Years of misplacing my frustration and confusion...

[Guest Vex]

I find myself in an awkward position, feeling like a jerk and trying to figure out how to stop behavior that I've become accustomed to. I wonder if any of you experienced the same thing?

My entire live I've been a bit odd, depressed, antisocial, and morbid. Being outcast in school for being overweight, poor, and too smart for my age didn't help. It seems that no medication they put me on can fix any of that. I've also had issues with women. I've always blamed it on my mom for not being there, for being a b*tch and a drug addict when she was, for betraying my trust and tearing our family apart. Then it seemed that every major love interest in my life cheated on me, mistreated me, and eventually left me.

Needless to say this is not a good foundation for one's emotional and social character. I brought all this into my marriage. My wife and I have been married for 6 years and have 2 beautiful children. I love them more than anything, yet there's always been this constant frustration that I have taken out on them. I wasn't ready for kids and didn't really know what to expect from marriage. I've always blamed this on them...always accused them of taking something away from me, of dragging down my life, of getting in the way of what could have been. The odd thing? I could never actually say what it was that they were in the way of. I was living with this torment inside and thinking it was their fault.

Since my revelation I've come to realize that my mental issues, my grudge against women, and the pain in my personal life was not neccessarily coming from where I thought. Sure the way I was treated when I was young, and my experiences with women, and the day to day frustrations of life can cause a lot aggrivation, but what was really going on? I didn't know myself. I was weird because I didn't know how to live inside my body and conform the expected gender roles of that body. I had a problem with women because I was jealous of them. I was mad because I didn't get the chance to correct nature's error before I got married and had a family. How could I? I hadn't admitted it to myself. The gender issue has always been at the core of the problems, not the people I blamed it all on.

I've said and done a lot of things I wish I hadn't and if I could take it all back I would. Good people have suffered because I didn't figure out what was wrong with me until I was 30 years old. The only thing I can do now is try not to make the same mistakes in the future.

Realizing this is a good thing. So what's the problem now? I've been behaving this way...misdirecting my pain, confusion, and anger about my gender onto the ones I love that I don't know how to stop. It has become a reflex. I can even acknowledge while I'm being an donkey that I don't want to be an donkey, yet can't stop myself. How do you break yourself of decades of habit?

What makes me feel worse is that my wife has been pretty much supportive of my revelation. She doesn't want me to transition or anything, but she has made an effort to understand, ask questions, do some research, and even crack playful jokes during an already stressful time for her, when she would be totally justified in feeling misled, disillusioned, or lied to. She and my children deserve better than I seem capable of being. And she's brought up a good point-How can I ever be a woman if I'm an insensitive and thoughtless jerk...totally unladylike?

Please tell me that some of you have dealt with a similar situation and have some advice. The medication and therapy only do so much....maybe some words of wisdom from you guys would hold a little more weight. Thanks for letting me vent.

[Guest Tamar]

Hi Vex.

Yes,I have been there. Yes,I do know what it feels like to be a donkey. All the while knowing I was being one.

May I refer you to what Megan wrote above? She is right. On both counts.

I could not have said it better.

You seem to have found your demons.

I would recommend kicking their butts to the kerb.

They are doing you no favors. Nor your family.

Best wishes for your journey

Tamar.

[Guest angels wings]

I understand what your saying . The frustration and your reactions are still manifesting because you can't be you . Although your wife is understanding it's very difficult for you If you don't have a plan for the future to be you . I see it from the two sides my partner after nearly 20 years told me she was not he that I thought I knew . It took a lot of communication and compromising to get to where we are . My husband was strange at times once he accepted who he was it all changed . Her years of depression are over her character is calm and sweet . She has changed for the better . But for us wives loosing who we knew and stepping into unknown territory is very scary. There is a lot too go through as we slowly accept our partners changing . Please don't be hard on yourself try and see that it takes time as you both grow together .

Angel ((((((( hugs))))))

[Guest Thing]

I totally understand. I lash out a lot at people due to some just general frustration that's probably more within me than without. You have to forgive yourself, forgive the people around you (because really a lot of people are totally confused about their lives for various reasons and who are we to hold that against them?) and remember that making any serious changes in your life, gender or otherwise, takes SO MUCH patience. Peace and good luck!

[Guest SandraJane]

I agree with with Megan, HRT and the blocking of "T" can help tremendously along with the concept of "mindfulness". Being aware of what you are feeling and acting/doing. The environment you grew up in didn;t help either, but please don't believe it cannot change, it can. The negative experiences you have had can be a guide of what not to do. But denying your "true gender" can fuel anger and resentment, and avoiding doing so will also call on you to make some difficult and gut retching decisions.

But don't despair, things can get better, believe that, its a good place to start.