Work and family

[Guest zizi]

I work at a bank, unfortunately in a customer facing position (I would much prefer to be using my HR degree) So I'm not out to them yet. I want to come out soon to them so that they might be able to better find a position in the company where it would cause less of a stir for the customer aspect. (I understand customer reactions can't be controlled but employees can and will be told to act professional.) Biggest problem for this is that our HR officer is retiring in January. I really have no Idea how to approach the subject now, other than I'm thinking of going to my manager and disclosing at the end of my year end review so that at least one person has an idea of why I am trying to leave that aspect of the bank. I really don't know.

My second issue is my dad (step-dad) my brother (half brother) and then that entire side of the family. I'm not even sure they are away of transgender people outside of the realm of negative stereotyped cross-dressing situations. Additionally they are overly religious and extreme bigoted against other races and orientations. It doesn't leave me with a good feeling on how to approach it. My mom has had a bit of a time dealing with me coming out but she's really put effort into trying.

Don't know how to deal *shrug*

[Sally]

I did not do well with the family aspect - my sister has come around to loving me and doing things with me but it took almost three years.

As far as work goes - I am a commissioned salesperson and I transitioned in the same department of the same store - went home Saturday night as _______, came in Monday afternoon as Sally - no big deal, even the customers that had purchased or talked to the male version just came in to do their business with the helpful, friendly salesperson that they had dealt with before - me.

Do not ever try to decide how someone else will react - prepare your resume for the job that you would like and present it - when you are ready - confident enough, tell them about yourself and see which way things go then, do not bother worrying about it before then.

As far as the family - do not decide for them either they might just surprise you - mine did, I had pictured them accepting.

Love ya,

Sally

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to the Playground, Zizi. I agree with the others above. If your bank is a national or regional chain, they probably have a non-discrimination policy, and HR can give you a copy. Hopefully it lists gender or gender presentation as reasons for not discriminating. These days, the "what if the customers don't like it" argument doesn't hold much water. Could an employer fire an African American employee because a customer didn't like being served by one? Nope. Does what I say guarantee an easy path, or that nothing bad will happen? No, I can't guarantee it. But don't let the fear of it keep you from doing what you need to do. Talk to your HR, and be guided by their advice.

No one can predict how family members will react. As we often say, hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst. There are lots of specific recommendations in the Coming Out sub-forum. Good luck, hon.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest LizMarie]

Reactions vary and there is no way to predict.

Regarding religious based bigotry, there's nothing you can do there but tell them and see how they react. In my own case, my spouse's entire family (siblings and her parents) are furious with me and don't even like to speak to me. They keep pretending that I am mentally ill, ignoring the fact that I openly considered suicide before coming out and now that I am out I am happier than ever before.

My two sons have also thrown religiously bigoted positions at me. One son barely speaks to me and the other speaks to me but calls transgenders (aside from myself) "It" rather than via proper pronouns. He takes any single negative incident in the TG community and makes broad sweeping assertions against the entire community based on that one assertion. Recently he did that so I sent back an article about a rapist and another article about heterosexual divorce rates being higher than gay divorce rates. He simply never replied which tells me he's refusing to accept the same argument made the other way or to think about this reasonably. My daughter, who is someone religious also (but not a fundamentalist) has accepted me, reaffirms that she loves me, and actually said she looks forward to my transition so we can do more girl things together.

So you can't know how someone will react. All you can do it tell them. My spouse last night said she was disappointed that I was painting myself into a corner and I asked her how was I doing this? My youngest son is the one that refuses to speak to me unless in the presence of his mother and then only to be polite. I am completely open to re-establishing our parent-child adult relationship. It's him not me. My eldest son is the one who talks to me about twice a month, just to go see a movie together and who refuses to allow me to see my grandkids by him. (He claims he is "protecting" them from my abnormality.) Again, I told my spouse that I am not the one who has partly closed that door and there is nothing else I can do. I told her to stop trying to blame me for the decisions and bigotry of our boys. She didn't like that because she also has similar views and doesn't like being called a bigot but if it quacks like a duck, I'm going to call it a duck.

[Guest zizi]

Well for the bank aspect the matter is just complicated in that the HR person is gone early Jan. So I'm not sure how I'd going to fair with a new person but I don't feel that the current HR person needs this burden placed up her this close to retiring, even though I feel like I need to inform them of my position. The bank is a pretty conservative local chain. They are posted that they follow all non-discrimination laws of the state as a tack on of their policy. Illinois is kind enough to include gender identity on their books, so legally I'm safe. Not to mention the HR department is afraid of firing people who aren't doing their jobs if non-discriminating policy could even be brought up.

As for family, yeah I know I can't predict. I just worry about it even though I tell myself to shrug it off.

Thanks for the thoughts.