Sadness

[Cyndee]

John Lennon "you've got to free your mind instead" Words I try to live by, especially when it comes to battling this condition.

Another weekend fighting off dysphoria. Mostlly was able to function out with wife yesterday, we walked our neighbor's dogs, worked on things around the house together, it was all good. She was reminding me that I seem to "walk like a girl in heels", when out together. I avoided the neighbor chit chat as we were out yesterday, it's very uncomfortable at times. I had a nice outing as Cindy Friday night to support meeting and dinner. Then I went to bed last night and it hit, I just started crying, the overwhelming feeling of sadness, it just would not stop. My wife tries to ask me what's wrong but that just fuels more discussions and feelings of sadness, I had to leave and go into the other room alone to cry myself to sleep. The cruelity in this world is everywhere, you are constantly reminded of just how cruel this condition is. I have developed all kinds of techniques for dealing with this. I distract myself, I try to avoid situations where this feeling of sadness might rear it's ugly head. She was upset for me this morning, I reminded her of how much I love her and our family and that my love for her will never die. This condition is not her fault I remind her, she has done nothing wrong. What is left of him still hurts me badly, sure I have good days, but the world has no shortage of reminders waiting around the next bend.....

Cindy -

[Carolyn Marie]

((((HUGGGSSSS))))

I'm so sorry that you're feeling low, CR. The thing you must remember is that these periods of sadness are almost always temporary, and something will come along soon to brighten your day and help you see that there is promise in the future. Things won't always seem so difficult. Trust in yourself, your S/O, and the friends you have IRL and here. We'll be here for you, my friend.

Carolyn Marie

[VickySGV]

Its something you have to keep walking towards, or crawling if you need to. I have had flash backs recently of events twenty or more years ago when I tried to be something I was not and have found myself in a rage of hopelessness, not for now, but for then and what it meant in terms of my feelings of self. Things in my life are picking up and moving, just not at the pace I would like and there is just the one small tag of fear that when I get "THERE" it will not be far enough even then.

Day by day, a micro-meter at a time, or so it seems. HUGGGGG.

[Sakura]

There are times when i feel i am largely over the hump , then there are times i feel the dysphoria closing in on me. after nearly 8 years of tranisition , those feelings are still hard to deal with. most of mine . i feel is grounded on irrational fears. since moving from my home town. asides from one instance with a former employer , and one instance of getting read by some one that did not know me , with a couple of odd outings due to my drivers liscens. i have had little trouble and it has been literally years since i have had any issues at all. i would think that dysphora and me would be threw. but it still sneeks up and bites me in the arse from time to time. and i can do little but ride it out. the longer you do it and the more comfortable you become the easier it gets , day by day , month by month year by year. it gets easier to cope with. i wish i had better words of wisdom , r some awsome story to pass on to brighten up your mood . but really only time and steps forward heal this wound

Sakura

[Guest Deanna]

I have been going through similar dysphoria & sadness this last week. It can cause my wife to get upset also. Thanks for sharing this you made me feel just a little better knowing I wasn't the only on feeling like this. Hope you feel a little better soon.

[Guest]

Cindy!

Life seems to go in cycles.

At what frequency I simply don't know. As we least expect it it bite us in the back side.

I can only offer my shoulder for you to cry on.

It does get easier as time goes on.

Lot of HUGGS,

Joann

[Cyndee]

Thanks my friends so much

I am going to head out exercising and try and walk off the blues. Exercising really does help, it's good medicine, it's a time I can try and resolve some of this in my head. My wife just called and she felt a little better, we talked a little, that made me feel better and a little more rational, she does care about me, that's huge.

Hearing stories from those further down the path than I helps to add perspective, and what may lie ahead.

Hugs

Cindy -

[Guest angels wings]

Cindy lovey your wife will never stop loving the beautiful person that you are. For us S/Os it is really hard but in our hearts we know our partners are happy . It's a battle for sure but your love and understanding is what keeps you both together . It's hard for both . I wish you and your darling all the best . ((((((( hugs ))))) for you both . One day at a time .

Angel

[Guest Chrissy6455]

Hugs

I know its hard, and its really easy to get down in the dumps, but you always have to have hope, and know that one day things will get better.

-Christina

[Cyndee]

Thanks Angel and hugs to you both - She was fine this morning and things were calm as she left for work, it's another day

Thanks Christina - Hope will never die, drummer last night at band hugged me and said "you rock Ma'am", kinda set me back a moment.

Cindy -

[Guest angels wings]

Glad to hear lovey May the love and peace be always in your hearts and home ((((hugs)))

Angel

[Guest]

Hi Cindy,

Your cares don't go unnoticed. You've taken that long road of patience and persistance. Not surprising that it gets tough at times.

But, you are making huge progress! It's been a pleasure to see you blossoming this year!

Yes, the curse of the beard goes on, but you are perhaps the only one who notices. Everything else has moved forward quite well! Just a while longer...

Best of luck with the new gig!!!

Love, Megan

[Cyndee]

Hi Cindy,

Your cares don't go unnoticed. You've taken that long road of patience and persistance. Not surprising that it gets tough at times.

But, you are making huge progress! It's been a pleasure to see you blossoming this year!

Yes, the curse of the beard goes on, but you are perhaps the only one who notices. Everything else has moved forward quite well! Just a while longer...

Best of luck with the new gig!!!

Love, Megan

Thanks Meg for taking the time out of your busy day to answer my ramblings, it means a lot to hear back from you. You know me better than anyone on this board, sans soul mate and Kenzie. I may look back on this day, and recall how I felt this morning, the sadness, the joy, these internal feelings of this force of our existence, that keeps pushing in my head. The drive to resolve, a mission, a quest, a burning desire, truth in this universe.

Love

Cindy -

[VickySGV]

Hang in there, it does take a while, and that ole Pacific Ocean can seem like a dry lake bed beside the tears we want to shed about this strange trip.

[Cyndee]

Hang in there, it does take a while, and that ole Pacific Ocean can seem like a dry lake bed beside the tears we want to shed about this strange trip.

Thanks Vicky, it's great to hear from you. May your journey up north be smooth.....

I am right about at the 210 lbs max weight she suggests, I know I can get even lower, even at my height. I work my lower body constantly in anticipation, very happy with regard to fitness......

Hugs

C Rae -

[Guest]

...I am arriving decades later, OMG. I have this overwhelming feeling of what was meant to be, my destiny as a woman.

HUGGS Cynthia Rae!

Better to arrive late than never. You are on your journey and you will arrive where you're intended to be. The Truth is part of your journey.

I feel for your sadness, it will get better.

Huggs,

Joann

[VickySGV]

Cynthia -- I just got back from my normal doctor on an ingrown toe nail issue that is keeping me from doing my favorite exercise which is hiking up in Santa Anita Canyon, and you are tons lighter than I am at the minute!! That is my big buggaboo just now, oh did I let our a groan when I saw what the scale said!!

[Guest angels wings]

Cindy you will get there lovey . Just take it easy sunshine your on the track your destination is there you will make it just one step at a time .(((((((( hugs ))))))) filled with strength for you Cindy

Angel

[Cyndee]

Cindy you will get there lovey . Just take it easy sunshine your on the track your destination is there you will make it just one step at a time .(((((((( hugs ))))))) filled with strength for you Cindy

Angel

Thanks so much Angel, I just have to keep my head down and push through this, with love in my heart for those around me.

Best -

Cindy -

[Cyndee]

Cynthia -- I just got back from my normal doctor on an ingrown toe nail issue that is keeping me from doing my favorite exercise which is hiking up in Santa Anita Canyon, and you are tons lighter than I am at the minute!! That is my big buggaboo just now, oh did I let our a groan when I saw what the scale said!!

Good luck with the toe ! It's getting cooler in the canyons, this is nice time for hikes there, the Santa Anna's are a blowin' soon.

[KathrynJulia]

Cindy

My heart is crying for you when I hear and read the sadnest in you. I know how you are feeling and God how I wish I could bring a smile to your face and 50,000 hairs to die and majically fall out everyday until they are all gone. Two hours of electrolysis tonight, so I am so feeling your pain. . But I did learn something today the hard way. I rented a stump grinder to tear up about a dozen stumps in the back yard. It is about the least feminine activity I could engage in. I absolutely hurt everywhere. Today made a believer out of me Cindy. No more man handleing things like stump grinders. I moved that machinery like a girl and ow, ow. everywhere.

Today was the last time I ever do something like this. My body no longer is strong enough. I sat on a stump and contemplated how far I have come and how far my body has changed this past year. I was at a home improvements store this afternoon and bought a snow blower and swallowed my pride and asked for help loading it. It's a new reality Cindy and asking for help kills me. I know people who would pay good money watching me humbly asking for help. I hope you experience bright blue skies, warm sunshine on your face and that somebody tells a really good joke that makes you laugh. It's a pleasure to have you as my sister Cyndi. I'm sending my wimpy squeeze and a warm hug your way. No more bone crushers. Just nice and soft.

Wimpy KathrynJulia

[Guest Megan's Mate]

My Lovely Cindy, I wish there were some magic words that I could say to you to make your pain go away. As Megan's soul mate, I can only say that from my stand point this transformation biz is going to be happening for a really long time. Cindy, I believe you are becoming more beautiful and confident all the time. I hate it when the tears catch up with me. But it happens. Let them flow. Expecially if doing so will help you to feel better. It seems to me that you and your soul mate are making great strides to make all this craziness work out for the both of you and the girls. I'm proud of you and your incredible way you look when you are happy in your OWN skin. It will be okay, Cin. Just you wait and see. You are Cindy okay and you are beautiful in both your transition and your concern for your family. I love you. From one who loves you, Meg's Soul Mate

[Guest AngieT]

Cindy -

My heart goes out to you as you navigate through the hardships we face. Our challenges seem so unfair, and many/most members of society will never "allow" us to find inner peace because of their flawed understanding of who we are and the journey that we must travel. All I can offer is my most sincere wishes that those around you will adjust and eventually embrace you for the beautiful person that you are.

When I began my transition I faced opposition from both of my parents and was shunned by people I truly thought were friends. It's taken a while, but over time people have adjusted and have embraced me for who I am now, not for the person that I once was. Live life right, show everyone the positive changes that transition has brought about, and learn to love yourself. If you do that, others will follow.

My warmest wishes go out to you,

Angie

[Guest angels wings]

Cindy please know you can message me any time lovey . Wishing you peace in your heart and days filled with warmth and laughter (((((hugs)))

Angel

[Cyndee]

Cindy

My heart is crying for you when I hear and read the sadnest in you. I know how you are feeling and God how I wish I could bring a smile to your face and 50,000 hairs to die and majically fall out everyday until they are all gone. Two hours of electrolysis tonight, so I am so feeling your pain. . But I did learn something today the hard way. I rented a stump grinder to tear up about a dozen stumps in the back yard. It is about the least feminine activity I could engage in. I absolutely hurt everywhere. Today made a believer out of me Cindy. No more man handleing things like stump grinders. I moved that machinery like a girl and ow, ow. everywhere.

Today was the last time I ever do something like this. My body no longer is strong enough. I sat on a stump and contemplated how far I have come and how far my body has changed this past year. I was at a home improvements store this afternoon and bought a snow blower and swallowed my pride and asked for help loading it. It's a new reality Cindy and asking for help kills me. I know people who would pay good money watching me humbly asking for help. I hope you experience bright blue skies, warm sunshine on your face and that somebody tells a really good joke that makes you laugh. It's a pleasure to have you as my sister Cyndi. I'm sending my wimpy squeeze and a warm hug your way. No more bone crushers. Just nice and soft.

Wimpy KathrynJulia

Oh Kathryn, thanks so much for taking time to write, very special. 2 hours in the chair is about all I can stand per week, I know there is pressure to step it up even more, but truly this hurts girl, I know you know, and it does wear on ya. I move my hand across my face this morning before shaving and it just reminds me, that I have made good progress towards the dream of having a truly smooth face again, like when we were young. Yeah the fatique that sets in doing things that require muscles, our bodies are changing, it takes it toll, we must adjust. Jars are starting to feel harder to open, I was always my wife's "go to" for opening jars, now I struggle with them a bit. I really feel it now coming home from band late at night after playing. I just don't sit still and stand there when we play, I am one of those "dancers" when playing Bass, I kick up my heels and move with the music, it's a physical experience. Good luck with the stump grinder, OMG, we had stumps removed on our property here (many douglas firs here), that is grueling work. I think we will be able to look back on this time Kathryn and smile however. The struggles to become what we were are, I wish you peace and happiness Kathryn, and perhaps someday our paths will cross, I would enjoy a visit with you someday.

Hugs

Cindy -