Accepting I'm Transgender

[Guest android]

I'm sure I'm transgender. I was born heterosexual male but really wish I had been born a lesbian female. I've had doubts about my gender identity since I was young but always been told I was a boy so I better act like one.

Recently I've decided to stop pretending to myself since I'm getting old and not dating or anything for a long time. I decided to take some tests to see if this was real or my imagination.

I scored 130 on COGIATI which is Category 4 Probable Transsexual

I scored 495 on SAGE which is Androgyne but Analysis is MTF in doubt about my ability to transition.

Other brain gender tests I've taken scored me 68%-85% female

I think I'm on the very feminine end of Andro as I do admit parts of my brain are male, but I think most of my brain is definitely female.

I have spacial and visual recognition of a man but not great at sports that require catching a ball. Not especially good at math even though I have a 140+ IQ. My erotic material is mostly visual which is very male. I'm not quite sure why I'm not gay or bi, but I'd say it just comes down to me thinking men look kind of gross. Including myself. I do prefer looking at lesbian material but straight works for me too.

Emotionally I feel like I'm 90% female. I've had to pretend to be manly my whole life and it's a lot of work. I've always been quick to get emotional and cry and had a really hard time not doing girly things in front of my male friends. I am happy when I could hang out with girls and do that stuff. I never made it a point of just hanging out with girls. I really have tried to be a man but it's just not the way I feel inside emotionally. One of the gender tests I took that showed just the eyes of a person and you had to guess the emotion I scored 90%. That's a female skill and I was well above the female average. There's definitely a lot of woman in my brain.

When I was young I liked to wear my hair long and was mistaken for a girl a lot. I actually really liked it. I tried to wear my girl cousins cloths when we would play house together but got scolded for it by my elders. My face is rather androgynous looking and When I got older my face didn't seem to change from my mid teens through my 20's. My face never really developed past a teenager look so I've never really looked like an adult man. I even got carded the last time I was in a bar when I was almost 40. That was a couple odd years ago btw. I am in my 40's so hair loss and some wrinkles have started to give away my age now.

Socially I come off as asexual and a lot of people think I'm gay since I don't pursue women and haven't had a girlfriend in a long time. Actually I think most people think I'm gay but I don't even care any more. It's kind of funny in a way I think I am gay because I'm really mostly a woman inside but I like women. It's too confusing. Especially if you try talking to a lesbian about it. Anyways, I'm way too polite and timid and don't even know how to flirt. If it weren't for some more aggressive women I've met, I would probably still be a virgin. I have problems in my relationships because women expect something of me I just can't deliver. I don't think I'm manly enough to keep them. I'm just a girly man and can't help it. Non assertive, timid, shy, most emotional things that are usually female traits can be used to describe me.

I recently read about the digit ratio theory on testosterone levels in the womb and I think it totally applies to me. My pointer finger is really long 80mm and my ring finger is only 76mm, so my hands look very feminine. Large for my height 5'6"/167cm but feminine shape. My head is also small and feminine only 20" around. I think I just didn't get enough testosterone in the womb to turn me completely into a boy. I feel like I'm stuck in between. I do have a man's body and damn this disgusting hair all over. I hate it.

I did do some cross dressing when I was a teenager but never went all the way with makeup and dress. It was just my sisters lingerie most the time and with a miniskirt a few times. Always in private when there was no chance of getting caught. At some point I decided I had to stop before I let it get out of hand. My friends would not have understood and it would end up causing me a lot of trouble. I'm considering doing it again though with makeup, wig, and cloths this time. At the very minimum I'm curious at seeing myself like that. It might tell me what I should do in the future.

So what do I do with myself? I wish I could be a woman but I don't want to freak out everyone I know. I'd have be able to pull it off well or I wouldn't even try. I also have this big fear of not having orgasms the same any more. My sex life is a lonely one but it's regular and the O is quite good. That is one thing I can count on and don't want to mess it up. I wouldn't want to go half way either. If I'm gonna be half way I'll just keep it all in my brain. I also don't like the idea of guys hitting on me... So I guess I have a lot of issues. I'm thinking hormones and SRS is probably not right for me but what do I do? How do I go about finding that right person that can accept who I am?

Comments and advice are very welcome.

Thanks

The Paranoid Android

________________________________________

Your COGIATI result value is: 130 Which means that you fall within the following category:

COGIATI classification FOUR, PROBABLE TRANSSEXUAL

________________________________________

S.A.G.E. Test Results

Your Raw Score is: 495, which indicates that overall you are Androgynous

Your appearance is Masculine

Your brain processes are mostly that of a Androgynous person.

You appear to socialize in a feminine manner.

You believe you have major conflicts about your gender identity.

You indicated your were born Male.

ANALYSIS:

Male to Female Transsexual in doubt about your ability to successfully transition.

[Charlize]

Hi Dear, Your story is not unusual here. Many of us have shared most if not all of your feelings at some point. I would be a good idea for you to see a gender therapist,GT. I did that after being her for some time and it helped me find the path i'm now on. Reading and posting here can help as well and also played a roll especially in finding that i was not alone!

I transitioned at 64 years of age so don't feel too old. We all are on different paths at different speeds. Enjoy yours.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest]

Thanks for sharing some really cool stuff. It seems like you are discovering yourself, maybe much more than most people do. So you don't fit exactly in the squares of the pink and blue checkerboard? Now what? Be you! Maybe relax for a while on your journey. Explore yourself, with new knowledge and information. The Forum is fun and very helpful in that respect.

Charlie is right, for the most part we travel the same path as you. It can get overwhelming, having to juggle between living in society and living within ourselves. At a crossroad and confused? Just ask, or search older threads and posts. Many loving people here point me in the right direction. You have found a really neat place that people like you hang out. So welcome.

'We all are on different paths at different speeds. Enjoy yours." Ditto again to Charlie. My path has sped up over years, now that I know who I am. You will know the answers soon enough.

Hug. Jody

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Android,

<<< hug >>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna