A difficult compromise

[Guest Jess_k]

Its been a difficult week. My wife and I have been having some difficult discussions. We both really want to stay together, but she really really wants more kids (we have a 5 month old daughter). Not just one more, but several more. Im already full time. I was planning on starting HRT by the end of the year, and have SRS in a couple of years. These plans aren't really compatible...

So we compromised. I will wait 5 to 10 years while we have more kids, then when she has enough I will start the process then. In the mean time I will stay full time, and when we can afford it I can do other stuff like IPL, just nothing that affects fertility. It certainly wasn't an easy decision, especially since I don't pass at all... but it's what I need to do.

So I was wondering, what can I do to improve my situation without compromising my fertility? I don't mean voice, attitude, mannerisms, etc as I'm already working on that kind of thing, I mean more physical stuff. FFS is far too expensive. IPL is on the cards. What about surgery to give me breasts? Can I have that before hormones, and can I have hormones after it? Is there anything else I can do?

Jess

[Guest angels wings]

Wow Jess that was a big compromise . Your love for her truely shines

Angel

[Guest Janice Lynn]

Jess, is there any reason why she would find it unacceptable

for you to have your sperm preserved in a sperm bank

while you move forward toward realizing your goals?

[VickySGV]

Sorry there hun, but I am not hearing a compromise, I am hearing a sell out that may turn into a literal hell for both of you and the child(ren). You do not mention a specific number of children your spouse wants -- an indefinite number means she is holding you hostage. That is not the sign of a healthy marriage to begin with, where one partner holds the key to a prison cell. The sperm bank idea is a good one and your wife's reaction to it will be an indicator of what she really has in mind. <I do not blame her for wanting her perfect life all of us do, and I understand her feeling she needs to manipulate you to get it, but open your eyes to that.>

The main issue for you is to get into therapy with a Gender Therapist who works with families too. I was the eldest child in a marriage where having children was what kept things together. After my fourth younger sibling was born, (5 of us total) my parents marriage blew up like a ton of dynamite, and I was only 13 at the time. Guess who got stuck with taking over for missing parents. I may be too cautious about this, but I did have three kids, and ended up being their single parent when their mother became mentally ill. Thankfully they are now all adults and I am still around, but its been much longer than 5 to 10 years. I am thinking of the potential children you may have as well as you and your spouse. SEE THE THERAPIST

[Sally]

Vicky's warning is something to be considered about no guarantees on the marriage lasting past the birth of the last child.

Now I want you to think about something else, how many children are enough? You need to set a number and hold her to it - there is no compromise at this point and no ending point defined for the child birthing, 5 to 10 years is a pretty wide range.

Is she focused on having children as a confirmation of her femininity? If this is the case there is a guarantee about the marriage not lasting through your transition - she will not feel the affirmation and confirmation of her own femininity while being confronted with yours - not a very good situation.

I am not going to offer any suggestions other than to talk to a therapist about this situation - it is your marriage, your life and your choice - make it an informed one.

Love ya,

Sally

[KathrynJulia]

I would recomend family counseling. Discussion on children is an important consideration for both you and your wife. Each has to bend a little, but you can make this work by working a fair compromize that satisfies your wife's desires and yours as well. Marriage is about compromize and fairness. Both have to feel validated and heard. Both husband and wife need to work together for their shared good. You love her and she loves you. Having counseling involved ensures a fair discussion because a discussion about children can become very emotional. Neutral ground for both of you allows both of you to discus this.

It affects both your lives.

Kathryn

[Guest Jess_k]

Thank you everyone for your comments. We're still discussing it, trying to find a situation that is bearable for us both. I think we are working towards something more specific. She isn't being unreasonable, but I've always known that she needs to be a mum. Starting HRT would take away the option of more kids for her forever, whereas HRT/SRS will still be available to me afterwards.

[Sakura]

One must also think of it like this . kids are expensive. very very expensive , kids also become barganing chips between couples. i can't tell you how many sob stories i have heard . were ones wife talks them into waiting till the kids are full grown and out of college. before tranisitoning or continuing it. and it works . or the wife leaves takes the kids and puts the trans mother into abject poverty. paying to support children she never gets to see. effectively stopping ones transition as well.

what you say is a compromise , seems more like a ploy to me . your wife would not be thee first woman in history to use a kid to trap a man into staying with her . and far from it to trap a trans husband or atleast get them to play by thier rules.

Pose the counter copromise to her of banking your sperm. its realitivy inexpensive , as potent as the day it was collected and still gives her the option for pregnancy down the road. a perfectly viable compromise that gives her what she wan't and gives you what you want. now if that compromise is rejected by her. it may give you further bearing on her motives .... also both of you should see a therapist a good mediator. is usfull in helping relationships of this nature .

in any case good luck

Sakura

[Guest LuckyMe]

As an MtF who's wife stayed and has a similar desire to have more children, I understand what you're going through, Jess. Me and angelvice already have one daughter and our definite plan was to h ave only two, so I don't mind making sure that we at least have this second child first.... And then to bank some sperm, just in case.

As for your particular case, I think I'm a little on the fence. On one hand, I think Vicky and Sally are right, you need to make the boundaries clear and you need to make sure it really is a compromise and not a surrender. On the other hand, I think (or hope) that if she has decided to stay, it means that she cares about the relationship and is worth a little more sacrifice...

Just make sure you take enough time to talk it through and not take any decision too quickly. Good luck!

[Guest Jess_k]

We looked into sperm storage, but it's too expensive - especially considering how many samples we would need as the success rate per sample is only 16%. Even if we managed to afford the storage, the cost of actually using it is totally unaffordable.

The only reason we can "afford" HRT and SRS is that it is free on the NHS. The NHS may fund breast surgery too, which is the only way we'd manage to afford it. We are struggling to afford for me to even start IPL, we haven't yet managed to afford breast forms or even shoes yet (I have really big feet). She has sacrificed a lot so we have managed to afford a wig, clothes and makeup. She continues to do so to help me afford the rest.

I can understand your concerns, but I know her, I trust her and I don't doubt her motives. She simply has an instinctive need to be a mother, and although we're both searching for alternatives this really does seem the best option. Not the easiest, but the best.

So what I really need now is some advice on how to make the waiting more bearable by making changes in the mean time.

[Charlize]

Hi Jess, I waited 41 years of marriage. Maybe i have regrets but i don't think so. Its great that you are able to express yourself as a woman. I learned to get out into the world and be myself without hormones or surgery. And i'm glad i did because i have learned to pass pretty well. When and if i finally get hormones it will be the icing on the cake not the first layer.

Its your path enjoy.

Hugs, Charlie

[Guest Maria_B]

I'm sorry, but Kids are more expensive than sperm storage.

[Guest KarenLyn]

I'll skip the things everyone else have already been over. You mentioned breast augmentation. That is one thing you can do prior to hrt. The down side is you may have to have it reversed when you've been on hrt for a while as you may get too big.

A friend of mine did that. She was a C after the surgery then when hrt kicked in she went up to a DD.

hugs,

Karen

[Guest Jess_k]

I'll skip the things everyone else have already been over. You mentioned breast augmentation. That is one thing you can do prior to hrt. The down side is you may have to have it reversed when you've been on hrt for a while as you may get too big.

A friend of mine did that. She was a C after the surgery then when hrt kicked in she went up to a DD.

hugs,

Karen

Thanks Karen, that's really useful to know!

[Guest ~DeeDee~]

I'm sorry, but Kids are more expensive than sperm storage.

+1

If you can't afford breastforms, and all of the such how in the world do you plan on raising a bunch of children? Welfare?

[Guest Sarinah]

I see this as a fair compromise. It is important for her to have children, I can understand that. Its important for you to begin expressing yourself and so you begin transition in ways that do not compromise your fertility. You should get a number of children and at least some concept of how long you can reasonably wait.

Children are challenging and expensive, there will be unforseen considerations. Transitioning is also challenging and expensive and it too will have unforseen considerations. Your love for each other will likely be pushed to its limits, but it is your decision whether the price is worth the pain. None of us truly know you or your wife, nor do we hafto suffer the consequences of your decisions. So you should do what you feel is the right thing in your life.

-Evalyn

[Drea]

I'm sorry, but Kids are more expensive than sperm storage.

Yes it is.

I may have missed it, but what is your feelings about having kids? Is this your desire or is it something you accept in exchange for what your desire is?

[Guest shadowghost21]

I said I'll adopt when I am ready. But lucky enough for me I wasn't at a point in my life when kids were a real discussion with my partner. My needs come first, I love her but I had to make a tough decision.

Just be sure it's what you want to do or I can see this turning bad for everyone and that includes your children. So keep us up to date okay?