Sexuality

[Guest Chrysee]

Pardon the title, but now that I have your attention. . .

I need to discuss this in a tasteful and yet revealing manner among those that I deeply believe will understand. This has been gnawing at me since I first Came Out as transgendered. Infact, an encounter with another person set off a chain of thoughts and realizations that led to my Coming Out.

Now then, throughout my life I've had a steady string of girlfriends which says less about any sex appeal on my part then it says about sheer neediness and an inability to make good choices. As well, I've been married twice. At present, I am with an amazing woman who, like me, is a fading hippie who, again like me, was just leaving behind another failed marriage at the time that we met. Our children were grown, we made friends to offer comfort to each other, bonded immediately and yet still took the time to became best friends before passing Go and collecting $200.

One other thing: at 13 I and a guy friend (the same age) were racing slot cars in my basement when somehow things became. . .different between us. In fact this happened on several occasions. My friend, in time, wished to pursue it no further, much to my sadness. Of course, too, I bludgeoned myself with shame: this is not what made America great! This is not how the West was won! What would my parents say? What would God think? Most confusing of all was the fact the my enjoyment of it fought and most often bested the horror that I felt.

In my late teens, again out of the blue and for the first time since the slot car encounter, I made a pass at my best friend. He said that he wished he could go along with it, but what would people say or think? Of course I could relate, but by then I realized that concern about public knowledge and opinion of your every action, if given total control over a person, might lead to them one day feeling too embarrassed to even use the bathroom.

Decades passed without a recurrence. A couple of years ago I hired a geek (an acceptable term I'm told!) to pay a house call and fix my computer. The thrill that I experienced and originally believed to be due to my computer being fixed turned out to be the result of the fact that this guy really turned me on. After the repairs were done, and despite his tight schedule, he remained to talk about whatever subject came up. When I suggested that really needed to get back to work he seemed surprised and put off. Before leaving, he gave me his email should any further computer problems arise. I contacted him a number of times, each time keeping the conversation to the topic of computers. Once I went to the Mac store where he worked, to buy an external harddrive and, on pulling into the parking lot, turned into a school kid. I looked at the building and thought about how he was in there and perhaps if I went to the counter with a question they'd have him come out to talk. Of course I scolded myself and did no such thing.

Later, I visited his website and learned that he had a live-in girlfriend and that they were expecting a baby. So I guess his friendliness towards me was just a simple case of someone trying to be my friend. Regardless, it was during subsequent fantasies involving him that led to me dipping back into my past and 'coming out' wearing dresses and make-up when we were together in these fantasies.

In time, he vanished from the fantasies. I, on the other hand, begin picturing myself in ever more feminine garb, with styled hear and better and better make-up. Soon I wandered down the hall and back to my childhood and relived a chain of events that should a pattern that had always existed.

And I Came Out as transgendered.

I one day looked up Androgyne fashions and found Andrej Pejic. Dear God, if I was thirty five years younger I'd want to have his children. Of course being male bodied I doubt I could pull it off. But believe me, that wouldn't keep me from trying. . .again and again.

After starting a gallery of my own here at Laura's, I took the time to go through some of them and found someone who took my breath away. Okay, I'm a bit ashamed and assure you that I didn't then, nor have I ever, just cruised this sight in search of. . .This was total happenstance, and I only bring it up to finish the picture. This person was a CD, and my first thought was: "What a heartbreaker!" I've looked at the picture several times and swooned breathlessly. But I never, ever, contacted this person and am under the impression that they didn't stick around long.

But I did nothing inappropriate.

My point is, I'm 60 years old, on the cusp of celebrating ten years with my partner, and am having just a bit of a time wrapping my head around the fact that I will never have a male lover. And no, bringing this up to my girlfriend in hopes of some sort of a solution would be horrible. Trust me.

Poor me, right? There are so many worse things in this world that I've been spared, that I should be grateful for that and just shut up.

If any of this appalls anyone, I do apologize.

And thanks so much for reading.

Sad Cissy