how do i know for sure that i am a transman

[Guest jackson48]

Hi, im new here, but i am 18 years old and bio female. im having trouble knowing if i truly am transgender. i know that i am the only one who can say for sure, but could you guys let me know what you think

Reasons why i think i am:

-cried when i put my first bra on and threw a fit

-cried when i got my period and tried to hide the fact that i got it

-chose the male when playing computer games

-made a few of my dolls into boys

-pretended to pee standing up (never actually tried)

-wanted a flat chest as soon as puberty

-most friends were boys from ages 8-12

-cried every time i tried on girl clothes to buy, ages 10-14

-never thought of wearing makeup or perfume, didnt shave until friends started making fun of me

-wished i would get breast cancer and have to remove them

-didnt know how to answer male or female in second grade

Reasons why i think im not:

-i played with dolls (and cars)

-i was shy and girly when i was little

-i never said anything about this until now

-im tiny

-my grandma calls me feminine and pretty

-i never mined wearing dresses until i got older

i also feel like i could never pass as a man. im short and look like a girl. im afraid that even with taking testosterone that i will never actually look like a man. im also afraid that i will transition and it wont be what i need. that i will still be unhappy. ive been binding for the past few months and i absolutely love it. i wouldnt think of going out without binding. i was raised by my grandma and she thinks that i was molested and that that is why im not happy as a girl. i want to be seen as guy, but i dont know how it would feel if i actually was. i dont like it when people call me lady, or a girl. also ive chosen a name and i really like thinking about it referring to me. its jackson by the way

thanks

[Flint]

-cried when i put my first bra on and threw a fit

-cried when i got my period and tried to hide the fact that i got it

-chose the male when playing computer games

-made a few of my dolls into boys

-pretended to pee standing up (never actually tried)

-wanted a flat chest as soon as puberty

-most friends were boys from ages 8-12

-cried every time i tried on girl clothes to buy, ages 10-14

-never thought of wearing makeup or perfume, didnt shave until friends started making fun of me

-wished i would get breast cancer and have to remove them

-didnt know how to answer male or female in second grade

Reasons why i think im not:

-i played with dolls (and cars)

-i was shy and girly when i was little

-i never said anything about this until now

-im tiny

-my grandma calls me feminine and pretty

-i never mined wearing dresses until i got older

Wlecome to the board Jackson.

Well I guess you have to ask yourself WHY you cried about the bra and the period. And ask yourself WHY you feel the way do you do. Is it that your a tomboy? Do you for some reason have an issue with feminine attire just because you have issues with being female? What is your own self image? By that I don't mean the person you see in the mirror, I mean the person you think of yourself as in your mind, the person you see yourself growing into.

Playing with dolls as a kid doesn't really suggest you are not trans or are trans, in other words it doesn't really matter. I played with dolls, though I was ALWAYS the father of the kid never the mother. I played roll playing games on the rare occasions I had actual friends and again I always played the males.

I was shy when little, in fact so extremely shy I was almost mute in a public environment. I was also tiny

I'm still short now.

When I was 15 I was in hospital and a psychiatrist funnily enough asked me randomly, after asking about my sexuality if I'd ever felt like a boy 'trapped in the wrong body' and looking back now I don't think I can ever understand why I replied with "no" I completely forgot about the question she'd asked till I started to truly understand what being a transsexual meant. I guess I just didn't understand what she meant when she asked that at the time, a psychiatrist asks you that when you don't understand anything about it?...basically what I'm trying to say...The fact you haven't said anything till now also doesn't mean you're not trans or that you are trans. All it means is you've only just started to understand what it means. Most of us don't understand why we feel the way we feel till one day we come across the information and have a bit of an "ah ha" moment.

one thing that really helped me understand myself was to try to imagine myself how I wanted to be in the present, future and how I wished the past had panned out. Each time I imagined myself as male I'd often try to see myself as female just to see what it felt like, to try and make sense of it and for the life of me I couldn't get a proper image in my head at all, I just couldn't imagine myself in the female form living a life what so ever. Looking into the past I'd fantasize in my head that I was born a normal boy and so on.

Hope this helps you.

[Guest Angel Heart]

Dude, you're a man!

At least that's what I think. Only you will know the true answer.

But I can tell you: you seem more gender dysphoric than me - my dysphoria is pretty mild, but it's there.

[Carolyn Marie]

Jackson, you are the victim of the same stereotyping of gender roles that we were all subject to as we grew up. Boys play with certain toys, girls play with other toys. Boys are aggressive, girls aren't. Boys like sports, girls like to play dress up and have parties. Yadda, yadda, yadda.

Doing traditionally girl things in childhood doesn't mean you aren't trans, and if you liked doing all the traditionally male things it wouldn't mean you are. Behaviors are learned through socialization. Having gender dysphoria is innate, it is who you believe you are, and isn't learned and can't be unlearned.

The only person who will know for sure whether you are trans is you, often with the aid of a gender therapist. No one, not any of us, can tell for sure. You will often hear us say that this is a journey, and journey's take time and effort to complete. Have patience, learn, talk to others, explore your feelings, and when you can, see a G.T. Your journey is just beginning, Jackson. Enjoy the ride.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Lupi]

I remember making one of my bratz dolls into a dude... Good times.

[Guest aleon515]

I agree with some of the other posters. Playing with dolls or other girl toys doesn't mean anything. The other kind of thing that doesn't matter is how aggressive you are. Being pretty or small is likewise irrelevant.

I agree re: talking to a gender therapist. Sounds like a good plan. You sound like you share characteristics of a lot of us-- getting upset re: puberty changes; wanting to present male; disliking your chest; etc.

--Jay J

[Carolyn Marie]

One point I failed to address is being short. I was born male, but my genetics made me short. I've never been taller than 5'3", and I've done all right with my life. My 19 year old son is 5'4" (yup, chip off the old Blockhead ), and he not only has more friends than I can count, he's had two, count 'em two, drop dead gorgeous girlfriends.

It isn't what you can reach that matters. It's what you reach for.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Clair Dufour]

The here and now and how you feel about yourself is what is important. Seeing a GT is always a good thing to do. Also at your age you can go and meet transmen and other masculine women face to face and see what works for you. Even if your in Southern Ill there are places like Carbondale that have a large LGBT community.

[Guest jackson48]

thanks everyone for your input. Carolyn, what you said about you and your sons height really made me feel better about myself, thank you

[Carolyn Marie]

Carolyn, what you said about you and your sons height really made me feel better about myself, thank you

And your comment, Jackson, made my day. Thank you.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest barton]

Like you said, only you can say for sure whether your trans or not. Or even to what extent (gender fluid rather than transsexual). Looking into a GT might help, if that's something that works for you.

As for the reasons why you think you can't be a transman, well.

- i played with dolls (and cars)

So did I. Really, I played with anything though. Barbies, GI Joes, stuffed toys. What you played with really doesn't matter though. The idea that only girls play with dolls and boys only play with hot wheels is stereotypical and just not true.

-i was shy and girly when i was little

I was and still am extremely shy. That's not exactly a strickly female trait. As for being 'girly,' I had my moments. Still do. Doesn't make me any less of a guy.

-i never said anything about this until now

While I may have subconsciously knew there was something up with me since I was kid, I didn't start to figure things out until I was nineteen or twenty. Before then I just thought I was a big tomboy. My brain simply hadn't made the connection to possibility of being trans. And there are a lot of people out there who, for whatever reason, don't say or figure things out until later in life.

-im tiny

I'm 5'1". 5'2" with a good pair of shoes. Don't let tv and movies fool you. Not all bioguys are 6ft+ Adonises.

-my grandma calls me feminine and pretty

Yea, and so is Chris Colfer.

-i never mined wearing dresses until i got older.

Neither did I. True part of my reasons for liking dresses when I was little was because my sister absolutely hated them. So I'd insist we'd have to wear dresses for such and such event/day/whatever, just to irritate her. And I can totally see myself getting 'dressed up' after having surgery. Nothing wrong with a little crossdressing now or then.

[Guest Robin Winter]

I played with "boy" toys when I was young. That's what they got me I also loved climbing trees and building forts and catching snakes and getting dirty. And if I still lived out in a rural area, I'm willing to bet my daughter would love doing all the same things. That being said, I also had a fascination with my sisters things, like the easy bake oven, the barbie swimming pool, etc, but of course I did what was expected of me. If all of the toys had been available to me, I would have played with all of them. The concept of "Girl toys" and "Boy toys" is silly. Kids love toys, period.

[JJ]

Just a note about transitioning-and it is definitely something to see a GT about and be ready first-but I was considered very beautiful when young. Had a very feminine figure though also male skeletal proportions in relation to arm & leg length to torso, head size etc .The estrogen in my system gave me very feminine development on top of it. I have been admired by famous producers and turned down tv parts as well as modeling offers from companies-not sleezy individuals-though there were of course that type too. Hated all of it but not ever seen as masculine or anything except by those who knew me very well. Yet after transitioning starting at age 63 I am now universally seen as male. I'm just 5/5" -not tall by any standard. No one seems to notice or care.

It has reached a point where I have been flirted with by gay guys and straight women and if I have to use my still female id and clearly female birth name-as I did for a new prescription at a local pharmacy just yesterday-they do a double take usually. Look again and keep saying "Sir" despite the evidence. I have noticed that even being a transman myself it can be difficult to spot another transman. I have not been misgendered by anyone who didn't know me before in ages. If that can happen to me at 65 just think what your possibilities may be. I don't look like I would had I been born male bodied and no use telling myself I do or grieving over what I can't change now-but I do look like a natal male apparently. And it feels so much better when I catch a glimpse of myself.

My life just feels right now in a way it never did before in spite of having to reintegrate my identity and re-socialize in many ways this late in life. I envy how much easier it will all be for those who are younger. Without so much hard work to undo and so much conditioning to overcome. But i'm doing it and it's worth every second.

My advise would be to see a GT so you don't waste years wondering and fighting yourself and then be whoever you are. Being true to yourself is everything every cliche says it is. Worth any price because it is the only way to be truly alive and live your life in my observation

[Sally]

How can you be sure?

You have the right set up - you are female from birth and yet you long to be a male - uncertainty is a sign of thinking.

Forget about liking to play with dolls and not having talked about all of this before - get to a therapist trained in Gender Identity issues and let them help you sort it all out.

It will not make your situation in life suddenly better - only make you feel better about yourself if you are a male and that feeling is tremendous.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Angel Heart]

It may have been stressed enough already, but I'll do a little more...

The toys you played with do not matter.

A study was once done involving fairly young children - they were put in a room with stereotypical "girl" toys, and also "boy" toys, but the children were not told which was which. Both the girls and boys alike played with everything equally.

And when they were informed of the gender of the toys, then the kids were careful to play with the "appropriate" toys only to please their parents.

And you have girl moments? Great! I have boy moments. That doesn't make me any less of a woman.

[Guest Kendra K]

Hi, im new here, but i am 18 years old and bio female. im having trouble knowing if i truly am transgender. i know that i am the only one who can say for sure, but could you guys let me know what you think

Reasons why i think im not:

-i played with dolls (and cars)

-i was shy and girly when i was little

-i never said anything about this until now

-im tiny

-my grandma calls me feminine and pretty

-i never mined wearing dresses until i got older

Hey Jackson. Welcome.

One thing the others haven't said is that you're doing those things when you were younger may have been you trying to fit in, trying to please your parents, or something like that. Maybe you really did enjoy those things. From me looking around here at Laura's I've read many times that some know from the time when they were little they were trans, but some didn't realize until a long time further in life (I'm in my late thirties and I'm just coming to realize).

[Guest aleon515]

I read somewhere that Bobby Flay (surely male, right?) asked for an Easy Bake oven as a kid. It drove his parents crazy and he didn't get one. He became a pretty well known chef, but there are probably thousands of boys who ask for girl's toys.

It's too bad this kind of thing is so stereotyped. There are a lot of fun toys and some of them are gendered.

--Jay J

[Guest K-Night]

-my grandma calls me feminine and pretty

Yea, and so is Chris Colfer.

Dude, that just made my day.

But, Jackson, in my opinion I think you're gender fluid or on the first step to finding who you really are (male, most probably). I've had that stressful just early this year when I finally figured out Transgender existed. I had weeks where I would just sit and think what had happened these past 18 years in my life and why I hadn't figure it out sooner. Then I met another transman and I talked to him. I asked him the same question as you did 'How do you know if you're transgender?' We talked a lot, about his life and how he made it here. And I could relate to him. It took me another month to finally say to myself that I'm a man.

When I was a kid, I played with dolls, action figures, lego, video games. I didn't like playing sports not even now (partly because I'm not good at it and don't have the stamina). I wouldn't say I'm not aggressive... but I'm shy too. I'm very strong on my stand but publicly mute to strangers. I've had daydreams that one day I would wake up and magically be a boy. Later in my preteen years I would daydream that I was actually a boy and I never knew about it... some fantasy stuff. I hate make-ups. I wear cologne instead.

Many people compliment my hands, say they're pretty and I have perfect long fingernails for nail polish (although I clipped them off regularly, still) and I HATED that. I become very conscious of my hands ever since. I'm short too (5'3 or 4) and my face and voice don't help to pass. The only times I pass is when I introduce myself with my guy name and I tell them yes I'm a man. When I started to bind, a few months ago, I felt extremely happy. I remember standing in front of the mirror and just marvel (haha) at my flat chest.

Enough about me... but this is your first step in finding who you are. Talk to a few more people. Be comfortable. You'll figure it out.

K-Night

[Guest aleon515]

K-Night, I first realized that I was trans about 6 months ago. I knew such a thing existed but I didn't understand it that well I guess. I knew much more about mtfs. (And probably a lot of misinfo at that.) I just spent the first few months figuring out about androgyne (genderqueer, etc.). I thought that described me. I identified with your post as I had a very high anxiety level. It seemed very extreme. Gradually I realized that ftm described me, and as I discovered this the extreme anxiety went down.

I saw a gender therapist who helped tremendously and also went to support groups at the local trans center.

--Jay J

[Guest SebastianIAm]

i also feel like i could never pass as a man. im short and look like a girl. im afraid that even with taking testosterone that i will never actually look like a man. im also afraid that i will transition and it wont be what i need. that i will still be unhappy.

Oh my god. That's exactly how I feel.

I hate being short so much. I feel like it would be so much easier if I was taller and less feminine looking. It's like... I don't know, I feel like I will never be able to pass and if I do I will be ugly and even more unhappy than I am now. I'm also 18. I guess I feel better now that I know that I'm not the only one.

[Guest aleon515]

I am really short as well (5'1"). I had a mechanic once who was maybe 4'11". I never ever doubted that he was a guy. Now

I wonder re: transguy, but I doubt it. I am guessing the same rules apply to us.

--Jay J

[Guest Kai Reddtail]

I've learned from this forum that it's typical to have doubts about this. I spent a lot of years knowing about transfolks before I realized I was one. It just clicked one day.

But I was still unsure, and if I'm completely honest a small part of me still is.

Two or three times in my life, I decided "No. I'm not trans. if I just stop it'll all go away."

But every time I did that, I would forget the next day and feel the same. That's when I figured I was most likely trans, because if I weren't I'd be able to make it go away and just decide to be done with it.

[Guest JayHL]

Reading the replies to your question reminds me (if i need reminding) why I joined this forum. So many trans/intersex people are isolated, but here, everyone can call on others who can pass on personal experiences and advice that is difficult to reach in our everyday lives.

As others have said, children play with toys as a natural part of growing and learning. However, as a reflection of society’s preoccupation with a strict binary divide, toys are often gender labelled. Certainly, play preferences may be determined even in the womb. Research has shown that levels of male and female hormones in an expectant mother may result in children being born predisposed to certain play preferences. However, the degree to which a child expresses this preference is minimal. Children will play with whatever is at hand (including the box that the toy came in). Certainly, some children (especially boys) are more attracted to toys that remind them of noise and action ... why? Because that is mainly due what they watch on television - males in action with guns and tanks. Girls, on the other hand, are bombarded with dolls and ‘cute’ toys. Parents are the first educators and so have already exerted a great deal of influence over the way their children play. They often decide what their children play with and then claim that their daughter/son ‘chose’ to play with a particular toy. I have observed these same parents telling their child that “little boys don’t play with dolls” and thrusting a doll into their daughter’s arms. Even when children do choose their own toys they do not attach the same gender bias to it as their parents did.

‘Gender Dysphoria’ is another way of saying ‘gender discontent/dislike’. However, the background to this needs to be identified. How is gender expressed in our society and is it that expression that triggers the dislike or is it something deeper? Transgendered people are a gift to society in that they push the boundaries of what society defines as ‘male’ and ‘female’. Transsexual people however, are compelled to focus primarily on their own personal issues with their body and how they appear in their own minds. A deep dislike of dolls is no indicator of anything other than a dislike of dolls, but dislike/discontent/disgust/hate/distress) at aspects of one’s anatomy is something else and runs far deeper.

I was born with an intersex condition and whilst still an infant was surgically reassigned to female. The genetically inherited condition which restricted full male development left me with ‘ambiguous’ genitalia. On the basis that the stretched length of my penis was less than 1.9 cm and my testes had not descended, I was considered ‘unviable’ as male and surgery was used to remodel me into someone who could pass (anatomically) as female. My fertility was destroyed in the process and my life as a child and teenager was a mess of confusion. I can therefore empathise with trans people who, although they may have been born far more physically intact than I was, we both have a brain which has difficulty in relating to our body and also to the way in which we ‘fit’ into society.

Reading about trans/intersex issues and experiences is often useful, but there is no substitute for face to face discussion with a counsellor. I spend a large part of my working life counselling children (many of whom are teenagers) and their parents and other family. A percentage of these youngsters have a degree of gender dysphoria and/or are confused with regard to their sexuality. Most derive benefit from talking therapy, both talking thorough their issues and listening to someone who does not sit in judgement on them. One sixteen year told me that ‘she’ (as she was then) was afraid to face the world outside dressed in female clothing, but even more afraid to look in a mirror and see a face and body they did not recognise.

As a species we share a common feature with most mammals - we do not exist in just two variations, but a spectrum of physical, intellectual, psychological ethnic, anatomical, physiological features. Beyond the stereotypes, there are small men and tall women, outgoing women and shy men, female architects & engineers and male dressmakers. Life would be very boring with out such variety. People who break the rules of conformity be they trans/intersex/eccentric/ or whatever benign variation you can think of are the salt that brings out the true flavour in life. I just wish that along with the benefits of non-conformity there wasn’t so much pain.

[Guest Waffle Cat]

About that shortness bit: I'm 5'2", and there are two professors at my school who are about five inches shorter than I am. One of them is in his early 30's and the other guy is probably 40+. I'm pretty sure they're both biological dudes. And I also had male classmates (usually aged 19 to 21) who are about that height or even shorter.

So. yea.

Short does not mean girly.

[Guest Kelly92]

You sound male to me. Don't forget you've been socialised as female, so you have never had the pressure that boys have to act in certain ways. And by the way, I was born female and am short (5"1) and very slim and feminine figure. I also worry about passing as a guy, and I feel I could call myself a boy, but never a man. Just doesn't look right you know? A tiny female-looking person standing next to a huge hairy guy. But despite my feminine appearance underneath, I look like a boy when wearing my usual causal clothes (baggy) and whilst you will never get the height, you can look like a convincing guy, so many people have done it and so can you. If it helps, one of my male friends is really short too, and my dad was only 5"5