Adult Onset GID?

[Guest TiredTraveler]

In reading other's stories here, I've noticed that some knew they were TS from an early age; others suspected, but struggled with denial for a long time or just weren't able to label the cause of their distress until a later age. Still others seem to have had some degree of transgender behavior or desire early in life, but had its intensity increase dramatically at an adult age.

For those in the last category, which is the one I think I fall into, did you ever have a sense of what caused or triggered the rapid increase in GID? It is tempting for me to say "it was always there and I just didn't notice" (which well may be the case), but my experience has been of mild GID that, about a year ago, suddenly became anything but mild. I can speculate as to why, and am meeting with a GT to learn more, but I wanted to ask if anyone else has experienced something similar, and what it has meant for them.

[Charlize]

Dear Tired,

We all are on different paths. My life and path has changed often. I've known before i understood and then given things up to have them come back slowly or quickly at different times and for different reasons and circumstances. i'm glad you are meeting with a GT. It will help to better understand and accept yourself as you are and what path to take.

Hugs,

Charlie

[VickySGV]

My GD had always been in a threshold level, but not active in most senses of the word. What kept it in check below the surface was a family that took the fun out of dysfunctional and had me too busy to even think about myself for over 45 years. It was a sense of self that I plain had no time for. At age 50, I did begin open CDing, even going out in public to Drag Clubs because I was beginning to be able to sneak a little "me" time into my life with my kids all in adult years by then. In late 2007 early 2008 all of my distractions that kept a certain parts of me hidden literally died with certain family members who passed away. My dysphoria hit me hard enough that I was attempting suicide by booze bottle and by psychiatric medications. A couple of months before my 60th BD I did begin recovery from alcohol addiction, and when that was ended I slid into gender therapy with the counseling team that had helped with my addiction issues. At the time I asked for help on the addicttion, I could not have told you when and what my first signs of GD were, but since then things I could badly remember due to the alcohol have become clearer, and I can see them for what they are and were. Now that I can put the puzzle together completely I see that it did not "just happen" at 50 or 60, but it was uncorked.

[Guest Melissa~]

Oh clearly my adult pursuit of my TS issues are because I "had" the rest of issues in my life largely taken care of. That combined with the realization that TS dysphoria was not going away. Without having studied it I was under the impression it could/would dissipate with age and had been busy waiting it out until around 5 years ago. I was wrong. Smack in my face is the realization that people transition at every age, and it seems ridiculous to put addressing it off until late in life. Deciding factors were I have no kids and never would have, my marriage was problematic long term(as it turns out my wife cannot deal with me and has left,) I have a job/career that I likely will be able to retain in transition, also job related, I have the income/insurance to support myself unless things go awry. I should be able to fall back on family support rather than a homeless shelter if things went very awry my sister is fully behind me and I am close to getting my first property/farm paid off.

[Guest kariann330]

Mine was a really messed up road to where i am today. I always felt out of place as a kid and didn't know why. When i was 19 after a joke that was very wrong, an ex had me cd for a week and even carried it into the bed and things actually felt right but i still didn't know why. Skip forward several years and after wearing womens underwear for a while it finally clicked at 28. Now at 29 im about 3 and a half months into hrt and not only has a hole in my life been filled but im also a lot happier

[Guest MsPerseveres]

My GD started to manifest in my early teens with some CDing and a few other symptoms. I actually had a strong desire to transition in my mid/late 20's, and suppressed it due to family and work (military officer) demands and expectations. I occasionally CD'ed over the next 15-20 years, and started adopting more and more feminine habits and traits and clothing, like exercising for lean muscle rather than big, wearing men's bikinis rather than briefs or boxers, happily getting my ears pierced when the opportunity presented itself, and so on. I hit the wall on vacation in January, when I took 2 weeks off with absolutely no pressure to do anything except read and think... and I did. Combine that with kids old enough to "take care of themselves" (all teens), a comfortable loving relationship with my wife, and some huge other life changes (loss of 75 lbs of fat, starting running and being more fit than ever before in my life, quitting smoking, doing about a year of life coaching, etc). Those all set the stage for Lady Gaga ("Born this Way") and Iggy Pop (poster of him in a dress, "People ask if I'm ashamed to wear a dress; there's nothing shameful about being a woman") to be the direct triggers of the start of my transition.

The loving comfortable marriage has gone away (final financials step is in 8 hours), but I'll be starting spiro in 10 days, my third facial laser will be in a week, and my GT has dropped our sessions to every 6-8 weeks since I'm comfortable and moving ahead with the changes needed. I've spent the last 2 weeks with a smile on my face whenever I think about the fact that I'm transitioning, or just think about smiling, and I NEVER smiled before, except some nasty fake thing that embarrasses me now.

Welcome to the sisterhood!

Love and hugs, Tami

[Guest TiredTraveler]

Mine was a really messed up road to where i am today. I always felt out of place as a kid and didn't know why. When i was 19 after a joke that was very wrong, an ex had me cd for a week and even carried it into the bed and things actually felt right but i still didn't know why. Skip forward several years and after wearing womens underwear for a while it finally clicked at 28. Now at 29 im about 3 and a half months into hrt and not only has a hole in my life been filled but im also a lot happier

What caused it to click at age 28?

[Guest Alex_Di]

I'm a bit different, I didn't cross-dress extensively apart from stealing my mum's stockings a couple of times

(I always loved how comfortable they felt!). I didn't choose a path of self-destruction, except perhaps for letting

myself go a bit. I did try to kill myself once though, I was very ill and the pain was just unbearable. It didn't come

as a shock, as I often though about suicide.

To me it's not really about how others perceive me (even though that is important), but how I perceive myself.

It's about my body and whether I'm comfortable in it (I'm not by the way). It's about my urge to express my inner woman in many

different ways.

I always tried to rationalize it away. Why can't you get a long-term relationship? Well, I'm just

asocial and asexual, even though I am attracted to both males and females, easygoing and not shy at all too.

I tried to drown myself in daily routines, like studying and working. I though a lot about people as a species, the

human condition, but I never analyzed myself, who I really was and how I fit into all this.

In the end it was a revelation, a eureka moment. That last puzzle piece fit and suddenly everything else made sense.

That's probably how Albert Einstein felt when he proved general relativity or Marie Curie when she discovered

nuclear radiation.

Oh, and I'm finally happy. Before this it was either unhappiness or detachment (I could argue that the latter is actually worse, since it gives false comfort).

I had brief moments of happiness before, but they never lasted this long, nor were they as powerful.

I hope that helps, TT.

[Carolyn Marie]

I went through periods when GID was stronger, and then it subsided. I think most of it had to do with external factors. When I began living alone in my 30's and the Internet was invented, I found it easy to shop for women's clothes on the Web and have it all delivered to my house. Then I got serious with a woman, and instead of telling her, I purged everything, and put Carolyn in the deepest recesses of my mind for 20 years.

Why she resurfaced at the age of 55, not even my G.T. could tell me. I think it was because my son had grown, and in the back of my mind I knew that if I didn't do something soon, I never would, and I would die a sad and miserable old man who never got to realize his dream of being the person he was meant to be. I could no longer bear that thought, and so began my journey to become Carolyn Marie. It is a decision, and a journey, that I do not regret even for a minute.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest LizMarie]

Mine did not "click" until my 50s. Why? I had been so thoroughly indoctrinated that everything about me was "wrong", "bad", "evil", "sinful", and "unnatural" that I fought it fully from the age of about 14 years onward. Now I did know that I was different at a younger age so there's that difference but I so internalized the crap from society that it wasn't until the last vestiges of that fell away that I no longer had a guilty excuse to torment myself further. I had GID episodes throughout my life but in each case was able to shove it back under a rock of guilt and then turn my focus to something else. In short, I lied to myself in order to be what I was not. When I was finally unable to lie to myself any longer, I considered whether I wanted to live or not. My decision to live was my decision to face my issues and to ignore the crap from society.

[Guest otter-girl]

Strangely perhaps, mine didnt kick off proper until shortly after I exited a long term unsuitable and restricting marriage. Looking back it had always been there. When young I didnt know what it was; later thought it a perversion; later still the weight of life suppressed it.

Its wonderful to learn more of who we are, but then comes what to do with that knowledge.

Hugs

Rachel

[Guest PhoebeJoan]

It was something I suspected and had inklings about as a child, but it wasnt a massive issue, just a few moments of confusion here and there. I remember having a real intense fascination with transgender-related things whenever I came across them though. But being a tomboy, and having the freedom a boy has, I didnt really think too deeply on it.

When I turned 15, I suddenly started cross dressing without thinking about it, it just came out of nowhere one day. It just happened randomly, maybe when I was sexually awakening I guess (about 1-2 years into puberty). At the time, I was ashamed about it and never told anyone. School became harder because of this, I started to feel more like I didnt belong even though I was part of the normal crowd with lots of friends. I started to lose interest in my male circle of friends. At the time, I still thought it was just that, crossdressing. I was now obsessed with 'body swap' things on youtube. I also remember feeling connected to the Videl character from DBZ. But around the time I finished school, just before 18, I started to think it might be deeper and the only clear thing I could see in my future was losing my family and getting the surgery. Around this time, I started to lose interest in cross dressing. From 15-17, I often took a 'breather' sick day off school, so I could be alone and be a girl. School gender norms were suffocating for me at the time I guess.

I joined the military, and it went away for a little bit mostly. But by the time I turned 20, it was starting to hit hard, and GID became that 24/7 thing. I realised that it was much more than crossdressing, that I was a woman inside. 2009 when I was 20 was a tough year for me, with my darkest moments of dysphoria. Just before turning 21, I accepted that I was transgender, and over the next few months the shame started to go. That was nearly 3 years ago now.

[Cyndee]

Interesting to read other's stories this morning. I as well have experienced late onset transsexualism in my early 50's. I always had GD in one form or another, cross dressed before puberty, I love girls and women a lot, I wanted to always be with them, I wanted to feel like them, I wanted to do things with them, in short I feel I have always wanted to be female. I was in awe of the tennis player that transitioned in the 70's, her picture on the cover of a magazine in our home then, I read the article over and over, not letting anyone see this. That is when it hit me that it was possible, but just a fantasy as I put on my sisters clothes in secret back then. I was able to push back on these feelings through many of my adult years mostly due to society expectations and my own denial. I went through periods where I thought I could rid myself of these feelings, but wow was I ever angry then looking back. I always seemed to have my girly clothes about, I could not rid myself of them for long. I would look at myself in them, I could see her, it was mental projection of my femme self. A bit more than 2 years ago, It just clicked I had to be honest with myself, I could no longer deny this to myself. I then chose my female name, a name that was popular for girls my age growing up, I sought out a therapist, was diagnosed, and began treatment. My life cycle as him I felt completed, I did everything I could possibly do for others as him, there was nothing left for him, my kids grown and off to college, my house paid for, my job very transition friendly with a company that has medical insurance that pays for treatment. The path became clear, become a woman, you need this Cynthia, you need it bad.

Cynthia -

[Guest Leah1026]

For those in the last category, which is the one I think I fall into, did you ever have a sense of what caused or triggered the rapid increase in GID? It is tempting for me to say "it was always there and I just didn't notice" (which well may be the case), but my experience has been of mild GID that, about a year ago, suddenly became anything but mild. I can speculate as to why, and am meeting with a GT to learn more, but I wanted to ask if anyone else has experienced something similar, and what it has meant for them.

It was always there below the surface. But over time not being able to be who you really are the frustration and longing build up and up and up. For a while coping measures keep all of that at bay, safely impounded behind the coping levee. But eventually the levees are overtopped and everything comes spilling out. Sometimes more dramatically; I describe my experience as being more like a volcanic eruption! And once unleashed there is no going back to how things were before.

[Guest Megan_Lynn]

For me I seemed to know something was way off about myself as early as age 3. Was dressing as much as possible in secret from then on. Early teenage years it got even stronger then seemed to tapper off a good bit in my later teens when my T levels rose a good bit. Was able to suppress it to a point but the constant reminder was in the back of my head never leaving me for more then a few hrs at best. Thing was even though I would dream of being a girl and wanted it so from a very young age. I though I was totally insane because of it. Guess I was very sheltered because it took me to about age 28 to even hear the word transsexual. The first time I read about ones story I was like OMG that is so me. It was then that I finally knew I was not alone in this. Since I was raised in a very homophobic environment it was my life's mission to act as manly as possible so none could see the girl inside of me ever. I was only after the break up of my 13 year marriage at age 35 that I started to go down the road to transition. It was the first time in my adult life that I was able to seriously think about my future and do some soul searching. Figuring that I did pretty much everything that was expected of me as a guy that is was now time to take care of me and my feelings for once. I took very small steps at first. Simple stuff like keeping legs and arms shaved. Getting right ear pierced since left already was. Started growing hair out. Then had ears each pierced for second time. Came out to my family doctor and she helped me find a therapist to start out my journey. While my the rapist was not a true gender therapist she was fantastic. She did consult with gender therapists and got herself educated about it all. I must have had at least 15 to 20 appointments with her before I even mentioned HRT. She asked me what took me so long to ask and I told her I did not want to seem pushy and wanted her to be sure before giving me the go ahead. Had my first appointment with my endo and was told point blank that if I continued to smoke I could forget about HRT. At the time I was a 2 pack a day smoker on average. Never did I think I could ever kick the habit. Surprise surprise it took me all of 3 days to quit cold turkey. It has now been 4 years and almost 1 month since I last had a smoke..For me there was no late onset of GID it was always a huge part of me just took me along time to get in the correct part of my life to let go of the lie I was living in. There was just so many thing growing up that when I look back it makes me wonder why it was not seen by those around me. The only one that had a clue was my MOM. I sent her a e-mail when I came out to her. My moms response was well alot makes scene now.

It is my option that alot of the late onset comes because when ones T levels start to take a serious drop later in life. it becomes to hard to keep her locked away. As well as looking back and wondering what they realy did with there lifes and starting to see their mortality. These are just my observations and are not any set rules.

[JenniferB]

It took me a long time to figure it out, but there were signs. I remember going to the attack to wear my sister's clothes (she had moved and stored them there for some reason. The fact that I can still remember the excitement I felt when trying on her clothes in the attic stuck with me all my life was a big clue. The only reason I ceased to continue was that I was afraid to get caught.

At about the same time I remember taking the bus to school (7th grade (around 12 years old) and noticing the anatomy of the high school women who also took the bus. I distinctly remember wanting to have their anatomy, and not my own.

For a long time I didn't feel gender dysphoria until I stumbled on GRS just after the turn of the century. That's the first time I felt strongly about wanting GRS, although for some reason I wasn't thinking about HRT. I let it pass, more because it seemed too complicated and out of reach than anything else.

It was a little over 2 1/2 years ago, at age 50, when I stumbled onto Kim Petras online. After seeing how she turned out it hit me that becoming a female, at least physically, was actually possible. I researched everything I could, including transition videos on Youtube. In less than a month I found Laura's. And I wanted to say there is more information here than you can possibly imagine. Reading thread after thread of real life experiences made me realize I can do this. Within a month after seeing Kim Petras, I knew life would never be the same. This is when "she" got loose out of the bottle, and I knew I could never put him back in. From that moment on my mind rarely doesn't think about being a woman. I will say the feeling isn't as powerful now after nearly two years on HRT, nevertheless the GD is still there, and I fully intend going through GRS in the next 1 1/2 years (hopefully next fall).

It is rare, but at least after being a part of Laura's for some time, I know I am not alone. From not even thinking about becoming a woman to full blown GD in under a month, who would have thought?

Jenny

[Guest DanaMarie]

Just curious, and this is rhetorical .... DOES IT REALLY MATTER? I am saying this playfully, of course

I know, for me, it wasn't anything specific. Sure, there were signs that I may have missed or perhaps subconsciously ignored but in the grand scheme of things. I have come to realize who I am, what I needed to do to be happy and did something about it

Therapy is good for flushing out things in our past so that we can understand and learn from them, just be careful not to bring them to the present

<3

Dana

[Guest Meri]

GID came on late in life for me (55), 60 now. 5 years "experience". Looking back through my life, I see signs leading up to this all along the way, but for the most part, it remained just below the surface. I strongly suspect the normal hormonol change (andropause), has uncovered GID in my life. We apparently are, very hormone driven.

I am coping, I have a different perspective than many here. Looks up some of my previous articles if you are interested.

-Meri

[Guest MsPerseveres]

And once unleashed there is no going back to how things were before.

Oh, yes - I think that I'd have better luck shoveling back the tide than stopping this. I'm at least 6 months from RLT, and I feel like everyone must know already that I'm TS, because I've taken on so many feminine behaviours and habits... But I feel like I can't stop, this is just the least part of "me" - and maybe that's why my ex felt that not separating immediately was just "delaying the inevitable".

Love and hugs, Tami

[Guest MsPerseveres]

Just a quick update, since I said above that I'm 6+ months from RLT - just met with my GT yesterday, and she said that her delays on the start of E and RLT was based on my expressed readiness. Since I was delaying in the hope of gaining time for my ex to remain my wife, which totally failed before it even started, there's no reason to wait that long, so I can hopefully get on E very soon (in Dec?) and maybe start RLT in the late winter/early spring (Mar-May timeframe?). I'm sooo ready, want to come out to everyone that I know right now - the only reason I don't is because I know that I'd put my job and relationships at risk if I did it that way.

Love and hugs, Tami Joy (or TJ)!

[MaryEllen]

This topic was lost for a time due to a forum glitch. We apologize for the inconvenience.

MaryEllen