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Advice on Coming Out to my spouse....

Guest MsGsptlsnz

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Guest MsGsptlsnz

Ok, I think my wife is starting to get suspicous. I've been slowly removing more and more hair and she noticed the arms yesterday. I gave her a passable excuse about getting frequent IVs and blood draws not wanting hair to get pulled by tape. But then she found the Apricot Facial Scrub I bought as part of my plan to have more fem skin that I didn't want her to find out about. I've told her I'm getting some middle age vanity and want to look better. She's getting weirded out.

I shaved my legs in the shower yesterday. I thought I managed to hide it pretty well. I tend to go to bed before her but I left some hairs on the soap bar. She is really starting to wonder.

So I was thinking that maybe I need to accelerate the coming out plan so it doens't happen under uncontrolled circumstances. I was thinking this weekend I would get our son over to a freinds house for the day and come home, have some intimate time with my spouce and in the afterglow drop the bomb on her.

Good idea or not?

I think I will present it as a part of me, something that I when I indulge "her" I feel better and have a desire for intimacy. If I suppress it I will go back to be more androgenous. I plan to tell her this is something in my package of issues, nothing to do with her. Something I've done since I was 8. I will tell her I really want her to stay with me understanding that this is part of me that I have to indulge from time to time but she can either be a part of it or not. Her call.

Now I'm rambling...

I was thinking the talk should be in my male mode. If she doesn't flip then show her my fem side.

Anyone have any suggestions on how to explain this beyond what I have already seen here?

Please help me, I love my spouse and want to stay with her but if I'm not open with her soon I think she will suspect me of having an affair or something that will destroy us.

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Guest angels wings

Lovey it is best to do it in male mode as doing it the other way will totaly shock her . Maybe just chat with her about your childhood and let it go from there . Be gentle and reassuring of what she means to you .she may take it two ways be wow ok I knew something was up and be ok with it or she may be totaly against it . Just give her time . Wishing u all the best .

Angel (((((( hugs)))))

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Guest angels wings

You are welcome :) just remember you have known about this since you were 8 . This may be totaly new to her . There will be lots and lots of ????? What we mainly need from our partners is honesty and to know we still are loved,and adored the rest slowly falls into place .

Angel :)

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Guest MsGsptlsnz

Well, I've been trying to shove this into a deep dark hole in my mind since I was 8... Beng raised in the heartland isn't conducive to flexibility in sexual identity. It's only been in the last couple months that I've aknowledged that this is a part of me that I can't get rid of any more than I can stop loving my wife and child. It's such a fundimental chuck of my psychological makeup that denying it leaves me a souless monster who laughs at the misfortune of others.

She has to see that this is better. I've been more intimate, more cuddly, more sensative better at doing chores around the home and have all but stopped teasing her and our son like I used to. I've become a better man by letting out my inner woman. I just hope she can cope with all this.

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Guest LizMarie

1. Do it in male mode. One shock at a time.

2. Be prepared to lose her and possibly your child. A small percentage of couples manage to stay together. Most split, unfortunately, something that I am experiencing myself despite 5 months of "going slow" for her.

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Guest angels wings

You can't hide and been true to yourself and her is important . You could have many fun times together . But it does take time . It is not impossible that's for sure . Don't rush her take it slow . I know that what helped me was joining Laura's . I learnt so much . I read others experiences and was given hope . Maybe she may like to join she will surely find support here .

Angel :)

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Guest Eve Caillard

I wish you all the best on your talk.

Male mode - absolutely. I agree - stick with that for the coming out. To be honest, I chickened out and wrote an e-mail letter to my wife but did include an image of myself dressed. She was...shocked....but took it well and the email helped break the ice so I could talk.

But my wife, while accepting the fact, is acutely nervous of actually seeing my femme side. I recently wore some gorgeous black satin pyjamas with camisole top to bed in the hope she might 'like' what she saw (a kind of gentle surprise). It did not go down too well. So based on that experience maybe I would suggest taking it a step at a time and gradually increase her 'exposure' to the fem side - don't try to show her any dressing until she asks to see. But it is only my suggestion.

Whatever, you are facing a very brave moment and keep true to your heart.



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Guest JamieJamie

1) You need to be open and honest with your wife, as hard as it is. 2) Don't expect her it accept it right away, if at all 3) be prepared for the worst, (mentally) 4) Don't be upset with her if it does not go the way you expect, she needs time to adjust. 5) Explain yourself to her as best as you can 6) Be sensitive to how she feels, let her know you don't blame her for being upset, 7) be ready to accept a barrage of insults, don't return them, just accept them.

I came out to my wife nearly two weeks ago. It wasn't easy for either of us. She was very upset, disturbed, etc. I don't blame her and I cannot. It took me 40+ years to accept this, I cannot expect her to accept it in 40+ hours. In these last few days she has started to accept and actually asked what I want. She is not prepared to see me as a woman, and I can accept that. However she has agreed to me starting HRT, I have explained the changes that will occur, that my body shape will change to more of a female, she's not keen but is accepting.

Good luck, be strong and be healthy.

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Guest angels wings

Hello Jamie :) Welcome to Laura's :) I see this is your first post :)

There is an introduction forum . If you like you can write a small intro about yourself there . This allows other members to see you are new and welcome you also :) . We ask all or members to please read the terms and conditions . You can find these on the bottom right of the pages. This allows Laura's to remain a safe and warm place for all to share :) Welcome :)

Angel :)

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Guest MsGsptlsnz

Thank you for all your advise. Knowing there are others who are making this work helps me to no end. My spouse and I have always had an odd relationship, this may be one more oddity that she accepts and we move on. She has put up with my failing health and a bankruptsy, this can't be worse than some of the scares we have had over the years. My biggest worry is she will flip out over the fact that I spend money on fem items. She flipped out over spending on fishing gear which the whole family can use, I doubt she is going to see my outfits in a better light...

But it has to be done, the longer I wait the harder this will be. It's just that I've managed to hide this from everyone I've ever known for so long, letting this cat out of the bag to even one of them is scary.

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Guest MsGsptlsnz

You are on the right track, remember the keys: Be patient, take it slowly, and be confident

I'm hoping that her more masculine nature makes this work. She's a bit of a tom boy most of the time in jeans and unisex shirts. Some of that is because she is a 4X but most of it is her mother wasn't much of a feminine personality either. She has her girly moments but mostly in home decorations, not self decoration. I think the last time she wore a skirt was my sisters first wedding 6 years ago. I don't recall her wearing one since. She wears alost no jewlery and her makeup is either covered in dust in the closet or in my dressing stuff :D .

I'm actualy more worried about how she will take the fact that I've spent money without her permission than the fact that I fit into a size 22 and have better looking legs than she does.... ;)

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Guest MsGsptlsnz

Well, I did it. Got our son over to a freinds house, came home and had some intimacy and I outed myself.

At first I thought she was taking it well. She asked some good questions and then she suddenly broke down crying. She was angry that I didn't tell her about this 13 years ago when we first met.

Mind you I understand she is upset but really. "Hello, so glad to be here on our first date. BTW, just something I tell everyone when I first meet them, I like to wear womens clothes" Yeah, that's going to go over like a fart in a space suit....

She is still crying.

I may be single again real soon if she doens't wrap her head around this.

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Guest MsGsptlsnz

Update to the update...

She sent me for Taco Bell and she drank a bottle of wine. Now she's in the bedroom laying down.

Oddly enough this is a good sign...

She isn't yelling at me, throwing my things out or calling her family. All good signs.

I told her she should call a freind of hers who lives in another state. They are people we have known for years and we have a lot in common with them. I told her if she wanted to go and visit them with our son I would understand and make sure the money worked out for it.

Still on pins and needles wondering if I will be sleeping in a hotel this time next week...

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Guest *Charlotte P*

One of the hardest moments you will ever face was when you told her. I know it was the hardest thing I ever did.(I was fortunate and did it before the wedding so if she didn't accept me, there weren't any legal issues to go through)

I can offer you this, let her get her head wrapped around it and don't push things on her. Let her take the next steps and you will know quickly what type of setup you will have. If you have read around this forum, you know that there are spouses that want nothing to do with them after they come out to them, some that accept it and just want nothing to do with that side of it, some that accept it and don't mind it being around/in front of them, and the most fortunate of all, the ones that accept it and encourage and help with that side of your life.

Please keep us posted as to what happens next, as we are on pins and needles for you...were here to support you, no matter the outcome..



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Guest angels wings

She will be upset lovey . It's alot of emotions .be patient and don't push just let her work through it . I know I for u it's a big releif but for her , her world just changed .shewill hopefully move to the next stage but if she gets angry at you remember she is not really angry at u but at how this has changed her world as she knew it. She can get through this . I encourage you to tell her about Laura's so she knows she is not alone and that others have made it . Wishing you and your family all the best ((( hugs))))


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Guest MsGsptlsnz

Well, I think we are past the worst of it. She made me delete my Amazon account because she played detective and found some records of stuff I bought there. Not happy about the money. Just like I thought. Part of the deal is I loose my checking account and put my check in her account. I'll be on a strict allowance I suppose. She isn't demanding I stop, just not sure if she wants me in her bed tonight. I've told her I will do whatever she wants. But for now the crying seems to be over.

We move on. Slowly....

Thank you for all the support. I will need more of that as this goes on I am certain.


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Guest Megan_Lynn

Well, I think we are past the worst of it. She made me delete my Amazon account because she played detective and found some records of stuff I bought there. Not happy about the money. Just like I thought. Part of the deal is I loose my checking account and put my check in her account. I'll be on a strict allowance I suppose.


You do realize if you do this you will literally be at her mercy. Not sure if you get paid weekly ,bi weekly or monthly. If you give up you own checking account and put you funds in her account she could put you out and you would have zero money. This would be the worst if you get paid monthly. Never ever let let someone have this kind of control especially right after dropping a bomb on them like you did. So basically what I am saying is be smart cover your butt. If you really will go through with this them make sure the account of hers gets changed to having both your names on it for you own safety. The demands just sound a lot like a set up to me.

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Guest MsGsptlsnz

You do realize if you do this you will literally be at her mercy.

The thought occured to me too. But I needed to make a broad gesture that shows how much I want to make this work.

Besides, I get paid weekly and my coworker owns a motel on the side. I think I can handle being tossed out on my ear.

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Guest Eve Caillard

I'm rooting for you.

You are never alone on this site, so remember we are thinking of you and hoping the outcome will be good.

All the best,


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Guest MsGsptlsnz


Not tossed out on ear.

Somewhat back to normal talking.

Had a good cry togather and talked it out. I think we will be ok.

More to come tommorow I suppose.

Thanks to all for support and advise.

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Guest MsGsptlsnz


I think we made some progress. Last night my wife said she understod how hard it was for me to tell her I crossdress. She said she appreciated that I was honest with her about it. The thing that is hurting her is the 13 years I didn't tell her about it and the fact that she feels that she is now married to a differant person than the one she met 13 years ago.

She isn't weirded out by the act of crossdressing nor does she think it is disgusting or sinful. So that's a good thing.

She's not ready to go shopping with me en-fem and all but she isn't talking to a divorce lawyer either.

She is FINALY willing to see a councilor for all the horrible stuff she has in her own head from having an abusive father which is something I've been trying to get her to do since we met. So that is very positive.

Maybe if she can come to grips with her own issues like I have we can get things going in the right direction again.

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