The ghost of the past creeps up every no and then

[Guest Orva26]

There exist no certainty in the world, no stat-thermo model you can run with vectors to test across to evaluate your decisions and the direction of your life.

I rather mislike logging into my "old" facebook. Every once and a while I have to in order to reply to old and current friends I am not out to. But seeing that list, seeing all the people throughout my life that are now in a way cut off... ... I think it rips into me. I don't know how much of this has anything to do with being trans or if it all just relates to coming of age, "maturation" (in quotes since I don't agree with how society wants us, the human race to mature), and how people drift.

I will see peoples' names and profiles, people who I used to be very close to. I guess they are 'retired' good friends now. At some level it makes my mind worry about the life I am crafting now. If its worth it, If I am building a "garbage life" for myself. Sometimes thoughts that if I stopped if I went back to living as my assigned gender I could get it all back come to me. But that is crazy, the real ghost in all of this; these people haven't disowned me or anything of the sort. They don't even know about my trans-identity. Our drifting has nothing to do with that it is just a result of how our lives have moved apart.

Guess I got to figure out to remember healthily again. How to make my past, both actions and relations, not tickle my guilt.

[gennee]

Orva, the past can shows where we were and where we are now. Every now and then I do this and I see that I am much happier now. It hit me ta few days ago in a bookstore. Though I haven't transitioned physically, my brain is female. I look forward to the future and what is in store for me.

[Guest Paradox]

That picture is not you; it is just the old house you lived in. You are just moved into a new house. "You" are not the house, nor can a picture of the "house" tell anyone who you really are!

Sounds a little like Zen, but there you have it!

[Guest DanD]

when i started mones, i decided who i would keep and who i would lose..based on how i thought theyd handle this info. i just didnt tell those old ones i didnt think could handle it. and i dont want the whole fricking planet to know evreything, thats nuts!

i lost some freinds i didnt want to lose, just from moving around at the time.. one guy i trie to just not call or do anything etc, but he kept calling and coming to pop up on my doorstep... so, ended up telling him when it was obvious, i figured he wouldnt get it anyway. well he didnt "get it" but, he didnt want us to not be freinds. When i was younger i would sit and enxplain things but by that time i was at a point where i just dint feel like it. so i didnt.

later i came to see that was wrong.. and later, when i explained it to an old freind, she said to me, "you didnt even give people a chance".

Guess she was right, you should give people a chance, but not before youre ready, and able to explain and answer all these usual questions. Sometimes people can surprise you, and understand more than you'd think they ever could.

doesnt mean you have to out yourself on facebook to the whole planet though. but old friends..are worth a shot, since theyre old freinds.

just my opinion there.