is there a LGBT center near you? They may have someone who can give you information on your area and have some recommendations for lawyers. You need to be prepared if he does go to court and try to get custody.

Mia

[Michelle 2010]

I agree, don't doubt yourself, you're not the problem. His attitude towards the exwife May be the problem, or his transphobic attitude May be the problem, but it isn't you, and it really isn't even personal. You are either a pawn or a stereotype... It's not personal. Oh! and you are not "contaminating" children

Hugs

Michelle

[Candykane]

I do not believe that anyone can "contaminate" children. He is using them as pawns in a sick game of "blame everything on everyone " except himself. He is the one with the problem, not you!!!

Candy Kane