Never thought I'd meet it again...

[Guest Abiron]

I first wanna say...

Screw swimming classes! If it weren't for it everyday to be 2 hours I would of had a chance to starve myself! Before I discuss a bit further, if you all are willing to look at a previous post I posted back in July that relates, I would appreciate it:

http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=47096

...10 months have passed since Anorexia. Two days ago, I finally had to weigh-in in school. Of course I had clothes on, and I weighed myself naked as anorexic. The scale popped out at 132lbs. My heart sunk, and from there I had those strong urges to go back there again or lose weight. Before Anorexia I was 138 lbs without clothes. So I'm about 10 pounds less than before Anorexia, though I've built muscle than before, but it still kills me. I don't want to be that "fat" looking person I was before Anorexia. It's haunting me again man. I hate this I suffer from more that was just as worse as having an Eating Disorder and it hurts...

Why bother posting this forum if I'm going to aim to look like a skinnier man regardless...?

[Sally]

If you check out a weight chart you are still a little on the light side for a girl and very thin for a male - the problem with Anorexia is that it does not care what you actually weigh - there is no way to be thin enough.

Anorexia is your mind attacking your self image and leading you to do damage to your body by starving yourself - malnutrition has long lasting repercussions on your body.

You need help to learn how to see yourself as you are not as your mind warps your own image.

You must fight that image - look at other people do they look right to you or is everyone fat to your eye - usually they look fine and only you look fat - you need to adjust that image.

Obviously the Anorexia is still with you - you must not let it control your eating - you are not fat!

But you hat to see that before you can ever be healthy.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest vagrant_hippo]

"Eating disorders are not about the food." -- every residential or PHP i've been in. it's not about the weight either. secondarily, yeah, but it's about everything underneath that's in pain or being ignored or not being voiced, and the ed is the only way to express it outwardly. I know for sure my restricting started when I realized I was supposed to be a girl (like 8ish), and I had a really good treatment friend who tried to starve herself and work out all the time to have a more male body, even though she was non-TG lesbian, it was still wanting to be perceived as you see yourself.

unfortunately, i'm still on-and-off on my disorder, but my binge/purge cycle has been in check for two months--so i totally feel you on the "if i'm just going to be a skinnier man" part, i felt/feel the same way doing MTF (especially getting rid of all this damn muscle, argggg!!! work estrogen!). a few good points some treatment friends told me were things such as, your body needs the nutrients and balanced intake to metabolize hormones properly. And I know personally that when it comes down to it, whether I'm a bit over what I want my weight to be or not, I'm going to be much happier post-transition than I'm gonna be anorexic and still in this body.

nice advice, but i know it's basically impossible to hear when you don't want to, and it took me foreeeeeeever to even get over the phrase "getting better/healthy" (blech).

Ou bonne chance! Wherever you are in your struggles, everything takes tiiiiiiiiiiiime.

Worst deal ever made, but oh well. PM me if you ever wanna chat! I try not to be too enabling haha.

Beaucoup d'amour, mes amis!!

& Caroline