A Question For Everyone

[Guest DeniseNM]

I have a question and hoping that I'm not the only one who deals with this. As you all know from my posts I am happy with who I am and who I am becoming, although I do dislike (okay hate is a better word) having to put on the mask and pretend at times as to who people are use to seeing. The question is does anyone else wake up at times and think "why can't I be okay with who everyone else sees .. why do I have to be one of the unusual ones". I love being a transexual most of the time even if it is difficult but at times (like the past couple of days) I woke up thinking it would be nice to not have to go through all the insanity of being who I am. Of course during the day I get over it but it is still there, so just wondering if anyone else deals with this.

Denise

[Sally]

Dear Denise,

That is perfectly natural, we all want life to be easy and everyone accept us. It just isn't that way - we have tough choices to make and very seldom will anyone shoulder the load for us. We can't control what others think or want, we can only choose to be who were are or to pretend for the rest of our lives.

I choose to become me at whatever costs. Remember the people that want you to be someone else aren't really interested in you - only the you that you have been.

Love and most of all understanding,

Sally

[Guest Evan_J]

the people that want you to be someone else aren't really interested in you - only the you that you have been.

I need to hear that too.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Every day sweet, everyday... sigh

[Guest Donna Jean]

Oh my,

My old friend Ricky Nelson said "You can't please everyone, so, you've got to please yourself"

We often spend SO much time trying to fit everyone's perception that we lose ourselves...

"So often times it happens that we live our life in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I know it's tough........

Chin up....

Donna Jean

[Guest mia 1]

Denise dear, none of us are happy all the time. In one hours time I can be blue, feeling sorry that I have to deal with my life, and wondering "How did I get here" {, David Byrne}

Within the next few minutes I am so glad that I have male body parts and a womens wonderful emotional balance. They blend so well and with my nearly androgenous body I can slip in and out of each world. {Not that I am passing as a women, but thinking and emoting as one} That is a blessing... So yes the highs are wonderful and the lows make you feel trapped, but without these special gifts who would we be......... Girl you are definitly opening up.................Love You,,,,Mia

[Guest Karen-1954]

As others have said, you can not please everyone so just be yourself. For me, I got to the point that I could no longer live a dual life so, I transitioned full time. I lost my wife, daughter, job, friends and house but to me, it was worth it.

[Guest DeniseNM]

Ah man thanks everyone for everything ... you have all made me feel so much better. Yes it is hard and I do have to be me, tried to convince myself a good while back I was okay just "knowing" who I was and that I could continue to portray who everyone knew but that was a joke (felt like I was drowning every time I thought it). Sally you are right about the ones who want me to be who they think I should be that they really don't care about me. Glad I do have the people who do care about me truly (my wife, son, friends and of course all the lovely people here). Love the quote Donna. Sniff Sniff (ahhh man there goes the eyes again ).

I guess I have just been real nervous lately because I have been taking more and more steps out with letting some people know about me (it has been freeing and luckily well received) and planning on doing some clothes shopping very soon since I get paid on Monday. Also I start classes in just over a week on the 5th (OMG what did I get myself into ...lol). I also may meet a lady here in the sity I live who is a transexual also and I have talked to in email and once on the phone. She has offered to help me and has given me emotional support in all of this, but it will be the first time I have meet someone in person since I have accepted who I am and I guess to me it feels like another of those irretrieveable steps (like telling the first person - my wife - and coming in here and beginning to post). It a wonderful but scary thought and boy am I nervous about it.

Oh well I guess enough rambling and all for now. Again thanks everyone, ya'll are all the greatest.

Denise

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Ah man thanks everyone for everything ... you have all made me feel so much better. Yes it is hard and I do have to be me, tried to convince myself a good while back I was okay just "knowing" who I was and that I could continue to portray who everyone knew but that was a joke (felt like I was drowning every time I thought it). Sally you are right about the ones who want me to be who they think I should be that they really don't care about me. Glad I do have the people who do care about me truly (my wife, son, friends and of course all the lovely people here). Love the quote Donna. Sniff Sniff (ahhh man there goes the eyes again ).

I guess I have just been real nervous lately because I have been taking more and more steps out with letting some people know about me (it has been freeing and luckily well received) and planning on doing some clothes shopping very soon since I get paid on Monday. Also I start classes in just over a week on the 5th (OMG what did I get myself into ...lol). I also may meet a lady here in the sity I live who is a transexual also and I have talked to in email and once on the phone. She has offered to help me and has given me emotional support in all of this, but it will be the first time I have meet someone in person since I have accepted who I am and I guess to me it feels like another of those irretrieveable steps (like telling the first person - my wife - and coming in here and beginning to post). It a wonderful but scary thought and boy am I nervous about it.

Oh well I guess enough rambling and all for now. Again thanks everyone, ya'll are all the greatest.

Denise

Hey sweet - you are feeling better, it looks. GOOD FOR YOU. Keep us posted.

[Guest Courtney Hamilton]

Yes I am getting sick of the mask too, thinking of shedding as my new years resolution. Shoving my male self in the same box Courtney has been in all these years. Besides my therapist thinks my male self really doesn't exist it is just a defense mechanism I haven't let go of yet.

[Guest brain(katie)]

Denise sweety you are not alone in how you feel. I ask myself whyme all the time? How come I had to be born in the wrong body? But we are who we are. And every one is right we are never happy all the time. Not possible.And it does suck having to be one person on the inside and another on the out. But we have to make the desicion everyday to get up and do what we have to. After all who takes care of us women when we are down. Us, that is what makes us stronger than all the rest out there. So hang in there. We all have our good days and bad days.

Katie

[Sally]

Hey everybody,

Pollyanna is checking in with her half full glass, silver lining and bright side!

It's time to play the 'glad game'!

Don't be upset because you have lived one life and are getting ready to start another - be glad people born in the 'right' body only have one life!

Try thinking of transgendered as gender gifted - doesn't that sound nice? And so special!

Love yourself and how special you are, we are the gifted ones,

Sally

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Hey everybody,

Pollyanna is checking in with her half full glass, silver lining and bright side!

It's time to play the 'glad game'!

Don't be upset because you have lived one life and are getting ready to start another - be glad people born in the 'right' body only have one life!

Try thinking of transgendered as gender gifted - doesn't that sound nice? And so special!

Love yourself and how special you are, we are the gifted ones,

Sally

Sally - you absolutely DO HAVE a silver tongue - I especially like 'gender gifted' phrase.

I tell my wife that we transgender have it hard, but what about someone born with a disfiguring birth defect such as a cleft pallette (is that spelled right?). She said our problem is we look okay but really aren't. No one can understand our pain because we seem normal.

Hey - 'normal' - great name for a movie about a trannsexual - maybe turn the "r" backwards or somethin' - hummmm...

What that ya say Sally? - Been done already??? oh... never mind.

[Guest Cait]

Sure I feel the same way. The problem could be that you have been conditioned by our culture to accept that you can only express

your Gender through one manner of dress, more or less.

One of the appeals of being female is the many different ways you can dress up or down.

It would seem that T G folks tend to be rather creative, in general. I only continue to dress in my

"accepted" gender role to "keep the peace".

By now, you have probably learned to take for granted your acceptance of dressing up.

Others just aren't always able to make the leap. I find it hard to believe that other people have never wanted to switch their genders.

They really do seem to accept they way they are.

I just started to go out wearing make- up on occasion.

I found that trying to be both genders was too much work.

now, I just go for a happy medium.

The more you make the transition little by little, the less work it becomes. IMHO

You may feel like your looking up at a mountain you have to climb and it seems so hard and impossible to do.

I know the feeling!

Perhaps you could start wearing undergarments of your chosen gender all the time.

Once i started going out wearing panties and all, hidden of course

I realized that no one can tell, and i looked forward to being "caught"so i could tell someone or everyone i was TG.

I've told lots of people I wanted to change genders

The only people that have really responded badly had problems in their own sexuality.

Specifically men and women I suspect of being TG themselves or Gay.

One was a lady whose always trying to act "manly", being controlling and angry.

I did get yelled at by a guy who took me out to eat and degraded me the whole time verbally.

he said my "lifestyle" was disgusting him, and all.

I have no lifestyle.

and his girlfriend tried to shut him up the whole time.

she had met him online and he was twice her age!

like 21 vs. 55

lol

anyway, your main critics of being TG are usually screwed up.

In fact, your true Christian folks know that God loves people

and won't get into the hostile attitude stuff.

In fact, they are moralist and not really religious at all.

They spend time gossiping and very little on self-examination...

If they worried about their own faults, they'd see their own short-comings and correct themselves!

I'd advise you to see what you are comfortable with in being TG in public

The best of all things is if you can dress up and drive your car around with no destination.

After that, try clubs.

I have no car or clubs so I just do it.

I've become tired of trying to be any other way.

I really don't care if people like the way i dress or not

maybe they will take me out to eat or try to fight me in public.

lol

The only people that will actually try to hurt you are repressed gays or TG's.

Why would anyone else get upset?

at this level of curruption and violence...

can anyone really be expected to take these "moralists" seriously.

They are acting in the Greek/Roman

tradition of imposing laws to replace truth and justice

they have thrown out truth and justice.

and our laws merely try to replace the previous concept of right and wrong. I believe there is a right and wrong, but eye for an eye is just vengence,

In fact, the marriage laws only provide an opportunity for you to be taxed again.

The institution of Marriage was a tradition before G-d.

You can make a will and other legal documents that would technically make you married to anyone.

You can't always wait for the approval of society, is what i mean to say,

they are making it up as they go along and don't know themselves!

Once again,

If you get alot of static just tell them to go fight in one of the wars, or maybe find someone that reminds them of all the things they hate about

themselves...

oops!

Cait

[Guest DeniseNM]

Yes Liz I am feeling better. Had a pretty good weekend although had to work it (3 hours on Sat to make up for some hours on Christmas Eve and my normal 8 hours on Sun). I will definately keep everyone posted on what is going on with me. I wasn't able to meet with Jenny this weekend because she wasn't feeling well (has a sinus infection) but we are going to try and meet next weekend.

Sally I love that about being gender gifted. You do have a silver tongue and a wonderful heart.

Courtney I know what you mean about the mask and you got for it girl and keep us posted on how it goes.

Cait all of your words of wisdom are so good. I was already planning on going and getting at least one pair of jeans this week (got to figure out what size I wear ... OMG). Also going to get some panties and maybe a pair or two of knee high or thigh high stockings and maybe a t-shirt or camisole (I think I spelled that right but if not oh well) and start wearing them under my clothes. I already wear some nail polish, clear on my fingernails and bright pink on my toenails. I have got to get some new colors though.

Well that is about it right now and thanks everyone for all your words of support and wisdom. I really do love all of you wonderful people here .

Denise

[Guest Alianna]

Many times we all feel that its some kind of "act" or false feeling about what we are doing. These doubts can eat away at any self-esteem built when are passing and feeling positive. As much as I hate the rolor coaster ride of emotions about transition and where the journey will lead, I also feel it is still right and my path... anything less is not being honest with myself. I know that this too shall pass.

[Sally]

Cait,

You have stated my feelings so well on so many points!

I tend to hear things and remember them (I'm a musician) so when you mentioned "an eye for an eye" it reminded me of what Ghandi said, "An eye for an eye leads to a blind world."

You mentioned laws replacing truth and justice - even as a child I always wondered about the openning of the "Superman" TV series. "Fighting for Truth, Justice and the American way" Obviously truth and justice are not part of the American way or he would just be fighting for the American way! "When I was a child, I thought as a child". Some still do!

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Martin]

I've tried to find pride in being transsexual, but so far I've had very little success. Even now, years into transitioning, I wonder if there was really now way I could live with my past sex and social role. For me, there wasn't. Still, sometimes I regret (for lack of a better word) that it couldn't happen. I feel a kind of helpless anger towards not being able to have a perfectly male body. I generally hate being transsexual. Still, this medical problem of mine doesn't bother me as much as it used to because it doesn't impact my life the way that it used to. I am seen as Martin in 99% of my life. My body is much closer to male than it used to be. And so I can go on worrying about the rest of my life rather than constantly obsessing about my gender like I did in the early stages of transitioning.

[Guest Evan_J]

I've tried to find pride in being transsexual, but so far I've had very little success. Even now, years into transitioning, I wonder if there was really now way I could live with my past sex and social role. For me, there wasn't. Still, sometimes I regret (for lack of a better word) that it couldn't happen. I feel a kind of helpless anger towards not being able to have a perfectly male body. I generally hate being transsexual. Still, this medical problem of mine doesn't bother me as much as it used to because it doesn't impact my life the way that it used to. I am seen as Martin in 99% of my life. My body is much closer to male than it used to be. And so I can go on worrying about the rest of my life rather than constantly obsessing about my gender like I did in the early stages of transitioning.

See, what you have is what I think the "real" rational outcome of transitioning is. It's not a "cure all " to all problems. It not "magic". Its just being able to live with out being so far away from being natally male. Not natlally male. But the very next best considering you can't be re-brought into the world at age "I just got here". I guess I never understand people who don't like "as good as we can get it"physically because its not "perfect" if physically "perfect" is unquestioningly not possible.

I always think, "what if you could get the fully functioning male body, what if every mtf could have a uterus and bear children too" cuz even if

we get given that there is still somebody out there who will say "I don't care you weren't BORN able to do it " . And then what? Do you cash

it all in? See, for me, when I hear people say "its not good enough" what I really hear is "I'm letting the straight world take away my dream" because no matter what you did or had there are those who will say "It's still not the same".In which case, you may as well go ahead and have what you can without waiting.

[Sally]

Our biggest problem is in letting other people define us.

We lived the first part of our lives in the wrong body, because that is what everyone expected!

We can't be satisfied with the changes that we can make because someone else says that it is not good enough!

We must, in our own minds, come to terms with what is and isn't possible and accept it and learn to be happy with as good as it gets!

Natal males and females aren't all perfect either - don't let anyone tell you who you can or can't be!

Self esteem comes from within, not from acceptance from elsewhere!

Be yourself, it is the only way to live happily!

I'm through shouting now, I see what is happening to my good freinds here and I can see it as a mirror into my soul - I have let everyone else dictate my life for far too long, forgive me for being so passionate about not letting it happen to you, my woonderful friends.

To try to maintain my optimistic appearance, I will leave you with one of my odd looks at our world. Think about the line in the song and then ask yourself, "What if the 'Hokey Pokey' is really what it's all about?"

I do love you all so much, be happy,

Sally

[Guest DeniseNM]

To try to maintain my optimistic appearance, I will leave you with one of my odd looks at our world. Think about the line in the song and then ask yourself, "What if the 'Hokey Pokey' is really what it's all about?"

I do love you all so much, be happy,

Sally

Well Sally that is definately a strange thought but interesting ....LOL

Denise

[Guest Elizabeth K]

It IS what its all about - that Hokey Pokey thing - I mean it says so right in the song, "that's what it's all about."

I assume you heard about the trouble when Mr. Pokey passed away. The were putting him in the casket, and it got kinda crazy.

You know, first they put his left leg in....

And I gave up corney jokes for my New Year's resolution...

Liz shut up and go away

[Guest DeniseNM]

Ugggghhhhhhh Liz I think you broke that resolution lol but we love you anyway (more likely because of it )

Denise

[Guest Donna Jean]

It IS what its all about - that Hokey Pokey thing - I mean it says so right in the song, "that's what it's all about."

I assume you heard about the trouble when Mr. Pokey passed away. The were putting him in the casket, and it got kinda crazy.

You know, first they put his left leg in....

And I gave up corney jokes for my New Year's resolution...

Liz shut up and go away

Oh, Lizzy...Shhhh..listen..

I think I hear your car starting.....

Donna Jean

[Sally]

Lizzie,

I'm just glad that I didn't say that!

You knew that's what I was thinking but at least I didn't say it!

Well everyone seems to have kinda forgotten about how down we were when this topic was first started, we've come from the black abyss of self denial and into the bright and shining light of self realization!

I think our work here is done - life your life for you, others may come and go, but in the words of Buckaroo Bonzai, "No matter where you go, when you get there - there you are!"

Be yourselves my beautiful, gender gifted friends,

Sally