Well, that was a short reprieve...

[Guest MsPerseveres]

Just over a week ago, I thought that I had come to a compromise with my wife, that would allow us to continue living together, even after my potential transition, but that all came crashing down a couple of hours ago. She said that she can't stand pretending that nothing's wrong, and wants to separate as soon as possible (I think that she wants to already have been separated for months, if that were possible). She's been continuing to think about it since I thought we reached our compromise/arrangement, and so I'm still in the denial and anger phases at this point, while she's mentally moved on, and out, already. It remains a situation of her inability to separate the container from the contents, and her intense fear/embarrassment about what others will think of her, when they know that she's in a same-sex relationship. Odd, how people can be all accepting and open minded, until it hits close to home.

Just venting right now, nothing really to be done. She has exactly NO desire to understand why she feels the way that she does, and zero interest in saving our marriage or relationship in any form. I'm thinking that the best approach from my perspective is to just view her as fundamentally flawed, and accept that, no matter how painful it is right now, I'm better off in the long run to be shut of her as quickly as I can, and to start building a new life with people who are less about surface appearances, and more about what lies beneath. Of course, this is probably just the anger talking, but I'm desperately seeking a way to ease/end the pain - and since the only way to end the pain is a very permanent solution, which I'm too darned rational to take, to what is probably a temporary problem, I'm stuck with channeling my anger into positive feelings.

Happy Friday!

Brenda

[Carolyn Marie]

Brenda, I'm so sorry to hear of this latest twist. It is a shame that she won't even give it a try for while, to see if her fears are realized. I think you have a good attitude about it, and hope that you will rid yourself of the anger soon.

Perhaps a separation will allow both of you to think more clearly. In any case, if the parting of the ways is permanent, I hope that you can at least remain good friends. I hate to see bad endings.

(((HUGGSS)))

Carolyn Marie

[Guest]

Brenda, so sorry to hear that. I also have those same stilettos in my close. They pinch and are difficult to walk confidently in, if you get my analogy? I hope someday some you report back true love, be it her, or one coming. Don't look for the fixes, temporary or permanent, look for your cure. You will blossom irrespective of a relationship. Jody

[Charlize]

I'm sorry and don't know what else to say. I can feel the empty pit in your tummy. It will resolve with time and you will grow and thrive dear one.

Hugs and a shoulder,

Charlie

[Guest Mia J]

I am sorry to hear about this Brenda. You know in your heart that you have everything you can to try to make it work. I would not look at her as fundamentally flawed but as someone who is just unable and unwilling to go on. A separation may be good for both of you.

Hugs

Mia

[JJ]

It sounds like you have a healthy attitude about it and are prepared to move on yourself. The future may hold a fuller more accepting relationship that this frees you to find.

But I am sorry that it has happened this way for you now

Johnny

[Michelle 2010]

Whether this is the death of a relationship or a hiatus, you sound grounded. Transition is about more than our bodies and minds as you well know. Transition changes everything and that means some things are left behind and other things appear as we more forward. Already new friendships are blossoming in the church that I started attending three weeks ago as an openly trans spiritual seeker. If we do positive things I believe we find other positive people and positive things will result. I truly believe things will work for you if you continue with the approach you are displaying here and now.

Best wishes

Michelle

[Guest angels wings]

Brenda I'm sorry to wake up this morning and read of your pain (((Hugs))) sometimes people can't move on . They can't take the next step as there pain is blinding them . Hopefully one day she will see this is a condition just like any other and That this is not your fault you have no choice she has the choice . When she realizes some of these things she may be able to move forward . It's not your fault and it's not her fault everyone travels at differnt speeds . Is she seeing a therapist ? I remember you saying your girls accepted you with so much love and warmth . How are they going? Is she concerned about the girls or is she stuck in her feelings and can't move forward ? From my heart I wish you and your family all the best .

Angel (((( hugs))))) filled with strength

[Guest Chrissy6455]

Sorry for your loss,

I think "Fundamentally flawed" is a little much, however I can understand your anger. The major thing however is that your significant other is also going through alot. She is in morning right now over the loss of her husband, and probably angry over it as well. I know its hard and it hurts that you are loosing your significant other, however it is one of the risks we take with transitioning. Remember she married someone and now that person isn't wih she thought she married, I can partially understand the feeling she probably have due to my significant other and her issues with my transition. All I can say is give it some time, she may get over anger and you could could end up being best friends, that is the goal with my SO. Right now, there is really nothing you can do to ease the pain, but remember she is pain also,

I wish you the best, and hope things get better

{{Hugs}}

Christina

[Guest LizMarie]

Brenda, "fundamentally flawed" is not a good way to look at it. It's taken me time to reach this point with help from my therapist but what I had to realize is that her feelings are as valid as mine, just different. There's no "good guy" or "bad guy" in these situations, just two people who have very different goals and expectations about life. Once you realize that, you can move on peaceably without holding it against her.

I was talking to another TG woman here locally a few weeks ago. She showed me a picture of herself before transition with her then-spouse along side her. She commented that her spouse wanted out and wanted nothing to do with her. Now, over 15 years later, she and her ex-spouse are good friends. Something to think about. That might not happen in your case but at least understand that her needs, goals, and internal expectations are different from yours. Not wrong, just different, which is why you're both probably better off apart.

[Guest MsPerseveres]

Thank you all for your supportive comments. I think that my new posts settings are messed up, because I totally lost this topic until tonight!

I apologize for the anger of the OP - I had been grieving, and going back and forth through denial and anger and bargaining for a month, and her demand threw me firmly back into anger. I'm not sure that I'm totally into acceptance, but most times I can see the way forward - and I regret the "fundamentally flawed", as I am starting to see things more and more from her perspective as well, through coming out to my best friend. We're still in a good place from an interpersonal relationship - I think that in some ways I've moved on more than she has, probably because I have the positive of becoming me via transition, while she is left with nothing. We have stayed in the same room and bed, and still touch and hug. We're going through a mediated separation, and had a great first session last week Thursday, so good that the mediator said that we were "cute", and offered to do a weekend session for us if there wasn't a workable weekday slot as early as possible, because she wants us to be well done by (and she almost never does weekends!). She's still not seeing a therapist - I really wish that she would, for her own sake, but I don't know that it'll happen yet.

The girls are still accepting, but given some of the things that they're going through personally, and their personalities, it can be tough to see at times. The separation/divorce was a hard shock for them, and has impacted them much more than my coming out - but my wife and I are committed to parenting them together, just not in the same house, and that should help.

You're all such darlings (yes, even you Johnny, you darling man! and stop blushing :-P )! The support in this Playground is wonderful...

LOVE, and hugs, Tami