Teens-How much did your relationship with your parents change?

[Guest Roxxanne]

Well, since I'm probably coming out in just under a week, I think it'd be useful to know what to expect my Mum and/or Dad to do. So if you don't mind, could you answer these questions? I don't think either of them hate transgender people, and they're not religious, so I'm not anticipating great anger or anything, it's more likely they'll think I'm just trying to be weird, as I don't think they know that it's not a choice. Anyway,...

1. Positive, neutral or crap reaction?

2. Did they speak to you, or did they not want to talk for a while?

3. Was it awkward for a while?

4. And what should I do about names and pronouns? I hate being called my male name and the like, but if I tell them that I'm a girl, will responding to male names make them take me less seriously? I don't want to force Roxxy into their lives, but if I tell them it doesn't seem right to continue as -male name- when they know I'm a girl.

5. How did you tell them? Letter, face to face, something else?

6. Anything else you want to add?

Thanks for any help! ^-^

Roxxy

[Guest winterangel]

My father passed away two years before I came out because of cancer, so I didn't ever get a chance to come out to him. It saddens me that he died knowing me only as his son and never knew his daughter.

As for my mother, well. . . .

1. Crap to the max.

2. She screamed at me at the greatest volume her larynx could produce.

3. Not really, since among that screaming was, "Get out of my house!"

4. It's a gradual process. Since you're just starting out, give them a chance and don't annoy them by not responding to male names.

5. Face-to-face.

6. Be prepared: follow a plan. I was preparing for it, but I kind of got cajoled into coming out spontaneously; that was a great error. Things were so unstable in my first few weeks following that, largely as a consequence of having came out impulsively.

[Guest winterangel]

*having come out . . .

[Guest vagrant_hippo]

Major luck girl! That is a massive step. I came out to my parents a bit under a year ago while I was getting shipped around different treatment places, so I didn't live with the coming out immediately and it was over the phone, but also realize my parents are MAJORLY conservative/religious and beyond, so things'll be different for you, given the different circumstances thankfully. (also, sorry that this is so long....)

1. Positive, neutral or crap reaction?

Indescribable. My mom dropped the phone and screamed like I had died and my whole family broke down that night and following days. They said I was ruining our family, that it was a phase, that I was just trying to escape my problems in the most extreme way possible (um, suicide? apparently not as bad), and that it was wrong, like there was something considered "right"...Basically they were broken up and tried to reason their way around my identity or deny it for quite a while. Granted, everyone else I came out to were accepting or at least tried to honestly understand.

2. Did they speak to you, or did they not want to talk for a while?

They did, but I sense a lot of it was trying to convince me otherwise or attempting to cling to the child they "knew" before I came out. Remember, these are all immediate responses unless I say differently.

3. Was it awkward for a while?

Surprisingly, not as much as you would think, but as I said, I wasn't living back in their house until almost four months later. We still spoke in therapist-moderated phone calls though, and it wasn't as if my coming out was the ONLY thing on their mind, if you get what I mean. Awkwardness arises most when you actively express who you are (aka, clothing, make-up, etc).

4. And what should I do about names and pronouns? I hate being called my male name and the like, but if I tell them that I'm a girl, will responding to male names make them take me less seriously? I don't want to force Roxxy into their lives, but if I tell them it doesn't seem right to continue as -male name- when they know I'm a girl.

I feel for you here. I despise my bio name and pronouns, especially since in my mind my name has always been Caroline; so it was something that came up fairly soon after coming out. Just try and gauge the situation based on their reaction to your being a girl; I brought it up as a "I don't expect anything perfect or immediate, but if you could try..." and the three of us approached it like a negotiation, basically. As a fall back, I also gave them a gender neutral nickname I'd be ok with, if you want to consider that. Granted, none of it's worked out on my part, but I'm fairly isolated most of my day, so I guess it's a comp. And no! Answering to your birth name won't make them take you less seriously, it's the name people have used for you your whole life, and you're going to respond to it sometimes if you know they're speaking to you. But since you're iffy about that, be sure to firmly mention that even if you respond to the name or etc, it does not take away from you being a girl. And yes, I tried forcing, so good you already thought better of it--almost always makes things worse.

5. How did you tell them? Letter, face to face, something else?

Like I said, over the phone...I should mention also, though, my mom and I had been arguing steadily during the conversation, and I came out in a single, angry sentence and hung up. So my coming out was a spiteful one, which obviously is never the way you should do it, especially with the people who raised you and could potentially be your biggest supports.

6. Anything else you want to add?

It's super scary! But that's ok! Everyone's coming out is so personal and individualized, it's impossible to truly detail how things'll turn out, but your head is going to be filled with so many thoughts and fears and hopes and every possibility ever it might seem like you can't even think. But once it's out, once things have settled--there's so much relief inherent to not having to keep the secret anymore, no matter what the reaction, that I honestly don't think you will regret doing it exactly when you do. And there's no wrong way to do it. Just know, the whole time, you're finally allowing Roxxy to have a chance at a happy life being herself, and no one else. That feeling can't be taken away by anything.

It'll change your life, and I'm sure you know that 110%, just hang on and stay true to who you are.

It's worth it!!!!

Truly, and I could not have told you that even a few months ago. But it is.

Lots of luck, lots of love, and lots of (>^-^)>

♥

[Guest Roxxanne]

Thanks for replying, Autumn and Caroline! (>^-^)>

Sorry to hear about your dad, Autumn.

And sorry that both of you weren't accepted when you came out, but at least things are better for you now! And thanks for your advice!

I saw my mum today, and I was *that* close to telling her, but I chickened out... T-T

But I'm still going to the fair, so I have a chance to tell my dad and give him time to mull it over. Goddammit Roxxy, don't chicken out this time!

[Guest chibi_usa]

Well, since I'm probably coming out in just under a week, I think it'd be useful to know what to expect my Mum and/or Dad to do. So if you don't mind, could you answer these questions? I don't think either of them hate transgender people, and they're not religious, so I'm not anticipating great anger or anything, it's more likely they'll think I'm just trying to be weird, as I don't think they know that it's not a choice. Anyway,...

1. Positive, neutral or crap reaction?

(REALLY crap)

2. Did they speak to you, or did they not want to talk for a while?

(My mom went through a post straumatic stress disorder which caused her to be crazy and not know anyone for a day. It was a traumatic experience for me too. For the first time I saw my dad cry the first time.

3. Was it awkward for a while?

Yup. It's still awkward, especially when there's trans that's up in movies (When they're making fun of them) My dad used to laugh but now... It just makes it awkward...

4. And what should I do about names and pronouns? I hate being called my male name and the like, but if I tell them that I'm a girl, will responding to male names make them take me less seriously? I don't want to force Roxxy into their lives, but if I tell them it doesn't seem right to continue as -male name- when they know I'm a girl.

Wouldn't know this sorry. I have a split personality when I'm home now. I don't want to see my mom face the trauma nor my dad crying ever again

5. How did you tell them? Letter, face to face, something else?

Found my estrogen pills

6. Anything else you want to add?

Before you even try, I think it might be best to use other trans as an example. For example, your dad. Put a picture of a hot girl, such as Kim Petras (She's MtF) and she's pretty, and ask him if he'd bang her or something like that. Then tell him she's a MtF. Then just make stuff up on the way. For moms just say... I dunno... Mom I have a crush on this girl that turned out to be a guy... What should I do? And see how she reacts to that.

Reactions were always the best. I knew my parents wouldn't because they're homophobic. And MtF's count too.

Good Luck!

[Guest winterangel]

Before you even try, I think it might be best to use other trans as an example. For example, your dad. Put a picture of a hot girl, such as Kim Petras (She's MtF) and she's pretty, and ask him if he'd bang her or something like that. Then tell him she's a MtF. Then just make stuff up on the way. For moms just say... I dunno... Mom I have a crush on this girl that turned out to be a guy... What should I do? And see how she reacts to that.

What?

[Guest chibi_usa]

Before you even try, I think it might be best to use other trans as an example. For example, your dad. Put a picture of a hot girl, such as Kim Petras (She's MtF) and she's pretty, and ask him if he'd bang her or something like that. Then tell him she's a MtF. Then just make stuff up on the way. For moms just say... I dunno... Mom I have a crush on this girl that turned out to be a guy... What should I do? And see how she reacts to that.

What?

In simple words. Show your dad a pic of a MtF that looks totally legit and ask him if he'd wanna be with her or whatever. (Those usual guy talk thingies). This is simply just a test to see if he'd accept MtF's. For example: I get a pic of a girl that's hot that's MtF

Me: Dad, do you think she's hot?

Dad: Yes (or no, figure it out)

Me: Would you want to be with her when you were younger?

Dad:Yes

Me: Dad she's a dude.

Dad: EWWWWW

Me: Would you still wanna be with her if she was your ideal and perfect girl?

Dad: (Insert Answer here)

You: Why

Dad: (Answer will be what he thinks of trans)

To Moms:

Me: Mom.... I think I might have a problem.

Mom: What's wrong?

Me: I think I fell in love with a MtF (Obviously you don't say MtF)

Mom: WHAT?

Me: But I still love her... She's the ideal girl for me... I think I should still date her because I really really love her...

Mom: (Insert Answer here)

Everything else... Well... You know... Just BS. I think that's a pretty good way with parents. It works similarly on friends. So why not parents?

[Guest MsPerseveres]

I haven't come out to my parents and sisters yet (that's next weekend) but I don't think anything other than honesty would work for me. YMMV, but if I had lied to or BS'ed my wife, daughters or best friends, then I'd be in a world of hurt now. I've lost my wife, but I won't lose the others, and I know that because they know the truth.

Love and hugs, Tami

[Guest Roxxanne]

Thanks Chibi and Tami! (>^-^)>

Sorry to hear that your parents didn't accept you, Chibi, but at least you're on the path to becoming who you're meant to be. ^-^

And I have to agree with Autumn, that was a bit of a 'What?' moment for me too, because me and my dad don't have 'guy talk'... And I don't talk about relationshippy things with my mum... They're good ideas, but I couldn't use them in my situation...

Sorry to hear that you lost your wife, Tami, but at least you have your daughters and friends. ^-^

Good luck for the weekend!

[Guest vagrant_hippo]

Just popping back in for a sec--it does make a big difference coming out to your parents vs. coming out to friends or more trusted family members.

I would like to say that all of my friends went from "ummmm...." to "oh, so should i start calling you caroline and using 'she'?" (at which point I realized why those people were my bff's). And I have a godmother/Aunt (read: second-mom) who found out through my mom (sisters) and is possibly THE biggest support and provider of love I have. She kept me off the streets and pushed me when I needed it, so I guess really--parents are the absolute hardest (for obvious, and unchangeable reasons), but you will always have other people there who more than overwhelm any negativity you might encounter. (I should prolly take my own advice to heart more haha....sequestered in my parents' home 24/7...)

[Guest Roxxanne]

Thanks for the advice, Caroline! The thing is, my 'friends' are the type of people that call everything gay and when I cross my legs they act like I've tried to behead their pet gerbil, or something equally evil. And although I know two people in my family that would almost definitely accept me, they're over a hundred miles away, and they're the family I see least.

[Guest vagrant_hippo]

sorry about that.

don't be afraid to make new friends as roxxy now, that way people like the real you right off.

because making friends is just so easy.

(sigh)