Not exactly an MtF, but I guess I'm close enough

[Guest Protoman2050]

Hi! I'm not exactly an MtF, but more of a male-to-androgyne. I'm 21 years old, and in my second year of an immunology BSc. Ever since puberty, I knew my body did not match my mind, and my attraction to females was partly envy. Around last year, I finally figured out I was transgendered, but I also knew I was not transsexual, as I never hated my genitals (just everything attached to them!). I knew I wasn't a man, yet I wasn't a woman either, but something beyond the two, both simultaneously and yet neither.

I told Mom a few weeks ago, and she's taking me to an endocrinologist (who has a lot of MtF patients) to see if I have a hormonal imbalance and a general physical workup. I also told her of my plans to transition, and she is obviously concerned, as she needs to be.

I became very depressed, as I knew my old life will soon be ending...not a single person I've told said they would reject me, but I'll never be the same again.

Amazingly, my conservative church supports me. Me and the senior pastor had a very uplifting conversation, and he told me that God created me to be this way, that I am a eunuch, and thus that my presentation doesn't matter, as I am not crossdressing, just trying to be comfortable in my body. I also have no sexual or romantic desire. The pastor told me that I have a blessing, as I am free from the constraints of gender roles, and able to serve God in my career without distraction.

My cousin says she'll be quite happy to help me out with presentation.

And I attend a very liberal uni in a very liberal city, as well as being very resilient to criticism, and very social (I have no close attachments), so resocializing should be easy.

And I'm going to voice therapy anyway to alleviate the effects of intubation damage due to severe prematurity, and I plan on parlaying it into voice feminization.

So here's my transition plan:

1. Buy estradiol and spironolactone online, and inform my GP so I can be monitored.

2. Get my facial hair lasered off (I have the perfect skin-hair contrast for it)

3. Start weight-lifting and a cyclic ketogenic diet to get down to a below 30" waist and avert the catabolism of the HRT (I like my females slender and toned). BTW, I'm 6' 1".

4. Get my hair straightened, extended to my shoulders, and dyed blood red and cut in layers. I'll wear makeup, pluck my eyebrows, and wear violet contacts (I wear contacts under my glasses anyway...bad eyes, LOL). I won't really change my wardrobe, as I like my clothes. I'll socially and professionally call myself "Alexis" then.

5. After I graduate (I attend uni in UK, but live in California, so I can't change my ID currently), I'll have my doctor write a letter that I have changed genders, and get my name changed legally and my ID updated to reflect that. Hopefully, no one will know of my past, due to California law, the SSA no longer sending "no-match" letters, having no employment history, and I've been out of the country for 3-4 years.

6. Eventually, I'll get FFS and breast augmentation. I don't need or want SRS.

Question: can I get my gender changed on my passport without SRS?

My career goals are to either go to med school (the one I'm looking at, Royal College of Surgeons in Ireland, is where the endocrinologist I'll be seeing graduated from) become an interventional radiologist, or get a PhD and work in the biotech industry.

I'm nervous and scared, but also excited. At least I have friends who support me, God loves me, and any person who stares when I use the men's room (I'm not a lady!) will get "What are you looking at?!" If someone calls me a Transgender or a crossdresser, I'll just laugh, as that's exactly what I am....not a man, not a woman, but something beyond the two. I have no regrets of my life as a man, and it saddens me to see some transwomen treat it as a birth defect. We are not defective! We are the elite few who get to live as both genders, and we should take pride in it.

Wish me luck!

Doug/Alexis

[Guest angels wings]

Hello Doug/Alexis Welcome to Laura's You will find many members here who understand what you are going through as they have travelled similar journeys . We have many forums . Have a look around when you feel comfortable you can add a comment of your own on any topic or you can start a topic of your own. We also have chat available . You need a differnt registration to join We ask all our members to please read the terms and conditions . You can find these on the bottom right of the page . These rules are in place so we can keep Laura's a safe and warm place for all all to share . Relax and enjoy . Also on another note it's very important you don't self medicate . First visit your GP they will guide you in the next steps you need to make . This will make your journey safer. Wishing you all the best .

Angel

[Cyndee]

Welcome Doug/Alexis to Laura's Playground

This is a wonderful site to explore yourself.

Just wait till the estradiol hits your brain, your thoughts about your body image may change, be prepared for that.

Hugs

Cindy -

[Guest Protoman2050]

Welcome Doug/Alexis to Laura's Playground

This is a wonderful site to explore yourself.

Just wait till the estradiol hits your brain, your thoughts about your body image may change, be prepared for that.

Hugs

Cindy -

My parents told me to hold off on HRT and permanent facial hair removal until I'm in grad school, and I'm okay with that. I also don't want to cause any irreversible effects and risk getting ill until I'm absolutely sure this is the way I should go. I'll just do the other stuff, and hopefully that'd be enough to relieve my dysphoria. My parents say laser will be my graduation gift, but HRT I'll have to pay for on my own, when I get employed or start my PhD. They don't support my transition, but they said they'll never disown me. And they have the honor of being the few who get to refer to me by my male name and pronouns; everyone else gets to use "Alexis" and "it/sie/she".

[Cyndee]

Welcome Doug/Alexis to Laura's Playground

This is a wonderful site to explore yourself.

Just wait till the estradiol hits your brain, your thoughts about your body image may change, be prepared for that.

Hugs

Cindy -

I also don't want to cause any irreversible effects and risk getting ill until I'm absolutely sure this is the way I should go.

Yes, do make sure it's right for you, it's not an experiment. There are risks and also there are tremendous benefits when administered properly.

Cindy -

[KathrynJulia]

Hello Doug/Alexis

Welcome to the Playground and thank you for your introduction. And to answer your question about passports, yes you can. If you go to medical school, you will have many resources to read about how we develop into living and feeling as we do.

So welcome to Lauras Alexis. We're happy to meet you and greet you. I'm Kathryn Julia, and Alexis, I'm happy to meet you

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Alexis,

<<< hug >>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna

[Guest Protoman2050]

Just saw the endocrinologist this morning with Mom. She was very kind and really tried her best in understanding me;we spent most of the hour in her office discussing my feelings and the social and economic risks of transition, and she helped Mom to understand that ignoring these issues will just make my academic studies worse, likening it to having an unpleasant scar on your face and your feelings about your cosmesis become so overwhelming they sap your ability to enjoy life and be productive. She told me that the most important thing is for you to pass, and that can mean anything...there are extremely feminine transwoman who don't pass because of behavior, and extremely masculine ones who do because of behavior.

I also told her that I'll be seeing a psychoanalyst specializing in gender dysphoria while I'm back in Leeds, so I can understand myself better. The last five minutes was spent doing a physical exam and ordering a hormone panel, karyotype to rule out Klinefelter's (I have some of the signs, gynecomastia, width of hips equal to shoulders, tall, low body hair, low muscle mass), CBC, and CMP.

I see her again next week, and I'm going to ask her to put me on HRT, so my dysphoria can be relieved and I can stop worrying about my gender issues, as something is being done, and I can start concentrating on my studies (which she says is the hallmark of being able to successfully transition). She knows I understand the risks, and what they can and cannot do, plus she understands I'm an "in-betweenie" (her word), so I'd be okay with partial bodily feminization. I told her I'm going to parlay my voice therapy into vocal feminization therapy. Mom says if I get a first this semester, she'll let me buy my cosmetic stuff (save for laser, which will be a graduation gift; my Gilette Fusion ProGlide Power razor gives me an excellent shave), i.e. hairstyle, clothes, eyebrow plucking, colored contacts, and makeup.

I've had breasts for years, plus my clothing style will be male clothing with female accessories, so until I can perfect my voice, I'm going to present as an extremely metrosexual male. Or just present as female and say my low, raspy voice is due to my intubation trauma. And should I still use the men's room, or risk it in the lady's room? What's an androgyne to do? Suggestions, girls?

[Guest]

Hello Doug/Alexis,

Welcome to Laura's Playground!

You're making great progress! I do hope to hear more about how you're doing.

I would say that your plans may change as your transition unfolds. Do keep an open mind and be ready to change your schedule as your new life unfolds. I happen to be an engineer by education, but resisted making a timeline for my transition. It's been a good non-plan so far...

I heard an Androgyne once say that they were everyone's opposite sex. When it comes to bathrooms, the world isn't that enlightened? At one time I had to drive 300 miles and was still uncomfortable about restrooms. I mapped out all of the Starbucks along the road because they always have gender-neutral restrooms. I still use the gender-neutral restrooms at my workplace, (long story about that however). We both live in liberal areas. It's really a non-issue around here.

As far as presentation? You have gender freedom! Which means you can choose the best of both worlds, or you can create your own. Do what makes you the most comfortable in your own skin!

I wish you all the best! I hope you'll hang here with us and let us know how you're doing!

Love, Megan

[Guest Protoman2050]

What mental effects should I expect on HRT? I understand the physical ones, but the mental ones are still a mystery for me.

Luckily, I have a mom who's supportive...very wary, but supportive and willing to listen to me and my endo. Dad, however, while he obviously still loves and likes me, thinks I'm wasting money to be a girl. I've told him that a) I'm not becoming a girl, and it's kind of hard to study when you have a constant feeling of wrongness about your body. He then said that he doesn't like his body either...how do I explain that gender dysphoria is not like being overweight (okay, it sort of is).

And I've integrated my Christianity with my transness. And my pastor understands that I am not like most of his flock, and I need to be shepherded carefully, as I am under the Biblical category of eunuch, due to my asexuality and androgyny. He's quite interested, and that my transition will be a learning experience for him as well. Funny, he's Reformed Baptist, which is otherwise not rainbow-friendly. Although I'm also against homosexuality as well (but it doesn't mean we can vilify them or hate them...changing orientation is impossible, but celibacy is a valid option...look at me! I'm female-attracted, but celibate).

I've got an old friend who I found out that is literally the exact opposite of me: we were both Christians and friends, until he started insulting me for no reason. He told me he's now atheist, pansexual, and neutrois (something I cannot understand), but yet refuses to transition...at all. He still dresses male, acts male, etc. Like he's claiming the trans label just to...what, exactly? He then proceeds to insult my issues, and can't be serious about anything. Talking to him became so frustrating I demoted him to acquaintance. He also gets offended that I'm religious...come on.

Also, why don't you transwomen and transmen identify as androgynes? You can't erase all of the previous gender and sex, so why not be proud of it?

[Guest]

What mental effects should I expect on HRT? I understand the physical ones, but the mental ones are still a mystery for me.

Also, why don't you transwomen and transmen identify as androgynes? You can't erase all of the previous gender and sex, so why not be proud of it?

Hi Honey!

Mental effects on HRT? Some people say they've had none. I will say the opposite. It has made me more sensitive and less aggressive at a minimum. It's opened my mind to things that I wasn't as keenly aware of, bisexuality for instance.

As far as ID'ing androgyne? In my case, I can agree, but that's just me. I know others who are nowhere near masculine and need to be as far away from it as possible. There is a spectrum of trans-people, and all of us have to find a path that's comfortable.

How's that for non-answers? As much as I've had contact with others, I find that we've a wide variety of experiences and responses. It really is an inexact science.

Often we call transition a series of baby steps. For me, that series was to explore and discover what was needed. I didn't have an answer for who I would be three years ago. And my transition contiues. I'd encourage you to enjoy that discovery process and follow where it leads...

Love, Megan

[Guest Protoman2050]

Me and Mom just got back from my endocrinologist. I am a perfectly healthy XY male according to the labs, so she said I can definitely physically handle HRT. We spent another hour talking about the nature of gender, what to expect from transition, and the importance of being happy and functional. She declined to prescribe me HRT, though as a) doctors in England won't like being ordered around by a foreigner, and she said I should discuss things with the gender psychoanalyst I'll be seeing in Leeds, so I can make sure of myself, as well as have someone to talk with during my transition, as she doesn't want me to be without psychological care; I've already have my pastor and best friend, plus Mom, so having another person to open up to will be nice.

She also advised me and Mom to read Second Serve by Dr Renee Richards, to understand the importance of being happy and understanding yourself, so I won't end up like her. Tell me, does anyone look up to that ugly (why does everyone I hear about in the media get SRS first, and not FFS?!?) and unpleasant, boring person (you got SRS, and now you don't like it...it's your fault, no-one else's...if you want to be a man again, just do it) as a role model, except in a negative way?

She also made an observation you girls have probably made: I have an extremely ordered and logical mind, and tend to want to "jump the gun". She said to slow down, don't worry about what problems you'll face, just relax and talk with a therapist. I will, as I do need to analyze myself a bit more, and she told me to give my therapist her number. But I will assert myself to get them to write an HRT letter within the first visit, so I can actually begin transition in some form, to end this dysphoria. I will transition slowly, but I'd like to actually begin it.