My story so far

[Guest Shadow]

My story so far:

Around age 12 I secretly started to crossdress, mostly 'borrowing' things from my mom, not alot but enough to spend an hour or two every few days as a 'girl', this continued for about a year. I also shaved my budding body hair as best as I could since I really liked the remaining smooth parts I had at that point.

During this time I did try and research why I wanted to dress and act like a girl online, I also got taken advantage by some less than savory people and due to that when I 'melted down' and had a 'cry for attention' suicide attempt my gender stuff was labelled as 'strictly a phase' and it got dismissed & suppressed from my everyday life though floated through my mind often enough for the next 8 years. I went through puberty and got all that gross body hair and masculine features that alongside my ballooning weight gave me little to no social confidence so I kinda became a hermit while I was still under my mom's roof.

I left home at age 18 and spun through a couple places before I had solid internet access at which point I on and off researched the beejeezus out of my 'phase' (previously I had also read almost every book I could get my hands on in the library system) although didn't make any solid attempts on trying to rid myself of my masculine traits, partially due to depression from the rest of my life and partially because I was already wary of being 'accepted' by the few social groups I was a part of. around this age my previous interest in 'kinky' things blossomed as well and I started to consider that maybe my feelings were strictly fetish or sexually related but again didn't really try to change things, just explore possibilities.

So now we land about a year and a half ago at age 21, I became very interested in trying to dive deeper into the stuff I tried as a kid however quickly hit a wall because of my aforementioned large amount of gained weight (over 300lbs :\) and my body issues, and generally being lazy about taking care of myself, plus as mentioned, clothing wasn't able to just be gone and picked up or easily found (or I didn't know where to look) due to being so large.

As I grew older my mind ran rampant with who I wanted to be and how I wanted to be accepted as (think of it as an early life crisis) so I continued to heavily contemplate on my gender and sexual identity. Around this time I decided to take control of my health (or start to) and started to make healthier choices, go walking/biking as much as I could motivate myself to and try and look after myself despite still suffering from depression.

That was about a year ago and ever since those feelings of not being who I wanted to be both physically and mentally have taken over my mind to the point where I am now, the past few months I've thought about it every day for hours at a time, it's practically become an obsession (I have lots of stress and anxiety daily so this doesn't help it at all).

After much thinking about how much these thoughts of wanting to be female, even partially (androgynous, I hate my masculinity but I'm fine with the idea of gender neutrality for some reason) have been a part of my life/mind and thinking about how I acted as a kid (most of my good friends were girls, I preferred my hair long up until a point where I got teased for it, I envied all the unique things girls got to do that seemed more normal than the stuff I was told to do/wear/whatever) and how I looked at things throughout my teen years I heavily considered the possibility that I was indeed trans, that I indeed wanted to go 'the full 9 yards' so to speak and that it wasn't fetish/sexually motivated (although I do have semi-regular sexualized thoughts about being a woman I have way more thoughts about just living as one, being perceived and treated as one).

The more I thought about it the more it felt right and how/who I wanted to be, who I *needed* to be. Since that thought process started I've been heavily changing my diet and level of exercise and lost 65lbs in 8 months though still have at least 90 to go (60 if I want to be considered 'average') but I have alot of stressful things going on in my life that have slowed it or limited the amount I can do (like my lack of cooking skills). I'm not only doing it for my health but because I want to be able to pull off 'being a girl' and finding clothes let alone making 'curves' isn't easy when you're 240lbs :\

After I stopped suppressing my feminine emotions and wants/needs I instantly felt good about myself, allowing my brain to go through all the pent up crap has made me stressed but less so than when I kept it all locked up, I still have tons of fears of where (I feel) I want to go with my gender but aside from all the fears that line the path (not being able to afford all the non-covered things like electrolysis, facial and adams apple surgeries, the mountain of feminine lifestyle items, gender therapy, side effects and potential death from hormones, dying on an operating table, society being full of morons that might try to kill me since I live in a VERY conservative city, and the biggest one of all: not turning out the way I want to look) I feel I do want to go the 'full nine yards'; from getting on hormones to vocal training to bottom half surgery (I don't plan on considering top half).

I eventually broke down and decided to confide in my support worker a month ago and a handful of open minded people and 2 good local friends 5 months ago (just a brief history, I have Aspergers syndrome, ADHD, ODD, and PDD hence why I warrant a support worker) about my feelings and my support worker is currently trying to get funding for a gender therapist however I'm pretty certain about my feelings now that I've had them stir and get worked through over the past 6 months, it's just the long road (including turning my health around so I'm not turned down for hormones and so that I don't feel awful about my body due to being overweight) that is troubling me now and having patience not to be all 'EVERYTHING MUST HAPPEN NOW!' since patience is not my strong suit at all. I'm currently waiting for some body hair removal techniques to arrive so I can obliterate that, I've been cautiously trying to pick up some clothes locally with a friend's help as well as waiting for my hair to grow out and maybe getting my eyebrows shaped/some makeup/etc.

But yeah, frankly while I don't know if 'this is what it feels like to be trans' I do feel like this is where I need to go, who I need to become and how I want to live (albeit I wish there weren't so many transphobiac idiots in the world) despite how long it may take to get there.

And that's my story :-)

Anyways, I'm here for support, advice, maybe a bit of guidance, information gathering and wisdom to absorb on my journey and would love to maybe make some friends too, I promise I don't bite unless you ask me to ;P

~Shadow

[Guest SusanB]

Welcome Shadow,

I think you will find Lauras very helpful in many ways

[Guest angels wings]

Hello ~Shadow nice to meet you , Welcome to Laura's

Thank you for sharing a bit about yourself . You will find many other members who have travelled similar journeys . There is a lot of great information in the forums that may help you .we have chat available , you will need a different registeration to join . You can add a comment of your own to any topic or create a topic of your own . Please remember to read the Terms and Conditions , which are on the bottom right of any page . These rules are followed by all of us . This helps keep Laura's a safe and warm place for us all to come and share .

Angel

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Shadow,

<<< hug >>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna

[Guest Shadow]

thank you all for the warm welcome, I have been in the chat a few times over the past few years, I just was a bit turned off about it with much drama or problems being aired out, it kind of heightened my own so much so I was uncomfortable...

Also when I inquired about what I should all I was told was simply to 'get a therapist' instead of providing advice or tips on things I was curious about learning about (such as eyebrow shaping, body hair removal yaddah yaddah)...however I've progressed through my thoughts on my own so much I almost don't feel the need for one so I don't know if I'll pop in there.

[Guest angels wings]

That's cool Shadow no worries If you have any questions we will try our best to answer them

Angel

[Cyndee]

Welcome Shadow, this is a place where you can be yourself, that's what matters, we are all individuals here, many with similar stories "only the shadow knows". For example I borrowed my Mom's clothes too growing up, I also shaved my body as puberty hit, now 40 years into the future, I ponder the "why". Congrats on the weight loss, it's not easy. As far as the therapist, it's an easy thing to try and pass up, especially when resources are tight. If you can at all get to see one, you may be pleasantly surprised on how good it feels to discuss these issues face to face with someone that "gets it", just my .02.

I hope you enjoy your time here.

Hugs

Cindy -

[Guest Shadow]

unfortunately there's a single gender therapist for my area, hopefully I can get the funding for it since there's no way I can afford it otherwise, also hopefully he/she is good since I've heard from many trans folk over the years of completely unhelpful therapists that try and tell you who you are instead of helping you work through your issues.

[Guest]

Welcome to LP Shadow!

Thank you for the great introduction.

There is a lot of information and a lot of friendly people here.

A GT can be a great help, being in the Okanagan I can only guess that they are few and far inbetween. Hopefully your support worker can line you up with one.

Huggs,

Joann

[Guest Ney'ite]

Hello, Shadow, welcome to Laura's.

[Guest Shadow]

thanks again for the warm welcomes, I'm just in a very overwhelmed state right now and trying not to meltdown over the acceptance of who I've decided to (hopefully) become, I got alot on the go so this is pretty heavy...dunno how active I'll be here, I tend to suck at being active on forums, I'm more likely to be active in chat as A-Shadow