I told my Mum today....and it was wonderful

[Guest Jenny_W]

I posted this on my blog tonight. It is about how I told my Mum today about me being trans. I couldn't have wished for a better reaction from her.

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I worked out something this year. Yes, besides that. I’ve worked out that crying can be really good. I went to see my Mum today and I told her that I am trans. It was a big day for both of us.

I woke up this morning after sleeping in until 9 (unheard of recently!) and got ready to drive to Mum’s. It is quite a drive (more than an hour) so I had plenty of time to think in the car. To be honest, I have been thinking for months what to say to her, so the car drive was just the last minute cramming. I cried three times in the car and I distinctly remember what set me off each time:

I don’t want to lose the good relationship we have.

I just need my Mum to be OK with this.

I just need my Mum.

I arrived at her house and we exchanged small talk, both of us knowing that I was there to pass on some ‘important news’. So, after she made me a cup of tea, I started telling her what has been happening this year. My big year. I could see that she was shocked, surprised but genuinely concerned and interested. It was not something that she had seen coming. (Had anyone?) She was ok, but she started crying. Yesterday, I said that I didn’t want Mum to cry. However, when I saw her cry at my news, I understood why she was crying. It was a coping mechanism, a way of making sure she didn’t get overwhelmed. Before I realised, I had started crying too. I haven’t felt this close to my Mum for such a long time. It was really good. We hugged – for what seemed an even longer time. It was then that I knew everything was going to be alright.

Mum will take some time to adjust which is perfectly understandable. She was hit with some pretty big news – life changing news in fact, and not just for me. We talked for 4 hours. We talked about memories from my childhood, my sister and her new baby, my Dad and my plans for next year. She wants to read my blog which makes me very happy because I know we can keep in touch between the times we visit each other. I left her place and I knew that I am the luckiest person alive.

I love you Mum. Oh, so much.

Jenny

[Guest angels wings]

Jenny I'm sooooooo happy for you . What a awesome and touching day it was for you both

Thank you for sharing your joys

Angel

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Now that is wonderful.

(((Huuggss))) hon.

I am smiling from ear to ear

My heart is lifted.

Love.

Brenda

[Guest Paige712]

Awe that is wonderful news hun.

Soo happy for you

With love xxx

[Guest Jenny_W]

Yeah, it was great. Until today

Mum called at 10am this morning and was crying. She said that she supports me but it will take her a while to adjust. I reassured her that it's OK and I understand. End of call. No worries.

In the evening, my Dad calls me to say that Mum called him (they have been divorced for 30 years and they hardly ever talk). She rang him to ask him to join forces with her to confront me on this trans 'problem' I have. She wants intervention and that the psychologist and psychiartist that I am currently seeing are obviously no good because they're not discouraging me! Luckily, my Dad stood his ground and told Mum that it was not her decision to make. I am 40 years old and can make my own choices - legally and morally! (Good for you Dad)

He warned me that Mum might try to paint me as an unfit parent and try to obtain custody of my daughter. OMG. How can crap turn so bad so quickly? Especially after I had such a good day with her yesterday. I feel betrayed. I am hurt. I wish I had not stuck my neck out and told my Mum. How was I to know?

Anyway, I plan to give her space and see what happens. She might settle down in a few weeks. She may be going through a grieving process and this is the 'denial' stage. Oh I hope so.

I just need a hug.

Jenny

[Guest angels wings]

Sorry Jenny ((((hugs))))

You are right it is part of the process she is scared to loose you as she knows you . Also the lack of knowledge makes her even more scared . Even once we learn more about this condition our minds battle our hearts. It takes time to work through it .if your mum begins to get angry please remember not to take this to heart she is angry at the condition . Go easy I know it hurts but she needs to go through this (((((((hugs)))))))

Angel

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Hi Jenny,

What you and your mother are going through is not unusual. My experience with my family was very similar to your after I came out. My mother went back and forth between acceptance and denial.

It actually took me a very long time with many conversations with my mother for her to calm down and accept me for who I am.

For me, my coming out process took about a year of very intense conversations with my family.

Some will never accept me.

Being transgendered is not a crime and does not make you an unfit parent. Don't let anyone make you feel like you are doing anything wrong.

Love.

Brenda

[Carolyn Marie]

Jenny, I understand that you're feeling confused and let down and hurt, but please try not to overreact to this latest setback. There are many stages to the "grief" that parents go through when they hear that their child is trans. One stage is anger, another is denial. I think your mother is in both of those stages right now.

Your idea to "give her time" is a good one, but not too much time. You need to keep that dialogue going. Tell her what your father told you, ask her about it (in a nice way), and ask her to tell you how she feels, what she is worried about. Offer to give her things to read, resources, and explain that its important that she gets all the facts, not just react to her fears.

You are an adult, hon, and no matter the reaction of your parents, you have a right to live your life as you see fit. There is no basis for your mother to take any legal action against you. You haven't even transitioned yet, so how can she say you are unfit to be a parent? You were trans all these years, and did fine as a parent. Transitioning isn't going to change your parenting skills.

Communication is the key, Jenny. It's way too soon to give up on her. I wish you luck.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie