Terrified of losing my family

[Guest Nicklas]

So I know I'm new (hi, I'm Nicklas - hi, Nicklas) and haven't even posted an intro thing yet, but this is the pressing issue that prompted me to seek out this forum, and I am not a patient person. So this may be a but of a crazed emotional infodump, I dunno. Preemptive apologies, etc.

My story, in a nutshell: I was born female, into a very conservative Christian family. Puberty was a horror, but since it was never discussed, I assumed it was normal for girls to be utterly horrified and revolted by growing breasts and starting periods. I was physically forced into dresses by my mother until age 12 or so, when I became too strong to shoehorn into them.

I wound up going into seminary and becoming a pastor. Did that for five years. Then, at 25, it all came crashing down when I "hit mental puberty" (still not sure what exactly triggered it) and could no longer deny I was attracted to women.

Long story short, I lost my job and friends and, temporarily, my family. It's been a slow rebuilding process until now, where I have a supportive group of friends (mainly my roller derby teammates) and my family at least doesn't talk about the "L" word. (They still leave books about the evils of homosexuality lying around when I'm there, though.)

So now it's slowly and inexorably dawning on me that I'm actually trans. And I'm bloody terrified. I can hide the fact that I'm atheist, and not discuss my romantic proclivities, but it'll be a little difficult to hide that I'm shaving and will no longer have breasts, you know? My parents are both dead (MS and breast cancer) and I so desperately don't want to lose my sisters and my aunt, they're all the family I've got left. God, I just don't know what to do. (Crying all over my keyboard doesn't count.)

I don't even know what I'm asking you guys for. Support, I guess? Internet hugs? I can't ask for reassurances, really, because I already know coming out will NOT go we'll. It's only a matter of time...

I just want to sit here and swear and cry. I wish I we're something else sometimes. And it's such a roller coaster, because on the one hand I'm getting less and less dysfunctional the more I accept who and what I am, but on the other life gets harder and more people mess with me, you know? And now I'm just spewing that rambly emotional blar I warned y'all about. Gah.

...Help?

Edited November 9, 2012 by 4 Charlie
inappropriate language

[Charlize]

Hello Nicklas and welcome.

Sounds like you have you emotional hands full. Most of us do. Especially when it comes to the people closest to us who want us to fit into their view of who we are. My parents have also passed which made that bit easier but i did go through a lot of pain with my wife of 41 years. She also has MS and i was afraid that my needs would make it impossible for her to accept my help and love. I have been very fortunate and we are wearing matching nighties now.

My son couldn't look at me for a month but now is feeling less ill at ease. It takes them time. Sometimes that is all so be patient.

Please read the terms and conditions at the bottom of any page. Enjoy Laura's. We are here so we can all vent to one another. It helps or at least it helped and still helps me.

Hope to see you around there is more to chat about,

Hugs,

Charlie

[Drea]

There is this impression many have which is that comming out is a first step.

There is absolutely no need to do this. This is about you and there is no need to seek permission or acceptances from others.

It is far better to hold off telling people until after one is seeing a therapist and there becomes a need to one is ready to tell. To tell early on one tends to be less emotionally umprepared. Therapy can help with that preparation.

Telling doesn't make things happen faster. Getting into therapy is the key to moving forward so if being in a hurry is a factor, start there and worry about telling when it makes sense.

[Guest]

Welcome to LP Nicklas!

A supportive group of friends is important.

Some times being true to yourself comes at the cost of loosing family. However this may only be temporary.

Therapists can help you a lot. There should be a number of them available in Vancouver for consultation.

Life is a journey take it one step at a time.

Huggs,

Joann

[Guest Nicklas]

Thanks all. Yeah, if I could get by without coming out at all, I would. I'll likely put it off as long as possible. Anyway, I'm looking into a therapist now, and hopefully that'll help get my head on straight

[Guest Robin Winter]

I wholeheartedly agree with Drea. Coming out is something you will do for you, not for them, when the time is right. Seeing a therapist, preferably one experienced with trans people, should absolutely be your first priority.

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to the Playground, Nicklas.

I also think Drea's advice is sound. My own experience confirms it. I began seeing a G.T. in secret, and received a lot of good advice from her. It also helped me with my own guilt over what I was about to do to my family, and that was really important. When the time came to tell my wife, I wanted to be able to say with some assurance that I was trans, and not still wondering. I needed that confirmation from my therapist that I wasn't just imagining the whole thing.

When I came out, I had that objective opinion of my G.T. in my pocket, and that helped convince my wife that this was for real. She understood my reason for the secrecy and forgave me for that.

My experience is no guarantee how things will go for you, and of course you're talking about sisters and relatives, not a spouse. But hopefully you will still gain from it. I wish you luck.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Drea]

I began seeing a G.T. in secret, and received a lot of good advice from her. It also helped me with my own guilt over what I was about to do to my family, and that was really important. When the time came to tell my wife, I wanted to be able to say with some assurance that I was trans, and not still wondering. I needed that confirmation from my therapist that I wasn't just imagining the whole thing.

When I came out, I had that objective opinion of my G.T. in my pocket, and that helped convince my wife that this was for real. She understood my reason for the secrecy and forgave me for that.

Excellent example Carolyn,

While you didn't say explicitly, I am sure when it was time to tell you had greater confidence, knew someone at least (your therapist) believed in you and that both this confidence and tips your therapist may have provided in how to approach the subject was a big factor in a successful outcome.

There are no guarentees as Carolyn says, but trying to get everything stacked in your favor is a big plus.