Megan, a Closet Crossdresser

[Guest UnknownMegan]

Hello,

Obviously you can tell by my post count this is my first post in this forum. I have read posts here before, and lurked in the past, but I finally got the nerve to post today.

I have had a crossdressing "fetish" since I was probably around 8-9. I call it a fetish because for me personally I feel thats what it is - it is an amazing turn on for me to dress in anything, even somthing as simple as a single pair of panties can get me going. I don't want to come off the wrong way, because I know for a lot of other people this is deffinetly not a fetish, so take no offence to this.

I am currently 20, and have gone through 3 major purges in the past. The first time I got rid of a lot of my sisters clothing I had modified to fit me better and make me feel sexier. The second time I got rid of a few items I had collected when I could get away from parents at the store. The third time was a little costlier as I had gotten a decent collection. It has been probably 4-5 months since the last purge I had.

Over the last couple weeks I have been getting stronger and stronger urges to CD. Today, I made a huge step - I went to the store near where I work and bought some clothing. The significant part of this event though is that I actually asked a person for helping finding something, and I went through a register with an actual person. (Previously I had used the auto checkouts at walmart). So this for me was a huge step forward in my ability to accept my feelings. I even went to Walmart near my house this evening to get some more clothing.

I am however deeply worried that once I gratify myself next, I will get a strong urge to purge everything I have just bought. I know I will get a huge feeling of guilt and depression and think of how to discretely get rid of my items.

So I guess I am looking for advice or thoughts on how to avoid the urge to purge?

I could also use some advice on how to discretely crossdress and discretely feel more feminen? I say discretely because I still live at home. Now my parents are not super nosey, but they deffinetly do not leave me alone either. I am looking for more than the wear panties under your clothing, because I am already comfortable doing that in any enviornment. I have access to a car and a credit card, so shopping is not difficult. However, my parents do tend to look at my credit card statement, so I can't go to stores I don't typically go to. And in my normal male persona, that is basically just Walmart.

Thanks for any thoughts / comments.

Megan

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to the Playground, Megan. I'm very glad that you decided to join, because I know that this site will benefit you in many ways. You'll find others who share the same feelings, find tips on dressing, and on fashion and makeup. You'll learn all about what it means to be a CDer, and you'll have a chance to talk with folks and share stories in our Chat Rooms.

People have different reasons for cross dressing. Your reasons are no less valid than anyone else's, and I don't think anyone will take offense at your calling it a fetish.

This is a PG site and we do have rules, the Terms and Conditions, that regulate what we can allow to be posted. So I do ask all our new members to please read the T & C's.

I look forward to hearing more from you.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Charlize]

Welcome to Laura's,

There is nothing to be ashamed of. That's easy to say now but i purged many times feeling guilty and hating my weakness. Like you i started before puberty and later it became a sexual thing that made me feel dirty. After marriage i was " mostly cured".

Anyway i know how you feel. This is a safe place to explore and find your own path. We do our best to see our similarities and not compare.

In sharing we help each other. Its hard to be honest about your feelings with others but i hope you will find and be a good ear.

Hearing your story i would recommend you go to a gender therapist or regular therapist to help you with your feelings. Face to face with a nonjudgemental knowledgeable person helps.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest UnknownMegan]

Honestly, I don't think I really need a therapist.

I say this because I feel like these feelings are caused because I have never had an intimate relationship with a girl before.

From middle school and high school I was very shy and had only a small circle of friends, non of which were girls. Because of how shy I was, I never approached or tried to even become friendly to girls because I was mortafied of how I would feel if they didnt like me. (The downside to being a smart analytical person, I put to much stock in the possible downside of a situation instead of just letting whatever happens happen.)

Since I have been in college I have become more open and outgoing, but being an engineering student there are not many girls available to try to talk to (seriusly, had a class with 60 people that had 3 girls in it).

I honestly feel that I am projecting what I would like to have an intimate girl wearing and being onto myself because I don't have access to it any other way. In this respect, I believe if I had a girlfriend a lot of these urges would go away.

Then again I might not be the best person to determine if a therapist would help or not.

Thanks for the replies.

[Guest KatyDesire]

Hi Megan.

You are obviously smart, and able to follow all the scientific stuff.

There is a great series of books by Dr GG Bolich, who has done a superb job of summarizing the literature. You will need to look on the internet for these books, but they are available.

Amongst other things you are going to find there is that cross-dressers have, on average, higher IQs than the average population. Most cross-dressers go through a "fetishistic" stage - I know I did - but usually this will ultimately settle into the "standard cross dressing pattern" - if there is such a thing. Repeated purging is almost always present. Unfortunately, all it achieves is to cost a lot of money! The pattern just repeats itself.

Everyone tries to rationalize the behaviour - little access to women, etc. But think about it - your issue began as a young child, in a pre-sexual stage of development. It is unlikely that this could be from lack of exposure to females. I grew up in a family of only boys, and went to a boys' school - I had the same ideas about where it comes from. Having gone through the literature, followed this forum, and done some serious introspection, I can see that I was wrong.

It seems that this is in-born. Like most other human conditions, including personality types, it is probably a combination of genes and outside influences before one was born. There is no "cure", simply because this is just a normal variant. Unfortunately, society does not always see it that way.

At this stage of the game, one would not be sure where along the spectrum of gender identification you might fall - it is a spectrum, not an all-or-nothing situation.

I think a gender therapist would help you in a number of ways:

1. To help you establish where you are along the spectrum.

2. To help you come to terms with who you are and why you are like you are.

3. To help you decide if and when it might be appropriate to "come out" to your parents or anyone else. For some people it is, for some it isn't.

4. Most cross-dressers have perfectly good relationships with genetic women. I am married (34 years now!) and have a wonderful relationship with my wife - who knows about it -and with my two adult sons - who don't. This is common, and not unusual. However, when and how in a relationship one does this needs to be explored with a therapist.

Read the various posts on this website - you will find you are no different from anyone else. You will find everyone here very supportive in whatever decision you make.

But please be careful - many people in this situation become severely depressed about it, with everything which can follow a depression. If you think you are depressed at any stage, please get some medical help.

Hugs,

Katy

[Guest MsGsptlsnz]

Wow, again I feel like someone else is writing my life story... It's amazing how we think ourselves as such individuals but these drives we have make us so very alike. Purges, urges, questions and the such. All the same for me. So trust me when I offer some advise from 40 years down this road.

First off, the fetish aspect of crossdressing. Most of us go through that. At first I think it's just because you spend so much time dreaming about it when you get to do it your body is so overstimulated by sensation that you can't help yourself. As you do it more often it becomes a kinky secret habit you have and that is a turn on. Then as you get better at it you manage to have that "I see a woman looking back at me in the mirror" moment and then you find yourself able to play out your wildest fantasies to some extent and that is a major turn on. It's like having a girlfreind who reads your mind and does whatever you want. But in between those high points your urges settle out a bit and it becomes less sexual and more emotionaly fulfilling. These days I tend to dress up and do housework or surf the web. I do still occasionaly get "taken by the moment" if you take my meaning when a particular outfit looks just right on me. Perfectly natural. Think of it like you are having a relationship with the two sides of your personality. That's how I see it at least.

Secondly, purges. They are real hard to fight when you are still seeing this as a secret fetish that you can't share with others. I kick myself for all the times in the past I purged. I had some real nice stuff from real stores that added up to some serious money. Then I got all paranoid and guilty so I tossed it all. But I've grown past that now. I've got a fairly nice collection and no purge urge for some time. Of course I've come out to my wife so the paranoia is not as bad and I gave up guilt for lent some time ago. It helps to come to grips with what drives you to crossdress and accept that it is as much a part of you as your other drives. In my case my father wasn't really a part of our lives and we were raised by my mother. I never really developed a true male personality and patterned heavily off my mother. I think that's why whatever genetic prediposition I had in the gender area to be differant manifested in this way. Since I accepted that expressing my fem side from time to time makes me a better person I don't feel that urge to purge.

As for your "need a girfreind to make this stop" theory, good luck with that. It doesn't work. I had a girlfreind who pretty much would play out my most twisted fantiasies with me, still I got the urge to crossdress and in my fantasies it was me that was the female. I still looked at the outfits she would wear and think "I wish I could look that good in that outfit." Your sexuality and your gender are not the same thing. What we are attracted to isn't neccesarily in the same package as what we see ourselves as. While I am attracted to women I am also comfortable in womens clothing. The two don't have much to do with each other. I can still be sexualy aroused by my wife even when I am dressed as a man.

I have never told a therapist about my crossdressing. I think that was a mistake. I wish I had started therapy sooner so I could have been more comfortable in my own skin. Instead I did this the hard way and spent a lot of time trying the wrong solutions to my situation. Crossdressing is not an addcition or anything to be ashamed of. Haveing said that the longer you hide it from those around you the harder it will be to come out to them later on. I've been hiding it for so long trying to tell my wife after 13 years of dating and marriage was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

Now I don't discretely crossdress. I only go full fem when I do it. I don't always do full makeup but I almost always put on some lipstick and blush just to get the mood right. I don't get much from underdressing so I don't bother. But then as they say your milage may vary. Do what makes you comfortable. That's the most important thing. You need to be happy, find what makes you happy and live that life.

[Guest Tesa]

Hello Megan,

Your post makes me super excited because it show me I've come to there right place for advice and whatnot

And that is beacuse I am JUST like you i am 20yr live at home and have a card my mom can see what im purchasing not that she stalks it but if she was puttin money on it she may notice a victoria secerts charge and we dont want that right?

So as for shoppin i do walmart too! But only for things like everyday panties, now here the trick though if you go to walmart and get i dont know 5$ in junk food then when you go to pay you click the cash back for 20$ and bam you have 20$ to spend at victoria secerts ,ulta or where ever you want and all your parents see is you spend 25$ at walmart

Also I do discrete CD mostly panties allday but at night i also sleep in night gowns bootie shorts and a tank top thing like that or even just a bra and panties. There is another way i get my CD out and that actully playin an online video game where everyone believe i am a girl and as such treats me like a girl its really a great feelin to "pass" and i can do it in the livin room on my laptop dont have to hide away in my room may not work for everyone but its a good outlet

I used to purge my fem cloths also but I think its because i was afraid that id get caught with it just sitin in my closet which after i thought about it thats silly its been there the whole time know one will find it because know one is lookin. So when you feel like you want to purge just but it all away in a box or bag put it in ur closet and leave it tell you want to wear it again its kinda like purgin but ur not throwin it all way just puttin it away i seem to do this in cycles of 2week so 2 weeks im CD warrior princess then the next im just macho man hope that helps you

Like a said at the begining its really cool that your the same age as me goin through similar stuff. If you want to pm me feel free ^^ love you get to know someone wearin the same heels as me~

Hugs,

Tesa

[Guest]

Hi Megan,

Welcome to Laura's Playground!

I had to look at your name a second time. Did I write that? Er... no, I was Kathleen in those days...

It's a difficult thing to do, to purge yourself of the guilt instead of the clothes. But, that's really a better idea. Self-acceptance is difficult when you live in a society that is judgemental. And, that is why a gender therapist is recommended. They can help you to understand yourself, be at peace with yourself. .

I hope to see you around! And, no purges, okay? Grandma Megan says so!

Love, Megan

[Guest Roberta-Belinda]

I started buying my own clothes when I was about your age, I was living at home with my parents, I used to dress im my bedroom. I used to shop for skirts and tights after work, I used to sneak all my garments up the stairs. I purged many times during this period and always regretted it. Thirty two years later I have accepted my crossdressing. Its such a release to express my feminine side, even if its in short bursts. Megan you will find that many will help you on here. Good luck and maybe you will get over those guilt feeling very soon. Above all enjoy your dressing and your female side, its something to celebrate and not be ashamed of.

i

[Simon/Sarah]

I been down the same road as you Megan, most of the advice I was going to give you Tesa already has. Get cash to buy stuff and when you purge put it all in a bag or a box and hide it away somewhere. It's been a LONG time since I purged but that's what I ended up doing in the end and it worked really well for me. As to dressing discretely I love wearing body suits with a padded bra and stockings when I'm not able to fully dress as a woman, if it's a cold place where you live and you can wear a thick jumper you can even get away with small fake breasts as well without anyone noticing!

With regards to meeting girls, get some healthy interests where woman and men both mix, here in Australia we have mixed netball and is extremely popular with lads like yourself trying to meet a girl. I've recently taken up cycling and you would not believe the number of single attractive woman in my cycling club but i'm already taken so......... Good luck.