start HRT without telling the wife?

[Guest Vex]

My wife wasn't very receptive to me telling her about feeling transgendered. I was told "having boobs won't make me happy" and "you'll screw up our kids like those crossdressers on Dr. Phil". The subject hasn't been discussed since. I have felt a hollowness since. Everytime a pretty girl walks by I feel enraged inside that I don't have the chance to be beautiful, to become what I have realized I need to be in order to be happy. I find myself asking why they get the option to be something I can't. Yes, it could cause issues with the children, but I think putting up with a depressed and frustrated parent their entire lives would be just as bad if not worse.

My therapist said that talking about being a girl is the only time I smile and that I seem excited at the idea of starting down the path. She's right. I feel like taking the neccessary steps would fix a lot of what has been wrong with me my whole life, but the wife isn't so understanding. She won't even ask questions or do research. She'd rather just make negative uninformed comments than try to listen and learn.

So I was thinking...what if I could start HRT without telling her? I can't because the closest TG friendly endo is 4 hours away in Denver (I'm in Nebraska). But what if I did? What if she became aware of the situation 6 months or a year in and actually saw that my transition wasn't the circus freakshow she thinks it would be. What if she liked the changes brought on by the lack of testoerone and by me finally being happy. Would that be wrong of me to do? What would you do if you were in my situation. I don't want to leave her or get a divorce. She's a cool chick, I love her, and we have 2 kids, but I can't keep living in a body that I know is not mine.

[VickySGV]

Do a sneak attack, and the potential good will NEVER be seen!! Even if you become the happiest girl in the world, she is going to be seeing mud, deep and slippery and slimey. A little bit of confrontation and stubborness will be far more tolerable than sneakiness. There will be things about you she will not feel amusing, long before the good parts come out or have a chance to if you start taking hormones. Good for you for asking before you tried it. We have horror stories in the basement files here where people tried it that way and lost when they did not have to.

[Drea]

Well what does your therapist think of this idea of starting hormones and not telling wife? I would expect such a thing would be high priority to discuss with therapist, but I known more than a few who tend to avoid talking the important stuff with their therapist.

I think it is a bad idea. Seems to me it is courting more dissaster and this idea of "oh she might realize it isn't so bad and you are happy" is just a bit of justifying your desire. If you are like many, she probably is having some issues of trust feeling she was deceived and such an action is most likely to inflame that.

The one person who I knew did this what you ask ended up, predictably, as a dissaster.

[Carolyn Marie]

I agree with the replies above. I started therapy before telling my wife, and she accepted my explanation and no harm was done. But there was no way I would have started hormones before telling her. No way.

Carolyn Marie

[Kyla666]

Boobs have made me Very happy . Just today my boobs where popping out with some cleavage "without a bra on"... Made me smiles so BIG

[Guest lucinda]

I agree with the replies above. I started therapy before telling my wife, and she accepted my explanation and no harm was done. But there was no way I would have started hormones before telling her. No way.

Carolyn Marie

That is exactly the same situation as me.

Don't start hormones without discussing it.

[Guest]

I used to hang on every word of that show, over time the reality set in that I was of the opinion that it should be called Dr Phil Springer Phd-jerry. That was the day I saw the look on his wife's face at the end of the show. It sent a message to me not to let the boob tube do my thinking for me. Excuse me for being my sweet self again.

I was in a relationship with a lady that rather swept me off my feet. From the start I didn't want to deceive her in any way about the two me's inside of me. I explained in crayola as not to shock or overwhelm her and I made sure all my explanations were complete before any sleep-overs. She was very nurturing to my female side, or maybe she was just pressing my girl buttons. I did not feel that she had to be a part of my decision to start HRT. When I went through all the steps and when the first estrogen was working inside of me, I confided in her. That did not go well at all.

She was angry and exclaimed I had betrayed her. I felt betrayed because I had told her everything about me from the start. I told her that I was doing this for my brain and my sense of well being and that any minor changes in my secondary sexual characteristics were acceptable to me. (I had that a little bit wrong about the minor part) I assured her that I had no sex change operation in my future. I tried to show her some of my documentation that led me to my choices. Then it got heated. She said now I know why you asked me so long ago, if I had ever been with a female, no I have not slept with a female! If you want to be a woman, I don't want to sleep with a woman! I blurted out, you have been sleeping with a female for the last seven months! That didn't smooth anything.

The relationship ended two weeks later. This was a romance not a marriage. I think if you follow my path the results will be like putting it through an amplifier, all the controls set on ten. Jody

[Guest angels wings]

As an S/O I think you would be Damaging your relationship badly if you start doing things like that behind her back . Trust does become an issue . You have been married for six years she thought she knew you well. When our partners tell us they need to change it is a shock . Many wives go into denial they want to keep what they know . The fear of the unknown is huge . Your wife not wanting to discuss things does make it harder . You need to gently bring up the subject again . Communication is very important . Compromising together is a priority to try and make your marriage survive . How long ago did you tell her ? It takes time to understand . I did not have an understanding untill my partner introduced me to Laura's . Here I learnt alot through others posts of what my partner was going through. I was also given and still get when I need it alot of support . I was given hope when my days were so dark. Be patient keep talking keep reassuring her .

Angel

[Guest carolynn2fem]

Vex dear I must tell You I feel that I married Your wife sister. You are not alone in that struggle My wife will not talk either. I cant say anything about it with out breaching her comfort zone. I had recently started theiropy and didnt realize the only time i had a guine smile was when talking about being dressed. I trust the group in them saying it is a bad idea. I too would love to have a pair of boob's and would settle for a pair of A's. happiness has to come from within us every step of the way, enjoy the journey not the destination,

[Guest MsGsptlsnz]

Secrets are the worst thing in a marriage. My wife was maddest about the 13 years I didn't tell her about my urges to cross dress. She was even madder that I had bought clothes without telling her. Secrets bad. Openness good. Give it time and a lot of talking. Maybe she will never accept the idea and then you need to make a hard choice. Which makes you happier, your wifes boobs or having your own boobs.

Good luck.

[Guest Chrissy6455]

I think hiding stuff in any relationship will do nothing more than more damage to your relationship. I personally wouldn't do it without first discussing it with your wife to be honest, if she discovers it afterwards then it could be a very bad situation especially if your wife isn't very receptive about it.