Started drinking Alcohol.

[Guest Abiron]

I'm posting this too late. I'm writing this in my cellphone. For those who don't know me, I go by Abiron. I am a 15 year old genderqueer FtM, struggling with my identity severely at some points. Well, I want to state that I'm suicidal, have no one that would understand to talk to, and I have no time for Lauras anymore, mainly because I'm grounded for who knows how long. A week ago, I started to drink alcohol for no reason, I don't think I felt depressed, though afterwards I started tearing up for no apparent reason. My dad has came back from a clinical thing he has monthly, and let me tell you..these past two days with him have been horrible. He has had an attitude with me mainly because I won't do anything with my hair. The second reason would probably be because I wear mens clothes.

I honestly don't know what's his deal, because he's suddenly alright and accepting and suddenly turns discriminating after a while. I'm stuck at the moment, because my hair is shaggy and I always leave it that way since I believe doing other hairstyles would prevent me from passing as a male, and he wants me to do another hairstyle because he's sick of seeing the same one already, though I'm afraid to do anything with my hair. Most importantly, I'm afraid of being near him, because all he does is try and put me down by criticizing me saying I look like crap basically. I need help...

I'm also relapsing on an eating disorder again, and suffering from a negative body image because of moderate-severe dysphoria in public. (mostly school) And I suffer from severe identity issues which I prefer not to share.

Back to the alcohol...because of all of this, I'm craving for alcohol everyday, and thinking of overdosing from pills while drinking as I take them. Right now, I am stuck on what to do with my father...

Tomorrow is another day of school, I don't know what to do with my hair...

I plan to commit suicide, probably the next time I breakdown emotionally.

Just taking alcohol as something to calm me down for now...and get wasted. I cut once in a while, too. Just afraid of being pressured more in the future...and be forced to be something I'm not. I ferl bad for my parents having to deal with the way I decide to present myself...

If I'm pressured any longer to the point where I'd be forced to dress as a girl in public, I think that's the last life line for me.

[Guest Maria_B]

Have you made your father aware that what he is doing seriously hurts you?

School is not forever and home life is not forever, put in the hard miles for the next 3 years and you can have 30x as many years as how YOU want to live them away from that.

Don't use a permanent decision for a temporary problem, life has opportunities.

[VickySGV]

There are teen groups for alcohol abuse in many places, probably there in Florida. At least they can give you real people to talk with. Contact the local GLBT center there because they will know where those places are. They can help you.

The alcohol is not going to do a diddlin thing as far as getting along with your dad or living under his ideas of grooming for yourself. I will say it again!!:The alcohol is not going to do a diddlin thing as far as getting along with your dad or living under his ideas of grooming for yourself.!!!

If your dad is under the influence of some therapeutic drugs himself, he is not going to be clear headed, and two of you with fuzzy brains and loose mouths are sheer poison for each other.

Maria_B knows what she is talking about, and is close to your age.. The fact she recently survived your age problem set with being trans shows that it can be done. There is ONLY one way to really take care of your current problems, and that is to take yourself away from the booze, accept life on its own terms, (maybe even the old man's hair cut jag) and LIVE for another few years to when you can control a long life so that in time it will get better.

YES YOU CAN LIVE THROUGH TEENHOOD, most of us old types did it in times when we had no idea what the problems were. You get even with people by OUTLIVING them, not by cutting your life short before you do anything at all.

I have many enemies that are dead of old age and no longer a bother to me. I did not get to this pleasant point by killing myself as a teenager. Old Father Time is a wonderful friend in the long run, don't think otherwise.

Look for help and you will find it, hey thats why we are here. Happy hangover!!

[Michelle 2010]

I like what Maria said about three miles of rough road knowing it can get better for the next thirty. That makes the bumps and pot holes a little more endurable for people like me.

Of course at your age, I didn't know there were people like me, i was just a kid hiding the freak on the inside, or so I identified myself.

Today its different. My TG support group actually meets in a Young Persons LGBT center in town. It has fund raisers, goes into the schools and does outreach as well as providing an afterschool place to hang out.

Being pressured by parents, feeling different from others at school, and turning to alcohol and cutting as a solution is like entering a world you don't want to venture far into, kinda like Alice Through the Looking Glass, into a world where its hard to tell the real from the unreal. Everything can start to seem normal.

I work with young addicts and we liken addiction (to substances or behaviors), to taking visits to Disneyworld, where its a great escape in the beginning. But at some point we can forget it is an amusing escape and start thinking it is Reality if we stay there long enough. Ultimately, we try to leave and can't find the Exit Doors and are trapped in our addiction.

Not knowing whether you are in a rural or urban area, its impossible to know what resources are available. I agree with others that an lgbt resource center should be called to find out about options for young people. Googling and a phone call should let you know. Soemtimes that phone seems to weigh a thousand pounds, but the person at the other end is your friend and will help.

Hugs

Michelle

[Guest Abiron]

Thanks, but I think my parents are making me go to homecoming.......

[Charlize]

Sorry you feel so much pressure.

When i was your age i somehow learned that i had to hide completely. Anything trans. was dealt with severely. That feeling stayed with me throughout the majority of my life. Its odd but i've learned not to regret those days. I learned and grew into the person i am now. I developed a world view that contains both genders. Not that it helps, but you are young. You are way ahead in your understanding of your path. Setbacks will occur but the rewards for continuing through the problems are growth and understanding. I didn't have a bunch of old trans folks like you do. We have lived through it and so can you.

I fell into the drugs and alcohol trap for many years. It grew to own me. I only started to be myself when i finally got some help. Since then life has improved. I am happy and have some peace of mind. Try to relax into your life. Get help where you can. Time is definitely on your side. I feel fortunate to have found myself at the tender age of 64.

Can't recommend waiting that long but a few more years are probably ok.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Simon/Sarah]

Your strory (apart from the fact i'm not FTM) sounds exactly like mine when I was fifteen. Please take Maria_B's advice and don't rely on alcohol because if you do rely on the booze later on it turn's into a monster all of it's own. Sorry if I am sounding condescending, I don't mean to be. I think the advice I'm giving you right now is advice I desperately wish I could give to myself If I could only go back in time. I wish I had some magical answer and advice regarding your parents but I don't (when I was 15 my parents really sucked in a big way). You don't / won't live with them forever and then from my own personal experience life DOES get a lot better, you just have to keep at it that's all!

[Guest]

Sarah, I don't think you sound condescending, you speak the truth. Substance abuse is a huge trap! Maria, the permanent/temporary age old adage, has kept me alive for a lot of years.

Abiron, If you like to read, check out the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous from the public library. In it, you can find answers to daily life, not just alcohol. That is a very cool way to find a Higher Power. Not a bunch of religious dogma, but a real freedom to find something within us spiritually to set us free. Life will always be a struggle, but not what you are going through right now.

I listen to Megan Rose, she is one of my very best mentors. There are lots of people here that care about you when you struggle, you gotta be around to hang out with us. Forget about pulling the plug and fight your fight young warrior. You have the stuff to win. High five! Jody