Total abstinence is not working, I got a new plan, anyone else got similar experiences?

[Simon/Sarah]

My alcohol habit is really bad. Apart from the fact I hold down a job and make good money I tick ALL the other boxes. Just last fortnight though my alcoholism has really started to affect my job. I am in management and you guys can guess the rest of the story. My leading hand employee whom I respect as a person and get along with very well pulled me up and confronted my problem just not long ago after he watched my alcoholism start to very negatively affect my job. He is not an alcoholic or ex alcoholic but he has recovered from a serious narcotics addiction and he argues / states that going cold turkey will not work for me (yeah I know treatment for narcotics is different to urine heads like myself) which I have experienced to many times to count. When I do have medication to sleep (which if I don't have med's I need booze to sleep, I do have what I need in the way of medication ATM) after day four WITH sleep and without booze I change for the worse, I get violent, unreasonably aggressive, hostile and risk taking behavior sky rockets which is not natural for me now although it was in my younger days. I function on about 5 to 6 hours sleep after day three without booze a night and have unhealthy amounts of energy the next day then I hit the booze really hard.

My mate has made me promise not to go to the bottle shop (which I have kept) and that he will give / prescribe me a controlled amount of booze every day. This is a unique situation for myself but as I have a lot in common with my friend and have a lot in common with him regarding his own life experiences I respect what he thinks. When I go to his house every night to pick up my four beers that he prescribes me I ask for my methadone as a joke, he generally laughs and cracks a joke at my expense, I told him I would not be around until seven the next day to pick up my four beers today (I meant 7pm and he knew) to which he quipped "what, seven A.M. in the morning". I find the humor really helps me even when it is generally at my expense.

It is hard to not drink more full strength beer or liquor after what he has given me but so far it is working. It is taking a lot of will power but I have not become the monster I become without liquor after day four (usually day three) and am showing up to work always which I often don't when I drink as I please because I'm still often very drunk at start of work hours the next day (I used to show up drunk to work often when younger but this is not so much tolerated any more in my industry). I'm only two and a half weeks in to my new treatment but is working better than anything else I have ever tried with doctors, counselors, and my psychiatrist. But am keen to hear if this style of treatment has worked for others? I know "horses for courses" and my situation will not be like a lot of others or what works for me will work for others but for myself total abstinence is not an option at the moment unless jail after being committed for murder is classed as an option after I loose the plot without booze. If anyone else understands what I have typed but disagree or agree PLEASE leave an opinion. I need to hear opinions that relate to me or have some sort of advice for myself regardless of if I want to hear it or not!

Anyone else with similar experiences? Please tell.

[Charlize]

Sarah, I am an alcoholic as well. Like yourself i had a good job running my own company but little by little i was run by the bottle. I couldn't sleep without passing out. I couldn't stop and yet there was no longer any joy in the bottle.

I have not had drink in over 5 years. i somehow walked into the rooms of AA and over time the obsession and pain has gone away. As an added benefit i have made wonderful friends and have a life of honesty beyond my wildest dreams. I even got to a point that i could come out to the world as me and now live full time as the woman i've always been.

You can still drink and go to meetings, many do. At some point if your ears are open you may find your path out of the hell that alcohol has waiting for the drinker.

Thank you for your post. It is because of your honesty that i am reminded of the pain i suffered. I don't feel that way any more and you can be free as well.

We have a trans recovery group at the Chat rooms on Sun at 9:00 eastern US time. I hope we will see you there.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest Robin Winter]

I'm not sure if I feel it's a good idea, but my father is an alcoholic and manages to still drink a controlled amount. He monitors himself, I'm not sure how he does it though.

On the other hand, my step-mother tried to do the same thing with her father, but he still snuck whatever form of alcohol he could find.

I think it really depends on you. You have to have a good reason to want to stay with your plan, you have to really wanna do it. I suspect it takes more willpower to only drink a little than it does to stop altogether, but I can't speak from experience.

[VickySGV]

I am another one of the recovering alcoholics here, and I agree with Charile on congratulations being due for the honesty and the admission that you have a problem with alcohol that you cannot control by yourself and you are seeking help for the problem.

I relapsed back in 2007/8 after 16 years of sobriety due to my gender isssues, but when I began to get sober again in 2008, I was hospitalized for several days for detoxification that was medically supervised. No alcohol allowed, but they did give me medications to take care of the things that come out in you as "meanness" which I too had. I had tried to do the "self limit" thing as well, but it was a no-go since my cravings kept up sky high, and I got even nastier that way. That is not to say YOU cannot do it that way, but for me it did not work.

When I left the detox center I was prescribed several days worth of a mild sedative, but was also enrolled in a "day care" program for several weeks (I had job sick time to cover). I never did use up the sedative, because being around people who shared my problems with addiction and who were also happy to be free from the prison of our chemicals that it did the job for me. It was also during the period of therapy that went with this program I was in that lead to my resolution of gender issues and the peace that has brought. I came out fully for my first time as transsexual to a bunch of blooming addicts!!!! The acceptance was beautiful.

Look for people, more than one to help you, and your road with be smoother and more certain.

[Simon/Sarah]

Everyone is different and what works for one person often doesn't for the next but thank you all for your advice, I got something out of all of it!

[Michelle 2010]

Hi Sarah, welcome to our little corner of the LP world...

Ya know, I also tried your treatment plan for cigarettes too. Controlled drinking and controlled smoking. I think the reason it didn't work for me was that I ended up never breaking the mental tether to the substances... I was always thinking about when the next "dose" was due, when it would be ok to have one... etc.

I strongly identify with the fact that when you quit drinking, life gets worse, not better. If the "problem" of alcohol is removed... and the problem doesn't go away, then alcohol isn't the problem, right? If the problem gets worse instead of better then it is reasonable to assume that the problem is something else... What I learned is that the problem is Alcoholism, and that alcohol was in the beginning the solution to the problem.

The feelings of irritability, discontent, restlessness are all fixed by alcohol for a true alcoholic such as me. Unfortunately, alcohol has its own side affects such as impaired job performance, hurting marital relations, killing your liver, etc. When the whole thing comes together and the solution (alcohol) is killing careers, marriages, and joy, but the alternative is to be crawling out of your skin... then the disease of alcoholism has total control.

If you are like most alcoholics, and I'm not saying you are, then the exhausting battle for control will continue as long as the tether of controlled drinking exists. It saps the emotional and spiritual energy, creating a gridlock inside... always battling, always trying to balance it out, like walking a fence.... Its a hard way to live, no? (BTW, that last sentence also describes my Gender Battle before I got real, lol!)

If controlled drinking becomes exhausting, or better yet, fails... Be aware there are many happy free folks in recovery who can show a different way of life to those that want it.

And incidentally if you show up at the Chat Room, no one will preach. We share experiences, how our lives have changed, and what we did to get to be the happy pretty well adjusted transgendered folks we are today. and we tell jokes and laugh as much as keyboard communication allows. We have had a few folks new to sobriety in the room lately so it can get serious, supportive, and loving. Addiction is a killer, it doesn't play... we help where we can.

Best wishes

Michelle

[Guest]

Sarah, I'm in the AA camp too. To people on the outside of the program that have many misconceptions, I can assure it is nothing like you think it is. There are so many warm and fun loving people in recovery and we don't have great difficulty not taking a drink. It just would not enhance anything in our lives. This is the place that I have found most of my most loving, loyal and accepting friends. I never dress as male in all the different meeting halls I attend for fun and variety. Don't get me wrong this is not my play time, I take my recovery very seriously, I do the work accordingly. It is though, one of the safest places I can be me and grow. If I were still presenting as male, I could still find loving people I can talk to and be accepted very well with no secrets. I hope I can plant the seed by loving example, that makes you want to give it a try. If you are ambivalent about meetings, get and read an AA Big Book first. Or call an AA hot line.

I cannot speak for every AA person or group in the world. The program is world wide, so somewhere in person or on line, you can get the benefits of recovery. I would bet by what you have said, that if you read even just the first 164 pages of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, you would find yourself in it as you are today. It gives wonderful solutions and a lot of the hows and whys of your problems living with alcohol. There is a solution, (which is very true) is a good section of the book. I'm not here to preach AA, but I do know that the first drink is one that takes me down, even though the effect it is not immediate, it is very deceptive. Going it alone for me is horrible, I found it to be pure torture in a loveless hell, the results never ever worked for me.

To all my best girl friends, I can give a kiss on the lips with no booze on my breath. To all my sisters and brothers in the program, I give a hug. To those that can still drink with no ill effects, I can raise my glass of fruit juice and say Cheers! All with pure love for each. JodyAnn

[Guest Chrysee]

Sarah, I'm in the AA camp too. To people on the outside of the program that have many misconceptions, I can assure it is nothing like you think it is. There are so many warm and fun loving people in recovery and we don't have great difficulty not taking a drink. It just would not enhance anything in our lives. This is the place that I have found most of my most loving, loyal and accepting friends. I never dress as male in all the different meeting halls I attend for fun and variety. Don't get me wrong this is not my play time, I take my recovery very seriously, I do the work accordingly. It is though, one of the safest places I can be me and grow. If I were still presenting as male, I could still find loving people I can talk to and be accepted very well with no secrets. I hope I can plant the seed by loving example, that makes you want to give it a try. If you are ambivalent about meetings, get and read an AA Big Book first. Or call an AA hot line.

I cannot speak for every AA person or group in the world. The program is world wide, so somewhere in person or on line, you can get the benefits of recovery. I would bet by what you have said, that if you read even just the first 164 pages of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, you would find yourself in it as you are today. It gives wonderful solutions and a lot of the hows and whys of your problems living with alcohol. There is a solution, (which is very true) is a good section of the book. I'm not here to preach AA, but I do know that the first drink is one that takes me down, even though the effect it is not immediate, it is very deceptive. Going it alone for me is horrible, I found it to be pure torture in a loveless hell, the results never ever worked for me.

To all my best girl friends, I can give a kiss on the lips with no booze on my breath. To all my sisters and brothers in the program, I give a hug. To those that can still drink with no ill effects, I can raise my glass of fruit juice and say Cheers! All with pure love for each. JodyAnn

Another alcoholic here.

I tried a variety of things like going to church, getting a drug at the time to treat alcoholism called Antabuse, switching from liqour to benodiasapam (in my case Valium, which for me was simply 'freeze dried booze) I tried detoxes and once lived in a half way house for just shy of a year.

etc, etc, etc.

The only thing that worked for me was A.A. Now there are many types of meetings, i.e. Step meetings, Speakers meetings, etc. They all have merit. I must say that like many I found those groups that seemed to have cross pollunated A.A. with encounter groups and really laid on the whole touchy feely thing only appealed to the worst in me. If a woman wanted to help me to learn to love myself, well Hell I was off to the races and back not necessarily to the alcohol part of my illness, but to the 'isims'.

Anyway, all I'm qualified to share is my success attributed to Alcoholics Anonymous.

And why did I post this as a reply to Jody and not Sarah? That was certainly rude, but to be honest Jody, you want to give hugs and kisses to your brothers and sisters, well what about us Genderqueers, Alice?

Bang, zoom. . .to the Moon!

[Michelle 2010]

Freeze dried Booze

Now thats funny right there, lol!

I speakered at a speaker meeting Monday night and told the audience that anything I said that they liked they could use because I got it from somebody else in the rooms.

The wisest things to ever cross my lips came into my ears in AA rooms. We all just rearrange the furniture a little to our liking, perhaps adding a few decorative accents along the way. The core message that leads to a Happy Joyous and Free life is found in the text and passed on from one to the next.

I think I will put "freeze dried booze" on the knick knack shelf beside the pear of wisdom I heard about those who go on the Marijuana Maintenence Plan: Its easy to stay Sober when you're Stoned all the time...

Odaat! (btw, gotta look up genderqueer...)

Michelle

(Gee, Wiki says I'm Genderqueer too!)

[Guest]

I booted this up on my way to getting dressed. I never realized how hard it is to put a bra on when I'm laughing so hard!

Gee Kitty, it is so nice to have you needling me again, I almost thought my trips to the moon were gone.

I didn't say brothers and sisters, you know for me it's girls first. Giggle.

As for you Kiddo, the hug is so easy but it is so difficult to pucker up when I grinning from ear to ear. Love on the lips! Alice

[Simon/Sarah]

Well I have not heard anything really much yet that I "wanted to hear" but I keep hearing the same sort of message regarding my addiction and that message is I need to get 100% sober for a little while or maybe forever? Another journey in my life begins.

[Guest]

You don't have to stop drinking to join AA. Please don't go to meetings smashed drunk. Go and listen and share and have a good time. We know it works for us, we just don't need the booze anymore. If you don't like what you get, we will refund your misery at any time. No one will bug you about your choices and the meetings are free. What do have to loose? Maybe the booze? The meetings are free, or throw a buck in the basket if you like. Things like denial and pride keep people from trying it and struggling on alone. Then later when they find the fun in AA, they say Wow, I should have done this sooner. Hope you find your answers. Hug. Jody

[Simon/Sarah]

I suspect you know more than I realize JodyT as what you post is a little to close for comfort, I'm really scared of going to AA but I think my fear is like you said and is from "denial and pride" and not from meeting new people or awkward situations that may follow after getting on the wagon and in the square but dealing with one of my last serious and last remaining demons I am now yet to get rid of. I have failed monumentally so far at sorting my life out but I still have the courage and now an enthusiasm to confront and deal with my own problems so BRING ON TOMORROW!. "If you don't like what you get, we will refund your misery at any time" ? I can't argue with that one? This Monday AA meets Simon/Sarah I can only hope that they are ready for me!

[Michelle 2010]

Yeah Simon/Sarah, as an esteemed philosopher of the mid 20th century said, and here I quote Pogo, "We have met the enemy and he is us".... Pride and Ego seem to pop up as a central issue in the program of AA. If it brings any comfort, and it did for me early on, the world is populated by nonalcoholics who also sew the seeds of their own destruction because of self centered behavior brought on by Pride and Ego. Hey, Pride is listed as one of the original Seven Deadly Sins. When I was 18 months sober i was at a meeting in which Ego (not ego) was the issue, and I stated my belief that False Pride was a Seven Deadly Sin. A former Jesuit pointed out gently that the Sin is Pride, not False Pride. So simply parking your pride by the door, coming on here, and getting honest about your fear and pain is a very good start at the healing AA can bring. Everyone here wishes you all the best. A common phrase around AA is, "they loved me until I could love myself...". Hurting enough to go to AA often leaves us very self critical. Acknowledging my life had spiraled out of control was very painful and I feared being judged. AA supports as we learn the wisdom of Pogo's words

Michelle