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Me Myself And I


Guest joanna09

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Guest joanna09

Well where do you start I guess at the begining the begining of what I have often wondered this is just a brief glimspe into what my life has been about to now. When I stepped into my mothers pink knickers at the age 12 litttle did I know where that act would lead to its certainly been a long and rocky road for me and yes others I don't want to be selfish and just think about me others have been involved and its caused allot of heartache for allot of my family. My poor wife who thought she married a 100% man now to find this man wants to be woman not easy, but it won't go away and of course I don't want it to go away, I just don't want to spend the rest of my life as a woman I am now in the middle not man and not quite a woman but very much more fem than male. At first I though I was gay then realised I am bisexual. I have now thanks to this site met to very girl friends they will know who they are and the help and advice they have given has been fantasic. I have been a loner and still am but now I have come in from the cold to get some help I know what ops I need I have surgeon who will carry out the ops. Okay I guess I have just jumped from the start to the what is near the end so what has happened in the middle well sometimes I wonder how I kept my sanity. I have been raped found out twice suffered the consequences but its inside me all the time. a girl friend has told me its not so much the hormones I am taking that are making you be fem but its you driving the maleness out! I guess I am I just hate being what I am and what I have between my legs I just want to wake up that morning and see my womanhood. I have said a bit but not allot this site won't allow that sex has played a big part in me finding out what I am and what I want to do. I will write my story a paper in the UK are interested anywqy take care all of you.

Joanna

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Dear Joanna,

Know that a lot of us here feel that same inner conflict - your friend is right all of the feminine changes are not caused by the hormones, but just by you accepting yourself for who you are. It may seem selfish, after all we have spent our whole lifes pretending to be who everyone else wants us to be, but it is time to live your life for yourself!

Let go of your male self image and be Joanna!

Good luck with your surgery whenever you get to do it - I'm a long way from ther myself, I need to start hormones first! I allow myself to be a woman even when not dressed - I think like a woman so that's what I am!

Love ya,

Sally

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Guest joanna09

Hi Sally,

Do you know everytime you send me a note you just seem to hit the right note your statement "let go your male image and be Joanna" oh yes thats what I am doing all day every day the way I sit walk I am always aware now Joanna is on the frontline..................and there to stay thanks again Sally your a good girl.

Warmest Regards

Joanna

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Thanks Joanna. :blush:

It is just so much easier to look at what someone else has written and say, "I know exactly what that is!" than it is to identify our own problems.

The best way to feel good about yourself is to allow you to love yourself and everybody will sense this inner calm and peace and they will just have to love you as well.

Love ya,

Sally

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Guest Elizabeth K

Joanna -

Dear I write this while a bit sad, and I want to be upbeat (just had some terrible news - not me or you - something else).

You are like most of us here, seeking answers. I was fortunate as I came to this site after having therapy and deciding I am actually transsexual male to female. It was terrifying and thrilling to find that out... and it might be the pathway for you dear. Have you seen a therapist?

I thought I might be a cross dresser for almost fifty years, but I never fit that pattern exactly, at least what I read in my researching. There are some telling differences, and I am not a therapist so I can not talk about you, only about me, in describing what I found out.

(1) I pretty much thought of myself as a person when a young child - one that would grow up to be like my mom or my dad - and when I was told it would be like my dad, it seemed terribly wrong. I was first born and therefore an 'only child' for three and one-half years. This revelation was at about age four when my sister was born.

(2) I actually cross dressed at about age 8 because I wanted to be more like my sisters, but it was brushed off as a phase.

(3) I never masturbated when dressed until I was about age 22 - don't know why.

(4) I liked to dress and forget - going on with whatever while en femme - then when I had to leave my presentation as female I would keep little items on like earrings - so I could quickly remove or replace as the opportunity allowed

(5) I tried to err... remove certain parts... once - too much blood so I stopped - this was the most telling sign I am transsexual - I repressed that memory until suddenly it came out in therapy

(6) I had - have - and will continue to have dreams where I am gender specific (90% of dreams we remember - we are gender neutral) - gender specific for me is female. I have had... well... intimacy in these dreams and what seems to be an idea of what a woman's orgasim is like. I also have dreams where I am outed because I forgot to remove my dress, heels, or something. I have non-erotic dreams as a woman married and with two boys (reoccurring - what is that about?)

(7) Since my starting transitioning, I wake up and like you, see too much down there and wish I had something more appropriate to my feelings - that is because I am waking up feeling female

(8) I was so terribly sad-sad-sad my entire life

(9) I would be terribly depressed and angry after dressing and returning back to presentation as a male

(10) And finally -the diagnosis of transsexual made me giddy with joy - the exact opposite of what I expected

So I am really a woman - and in this male body - but that can be changed somewhat. As you said, I am driving the maleness out, and it seems to come rather easily, as perhaps there wasn't much there to begin with.

Yike - sorry about the detail.

I suppose my point is - you may want to review what you are - and a good way to do it is to take an honest view of where you are coming from. It might help you see where you might be going.

And as to sexual orientation? The IS NONE with us gender dysphoric. What we are is what we are - and it changes or it doesn't.

Good luck on your journey

Liz

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Guest Dutchie

Hi Joanna, Liz, Sally,

Pfew, difficult to write something sane that hasn't been said so far. And I suppose we're all holding our breath for a moment.

I hope you don't mind if I just "tag" along in reply-form and tell my bit.

Elizabeth said: Have you seen a therapist?

20 years ago yes, after almost 4 years I was finally "better" than before. I don't want to go into that, sufficient is to say that the message was "be conform your body and the rest will follow", without actually touching the whole gender topic with any depth. At least I wasn't depressed anymore, so let's try living like a normal male human being. Ha! Not very long...

Elizabeth said: (1) I was first born and therefore an 'only child' for three and one-half years. This revelation was at about age four when my sister was born.

Hey, are you talking about me? Ok, my start was not like yours, but same circumstances. I found out through my grandmother as part of the therapy, that I was dressed as a girl until 3 and a half. Long blond curly hair, "like an angel" did she say. I was quite angry at my parents at that time for multiple reasons, and so I immediately blamed it on them. Never having the thought occur that it could have been on my request. My grandmother insisted and I kept thinking that she wasn't with my parents all the time, so how could she know. (Yes, I have been stupid not to believe her.)

(2) I always played with the girls if I could, my family was rather big, in various ages I had around 40 nieces/nephews. I didn't have any opportunities to wear anything until the age of 14. And when I put on underwear and got aroused, which only caused me to be more confused. Sex was evil and children were made in the dark under the blankets... I had no clue...

(3) Many small signs for me, that something was wrong, were the period that people (classmates, family members) kept saying that I should stop acting like a girl. I wasn't even aware I did. I was also thought of as being gay, because of behavior I guess.

Elizabeth said: (6) I have non-erotic dreams as a woman married and with two boys (reoccurring - what is that about?)

Flashbacks from your "unfinished" past life, if you ask me.... (Don't believe me though, I dropped my crystal ball yesterday and since then it's foggy.)

I dream neutral in third person, or bystander most of the time. Especially the first or first two during a night, if I happen to wake up in between. The last one of the night I rarely remember nowadays. Wisps of images and feelings is what I usually wake up with. Never sexual though.

Elizabeth said:(9) I would be terribly depressed and angry after dressing and returning back to presentation as a male

Something I'm in the middle of, I wake up as myself, after the cleaning ritual of the morning I put on my male act for work, when I get home I do the reverse. I just don't call it dressing, because I have been taking a different route to get here.

Elizabeth said:(10) And finally -the diagnosis of transsexual made me giddy with joy - the exact opposite of what I expected

It is good to hear confirmation, but why was it the opposite of what you expected?

Elizabeth said:So I am really a woman - and in this male body - but that can be changed somewhat. As you said, I am driving the maleness out, and it seems to come rather easily, as perhaps there wasn't much there to begin with.

Honey, it was all just an act. You think Sean Connery stayed 007 when he went home?

Elizabeth said: Yike - sorry about the detail.

:blink: What detail? Did I mis something?

Elizabeth said:

I suppose my point is - you may want to review what you are - and a good way to do it is to take an honest view of where you are coming from. It might help you see where you might be going.

So true, so true!!

Elizabeth said: And as to sexual orientation? The IS NONE with us gender dysphoric. What we are is what we are - and it changes or it doesn't.

And apples are like pears but only slightly different. Right?

You're right, whatever rocks your socks off is none of our business.

Elizabeth said: Good luck on your journey

Amen

Sorry for the somewhat different layout, but I was only allowed a couple of quote blocks, so I had to change tactics.

Dutchie

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Guest Elizabeth K

Whew girls I feel just like I rode a log through a buzz saw - almost losing this site. :o

Dutchie - I think we shadow each other. Our differences are our strengths - you are right on target again. :P

What do I mean "Sorry about the detail?" I mean I tend to go on too long about a subject - an Americanism: 'too much detail.' ;)

Opposite of what I expected? What did I expect? A therapist tells you that you will never be happy like you are, that you will want to change your sex, that the cost will probably be the the loss of your wife, family and friends, that you will probably lose your job and maybe your profession, that you may be spending thousands of dollars on surgery and body modifications, that you will want hormones that will drain much of your maleness and replace it with the feelings of a menapusal woman, and that you will have to learn to speak as a woman, that you are gonna be an attractive woman but a BIG attractive woman, and although you aren't homosexual, you may want to change orientation when you have... er... other equipment.

And I was thrilled? I expected to be horrified - grin. :D

It ain't easy being us is it? :lol:

:D Sally - hey dear - you are getting to be such a sweetheart with these new people - that so gooood. You have always been a person to imitate. Hey, I wax sentimental - such a day - we almost lost each other.

'Wax sentimental" - an Americanism meaning to turn toward or assume sentimentalism - I have no idea where it comes from... HA! [sorry]

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Guest joanna09

I don't know really what to say with regards all the lovely replies I have had from you ladies, but I will try, in fact what I have done is taking a print out of all what you have said and at the weekend I study what you have said, after all you have had the decency to reply to my topic, I need to give you an answer.

Looking at the big picture we all have our various reasons why we think we should be a woman as you know with me it was putting on my mothers knickers at the age of 12 why on that day in question did I do that I can't answer was there a sexual attraction yes there was, but the one thing that really got to me and was buzzing through my head I was actually wearing something that was a womans that was very powerful for me, and yes I guess it spurred me on to wear more which I did I was always fansinated by what women wore and how they behaved , and realised thats what I want thats what I want to be and as you can see its stayed with me all the way, I just don't want to be man I hate it and of course I know being woman is not all just about wearing clothes its actually being that woman how they feel how they behave, how they feel all I can say there is what lady friends have told me how they feel, and I can relate to that. One thing Liz has mentioned sorry I was just reading through your replies was depression and anger after dressing as a woman and returing to a man wow how I hate that I really do.

I live eat sleep work and its there all the time the yearning to be woman. I am at work at the moment dressed in crap yes you know what I mean, and I am thinking what I need to do tonight, pluck my eye brows nail varnish what will I wear tomorrow as I know now all the things that a woman is thinking about, and hey I have to do washing do my chores go shopping just what a woman does.

In closing I will answer all your messages on Monday thanks for being there ladies.

Fondest Regards

John

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