Not sure if I should have my surgery or wait...

[Guest jordynolivias]

I'd posted this in the post-op section, but I'm not sure if that was the right place maybe? Anyway...

So I'm scheduled to have my SRS with Dr. Bowers on November 28th (37 days from now?) and I've been having a lot of doubts and negative thoughts about it...

I think what I'm most worried about is the fact that I've never been intimate with anyone (either before or after my transition), I haven't had my first kiss, I've only ever been on about 5 dates in my entire life, and I've never been in a relationship before (I'm 23, in case that's helpful.)

I guess I'm just worried that I'm having my surgery too soon (I've also only been living full-time for a little more than a year and a half) and that I might regret not having more experience in these areas maybe before my surgery?

At the same time though, I'm also worried that if i were to postpone my surgery for 6-months or a year or whatever, there'd be no way for me to even know if I'd be able to gain more experience and everything and I'm sure I'd feel stupid and regretful if I were to postpone my surgery to try to accomplish some of these things, but wasn't even able to do so.

It just seems like almost everybody has these kinds of experiences before surgery and I'm worried I'll regret it if I have my surgery before having done those things first ):

I'm just feeling so conflicted about whether I should have my surgery in November or wait and I'd absolutely love to hear any advice that anyone would be willing to share with me.

Thanks!

Jordyn

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[Guest AngelaA88]

First of all, congrats on pulling together the resources to have SRS - I feel like I might be years away from even being able to pull that off (and I turn 24 on Nov. 29).

I'm sort of in the same boat as you seem to be. I've never really done anything relationship-y myself even up until now, and it always bothered me as to why that was. I've realised recently that when I'd think of doing relationship-oriented stuff as a guy, I'd quickly lose interest and never see any point to doing things, but it's the exact opposite when I approach relationships from my female perspective - everything just seems right, and I can truly connect with the other person unhindered now.

Not sure if experiences are what you'll find - all of the experiences I've been gaining for the last two years have been mostly about my emotions, mentality, & perspective. I've probably never had any actual attachment to my body as a male, so as more time passes, I get more and more annoyed that I have to suffer having male anatomy.

[VickySGV]

You are always going to have time for relationships after your surgery. Based on your track record so far, unless you offer six million dollars for someone to change you back to a happy cis/hetero male , and it has to be done by November 15th 2012, your chances in 6 months or a year are not really improved short of the bribe deal, which of course eats into the 23K you are paying now. Pre op relations will not cure you, and the way I describe my iife is simply, that anyone who believes me to be virtuous with my relatively sterile life, needs to subtract points for lack of opportunity and my score becomes that of a nymphomaniac in a large town. There is nothing to say that you cannot have relationships with men or women as post op, and if it is with a partner who has your full physical and emotional trust and who is giving you open and unconditional love, the relationship will be heavenly.

I suppose there is one reason for me to hope you do bug out on the surgery for a while, and thats because it could bump my date up a bit, since I will be seeing Marci in April or sooner depending on crash-outs.

[Paula ult]

Jordyn, have you discussed your doubts with your therapist, it is normal to have doubts and negative thoughts, after all this is life changing irreversible surgery, if you feel more time would help you feel better about having SRS by all means postpone it until you feel you are ready, if you want a relationship get out there and meet people, you are young and have your whole life ahead of you to find someone weather it be male or female depending on your orientation, .i think everyone has doubts, i know i did, and i would be more worried if you did not have them, i never doubted that SRS was the right thing for me. I did not have the surgery hoping to find a relationship afterwards, i had surgery so my mind and body were congruent,

Paula

[~Nova~]

Same topic, same reply, talk to your therapist. You can't reverse this, so if you aren't ready, wait. What's the rush?

[Guest]

Hi Jordyn,

I'm on the brink of my SRS too - sometime in the early parts of 2013 for me, I think. And, oh, those second-thoughts are swirling about!

It's not the same issue for me - more like "Is it worth the money and pain to do this?" And it comes down to a very subjective decision. I've said "Yes, it's worth it" for the last umpteen years, but that question will still be on my mind the day of surgery. It's my koan for the year...

For you, there's that subjective decision too. Is it the right thing, not knowing what's ahead for you? Will SRS cure your dysphoria? Will your interpersonal relationships be more unhindered, as Angela mentioned? Or, is it simply a case of pre-SRS jitters? You really have to decide, and perhaps you need your GT's help in deciding this. The future, unfortunately, can't be predicted. For myself, I've decided that SRS will make my future more livable, and I won't look back afterwards.

But, as others have said, if you're uncertain, postpone your surgery until you're more certain.

Best of luck to you! Let us know how it goes, okay?

Love, Megan

[Drea]

Discuss it in therapy until these questions are resolved one way or another. Yes questions and concerns are not uncommon. this DOES NOT mean ingnore such. The real key is the answer to the cocnerns.

You are always going to have time for relationships after your surgery. Based on your track record so far, unless you offer six million dollars for someone to change you back to a happy cis/hetero male , and it has to be done by November 15th 2012, your chances in 6 months or a year are not really improved short of the bribe deal, which of course eats into the 23K you are paying now. Pre op relations will not cure you, and the way I describe my iife is simply, that anyone who believes me to be virtuous with my relatively sterile life, needs to subtract points for lack of opportunity and my score becomes that of a nymphomaniac in a large town. There is nothing to say that you cannot have relationships with men or women as post op, and if it is with a partner who has your full physical and emotional trust and who is giving you open and unconditional love, the relationship will be heavenly.

I find this comment "You are always going to have time for relationships after your surgery" really ignores the point and suggests in my opinion a reckless course of action based upon assumptions. The relations issue could come down to how one has those relations. What one wants with their body and I certainly don't know enough about anyone on this site to make such a judgement for them. I fully accept that in making such comments, such was your experience, but such doesn't necessarily apply to another.

An attitude of "have surgery now" and sort it out later seems like a recipe for potential dissaster. As others have said, it is irreversible so there is a need to be certain.

In my opinion, living in the new gender role, living full time has little relevence to what one's preferred anatomy is.

The very fact that the question was asked suggests two things. First that there is not a strong dislike for the male anatomy, at least not to the point that thinking about physical intimacy with the pre-surgery anatomy is something you wouldn't even consider. Second that there may be some ambivilance there and that while SRS would be a "completeness" you sense that you might be losing something. There are some other things that cross my mind but they are entirely speculative. Such things aren't abnormal among MTF transitioners, but such feelings should be explored. At some point, if you discuss in therapy, you will reach that point of readiness where such concerns shouldn't remain open. This is my view.

The reasons one chooses to have SRS should also be understood as well. If it isn't strong dislike of the anatomy, is the reasons just because it is possible/part of the process? Is it to be complete? Is it just to get documents changed? I seen all sorts of reasons.

[Guest LizMarie]

In my own case I have a mild dislike of my anatomy and an intense desire to be "right" or "normal" with myself.

As for dating, I am older and after my divorce is final I honestly do not expect to find someone who will accept me as a trans woman. It's possible and I will remain open to it but I'm not going to make my life depend on it. My own goal is simply to live my life as a woman, come what may thereafter. And in fact, I so dislike (I'm hesitant to use the word hate) my anatomy that I've decided I won't date until I am normal (post-op). I don't even want to deal with "that" as an issue in a relationship at all.

In Jordyn's case, I think she needs to resolve her questions and doubts before going forward. This is life altering surgery so be as absolutely sure as you can be. I doubt anyone is every 100% sure but be as sure as you can be before you go into that operating room.