how did any one else know they were really a girl ?

[Guest DanD]

sometimes i wonder that too, how does someone know theyre really a girl.. or a boy? (trans or not)

i knew when i was about 2. definitely knew at age 3, and i remember pondering the idea. and puzzling why it is, that i was in the body of a girl, but i was a boy? i knew nobody would understand. i wasnt sure if something happened to me, or if i was born this way.

I didnt not have the image in my head of growing up and being a woman. when i wasa kid, i either just didnt think of it because it wss too much to think about, or i figured somehow god would fix things, or id change suring puberty , and just become a normal man.

when i was four i remember saying i wanted to be a cowboy when i grew up. i definitely knew what i was saying, but people are kind of slow sometimes and don t pick up on the most obvious hints.

the idea was so firmly planted, it couldnt have been more planted in my head if i were a normal boy to begin with.

its not that i couldnt play with the toys i wanted, but i sometimes didnt get exactly what i wanted...

my brother had trucks but he';d outgrown them so they were there, and anyone could play with them. or matchboxes or anything else. kids would play house, and that was girls and boys. but i was the daddy or granddather or uncle.

i didnt mind hopscotch or dolls, jacks, or marbles, baseball or softball.

girls had to play on softball teams, they didnt have baseball for girls, just the boys, which never made sense to me. a softball is much bigger, and harder to hit or throw or catch than a small baseball. and baseballs fit in the gloves better. So youd have to find a glove for a small hand but with a bigger pocket, and it has to have strong stitching or it would fall apart.

they used to praise my playing and say i played like a boy, and i thought, of course I do!

in the neighborhood i played with the boys and i was very good, thats the reason they let me play with them.

I loved to hit the ball, and i got at least one home run in every game one year, the year before that was close..but the year after I dont remember, some girl on the team used to keep track of everything in her notebook and knew our batting averages and stuff, and she grew up to become an accountant, which figures, huh?

[Guest Rebecca65]

I knew at around 5 years old,I used to put on my mom's bra and some of her clothes and try on heels [just about walk in them were so big] every thing was big.I got caught many times by my mom.She used to say that I was jealous of girls.She was patially right. Nothing was done back then about being a transgendered.I remember vaguely hearing my Dad talking to my Mom about something they heard about Ex-GI Christine Jorgenson.The dressing up kept up I even put on lipstick and makeup before I was 7 years old.I always played with the girls when I could,even in school.Starting in Kindergarten.The teacher tried to seperate the girls from the boys at certain times,I was always being told I did not belong on the girls side of the room.I used to pray every night that I wake up a girl.When my Mom would go see her Sisters I got to play with my female cousins we were all a few weeks apart in age.I had a great time with them,all the while wishing I was them.Now many years later,I'am still the same,going to see a Endo.at the end of the month.I'am 66 years old and not happy.My wife of 32 years accepts me but knows I am not happy.She says I am happiest when I'am dressed as a Woman.I don't even enjoy sex as a man.I hate being male. I will get something done about this very shortly when I see the Endo.

Rebecca

[Guest SusanB]

Have known most of my life but never did anything about it. When i see a good looking woman there is no lust, only envy. Just found out about transgender people a few months ago and thought, my god there are others out there like me. Went to a therapist for the first time yesterday, guess i'll have to see where this voyage takes me. BTW i'm 53 and the idea of changing is exciting but also scares the heck out of me.

[Guest Sentience]

I've known since age 3, when I knew there were such things as boys and girls.

Exactly.

[Guest Lady Anya]

I remember Christmas, when I was 3 years old. I had received a train set and my cousin had received a ballerina doll. I secretly envied her for receiving the doll and was angry about having to play with the train set. Every Christmas and birthday, I always wished for that doll, but I never received one, until this year, my birthday a few weeks ago when I bought myself a doll...

It was moments like this that I knew from an early age who I was within.

[Guest Tamar]

I'm kind of the opposite of many here; I never "cross-dressed" before transition. I was pretty much oblivious about gender as a child. It wasn't until I was around 11 that the world started to make less and less sense. I never fit in and did my best to be invisible. Just kep[t hoping someday I would figure out how to be like eveyone else (never did). The older I got the more I censored how I acted and spoke. Despite being somewhat envious of other girls I didn't really know why I felt that way until much later. Around age 31 I have my first real conscious thoughts about tranition, but it all seemed so impossible I quickly went back into denia for another decade. With each passing day life became more and more unbearable. At 41 I hit the wall; I literally could not stand living the lie anymore. The rest, as they say, is herstory.

Yup! To the year.

Hugs Cassie

[Guest ZensandT]

The first actual conscience thought of wanting to be in a female body was around 3 or 4 years ago, and it kept nagging at me for awhile before it went away. It came back last year and then did some research and found out a lot more and that my previous idea of what being transgender was, was wrong.(Had heard of girls with penises before but didn't make the connection that they were in a male body first and had to go through transition, and thought it was fascinating)

[Guest TiredTraveler]

I'm not 100% sure that I am a woman. In the last two years, though, the intensity of the pain caused by having to live as a man has increased, and it shows little sign of abating.

Growing up, I can recall hints here and there: I remember being profoundly jealous of my sister and always wanting to play with her toys or hang out with her friends; I recall being poor at making male friends (keeping only one or two close ones, as I still do today; I'm far more able to maintain several simultaneous friendships with women); I recall fantasizing about becoming a girl from as early as 4th grade (well before it could become a sexual fantasy) and I remember wishing I could go with the girls to their sex-ed class when our classes split. I recall falling asleep in middle school dreaming that maybe I'd wake up with breasts and start girl puberty, but I recall being deathly afraid of what that would imply for my rather poor social life.

I recall cross dressing in middle school, though by this time it had gotten caught up in erotic behavior; I've spent a lot of time and effort trying, once again, to separate the two (succeeding only in the last few years) in order to know if I'm just a crossdresser or if the crossdressing was a semi-acceptable way (eroticism) to deal with an issue I couldn't bear to face (being transsexual).

I can even recall sitting in a classroom in middleschool and getting "caught" staring at one or two girls, then feeling angry because I was staring in envy (I liked one girl's skirt, and I was jealous of how easily they got to socialize together and make friends while I sat there lonely) and they thought I was just some typical pig middle-school boy with one thought on his mind.

I can recall killing, very intentionally, some desires and interests in myself because they didn't fit the "expectations" of boys. I loved arts and crafts (including cross-stitching, which my mom and sister were in to), but gave them up for martial arts and then track & field (both of which I was horrid at). I took music lessons (I'm quite good at piano and at singing) and, thankfully, I hung on tight to those despite it hurting my social life among boys. Music continued to be a rare life-line for me - a way to express emotion that I otherwise couldn't touch. I don't know if you've ever heard Chopin's Piano Preludes, but listen to numbers 4, 6, and 20 (at the least, they're all marvelous).

The persistent things, for me, have been how easily I socialize with girls. The only thing that gets in the way, and this just wrecks me, is that they worry I'm interested in getting with them, rather than interested in them as a friend. That I am (quite happily) married doesn't help; a married man befriending a single woman is always going to look suspect. But there it is: I desire women friends and tend to make them quite easily when they accept that all I'm after is friendship. The other persistent thing is just that nagging feeling in my gut, that sense that things aren't right, that something is out of place. It is incredibly disorienting, even debilitating, and many are the nights I've come home from work and just wept.

In spite of that, until the last two years, I never experienced this as a conflict with my body. It was always about social roles - what I could and couldn't do (in my own conception of social roles) or who I could and couldn't be. It wasn't about biology. And my interest in girls always felt like a really, really, really INTENSE curiosity (I felt an almost compulsive need to know what girls felt or experienced; I wanted that experience to be MY experience); because of that, I assumed I wasn't fully transsexual: I didn't have conflict with my body and I didn't think of myself as a girl (just painfully interested in them).

As that pain and curiosity has continued to grow and develop over the last 15 years, though, it has intensified. And now my body does, on some days, feel "wrong." More days than not I'm consciously "fighting" my gender identity (whereas before, I could go days, weeks, or even months without feeling pain over gender). And it continues to worsen. That scares me.

So when did I know? I don't know. Perhaps now - perhaps the last two years - are my moment of coming to know. Perhaps I should have "known" sooner. Who knows?

[Guest Deena]

For me, I didn't know for sure until I found out that there was actually a way for it to happen (hormones). Once I knew that, I couldn't stop thinking about it - EVER.

[Guest Deenah]

I grew up with 3 sisters,when i was 7-8 i started to wonder why i didn't have those growing,why didn't i look like that,why did i have to have short hair. When it was time to go to school i faked being sick so i could stay home. I would go into there room and put on there cloths. It felt so much better. When they started getting older i spent alot of time with them,learning from them as i was simply growing up as a young girl. I started cycling along with them but of course didn't get the period. Something was wrong and i couldn't figure it out..Back then transgender was not talked about.Long story short, after many years of disappointment i finally figured it all out. Went to a GT and after the first time i was like .. omg. i wish i would have known and been able to do something about this a long time ago. Now i have,and im happy to be on Hrt and reliving the childhood that was truly meant to be.

[Guest Jenny_W]

Well, it's happening right now - or am I only just realising now?

Been CD for 30 years since age of 10, but this year everything has changed and intensified. I'd don't just want to look pretty some of the time, and when I go back to drab, it's starting to feel quite bad. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin anymore...

• I'm speaking with people in a different way - my voice is the same, just my conversations are more about compassion, sharing, experiencing and other typically feminine qualities.
  
• I didn't know that I loved bra's so much! (pretty but oh, so expensive!). They look so right on my chest now.
  
• I want to tell my close friends about myself so I don't leave them behind.
  
• I love it when my ex calls me Jenny. When she asked if I want to be referred to as 'she', part of my brain screamed OH YES PLEASE.
  
• I am sitting up straighter at my desk at work
  
• I am starting to not like the look of my face in the mirror, which is a little disconcerting after all these years of looking at it
  
• I love smelling like a girl (perfume is just the best, isn't it?)
  
• I actually fall asleep quicker and sleep more soundly when I'm wearing a nighty
  
• When I look down at my chest, it looks so flat. And it's stressing me out a little.
  
• I am starting to think that I can transition and keep my family, my friends, my job.
  
• I want my voice to sound feminine
  
• I am seeking help from a GT because I have this feeling that my future is going to be alot different from my life up til now
  

So, even though I haven't felt this way from a young age like some here, I think I am catching up fast!

Jenny

[Guest fantastictoo]

My story echoes many of the previous posts. I starting believing I was a girl at a young age, like 3 or 4. I didn't know Howe to tell anyone that this was how I felt because with my family, gender is a black and white thing. No gray areas. I came out about 13 years ago, but back then my therapist thought I had borderline personality disorder and the "expert" I went to su ggested we try some drugs for ocd. I am so bitter about that, but now I am done hiding Melissa like she's some freak. Btw, I'm 38. The older ladies on herehave given me hope...I'd not want to go through this at age 55.

By the way, I used to pray to God for breasts and I got gynecomastia instead..what would ave happened I would have prayed for the whole package?

[Guest Rebecca65]

Like so many here I knew at a young age.I remember back in my Kindergarten days being reprimanded by the teacher to stay on the boys side of the room,and play with the boys and there toys.At home I would play with the girls on my street,when I was very young.I remember dressing up in my mothers clothes when my little brother was sleeping in a Bassinet and my mother was in the next room and of course she caught me.She would ask me if I thought I was a girl,of course I said I felt that way.She said I was a boy and accept thats the way you were born.But it did not end.I prayed every night that God would change me.I grew up playing the male role,but always dressed female when I could,got caught numerous time.Did not change who I really was.I did not like the changes to my body at puberty,for a short time I thought I was getting Breasts because the Condition Gynaneomastia started and stayed and I was not fat.I dated girls when I got older,got married.Now I am in my late 60's and go to a Endo referred from my GP because of Hormone problems and find out I'am a xxy male,no surprise here.I never came out to anyone but my wife.I live at home 100% Dressed female.All I need is a ton of courage to get female HRT and Transistion.

[Guest ballerinawish]

i remember that i knew i was a girl because i was always so jealous of my little sister. my mother would buy her dolls and cute dresses but as a bit of a tom-boy she didn't appropriate them. i rember that i would want to steal them because i would appreciate them. i also rember that at the dance recitals my family went to for my aunts and my sister i was so envious of the ballerinas. the way they moved the way they looked, the way they dressed, everything. i wanted so much to be up there but i had to pretend i was board to try to keep myself "normal"

[Guest x-Cheza_Rayne-x]

Well this is a complicated question. I guess lets start it off this way.. I SHOULD have known very early on in life. But I didn't actually realize it until I was 20-21. I had always had the dressing fetish and it made me feel... Good. But it wasn't until I actually went on the internet and explored why I did that I had my realization. I thought I was a CD. So I was looking into that for a week or two. But then I started seeing others posting stuff on the website I was on that matched my feelings. These posts were from TG/TS individuals. Than I just took a look back through my life and realized.... "Holy crap! I am really a girl!" So many different signs that should have led me to conclusion WAY earlier in life.

So that's how I made my realization. Now I am just trying to do whatever I can to make it happen! Best wishes!

[Guest Mar2012]

My earliest and most vivid memories are of playing with my sister's Barbies and trying on her clothes whenever the opportunity would arise.

I would wait until no one was paying attention, sneak off to some isolated location, lock the door, listening so carefully for any footsteps. I'd slip into whatever I'd been lucky enough to procur (sometimes out of the hamper - ewwwww, what was I thinking?). I'd feel so free, so pretty. I'd twirl around to look in the mirror and see...a boy in a dress....

Even before puberty, I always had such a defeatist attitude about the possibility of being a girl. The other kids in my immediate famlily (sister, cousins) were girls, and I just felt like such an ugly duckling. I used to love shows/movies about tomboys who for whatever silly contrived reason had to get all girled up and then would blossom into the swan they were always meant to be.

Somehow I always "knew" my feelings were "wrong". Of course, as an adult, I realize that being happy and being myself isn't wrong at all. I have no notion where I gained that negativity, as I really don't have many memories from before I was 6 or so...

[Guest MiraJ]

Well, i kinda knew but i didnt know what i was dealing with.....growing up in a small town (800 population) you dont get to meet alot of "stuff" outside that. So, TG was unknown and you dont dress in girl clothes.......small town society thinking.....well with that embedded since childhood...i just shoved it deep down in me and supressed it.....i noticed it trying to come up in me but i was trying to fit in as a guy.....which never really worked well.

Puperty, i noticed it alot and i thought it was just some sick fantasy that made me shove it back down.

Now after hearing about it and researching...i had no doubt in my mind that i am infact born a girl in the wrong body and after 33 years i am doing something about it.

If i only knew earlier.....i could have avoided several things in my life.....like a divorce.

Well, i always kick back and remember that i cant change the past but only the furture and the furture is what we make of it.

So, im trasitioning and i enjoy everybit of it and in becoming my true self.

Mira

[Guest Cyndi Flowers]

I knew it from very early on. At about 10 I grew breast buds but the Dr. brushed it off as unimportant. In elementary and Jr. High school there were newspaper articles about "boys" who suddenly started getting periods so I figured it was just a matter of time. By high school I figured out that wasn't going to happen. I went through a time when I seriously wanted to be pregnant and lactate. I thought maybe they could just implant an embryo. Years later I had pain on the right and left of the center of my lower abdomine and the nurse pracitioner commented that "If you were a woman this would be easy to diagnose" and I thought "well?". I'm still convinced that if anyone would check they'd find ovaries and a uteris.

[Guest NadineElaine]

My defining moment was around age 7 or 8. I was watching a movie, and something clicked in me, I still remember the feeling. It wasn't overwhelming....I guess I would describe it more as an "aaaah" moment. Like I had been lifted out of a fog, and suddenly just knew I was a girl, but nobody else could see it. So I ran to get my sister, thinking that I just need to tell people and everything will be fixed after that. Oh, the innocence and simplicity of youth. Would be nice if it did work like that though.

[Guest sharonmoore]

When I was three or four I was asked what I wanted to be when I was a man, I was heartbroken saying I don't want to be a man, I want to be a lady. Thoughts of being a lady have come and gone but one of my recurring dreams was one that has already been mentioned; that of wanting to push a button and make me female while I was asleep.

I also remember a drama class at school when we were reading a play, can't remember which, I was asked top play the part of a character called Carrots. It was only half way through the reading that I realised Carrots was a girl. What I couldn't understand at the time was why I wasn't mortally offended by it.

[Guest jody h]

im still working it out. wanted to play with sister and her friends when young then shy and confused as a teenager. screwed up life since then till recently. its not the feeling female thats the problem its the making it work.

[Guest MiraJ]

Thoughts of being a lady have come and gone but one of my recurring dreams was one that has already been mentioned; that of wanting to push a button and make me female while I was asleep.

Omg...that button i have wished for and all i wanted is to be a girl for one day.......pfffttt if it would have happened....i wouldnt have wanted back......screw the one day. LOL

Mira

[Guest MiraJ]

I knew it from very early on. At about 10 I grew breast buds but the Dr. brushed it off as unimportant. In elementary and Jr. High school there were newspaper articles about "boys" who suddenly started getting periods so I figured it was just a matter of time. By high school I figured out that wasn't going to happen. I went through a time when I seriously wanted to be pregnant and lactate. I thought maybe they could just implant an embryo. Years later I had pain on the right and left of the center of my lower abdomine and the nurse pracitioner commented that "If you were a woman this would be easy to diagnose" and I thought "well?". I'm still convinced that if anyone would check they'd find ovaries and a uteris.

Get it checked......very possible.....you making me think now.....hmmmmmm

I do recall getting a formation under my nipples right on the beginning of puperty....i freaked back then. If i only knew........

Hmmmm and other symptoms....i always brushed off as stomach pain. I need to pay attention from now on.

[Guest Paige712]

I guess it wasn't until Puberty when I truely knew for certain. I had always suspected it due to my love of playing with dolls, dressing up in mums clothes when alone, playing with her make up and stuff but when those horrible changes started to occur to my body I knew 100% I was female. Around that time I felt so depressed I would simply pray to God every night hoping beyond hope he could correct this mistake, I didn't know what else to do really.