Pinocchio Boy

[Guest SebastianIAm]

Hi, I'm Sebastian. I've just turned 18 years old, and I was born in a female body. I've got bipolar disorder, OCD, and a history of eating disorders and self-injury.

My family is not supportive of the idea of my transitioning. I want to go on testosterone, but they've convinced me that I'd be even more miserable as a short, ugly, man than I am as a short, semi-attractive, female. My father says that I'll be ridiculed and possibly beaten to death as a male. He also said that I'd never pass for a man, and that if I went onto hormones I'd end up just being a very masculine and unattractive butch lesbian, and no one would be attracted to me. My grandmother, the most supportive one in my family, says that I'd be better off as a butch lesbian because short men can never get women or jobs or recognition. She says that I should take advantage of what I've been given. My mother, who knows nothing about my gender identity or even my sexuality, tells me that, now that I've begun to grow my hair out, I am finally beginning to look like her beautiful daughter again. She told me how pretty I was last week end, for the first time since... well, since I can remember. She's never thought me pretty before, but the other night she had no end of praises.

The thing is, I'm not a girl, and I'm definitely not a butch lesbian. I'm a boy and I'm pansexual, and I've always wanted to be a boy. I'm like Pinocchio--- all I've ever wanted is to be a real boy. When I was a little girl, I'd pray every night that god would make me a boy in the morning, but he never did. Actually, that's probably when I first began to lose my faith--- something I've never been able to regain. Looking at pictures of boys makes me sick with envy. I've got a younger bother who has turned into a man before my eyes while I've been trapped in female limbo. I'm afraid to transition now, because of the violence against trans people, the anti-short man bias, and the fact that I am physically as feminine as they come.

I'm just confused and afraid, and miserable. All I can think about these days is transitioning, how much I wish I could. It's actually getting in the way of my school work, so I know it is a real problem. I can't sleep at night because I am so depressed about this. I've got no one to talk to about this, though my best friend is supportive. She doesn't know what it's like. I'm afraid to even bind my chest now, because if I am doomed to be a woman then I don't want to have sagging breasts.

It just doesn't seem fair that I had to be born the only girl in the family as well as the shortest person in the family. My cousins and siblings are all tall males, so I'm stuck as the little girl. I wish I had a sister, so at least then I wouldn't have that burden. I'm now afraid to transition, and afraid not to because I've heard that hormones become less effective as you get older. I HATE this. It's like I'm screwed either way, and though I know that logically I'll have more social and work advantages if I stay the way I am, I'm absolutely miserable in this body.

[Guest angels wings]

Hello Sebastian Welcome to Laura's

The journey is hard , I'm sorry to hear you have no support . Here at Lauras you are accepted for just been you . we have differnt forums with alot of great information that may help you. Have you considered seeing a therapist or joining a support group ? A therapist will help you discover who you are and help guide you in the plans you need to make . Here is a link to therapists .

http://www.lauras-playground.com/gender_therapists.htm

We also have chat available which you will need a different registeration to join , it's a great way to getting to know others who are travelling similar paths .

Hormones can be very affective some started their journeys at an older age and have had good results . Try not to be so hard on yourself and look at avenues you can explore to help you come to peace with who you are . No one can tell what is right for you only you can . With time things slowly start to fall into place .

Have a look around relax and enjoy the warmth . You can add a comment to any topic or create a topic of your own . Please remember to follow the Terms and conditions when doing so .

http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?app=forums&module=extras&section=boardrules

Looking forward to getting to know you Seabastian by the way I love your name

Angel

[Guest Luna_Luv2942]

Hello Sebastian, I understand how you feel. I found it helped me to get over some of my anxiety over my body (I'm 6'3, 186 lbs.) by look for genetic females who were tall like me which made me feel better about myself. So for yourself try finding genetic males that are around your same height and build who live good lives, then you can strive to be like them. I hope that helps some, sorry I couldn't offer much else. But feel free to contact me on here if you want to (:

[MaryEllen]

Hello Sebastian,

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

MaryEllen

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Hi Sebastian,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. Please come in and make yourself comfortable. Post topic and reply to others. In that time as you share your thoughts and feelings, you will find yourself seeing yourself more clearly than you thought possible.

Love.

Brenda

[Guest SebastianIAm]

Thanks all. I've asked my dad to get me an appointment my therapist. I'm so glad I found you guys. I really need someone to talk to. Unfortunately, the chat box hasn't been working for me. I've tried it from my android and multiple computers, but the thing always says that I am missing a plugin. If I can get it working, I'll definitely start chatting with you guys. Thanks for all of your advice. I'd write more, but I am using my phone to write right now. Anyway, thanks.

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to the Playground, Sebastian. I hope you find the support and information you need here.

One thing I can tell you about, is being a short, and what some would call unattractive male. I was born male, never got taller than 5 foot 3 (I've been shrinking a bit lately ), never considered myself handsome in the least, and managed to marry a very pretty woman and have a fairly successful career in government. So you have my permission to tell your family that they don't know what they are talking about.

Nothing is impossible, Sebastian. It takes work, and patience, and a little luck, and more work, but you can do anything you set your mind to.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Sebastion,

<<< hug >>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna

[Guest Eliza_S]

Hi, Sebastian. I'm the parent of a lovely MtF college student. I don't know nearly as much about FtM as I've learned about MtF through my daughter, so I won't try to give advice, just say that here you will be loved and accepted for what you are.

And just to say: happy=beautiful. Even as a short man, if you are happy and relaxed and secure in your body, people will find you attractive.

Eliza

[Guest DanD]

HI SebastianIam, sometimes things i read in here just get me ticked off, then i sound like this...these people are supposed to be your family and love you, but somehow somewhere they missed the memo on that, and a bunch of other things in life apparently. I've heard all that same kind of garbage when I was younger too, and they didnt know what they were talking about either.

then you get the doubletalk..your father says you would be stuck feminine, but then he says youd be too masculine a girl, some such nonsense?

I used to be a little taller than i am, but shrunk in recent years, probably the compressed discs, and the knees, there no gap there in the knee joints anymore, all that adds up, but I try not to bother to think about it much. I've known alot of guys who are taller than me, but also have known guys who are shorter than me too.

sometimes tall girls go for short guys, even the movie stars! look at people like brad pitt and Tom Cruise, they often dated women who were taller. Doesnt matter a whole lot, unless you really wanted a career in basketball or something... although, who knows, a short player might be able to run in circles around those tall guys, they cant even reach down to try to steal the ball without falling over..

But the reason someone looks feminine or masculine is often based on how they walk and talk, and what they wear and then, whether they got Estogen or Testosterone dominating their body at the time. Testosterone in particular is a very amazing thing, for an FTM person. My voice isnt just "kinda" male, i sound very much like my brothers do, they have nice deep voices. But my voice used to be very high by contrast, i sometimes say my voice was so high only dogs could hear it but thats a bit of an exaggeration there. I just didnt like my old voice much is all.

my mother still gives me that nonsense about "what nice girl i am" or some crap like that. Its really annoying, just grates on my nerves like nothing else. well at least i dont have to live with her.

Yeh I heard all the usual nonsense about try to just be a butch lesban instead. Why? Because it makes them happy? I'm not a butch lesbian. These people just do not "get it", and they may never get it. So if you had a funny looking short brother, theyd tell him to try to just be a butch lesbian instead too? LOL hardly. its just as stupid a thing to say.

Gay women might like you, but chances are they'll end up saying there's something about you...they dont like. I was told by more than one disgusted girl that I acted just like a man! and they meant it in the worst way too. Gay women want women in the first place, not guys, or they would be dating guys, you'd figure? There's a lot of difference between a butch girl and a guy.. some guys arent even that butch either, i dont know how to explain it.

a transsexual woman (MTF) -theyre alot different than just some femme gay guy. I wouldnt be into a femme gay guy in the least, as far as dating or anything, its a whole other thing, and i dont know how to explain it to people so well.. but a girl is a girl, even if she's in the body of something else, and I can pick up on that. Same is true with guys. but its not just a matter of masculine or femminine. even a very masculine girl is still a girl, you know?

I'd say you should go get yourself a good therapist to help with things... I dont know if you graduated high school yet, but you gotta get that done. if youre 18 you can get your parents to help, youd stil be on their insurance, but if not, you can go yourself too. if theres no specific gender therapist arount, the local area MH/MR Outpatient services center would have a bunch of therapists there, and they always work on a sliding scale, based on what you can afford, (even if its nothing.) the same place probably case Case Workers (Case Managers), these people can help you in alot of ways.

they can help you to find housing (an apartment) or take you to the store or to doctor appointments. They find resources for you based on whatever kind of needs you have. Including getting grants for school or whatever, all kind of things. they even help you to learn social skills if youre shy, or some other thing. They can help you get furniture for free or low cost, if you get a new place on your own. Your Bipolar and trans things would easily make you elligible for these things and more.

You can still be elligible for this kind of help even if you have a job. They can also help you find a job too.

You should be able to get on Welfare at 18, and Medicaid. Probably food stamps too. Medicaid is very helpful with paying for medications and doctors, even dental sometimes, so you'd want that. You dont want to wait till you broke a tooth or and arm before you think of getting coverage for it. Having said that, even if you dont have insurance, if youre sick or injured you can go to a hospital, they either bill you later and you pay it in payments, or they write it off as a charity case. They get tons of money for that purpose, so they should do it now and then.

Dont be too proud to look for help or ask for help or accept help of any kind. If i weren't so ignorant about these things, when i was 18 I could have started hormones, but didnt think of it that way. Had a sour view on Welfare back then, which was stupid. If there is something there that can help you get your life together, then its just silly to not take advantage of it, & someone else will.

if you dont have a drivers license yet, i would suggest that as one of your goals, even if you cant afford a car for a long time. The longer you have had a license, then it looks like youve had more driving experience, and that makes your insurance price better when you do get a car. but if you wait till you get a car it will cost alot more for a new driver.

if youre sure of what youd like to do for a living then schooling isnt a bad idea, even if its a trade school. lot of good jobs people dont even think of in the blue collar work like that. but dont pick something that isnt practical or worth the investment youd have to put into it, because you'd like to have actual money later on, not just debts and a piece of paper on your wall..

if youre not sure, or dont want to get into it quite yet, sometimes people that work at some kind of simple job after high school end up doing lay too. Even some billionaires didnt finish college. All kinds of jobs out there, for all kinds of people. heck even the garbage man makes a decent living, but not alot of people are cut out for that.

My younger brother tried out various kinds of jobs, and one would change into another related thing, until he's where he is now. He didnt go to college but he's married and divorced and raised 2 spoiled kids, and has a nice house, and nice cars. He likes where he is at, which is the important thing.

I know what you mean about seeing a younger brother grow up,and have all that stuff going for him that I never had...just stuck in the same body, with the same misery..

Seems harder for alot of us to just do the simple things at times.. but then again, we're like a castle whose missing some blocks from the foundation stones. doesnt make a very sturdy building you know?

Your very fortunate, your generation has the internet and a wealth of resources and information available to you, and support. just chug along and say "i think i can," and work on your path to a better life. and dont be too proud to ask for help sometimes.

this was too log again..oh well, thats ok. it happens.

[Guest Madrone26]

Sebastian,

Testosterone is still effective as you get older. I know several trans guys who started their transition when they were in their 30s or 40s, and they look great. Don't give up following what you know is right for yourself.

[Guest DanD]

Sebastian,

Testosterone is still effective as you get older. I know several trans guys who started their transition when they were in their 30s or 40s, and they look great. Don't give up following what you know is right for yourself.

Yes, I wanted to make sure I added that too but missed it. I didnt started hormones till I was in my 30's. Testosterone is alot more dominant than estrogen.. you dont need to take a estrogen blocker, for example, testosterone by itself is quite sufficient at taking over everything in no time. Changes are rather noticable and dont take very long either.

The skin, and the voice, your libido, your muscles, your weight/density, hair patterns..all kindsa things.

Generally you cant shrink something with hormones once its grown, but you can grow something in size with hormones.

My feet grew in size, they tell you that won't happen, but it did. They say the voice might get a little deeper, or theres a chance of some body or facial hair--whoever said that doesnt know anyone who ever did ttook testo for a while, obviously.

You can expect your voice to settle in a similar range and tone as your brothers voices have.

You can expect your facial hair to be the same as guys in the family too and maybe even more so if they dont have very high testo levels..

just like the MTF gals how it takes a while for them to get woman seized breasts, it takes a while to get a manly voice, and manly adult hair patterns. But it does happen, all due to hormones. it doesnt happen in a day, but it takes some time. just like anyone else going through puberty. for a few years after starting testosterone, you'd be alot like a teenage boy.. the voice doesnt settle down all at once, but when it starts to, its noticable, then years later it settles, and sounds more mature of course.

check out youtube videos of some of the FTM guys there -they often show changes after they started testoesterone, or after they had their chest done. some of them look very nice, they work out and are healthy and look very normal. it should be a source of encouragement when you see someone else whose gone thru it, and see them later.. they talk about different issues and problems they've had to deal with, too. its a nice thing, just like thie forum here, and the chatroom.. these are all good sources of encouragement when you're discouraged I hope.