Your moment

[Guest jaymie]

I'm curious to know, what was your moment when you realized you could no longer hide who you were? When did you know you had to come out as transgender? For as long as I can remember I have felt different. I have always felt out of place in my body. These thoughts make up my earliest memories. Despite this I keep plodding along as a male. It causes me distress but I have told myself repeatedly that it is just the way things are. Some days are ok,many are unbearable. Despite this I can't progress past my fear of coming out, or doing anything about it. I hate conflict and upsetting anyone. The thought of rejection and ridicule overrides any determination I have, though I am certain it is preventing me from living my life. I can't even seem to gather the courage to see a therapist. I have a wonderful family. I have fiancé and step daughter that mean the world to me. I can't let them down (though they are open minded I fear repercussion if I told them). The lgbt center in our city has a transgender meet up once a month that I would love to attend. However, it runs on a night I can not make (and I would be terrified to go regardless). I guess what I want to know is a few of your experiences. Am I doomed to live my life like this? By most accounts my life is wonderful. Maybe i just don't want to "rock the boat". I don't want to lose the life I live, except in this one MAJOR area. What was the point that had some of you say enough is enough? I guess I want to know that things will be alright. Sorry these are issues I need to discuss (with a therapist) but hopefully I can work through some issues here before I do. I often feel like I'm crazy or completely alone in this though I know I'm not. Ok I think i'm starting to have "pity party" so I'll stop. But I'd love to get some feedback. Thanks to you all, I often feel better reading your posts and responses

*hugs*

jaymie

[Guest Addi]

Hi Jaymie,

I can't explain it. For me, one day it just became too much to bear. Out of desperation, I was able to make a call to a therapist a few days later. My therapist helped me work through what I was feeling and then provided ongoing support and advice when I started to come out. It was not an easy time for me but something that I knew I had to do to survive. That's almost 2 years ago and although I have experienced some loss, my life is better today because I accept myself.

Take your time, find a good GT, and move at your own pace to figure out what is right for you. We are all different.

Hugs,

Addi

[Guest MsGsptlsnz]

In February I had to make a trip to Florida and Lousiana for job interveiws. I was looking to make a change in location and employer as I felt stifled here in small town USA surrounded by rednecks who I just don't get along with all that well. I was at the time in denial about my nature. I was still telling myself that the feelings and desires were a sickness and I had to fight them.

Well I drove down there alone and was gone for a week, the longest my wife and I have been apart in 12 years of marriage. The radio in my truck was broken and Pandora only worked sporadicly so I had a lot of time to think. When I'd get tired I found myself daydreaming of girly things, sexy lingere, hot outfits and high heels. The thoughts excited me and I was too tired to fight them. After a few days of this happening I started to think hard about where this was coming from, I looked over my childhood and early teen years, I thought about the relationships I had been in and the way they had gone. I spent a lot of time thinking about the times I had cross dressed in the past and some of the purges I went through. I found myself thinking about stopping at a store and spending money on an outfit to wear at the hotels I was staying in and after a while the thoughs just stopped feeling dirty.

I came to the conclusion that it was a part of me, like my other issues such as the need for approval from male figures to replace the lack of that approval from my father. I had come to grips with a lot of my issues already and realized that you can't make them go away, you can only try to limit how much damage they can do by being aware of them. So I got to thinking about what damage had been done by supressing other issues and finding out they were still doing damage and thought about what supporessing my fem side was doing. I realized I lost my connection with humanity when I went into serious suppression mode and that's why I had lost intrest in my wife and was being a childish bully to my son.

So I gave in. After I got back I took advantage of private time to cross dress again, this time without guilt. After a short time I became intersted in my wife, was gentler with my son, easier going at work and overall a better person. So then I decided to come out to my wife. But that story is all over the place and not neccessary to repeat here.

Hope it helps.

[Guest MsPerseveres]

I finally came out to myself in February of this year. I had felt the dysphoria for years, but I kept thinking that I was just some kind of pervert or delusional idiot, so I'd occasionally dress, feel no arousal from doing that, get disappointed that I couldn't even cross dress correctly, then fade back into denial again, with the dysphoria abated from the dressing...

Coming out was triggered by two things - listening to my daughter's Lady Gaga album (Born This Way played over and over and over again...), and seeing the Iggy Pop poster from SlutWalk France (where he says "I'm not ashamed to dress like a woman, because there's nothing shameful about being a woman."). That was enough to convince me that I was at least a crossdresser - when my wife rejected me and dressing at the beginning of April, I spent many long runs thinking, and realized that it wasn't the dressing that had me - it was the thought of being a woman that I needed to deal with. It took me 3 months to realize that I couldn't just ignore my GD, and another month to get a GT appointment. Being formally diagnosed as transsexual was a relief, as I realized that I wasn't delusional nor a pervert. Final coming out to my wife on July 27 this year...

Love and hugs, Tami

[Guest otter-girl]

Hello Jaymie,

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/feb/01/top-five-regrets-of-the-dying

Hugs

Rachel.

[Guest Lizzie McTrucker]

I came out in 2000. I just couldn't take it any more. I couldn't concentrate on anything else and every attempt to try to be more masculine eventually failed and being a girl was the only thing I could think about, so I had to leave my fiancee (she already told me if I wanted to be a girl she would leave me so there were no other options for that) and I had to come out to my parents when they wanted to know the real reason why I left. (she and I had an apartment together)

[gennee]

Hi Jaymie. I came out in 2005 and I've never been happier. At first my wife was shocked when I told her. It has taken some time but now she accepts me as Gennee. Last night we went to dinner together. I started out as a cross dresser. Soon I found that my experiences ran deeper than clothing. I attended support group meetings which helped me to understand who I was. Seeing the many expressions of gender was an eye opener.

Jaymie, when I told my wife and son it was a huge risk. I wanted to tell them. I was truthful with them. I haven't told my brother, sister, and nephew because I don't feel the need to at this time. If it does come then I will certainly tell them.

[KathrynJulia]

When I was 5-6 years old, I became defiant and angry that I couldn't live life as a girl. In 1960, that was deviant and really bad behavior for a little boy so off to the child psychologist I went. In those days, they tried to shame you into living within a certain behavior for your perceived gender. You learn pretty quick to go along and pray every night to wake up either as a true boy or a true girl. It doesn't work that way and you become pretty disalusioned. Just lots of pain, depression, and finally withdrawal into yourself. Then puberty hits and you are desperate to stop it because it's all wrong. You do something desparet and stupid not knowing better. More psychotherapy so that you can lie even better to yourself and project what society demands you project.

So you swallow hard, you cope as well as you can, depressed and unhappy all the time. Life has no meaning, so you go along to get along. You suffer through the military, seek psychiatric help before you kill yourself. Learn that what is wrong with you is a temporary problem that will be fixable in your life time and to just hang on until the time becomes right.

Next thing you know, your married with kids, trapped in an unhappy marriage. You love your children and are Mr Mom to them caring and nurturing them because career becomes more important to your wife than raising her own kids. I didn't care. I loved reading to them, giving them baths, cooking, cleaning, buying them clothes, going to parties, shopping for prom dresses.

Now they are grown, I've let down my barriers and the dysphoria breaks through the noise of life. I have a lot of regret at lost time, but I also have a lot of great and happy memories of my children. The best of both worlds would have meant that I could have given birth to my own children and been a mom instead of a Mr Mom, but I've done alright.

I'm transitioning now and I'm going to live the rest of my life true to myself. Better late than never. And the sacrifices that I made for my kids, well, I'm spending their inheritance on my transitioning expenses. We'll leave that a little suprise for them. All of us just have to do the best we can in life. Nobody lives a perfect life especially those of us born transgendered. But we don't have to let it be all bad. Live your life well.

Kathryn

[Sally]

I will shorten the long story of over 50 years in denial and trying to make myself into the person that everyone thought and expected me to be so fast forward to the Spring of my 57^Th year.

I had even gotten married 5 years earlier but sometime during the holidays of 2007 I could no longer stand life as it was going - my marriage was a last ditch effort to make me feel male, she only got married again because her family told her she should - there was never any real love or deep bonds so I knew that coming out would be the end of it but I could no longer stand living this lie any more, In January of 2008 I began my research and found a therapist - started sessions in June of that year, joined Laura's - by the next Thanksgiving I was alone - the divorce proceedings were started and I had come out to a few selected people.

For me the process was long and very slow from the beginning, letting fear dominate over my own needs until finally I was able to move to New Orleans and begin to live as Sally - I miss some people and a few things from my old life but I will never miss having to pretend to be someone else, to think before I could react to anything, to no longer be me would be just too high a price.

I live alone again but now it is no longer painful because there is an inner peace that I had been missing for nearly 60 years.

They say that life begins at forty but for me it was much closer to 60.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Nicole Thrace]

It was October of 2011 when I knew I had to finally accept myself. I was up in the attic getting down some Halloween decorations and I thought....Nicole, you just can't go on living your life as a male. You have to change or just be depressed and miserable the rest of your life. Early in 2011 I had seen a show on TV about a Transgendered child and a bell went off in head. Finally I knew I wasn't just sick or some kind of pervert.

My story is like alot of the stories here on Laura's. I knew I was a girl at a very young age. With enough physical and mental abuse from my parents and the rest of society I learned to hide my feelings and develop that feeling of ME being wrong. I would dress and feel happy but then the feelings of guilt and shame would set in. I would throw away all my gurly things and tell myself that I was going to be a man. I abused drugs and alcohol, joined the military, after the military it was back to the drugs and heavy drinking. I got married but never had children. I have a good paying job and a loving wife, but my life just lacked happiness and meaning

.

Now it's September of 2012. I did alot of reasearch after that day in 2011. I joined Laura's. I started seeing a Gender Therapist this year. She diganossied me as Gender Dysphoric. I came out to my wife. At first my wife said she was leaving but now she is not sure. I have come out to some close friends and lost two of them. I went to a doctor to see about HRT. Now if I pass a three hour psy exam I can finally get my hormones.

So thats the short version of my story. I won't say my life is all sunshine and bunnies now, but it is alot better than it use to be!

Hugs,

Nicole

[Guest]

Greetings Jaymie!

My scenario sounds just like a repetition of what I have read so far on LP's forums.

Spent decades denying my innerself my true feelings by "hiding in the bottle".

Finally got that monkey off my back about 11years ago.

Woke up one day after a failed marriage and finally decided to be true to myself.

What a releif! Should have done this in my pre-teens. Just can't remember when I initially knew that I was not meant to be a male.

Decided to finally join LP which was another momentus occasion. Shure is nice to have place to check-in with like minded people.

Yep, slow learner here but life is much better now.

No "bed of roses" but better to be alone than lonely.

Life is a journey, fortunately I don't know when the end is.

Huggs,

Joann

[Guest LizMarie]

I'd fought back gender dysphoria episodes before and my latest began in late 2010. But unlike prior times, I could not shove it back under a rock this time. It grew and became more and more contentious. By January/February of 2012, I was beginning to ask myself why I wanted to go on living. Recognizing that this was bad and that I'd made almost no headway on my own with the dysphoria, I sought out a therapist qualified in gender identity issues. After the first session she told me that I needed to stop lying to myself first and to accept who I am. Since then everything has been a slow march forward towards transition and eventually living as myself rather than as the mask I've worn for years.

[Guest LaciGirl]

I came out at roughly the start September of last year to my now ex-wife and parents.

I think the moment for me was when I started thinking of scenarios of how my family & friends would be better off if I were dead because I didn't feel like there was any other alternative for me...besides comming out. I tried so hard to live up to other peoples expectations of me as a man my whole life, and I feel it literally drove me close to insanity. Now I have been on HRT for 5 months (and today I got my perscription for Finasteride ) and I have never felt as centered or at peace with myself before in my life.

[Ravin]

After my son was born my biological clock stopped ringing louder than my wake-up call. He's 18 mo. now and I'm about where you are--need to make the next move but held back by not wanting to give up the good in my life and worried that I will lose it if I transition. I plan on getting to a therapist or group or something, soon.

[Guest carolynn2fem]

it was about 2 years ago when my wife had a huge bondfire in the back yard with my dresses and everything fem, at the same time she called my mother and outed me to her. and posibly others. that was a turning point for me. it took me till now to find a therapist. I feel like i'm begining a new journey