I Am Living In Lala Landm But What The Hell. It Is Christmas.

[Guest KaylaK]

I am living in a dream world. Not bathing, and hiding in my apartment so that I don't have to shave or have have people look at my teeth. They look ugly.

The only thing that is making this holiday bear able is the fact that I bought three bras that almost fit, and I have been wearying them. I went one day where the only thing i wore that was the clothing of a man was my socks. Admittedly, I was wearings sneakers that were worn out something I hate to do, but I didn't get out of bed, and when I went to put on some makeup, I found that I had lost the pad or what ever the thing is to my foundation, so I stayed in bed for a while. but all I know is that when I got up this morning I had s beard, and the only thing that got me up was this web site have to admit, I like shaving my legs, and I like shaving my under arms, but this beard business is for the birds. Plus, I am not very good at it. I don't get most of it off.

I have discovered that I hate to bath. I don't want to see that nasty, gross thing in between my legs. It won't help me get the man I want. It of absolutely no use to me. I was ten when I realized that at least at home I would always sit to use the restroom and pee. My mom even acted is if that was normal. Now, I hate taking a bath.

Something is wrong here. They had to force me the last time I was in the hospital to take a shower, and I know that I cannot meet the qualifications for treatment if I don't at least do that.

Instead what I have been doing is wearing the bras I have and crossing my arms over my heart, and having this romantic fantasy about this knight and signing armour rescue me, and I imagined that we were married, I actually wanted to wake up and fix him breakfast, and I don't have a clue how to co90ok anything but e3ggs, and I only know how to cook them two ways. I use my stove for a table. what do you think about that, lol lol lol.

Yours,

Kayla

[Sally]

Dear Kayla,

I completely understand about hating to shave your face and having to wash that part of you that you wish would just go away, but it is time to start thinking like a girl instead of just wanting to be one!

Most girls tend to bath more often than most men - left to their own devices!

We tend to to want to look pretty and smell nice - check out perfume sales figures!

You really need to form a better opinion of yourself, low self esteem (a major problem for transgendered people) carries over beyond transitioning! You go through therapy, HRT, RLT, SRS and FFS and still have low self esteem. If you don't learn to love yourself now for the person inside, you will have trouble loving the 'new you' as well and if you can't love you, neither can your knight in shining armour!

Loving myself, even as I am, was very difficult and it took a bit of doing, but I looked inward and found Sally! She is incredible, a strong woman who is very self confident and yet still caring and gentle - she is beautiful, not necessarily in appearance but in spirit! I once wrote a joking post about what people wear where I suggested that I should wear a bag over my head - I got a lot of responces to that! The amazing thing to me was that several mentioned that I was beautiful and should never hide - I have never posted an image of myself anywhere as male or female! They have seen the beauty from within and know that I am beautiful, it works in person as well. I know that I must lose a lot of weight to be elligiable for the surgery, but everyone that has seen me dressed has just accepted me as a large woman.

It is simple to say, hard to do,

Love yourself and others will love you.

That's Sally's poem for today!

I love you and know that if you give yourself permission to love yourself, you can and things will be much easier for you.

Let yourself be happy, clean yourself up and start learning to cook!

You want to keep that knight once he shows up, don't you?

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Read what Sally wrote, please dear. And re-read it again - and - again

Kayla you have me crying for goodness sake - babbbbby - PLEASE feel better about yourself - PLEASE_PLEASE_PLEASE

I know it so hard sometimes- so very HARD - but we here at Laura's - we are go there sometimes, depression and - well... it just seems so impossible sometimes... it does

Please muddle through this - please come back to yourself...

And

And

You know you are a girl. You must feel like a girl right now - it shows in your post.

Baby - girls take care of themselves. Girls get very sad and depressed, but still take care of themselves.

Be a girl - go take care of yourself.

AND buy something new, like perfume - It is a wonderful thing to smell good. Get a sample of some really expensive perfume, not cheap stuff- beg for a sample if you can't afford those rediculous prices. Life can be soooooo good. Spray some at your neck and wrists - so feminine...

We love you dear...

Please come back to life in this world - and maybe that knight just hasn't found you yet...

[Guest KaylaK]

I agree with everything the both of you said. There is a free im progrsam that is safe to down load because it want hurt your computer. Still, what is really neet about the progran is the avastors. The are not only three d, but they can hug, sake hands, and basically do a lot of things that are more then just words you type on a key board. It really cool.

Well, I deleted it from my computer because my avaitor was a good looking man, and I deleted it from my computure and googled the website. Then, I reloaded to my computer only this time made myself a female avaviator, and at first i was rude because i want to dance with the young men that the computer set me up with, and they hated me. I was the pregnant dog, excuse my langouge, from their worse dating night mare. I wanted to cuddle and kiss with some music, and instead I made a real as of myself.

Then, i got to talk to this female person from Canada, and she and I talked about going to Canada and living there. I told her that i would thing about it, and that i would call the proper attorities ab0ut ( I guess you would call it a Canadian green c ard) and askabout become a legal resident of Canada.

There are two very good reason that I want to or tyhink i might like living in Canada. One is that i want to be as far away frm my comtroling mom as possible, and be in a more supportive envirment. the second is I think that it might be easier to get medical treatment for Gender ID Disorder, and that it won't cost as much. What do you think?

Yours,

Kayla

[Guest KaylaK]

Oh, and one more thing. Look at my myspace page. I don't have a clue as to how to as to be loved. What I am asking to be is not Happy Kayla. I sm ssking to be someone's slave. I was thinking of all the nice things I wanted to do for my knight in armor, and even though I wasa dreaming I never took the time to ask for something I wanted. It was all about loving hinm, and that is crazy. Rewal loony.

I am going to give you my myspace address, and i want to ask your help in showing I can love someone for real and also love my self. :banghead:

http://home.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user

[Guest Evan_J]

Speaking as a former knight, recognized gentleman, and undisclosed prince (<--yeah, I'm feeling just that good this morning.) I feel the need to comment on the situation that you find yourself in. You sound as if you have the woman within trapped in a huge tower This one's not made out of stone however but self doubt which probably led to incredible depression. In fairy tales knights rescue damsels from towers. In the real world however, all of the princes realize that the lady has the key, she only needs to know it so that she can walk out meet him as a whole person. Most women are beautiful if they allow themselves to be. The reason is that everybody is looking for something different. Whats "fair" to one is "magnificent" to another. And the odds are that if you put whatever is on the inside on the outside your "dream knight" can become a "real man". -And one who likes eggs

[Guest KaylaK]

OK ! ! ! Let's finally talk about the real problem. I have been avoiding it, and all of you can't see it because you never would have thought of it in the first place. The real issue is I have be serious codependency in my relationship with my mom.

OK, I was in a GLBT unit in Arlington, TX called the Pride Unit, and spent day after day talking about how often my mom abused me, and then after repeating story after story, bI would talk about how I loved her. Then we would resolve the issue and the next day I sasy the same thing about how much she abused and neglected me and at some point everyday they would ask me why I wanted a relationship with someone who likes to do snything and everything to get her way.

The real problem is that i am acting like a batter woman, and nthe only difference is nthat my abuser is a woman and not only that she is my mom. what i am saying is that I want everyone to be happy. I want to smooth things over, but that is not what see wants. She wants me to do everything her way, and I azm having major, major issue with her narcissistic personality, and I keep trying to say and do everything the right way,. I keep thinking I can make my mom love me, and time and time again I come up empty handed because she loves herself and only hers to the point that I have no doubt the she is guilty of commenting major felony offenses, and she not only says she has no regrets. She says that I am just bringing the past, and she won't apologize and not do those things.

It is crazy and I know it, and I have heard everything you all are saying, and to be honest, I have heard my other friends and acquaintances say the very same thing, and now, I realize it. I cannot make her change her way. cannot make her be the mom I want her to be. For some reason that is what my why Kastner family is about.

It is crazy. It is a miniature church with only three people in it, and they say and do things and believe things that even this ulta conservitive pope that is now in power won't do. They would be seriously excommunicated from early colonial American churches such as the puritains becuse they believe in,disown anyone that does not worship god, and yes I used a little g, because they act and believe that faqmilies cqab act as legal court and save every sinner. They claim to be christian, but none currently attend any churches because they are that conservitive, and even my uncle, the real ring leader of the group, says it because they get sick and tired of arguing about this or that, and I keep trying to change them, and I am having as much successes as the preacher and teacher at all these churches that keep kicking them all to the curb.

It is as obvious as the nose on my face, I need to kick them to the curb as well, and that is the issue that we have been avoiding with this whole tread.

Yours,

Kayla

[Guest KaylaK]

There is another issue, and that can be stated by the question that asks, "How do I get a job?" I haven't worked in years, and I have a real fear of failure, and that is as lot of the reason that i keep running back to mom. I need to be productive, but I asm scared. Whast do I do to get over my fear of failure? Do you have the same problem some times?

It is obvious that i have a lot of self doubt, but look at what I have donne. I have pklanned cpnferiences, wrote articles for the Dalls Mourning News and been published. It is like my mind keeps lying t me, and if i want to figure it all out so I can be Happy Kayla I will have to figure out what I am good at and quit this self pity.

The worst thing i ever did was getting on social security. i wasn't planning to be on it this long, but I am, and that is a real problem, I have gotten really used to crying woof because no one has found away to show me or prove to me just how talentws I am. It is crazy to say I need a man to make me strong. That would help, but what i need to do is come up with a major game changers. I am spinning my wheels, but i am not fiving up

i am not trying to say that this thread is crying woof in that I really believe the woof is there, and I really thunbk i am doing a reallu good job f scaring myself. I don't know what to do, but I( think I haqven't worked in so long that the my pride gets in the way, and even when I ask for help it doesn't work out.

I hope O haven't seemed to deviate from the topic, nut these are my thpights. I need some feeed back. The problem is that i don't want to be as house wife cooken and ccleanin, but I don't have any skills and I waisted aqbout $25,000 trying in every way to solve the problem, and it hasn't worked out, I don't know what a girl is to do. I need help, aznd I don't think I know where to get it from.

Say something because I am notmaking any sense/

Yours,

Kayla

[Sally]

Kayla Dear,

A fear of failure is within us all, but it is not easy to rid ourselves of it!

The trick in that matter is to set your own definition of success! I don't think that I am a failure, but to Bill Gates I am - not enough money, to George Bush I am- not enough power, to me I have what I want and I'm helping others - I am not a failure to me and I am the only one who counts!

The abused woman thing is just self esteem (just) you have to believe in your worth before you can break that cycle!

To let you know how irrational fears are Jerry Sienfeld told this story, "The number one fear in America is the fear of public speaking, death is number two! So evedently if you have to go to a funeral most people would rather be in the casket than giving the eulogy!"

Fears must be catogorized:

Fear of falling is good - you won't jump off of a bridge!

Fear of guns is good - you will try to avoid being shot!

Fear of failure is bad - you won't ever try anything!

Fear of being escluded is bad - there are somethings from which you should consider it good to be excluded!

Try not to be so hard on yourself!

You are loved,

Sally

[Guest Evan_J]

Sally gave you some good info on how to deal with your self on the inside. I'm gonna try to give you some info on how to handle whats "outside". The very first thing is you are right. You need a job. You need it for your self esteem and even you said it. "Need to be productive" really is just another way of saying that.

How to Do It

If you seriously feel that you do not currently have the job skills at this time to be successful working contact the "Vocational Rehabilitation" office in your area. They work with certain specified segments of the population to help locate, place, and finance employment training or education. One of those populations is an individual previously/currently classified as disabled or otherwise eligible under Social Security. You can identify either a training program that you would like to complete or even attend college and they will pay the costs, and support you if need be with teachers and/or administration to explain your circumstance and work to see that you will succeed in that study.

In the event that you do not feel thats necessary, (perhaps you are well skilled from your prior occupation and only have "been away without a good explination for too long") there are two things that you could choose to do; a) again, go to the Vocational Rehabilitatiion office and during intake make them aware that you feel you are ready to reenter the job market but require support. They will help you to become employed as dislocated worker eligible for "special consideration" from an employer. Many industries/business receive special govt credit for hiring a person previously on social security or social services so that they can be removed ultimately from those rolls. If an employer hires you under these circumstances they are likely to be more "understanding" of personal issues you face and not as likely to terminate you in the same ways as an employee not attempting to rehabilitate and return to the work force. The other thing you can do is b ) Go to social security itself and ask if you qualify for a "ticket to work". A work ticket -if you are eligible- will allow you to return to work and not lose your social security income until you have worked enough time to be deemed "stable" in employment (usually over 6 months). This will allow you to reaclamate yourself to the world of work and become secure in the job before removing the "safety net" ensuring you have a roof over your head and food on the table.

Once you have that job, set YOUR boundaries with mom.

Notice, I didn't say "talk to her about it". Set 'em. You don't ask permission to set your own boundaries. You let the people who want to have anything to do with you know what they are and if they can't deal with them you reconfigure your life without them.

If you need help "having the courage" look into a therapist. But in the end its something YOU will have to do.

I do take pm's sent by MtFs too. And I feel you cuz I got I got a psycho crazy tends-toward-tyranny malicious mean hearted mother too.

[Guest KaylaK]

Thanks everyone. I here you, aand you have help me a lot. This thread is dead and gone.

Yours,

Kayla