A Work In Progress

[Guest Elise Vahl]

Hello, my name, as far as anyone should be concerned, is Elise. I was born, male, a little under sixteen years ago (as of 12/08) in Hawaii (which I moved away from four years into my life), to two amazing parents, my mother, our family's bread winner, who has been very supportive of everything I've done in life, and my father, who throughout my early childhood cared for me and my siblings, (which won him the title of Mr. Mom). I am the last of four children, I have one brother, and two sisters, all of which I am on good terms with, but none of which are aware of who I really am (or believe myself to be) under it all.

I'll try to summerize my family, and the events relating to it up to this point. My father, who was a very worldly, and well educated man, cared for the family while my mother worked, and that dynamic remained constant for years until he passed away a couple of years back. (A traumatic enough event to knock the rest of the family off the tracks we'd been following towards a relatively normal life. Which is a story in itself, but thats for another time.) After he passed, my mother had to take the responsibility of both providing and caring for us. Although she did a remarkable job on her own, over the years I began to feel neglected, and detatched from everyone else, I blamed it partially on the death of my father, of our (my and my siblings) age differences, on this and that, in hindsight none of them really factored in the way I had believed.

Taking a few moments and looking back, there were a lot of things in my early childhood (of which I can barely remember) that could have indicated that I was, in a word, 'special'. I never took an interest in many things that other males did, and I never communicated well with them either, in contrast, the (generally) gentler gender seemed to be more fitting for me, I interacted well (and similarly to) the females around me up until maybe third or fourth grade when gender roles started to dictate who could do what when where how with whom... not surprisingly, soon after the expectations of acting... well male were set upon me, I began to exclude myself from my classmates, friends, & family. I became very anti-social, which others figured was a result of my family's loss, and eventually I became depressed to the point where I had to be hospitalized. Most things durring and directly following my hospitalization have faded from my mind, but since then (with the aid of anti-depressants), I've managed to partially reintroduce myself to society. However... most of society won't take me back.

About two years ago I started to make some realizations about myself, none of them were extremely shocking to me, I think deep down I always knew (sorry for the cliche.) Though, at one point two summers ago, something hit me (a car, but thats also another story) a fact that now is beyond obvious to me now... I've always associated with females~ I'm not sure how to describe it (a phenomena I hear is very common to many transsexuals and transgenderists,) I more or less... thought in a way, or analyzed things as if I were female... I can't really describe it better than that, don't ask me to try. In any case, between then and now I've continued to become more aware of myself, my personality, my prefered gender role, etc.

Stopping here would be somewhat of a cliffhanger, reading over this, nothing really seems that interesting (in comparison to others here). Everything is still in the works, though to add in a few bits that might be interesting, or point towards exactly where I'm sitting right now; I've become very comfortable with what I am, or rather want to be, I've been planning on and off when to tell my family, but not much more than that. My friends are aware and supportive of me, but besides that there isn't much I can think of at the moment. (Though I'm sure there is a lot that I completely spaced out on, I tend to do that when writing, which I've never been that talented at...)

-When- you see something that I probably should mentioned that is not here, or where I've made no sense (I also tend to start thinking one thing then trail off into another thought) please tell me as much so I can correct myself.

Also, should I make another post in the general intro board that just says "Hi, I'm Elise, >Insert introductory paragraph here<."?

[Guest Donna Jean]

Elise said:

Also, should I make another post in the general intro board that just says "Hi, I'm Elise, >Insert introductory paragraph here<."?

Yes, Elise, please do..I'd like everyone to meet you, ok?

Thanks, Dear

Donna Jean

[Guest Kelly Ann]

Hi Elise,

[MaryEllen]

Hi Elise,

Thank you for sharing your story with us.

MaryEllen

[Guest Kelly Ann]

Hi again Elise,

Sorry my first reply was so short...I'm really very shy. My mind wanders about constantly...there's usually more percolating on the back burner than I'm aware of...and then other times it's sort of like the aftermath of a game of '52 pick 'em up' and I just take a card...any old card at all. Relax...and make sure you read this site...it's every bit as terriffic as the people that populate it. ALL the forums are filled with points of intrest as well. Welcome to a really great place to be (-; Kelly Ann

[Guest Elise Vahl]

I wouldn't doubt one bit that everyone is terrific! -Sighs softly- Somewhere with other people like me. Yay! =)

I'll be sure to try and meet everyone, and you are welcome. (I should probably thank everyone who is taking their time to read my post, not the other way around!)

[Guest Angelgrlsue]

Hi elise, glad to meet you.

Suzie

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Elsie - I don't usually do this so early with new people, but you are hitting some things that I need to respond to - and your writing is smart and articulate - so I am using inserts in your orignal text to save time

Hello, my name, as far as anyone should be concerned, is Elise. I was born, male, a little under sixteen years ago (as of 12/08) in Hawaii (which I moved away from four years into my life), to two amazing parents, my mother, our family's bread winner, who has been very supportive of everything I've done in life, and my father, who throughout my early childhood cared for me and my siblings, (which won him the title of Mr. Mom). I am the last of four children, I have one brother, and two sisters, all of which I am on good terms with, but none of which are aware of who I really am (or believe myself to be) under it all.

Good introduction and I see you loved you dad so much! - also I sense you hope for understanding from you family - that is so important and I hope it happens - and I see that later you felt detached. Hummm... I was reading about transsexality in the book "True Selves" and it said we TS purposely distance ourselves from our family and friends because we fear the rejection we might receive if they knew our deepest feelings, so we don't want to let them see those feelings. We push then away.

I'll try to summerize my family, and the events relating to it up to this point. My father, who was a very worldly, and well educated man, cared for the family while my mother worked, and that dynamic remained constant for years until he passed away a couple of years back. (A traumatic enough event to knock the rest of the family off the tracks we'd been following towards a relatively normal life. Which is a story in itself, but thats for another time.) After he passed, my mother had to take the responsibility of both providing and caring for us. Although she did a remarkable job on her own, over the years I began to feel neglected, and detatched from everyone else, I blamed it partially on the death of my father, of our (my and my siblings) age differences, on this and that, in hindsight none of them really factored in the way I had believed.

So you have grown to the point you don't project blame on others - I believe that's so unusual. Our anger as TS seems to be built on our self loathing (we find ourseves in male bodies but are really female in mind and soul) and our frustration of not being able to express ourselves as we are. I think, we tend to lash out at others and assign blame, everyone of us. It's good to be past that, like you seem to be.

Taking a few moments and looking back, there were a lot of things in my early childhood (of which I can barely remember) that could have indicated that I was, in a word, 'special'. [special? wow - an understatement - if you were like me,just plain different describes it best - no one really 'got it' when I talked, no one really wantedme on their side of the basketball game] I never took an interest in many things that other males did, and I never communicated well with them either, in contrast, the (generally) gentler gender [We dooooo love women, yes - we wanna be near them - and be just like them - I believe that, I live that even today.] seemed to be more fitting for me, I interacted well (and similarly to) the females around me up until maybe third or fourth grade when gender roles started to dictate who could do what when where how with whom... not surprisingly, soon after the expectations of acting... well male were set upon me, I began to exclude myself from my classmates, friends, & family. [You woulda had to 'dumb down' and become 'less sensitive' to the real world around you] I became very anti-social, which others figured was a result of my family's loss, and eventually I became depressed to the point where I had to be hospitalized. [Oh Elsie - how hard it musta been - and let me guess, they never really understood why you were so depressed! Many gender dysphoric attempt suicide at this point - its a MAJOR concern here at Laura's] Most things durring and directly following my hospitalization have faded from my mind, but since then (with the aid of anti-depressants), I've managed to partially reintroduce myself to society. However... most of society won't take me back. [HA - how well said! Then you REALLY felt isolated - yikes]

About two years ago I started to make some realizations about myself, none of them were extremely shocking to me, I think deep down I always knew (sorry for the cliche.) [sweet - we LIVE those cliche's - we are not too easily put off by people telling the truth about themseves.] Though, at one point two summers ago, something hit me (a car, but thats also another story) [HUMOR - hey, Elsie, ya might make it if you have a sense of the ha-ha!] a fact that now is beyond obvious to me now... I've always associated with females~ I'm not sure how to describe it (a phenomena I hear is very common to many transsexuals and transgenderists,) I more or less... thought in a way, or analyzed things as if I were female... I can't really describe it better than that, don't ask me to try. [Hey everybody - Elsie's one of us! 'Hammer' blow for 'truth and justice' - yeaaaaaa... you got it exactly right, we think as if we had female brains.] In any case, between then and now I've continued to become more aware of myself, my personality, my prefered gender role, etc.

Stopping here would be somewhat of a cliffhanger, reading over this, nothing really seems that interesting (in comparison to others here).

Wait-wait-wait... stop this thread. Darn it Elsie - your story is the most important thing in the world, sweetheart! It's part of our story too! Never-never-never say it isn't interesting, baby. Events, insights, and other things like you write about yourself - oh... those are what WE have had happen, and have thought about. Those things have consumed us - and molded our lives since birth. You are as interesting, and as unique, and as precious to us as gold and diamonds, even more so. Never think less of what you, what WE are - we are 'GENDER GIFTED." You will need to be here a bit longer before that makes sense to you.]

Everything is still in the works, though to add in a few bits that might be interesting, or point towards exactly where I'm sitting right now; I've become very comfortable with what I am, or rather want to be, I've been planning on and off when to tell my family, but not much more than that. My friends are aware and supportive of me, but besides that there isn't much I can think of at the moment. (Though I'm sure there is a lot that I completely spaced out on, I tend to do that when writing, which I've never been that talented at...) [bUZZZZT- Wrong - you did very well - You go ahead and work at your own pace - just don't forget to post it later.

-When- you see something that I probably should mentioned that is not here, or where I've made no sense (I also tend to start thinking one thing then trail off into another thought) please tell me as much so I can correct myself. [Gotsha]

Also, should I make another post in the general intro board that just says "Hi, I'm Elise, >Insert introductory paragraph here<."?

[Hummmm. not unless you want too. We prefer to keep out too much duplication - makes it easy on the "seriously senior" moderators - grin. ]