I'm trapped.

[Guest MaxBlazer25]

Hello. I am 19 years young and was born male. My parents first caught me in women's clothing when I was ten years old. I always felt out of place with my peers. The other boys call me gay and all sorts of other names. My parents don't accept me for who I am and haven't since I was 10.

My father is a retired marine corps drill sergeant, and my mother is a very devout christian church goer who is very "embarrassed of how I turned out". Mom drinks a lot now and it is because of me and my differences. I can't talk to anyone or ever dress or act how I feel.

I don't know what to do anymore and recently have been wanting to just give up. I tried ignoring the feeling and be like a man. I tried growing a beard but I just feel weird. I hate living this way. I want to transition but I don't think I will ever be able to. My family would hate me more than they already despise me, the people at my job would shun me and I fear I may get fired, and I would be out on the street and have nowhere to live. Everything would fall apart. I'm not sure which would be worse; dying on the streets alone and as a girl, or living as a man and hating myself with the conditional support of people who don't want to see what is right in front of them.

I'm not sure who I am, or what you would call my disposition. Ever since I was young I felt as though my life would be better and I would be happier if I had been born a girl.

I need help.

[JJ]

Hi and welcome to the forums

When you do some reading here you will see that many of us have faced the same challenges you are facing and that there are ways through, It is a changing world and more and more people are realizing that this is a physical condition and not a choice we made or a 'Way we turned out".

Here is a link to some studies that may help explain to your family that you are not mentally ill or making a choice but dealing with what is essentially a birth defect

And the site is an Austrian news site -this page and the information has been recognized for it's excellence by the Australian government and added to thier national library

http://aebrain.blogs...sexual-and.html

By the way I don;t agree that your mom is drinking because of you. Drinkling is a decision she made and it is seldom for one single reason. Even it it was it would still be a choice she made in how to handle this and not in any way your fault. This condition is in no way your fault. You deserve a full life and you dererve to be happy. I'm sure that your family actually wants that for you, At this point the problem is that they don't understand this or the necessity of treating it for your happiness and ability to live a full life. The AMA however does. Maybe this page will help too because though the purpose is different it does give credibility to the need.

http://www.tgender.n...resolutions.pdf

The document is actually a little out of date since the standards are changing and the diagnosis of GID is being revised. Even the American Psychiatric Association is removing the word disorder from it's defition, This is no longer seen as a disorder but a condition by the medical community. Many, if not most, Drs and non gender specialist therapists will probably not be aware of that yet but it is an official change and will tend to ripple out

There is hope and there is a way to do what you need to do to have a full happy life.

You'll find lots of information and undersstanfding and support here to help make that possible

Johnny

[Guest MsGsptlsnz]

You are not alone. I started about the same time as you. I only came out to my wife this month.

It's not easy, but it will work out in time. Just be willing to accept what you are and don't feel any guilt over it.

[Guest]

Ditto to what Johnny said. Drinking is a symptom of Mom's internal issues long before your discovery. Denial is so strong it makes us blame everybody and everything but ourselves. I speak from recovery and overcoming that denial. Writing a journal for yourself, about yourself can be helpful. Minimize the bad and focus on the good in you, your progress, your dreams, your desires, your beauty and such. It her drinking becomes intolerable and a hinder to you, try contacting an AlAnon or AlAteen hot line for supporting help. You might like the meetings in your area too, as a safe place to be yourself.

If you journal the fears of your worst case scenario stated and happy things you want for your self, a few years down the road of expression you will treasure that little book. Much success. Jody

[Cyndee]

Just be yourself, not what others expect of you. With all the expectations heaped upon someone, what sounds simple really isn't. Be true to yourself.

If you think life is better as a girl, then take steps to move that direction, it's not easy, but you are old enough to take steps on your own, you are also at an age where you could make a huge difference in the outcome of a transition. This may take a long time to sort through, you may decide to do nothing more, these perceptions can and do change over time, and that's fine too, be flexible. Do your research, by participating here, you have already taken steps to futher understanding.

Don't blame yourself for other's issues, do try and seperate this.

Hugs

Cindy -

[Guest MaxBlazer25]

thank you so much! I really appreciate the comments and recommended reading material. I can't tell you how amazing it feels to talk to someone about who I am!

[Guest]

My girl friends always slap me a high five, show me a thumbs up, or give a smiling hug and say "yea baby!" when I use my favorite defense phrase; "It takes testicles to be a girl!" that's true on a lot of levels. Respect your sisters from all walks of life and genetics. Learn from them too. You can dazzle anybody...Giggle. Jody

[Carolyn Marie]

Hon, no one here can tell you if you are transgender or transsexual. That is something you will discover for yourself, with the guidance of a gender therapist at some point. The important thing is that you are only 19, with your whole life ahead of you, and it is far, far too soon to even think about giving up.

Sometimes you have to wait until some of the obstacles in your path are cleared away. If those obstacles include your parents at present, there will come a point when you are no longer under their control. You are already at an age when you can make decisions for yourself, but I understand that if you are in their household, and with little funds of your own, your options may be limited. But that will not always be the case. Eventually you will be able to choose to see a therapist, you will be able to begin transition, you will be able to live your life as you want to live it.

You are more than someone's child, hon. You are a person in your own right, and need to be who you want to be. Yes, your parents are important, and having their support and acceptance are important, but in the end, it is your life and your happiness that matters. If they try to stand in the way of that, then you can choose not to let them.

There is a poem I quote around here often, called "Invictus." The key lines are these:

I am the master of my fate

I am the captain of my soul

I believe that with all my heart. I hope you will, too.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Calicea]

Hello dear Max! First off let me welcome you here. It's a great place to be. I love all our sisters and brothers who come here. It's truly amazing and I don't think you'll be disappointed.

Now like what others said I can't diagnose you =) but my first tid bit will be some advice. Believe it or not for me the only people who had a problem with it that I've told have been my own "parents" I was raised by my great-grandparents. It surprised me at first that the ones who claimed to know me best actually knew me the least and is still to this day my greatest sorrow. It's nearly a year on Hormone Replacement Therapy with my Real Life Test coming up in two weeks. Now I don't mean to scare you I'd love to see you find yourself in a sort of love/hate thing. I usually look at it as how fantastic another sister or brother, but how sad you must bear this burden. I truly believe we are a very strong people because we experience things that no others than us can relate to. I don't try to saw all pains are the same, but major burdens in life such as death and loss or say poverty strike so many people not to mention us, but we tackle those burdens along with the one only we can carry. It takes us when were fragile and vulnerable and so unsure of us and turns us into the most competent men and women out there. I remember being where you were myself and few things will ease the pain and nothing will take it away like a poem I wrote I feel like sharing with you =)

The clouds are still white

The sky is still blue

Ground once covered in dew

Now scared by fire's bite.

Perhaps silly, but it helps me get my point across. These things will hurt and I wish I could say it wouldn't, but sadly life has it's bad days. Like the trees that burnt down and fertilized the next generation to grow even stronger so two will you for each "hurdle" in life you get passed. Don't think I'm good at this though because I have given up I gave up twice. Both times landed me in the hospital and gave me nothing, but guilt and big bills so I wouldn't recommend that path.

There is good news though because I feel that we're the luckiest generation yet because we get a lot more acceptance than those that came before us and I truly believe the "Golden Age" for us is coming ever closer where we won't have to be ashamed or scared anymore. So what's my point? I think that people at your work will probably be more accepting. Do I have an idea? Maybe...now if/when someone shows up with a better idea feel free to listen to them. There are definitely people far better at this. People Carolyn and Johnny for example. (No offense to everyone else, but they're pretty awesome you have to agree.) For me what I did oh so sneakily is I started bringing the whole transgender/transsexual thing to the front of everyone's mind. For example with my 2 best friends it became a sort of joke about me being trans so I could gauge their reaction. (Please don't get offended I was alone and desperate it is definitely not a joke) It worked as it gave me confidence and I was also very surprised when almost no one had a problem with it. So perhaps try seeing something in the news and bring it up when talking. I think that'd be a pretty good way of getting a feel for people.

Lastly, if you aren't a sister know that I still like you and I'm so sure you're a wonderful and beautiful person =) so most importantly follow you're heart because as the heart pushes the liquid of life through our body it also pushes our body on the path we truly desire.

Luvs,

Cali