Girl friend trouble

[Guest Melissa~]

I have my consumption under control and have for a long time. My girlfriend is another story.

Tonight her messages were deteriorating by 9pm, contact was lost by 930. I tried to call her at home and cell multiple times. 1042 the PD calls me from her phone asking if I was family, etc. Since I'm not family they didn't give me further info. Apparently she's not really in trouble, but was binging at a pub, her brother was driving thankfully. Earlier in the evening she said a cretin that frequent the bar was making advances. That's about all I have from her so far, I'm not sure how this devolved into the PD getting involved...

She does over indulge. She's aware of it but isn't willing to take any steps to get help yet. She has given me permission to intercede when I'm with her, so that's something, but useful tonight while I'm at work.

Is there any advice for getting help for SOs? I've actually never dealt with a heavy drinker with control problems. She's fully independent 35yo, with no particular enablers.

[VickySGV]

Hopefully she got a wakeup call from the cops that she has a problem. That way there can be a solution on the horizon. If she has not gotten the message yet, there is darn little you can do, but watch out for yourself. It is when a person admits that alcohol is controlling them and making their life unmanageble that they have any chance of quitting.

You do not have to have major freakish problems in your life to become an alcohol abuser, it requires only that the alcohol give you something nothing else seems to give you. "The Buzz" which at first is pleasant takes more and more ethanol to achieve, and is shorter and less satisfying. The "lust for the buzz" which does something different for everyone replaces the buzz itself as what you are looking for.

Be there for her, and if necessary, get her either to an Alcoholics Anonymous program, or a Chemical Dependency Recovery program through her health insurance carriet. For AA, you can attend Open meetings with her, Closed meetings are for recovering abusers ONLY. The Open meetings are for SO's, Spouses, even children of the Alcoholic, and Oh Yeah, for folks that are having to go as the result of arrests related to alcohol and have other rehabilitation from the Juice. "Ndge from the judge" is the description for that.

[Charlize]

Hi dear, Vicki is right. You can't make her quit. She has to recognize the problem as a problem and then seek help. You might consider an open AA meeting you could go to together and see if it seems to fit.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Michelle 2010]

She does over indulge. She's aware of it but isn't willing to take any steps to get help yet. She has given me permission to intercede when I'm with her, so that's something, but useful tonight while I'm at work.

Sounds pretty straight forward to me. She either is the type who will stop when its a good idea or she is the type like most people who end up in AA (like me) who always can come up with a reason why their behavior that night was an exception to the rule..., or somebody elses fault..., or "you don't understand"... or "why don't you leave me alone"...!, and so on. The process of justifying alcoholic behavior is an art form imho, and can take years to perfect. Hopefully your GF is in the first category and not the second. Whether she justifies her behavior alcoholically will probably become apparent within a few months if you are alert to the phenomenon.

Michelle

[Guest Melissa~]

updates:

I spent my whole session with my therapist talking about this yesterday, pushing my letter release another week out.

The therapist said I should go ahead and "intervention" yesterday evening, get immediate AA and professional help for her. The therapist noted interventions rarely work, but trying doesn't hurt if the person can at least admit they have a problem, and my girlfriend does admit her problem, and for once seems ok with addressing it(she's never been in the PD before, but doesn't remember it, blackout took her memory.)

On the night of the PD calling me I did alert her best friend to her situation.

Her best friend has been hostile to my girlfriends drinking for a while too, she's on board and made an ultimatum yesterday. That was: my girlfriend is dry for the rest of her life -and- gets help, or it's over. That was yesterday afternoon.

Yesterday evening I did -not- manage to get my girlfriend to go to AA which is intimidating for me, since I'm not 100% passable and don't want to detract from the subject of the meeting( Never been to an AA open meeting but I've gotten the gist of how it goes.)

Truth be told my girlfriend doesn't have booze in her house, unless she's lying and a deeply more closeted alcoholic than I knew, that's something. The reason why is she claims to know about her own problems. I REALLY hope she doesn't have some nasty vodka stash.

I know her schedule is booked till Sunday night with healthy activities.

She did stay dry last night, that's a first, during our outings. She claims to look forward to no spending on booze, all good lip service. She claims she will start some AA meetings next week but wants to go solo, I'm okay with that (with her proof of schedule to keep her from boozing short term,) I haven't got the power to insist on professional or even AA help anyhow.

It's not ideal, I would think she'd have been okay with AA last night, and I did find a meeting, I had no idea they were so numerous...

What can people in AA tell me about following up. I'm sure there some sort of starter kit, that I know she'll have at least been to her first meeting as an ice-breaking. is there a punch card? check list? anything, or is the "anonymous" part include keeping SO's from determining attendance too?

Lastly she's had a ketosis smell since I've known her, how long after being dry will that take to clear up? Since she's not diebetic is that a reliable indicator if she slips?

[Michelle 2010]

So many questions and so few absolute answers. The one answer that is etched in stone is that you can't get her sober, she has to want it... And if she does want it, she will have to get it from fellow alcoholics who share their Experience, Strength and Hope with each other. If she is a true alcoholic it is quite possible she will hear other women, and also men, say things out loud that she has only thought to herself; things that would seem to be the source of shame and embarassment, yet the speakers will not be embarrassed or in pain when they say it because they have become healthy.

This is a process that you will have to step aside and allow to happen. I truly hope she wants what they have. If she does, she will travel a path that you can support but not travel with her, at least in the beginning.

I had a great fear of losing my loved one to addiction. An underlying motive I wasn't aware of at the time, was that I feared her loss, and the possibility no other woman would want a closeted transgendered person. Be aware of your motives for your actions. If you love her, you will need to give her a lot of space and not try to control her journey.

Perhaps she is not an alcoholic of my type... Maybe she simply needs to stop and will do so. However, If she is an alcoholic, she has the opportunity to become more complete and more at peace than she has ever been in her life. AA is a gift, a spiritual journey for those who want it not those who need it. The reality is that the 12 step way of life has extended into many areas of psychic and spiritual healing and is being well recieved for a reason... It works to make people whole, no matter what is dividng them.

Best wishes to both of you,

Michelle

[Guest Melissa~]

I certainly want to maintain an extended friendship, lifetime that is. We are not marriage material for our reasons and those are mutually known, but we are friends for limitless other reasons. I definitely want in both of our interests to help her.

Other important pieces of information for why her simply stopping isn't enough, she needs help:

Because she has let booze destroy a previous relationship. That wasn't a relationship to Mr right, but rather marriage material that just didn't want his kids exposed to her when she's passed out drunk.

It's been an ultimatum from her best friend. Other people that speak with her friend are on board (including me.)

She's avoided trouble in the past, that stretch is over when you wind up in police custody.

She has conceded that she has control issues, thus why she has no booze in her house.

Financial impact could be dire if she loses her job or transportation( no enabler friends like I said, no one to rally bail her out, it'd be couch time in no time,) but as an addict she thinks she's ok to drive when it's not ok.

It's affecting her tardy rate at work, her company is more flexible than some, but their patience will be extremely limited if she doesn't get treatment.

Regardless, for her first time ever Like I said she's at least agreed to get non-professional help through AA and has been dry for a whopping 37 hours. It's a start.

[Charlize]

Michelle has hopefully answered many of your questions. It is not up to you. She has to want to be sober. That is very frustrating for many loved ones who do not understand that alcoholism is a disease and not a weakness of character. You might help yourself by attending an Alanon meeting. They are set up for the SO's of alcoholics. It does help. There are people on this site who attend and have learned much there. Both AA and Alanon help us to grow.

As an aside I first came out in March to a large group as a speaker at a straight AA meeting that i had been attending for 5 years. I was hugged and accepted as the person i am. The only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking. We don't hold gender or sexual preferences against our fellows recoveries.

Hopefully she will find her way to an understanding of a problem. its up to a higher power.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest Eliza_S]

AlAnon member here. Melissa, if you have any questions, please do feel free to ask.

[Guest Melissa~]

I did have the two specific questions:

Ketone smell? Is it a reliable indicator for non diebetics of major slippage?

Any kind of proof of attendance to AA meetings? That's the free organization she's agreed to visit as a person of faith, but wants to go alone.

[Charlize]

Ketones are a possible indicator of problems but she should have a urine test. The smell is caused by the breakdown of proteins which is unhealthy at best.

There are no tickets or handouts at AA meetings. Sometimes court committed folks need their slips signed but that could be done at a bar. At my meeting we give the newcomer a 24 hr coin, a meeting list with phone #s and a big book. But again the only way anything will work is with honesty and a desire to stop drinking. So keeping track of someone will only get them to find a way around you. You have to go on trust and prayers.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest Eliza_S]

You can't check in on an alcoholic as to whether they are drinking or not, attending meetings or not, etc. etc. Believe me. Been there, done that. Try AlAnon. They won't tell you how to fix an alcoholic, but they will help you to find ways of living (or not living) with it in a serene fashion.