Not Stealth But Not Explaining Anymore Either

[JJ]

The truth is I have no intention of being "stealth" because to me and for me that implies hiding who and what I am. As if I need to be ashamed, and that I refuse to do. If someone asks I'll be open and honest with them.

But I find the longer I live a male life the more I avoid outing myself and sometimes carefully wording replies about things in the past. Not because I need to hide but because disclosure to casual acquaintances or strangers changes the focus of the interaction from just a man going about his business or enjoying a casual conversation to a trans person in their midst. I don't want to live a trans centered life. I just want to live an everyday life like everyone else. So I find I avoid saying things that will out me. Having a long history behind me sometimes I slip and something I say startles or puzzles someone. I have begun to just smile an enigmatic smile and go on as if it didn't happen. Funny thing is that most people just stay puzzled and won't ask. They pretty quickly move on and just seem to accept it as one of those things we all come across now and then that don't seem to make sense.

A couple of days ago my daughter and I were in a store and she went to check out. I hate standing around in checkout etc so asked her to pay for my purchase too and gave her my card. It was a slow day and the clerk had seen this whole interaction and heard me call my daughter by her name which is ironically unisex but on the male side. I browsed the men's watches in a nearby case while she checked out. When my daughter paid the clerk did a double take when she read my card which in my unmistakably female name. Then looked at me, opened her mouth to speak, looked again and frowned. She finally shrugged and processed the transactions without comment and smiled as she handed the cards back to my daughter. And smiled at me as my daughter walked over to me. She clearly didn't get it. Didn't figure it out and I wasn't in the mood to explain so she just moved on. That seems to happen every time I use my female ID now, People just ignore what doesn't make sense and move on.

Makes it nice really. I'm not stealth but I'm not going to live a trans life either. And people just don't have the time or real inclination to check it out when something does create an apparent gender conflict. I look and talk and seem like a guy so they just dismiss things that don't fit that.

Actually it is really validating in a way. Now if I can just start remembering to rush to open doors for women-especially older women-so I quit getting those nasty looks. On the flip side a few women have been making eye contact and smiling a very friendly smile. Always kind of startles me but I DO smile back. Startled me even more when that 6' bodybuilder walked around the corner and glared just as I returned his girlfriends smile. Maybe she's just the friendly to all guys type. He wasn't.

Johnny

[Guest LizMarie]

I think this is a sensible reaction, JJ. I've never thought there was a need to scream that I'm trans on every street corner and once I go fulltime and change my ID, I don't intend to mention it unless it is relevant or to explain to someone close to me. Society is cold enough as it is and I have no desire to make every day a battle about my personal transgender status.

[VickySGV]

A happy open smile is the best identification you can give a person, emphasis on the happy. There are places I do not "pass" but it does not matter because I am content with who I am and show it to others. Even last June when I still had my <him> ID, a smile and "yeah thats me" got things done, and if they remembered ten minutes later they had met a weird looking guy that would have been OK looking as a woman, it was no concern for me.

[Guest otter-girl]

JJ. When I was walking out to the car with my SO this morning there was a line of cars waiting on the lights to change. My SO laughed as a woman had been watching so much that she suddenly realised all the cars in front had moved and she narrowly missed the red again. Im not sure if it was the bright colors I was wearing or she spotted my girls jeans and fleece jacket and hat with a pompom on top but ... lol. I wasnt trying to pass but I was bending accepted rules where drab etc is the norm. I could let fear of this steal my sunshine or chalk it off to another day on the frontline

Hugs

Rachel.

[Charlize]

JJ, I know how you feel. I have to fight the urge to open doors or help women take their jackets off. I opened the door for a gentleman at the pizza shop last night and he beamed as he said,"thank you mam'. I do like you only bring it up when necessary.

On Sun i did a speech and presentation about our farm and had to explain my change of gender to the group due to many images in a film i used. It became a great teaching moment to 40 or so senior citizens but no one threw stones and for the most part they were asking questions about the farm and my art. Then a small group formed who needed more information. Oh well maybe it will help others.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest]

JJ, we don't owe anyone an explanation on "daily" bases.

Be proud of who we are and go on with our lives.

Huggs,

Joann