Wife just needing to "talk" to someone!

[Guest chrysalis0817]

Hi everyone!

Settle in and get ready for a read cause I have to share my story...its been a year of figuring things out without being able to talk to anyone besides my husband...but sometimes you just really need to talk to someone else!

So, last year before Halloween my husband and I were on a hike and were talking about how to dress up for a Halloween party coming up. I can't remember which one of us came up with the idea but we decided on Hugh Hefner and a playboy bunny but I would be Hugh and he would be the bunny! Great idea! But then he got really quiet and funny as we kept on walking...and my husband does not get serious or nervous very easily at all! He started asking my how I feel about dressing up in the other sex's clothes...I knew instantly that he was getting to something and told him to just let it out. He had/has been cross-dressing on and off for most of his life. I am not sure how I felt really...I wasn't shocked or devastated. A bit surprised and I had a lot of questions. Of course I wondered if he had any interest in men and he emphatically said no. I knew he loved stockings and pantyhose already...just didn't know that he liked to wear them too.

So that turned into a time of experimentation. Unfortunately my dad had a stroke the weekend of the party and I could not go. He went ahead with the plan and it was an exciting/nervous time because he had never dressed up in front of anyone we know...in fact he always had done it late at night in secret on some dark street somewhere. After we began experimenting with some different dress up things...going out on the town and he would change after we had dinner and drinks and then we'd stroll the city and have some hot make out sessions. I have had some feelings of attraction to women (which I had told him) so it helped us both live out our fantasies! We even one time just spent a day at home lounging around in satiny gowns and heels.

But then I got a little burned out. I still want my man to be my man and to take care of me. I am a very natural girl, I do like to dress up every once in awhile but I am more casual so it started to feel like a lot of work to do all this. My husband also gets completely consumed when he is into one of his "activities", for lack of a better word, so it was all he could think about. We have kids, house and other things we like to do so it was not something that I wanted to take over our whole lives, sexually or otherwise. Then we started just moving onto new things and cross dressing went on the back burner...until this past fall and as Halloween started approaching. We decided to again do the Hugh/bunny thing since I did not get to do it last year. He went full bore and I did his makeup and helped with hair (he doesn't usually do wigs but got one for this) and we went on. This started him getting into it more and more and he visited some specialty shops. Then he was in another city for work and looked up a club for a meeting and went to one of their meetings...this sort of threw me for a loop and I kind of got upset when he told me, which was before the meeting.

Some of the things I am struggling with are...I am a fish biologist. So every day I dress in mostly men like clothes and stomp around in the woods and rivers getting dirty. When I come home I really want to be pampered a bit and I am not sure exactly what it is, jealousy or something?? But I just want my man to be my man when I come home from a hard day. And then I have my lovely monthly dose of PMS and cramps and I think THIS IS NOT FAIR!!! You get to dress up and have fun and buy pretty things and be girly but you don't have to deal with all of the CRAP that comes along with it!!! I want to throw tampons at him! And I struggle with extra weight so its a bit embarrassing that we wear the same size even though he is 6'3"!!! Then when he told me about this meeting I just got scared. The part of this that I have been involved in this has been a secret thing for us...and here he was going to a meeting of people that I don't know...would he find them more interesting? Would he want this to be a permanent lifestyle change? Would this now change and consume every part of our lives? I cried and told him I was scared. He thinks I am scared that he is going to get together with someone but its not really that...I am scared that he will discover things out about himself that will change us forever and scared that I cannot fit into this new life. It turned out that the meeting was pretty boring and there wasn't much talk about CD at all!! Mostly everyone just socializing. He went to see if there were people that could explain to him why he does this. We have talked a lot about that. He is a very confident, athletic and strong man but when it comes to dressing it is the only time I see him nervous and uncertain. Its interesting. Sometimes hard to see though. I also got a bit upset because I cannot talk to anyone about this. Glad I found this site though to help vent!

And the last thing I fear, and what I probably fear the most, is that if I share (well I do because we share everything) all of my feelings that I will change him and cause him to repress parts of himself. Sigh...I don't know what the answers are. We are deeply in love...met in 2008 after both getting divorces and we knew almost instantly that we had found our soul mates. Our kids have blended wonderfully (they know NOTHING about this and we plan on keeping it that way) and we have an amazing life. I guess we just have to take it one step at a time...there are parts of me that doesn't want to know when he dresses (he does it a lot when working out of town) and there are parts of me that want to know everything and every time. He has had a few past girlfriends and his ex-wife make little "discoveries" and they either ignored it (probably scared) or thought he was cheating. I am the first person in his 49 years that he has been able to tell all of this to...which is a huge deal and I am very happy that I can help him get some of this off his chest. I guess I just really need to make sense of it in my head too. I think that his desire for it is waning for now...he actually gave me his razor as an early xmas present because he knows how much I love his beard (he has it for much of the year and usually shaves around fall). But then again, I feel guilty worrying that talking about my fears is influencing him.

Some of the questions I have for others...is it typical that it is something that comes and goes in your life? For those that have it out in the open with a significant other do you share parts of it and hide other parts of it?

Any other comments and help is welcome! Thank you for reading!

[Guest (Lightsider)]

I can tell you this, in my 3 marriages, only one was worthy to be told the other two I simply did not trust. She was my last wife and still my friend. Your husband must really love you to tell you his deepest darkest secret. The desire as you call it can ebb and flow. Don't be surprised if it comes back. So here is a question for you, do you know for certain he is just a cross dresser?

For me, I am not a CD. I am Male to Female and that was always the path I was meant to take. Out of respect for my marriages (and this is not a condemnation of what you two do) I refrained from any cross dressing and I think it took it's toll on me.

I don't think you are selfish for wanting your man and to be pampered. But there may come a time when you will need to decide on what you will compromise on.

[Guest angels wings]

Hello and welcome Chrysalis your not. Alone in how oh feel . When are partners share a part of them we are not aware of we do have a million questions and the mind plays a thousand games . We are always wondering always doubting we don't want to loose what we know . I suggest the best thing for your partner is to find a gender therapist who can help with discovering who he is .my partner is MTF and its been a year of great hardships but I followed my heart my love for her is strong and she has brought out the best in me. I too wanted the man I married I went through what they call a grieving process which was real hard but now I'm happy we're we are and enjoying each other . I don't think it's something that comes and goes I think it's always there but they hold it in and try and fight it . It's not until they accept themselves that they are able to be happy . What has helped me is communicating and compromising with each other. . I found also I love her more than what I love him . The mind will play games but you need to listen to your heart and don't let negativity get in .i know how hard it is to see your partner dressed in ladies clothes but with time you slowly adapt . We are here for you all the time . We understand your fears and doubts we have been there . Please know you can come here and vent share your sorrows doubts and joys as much as you want . Also what helped me massively was coming here to Laura's and reading what other members have shared. This helped me gain a better understanding on what my partner was going through . I wish you all the best and remember we a re here. For you ((((((hugs ))))))

Angel

[Guest]

Welcome to LP chrysalis!

It tends to be typical for some of us for our dressing to come and go in our lives.

Certainly take it as a complement from your SO to confide this with you. It takes a lot of trust for us to reveal our "secrets".

After all we have mastered to hide it for a lifetime.

As for answering from a SO point I can not help you there.

We would all like to make sense of these issues in our heads. Perhaps a Gender Therapist can help you both out.

Time allowance is certainly a factor to come to an understanding.

Huggs,

Joann

[Charlize]

Hi dear and welcome to Laura's. I hid almost all of my life. Thought marriage would "cure" me and for several years dressing was not part of my life. My wife and i have been together for 43 years now. married for 41 with a few fun years in sin before. Anyway last spring i couldn't hold it in any more. My desires to be me had grown past containment. She as you had a hard time with this part of me. I found that i was transgendered not a cross dresser. I now live as a woman and am on hormone therapy. She has found me to be the same person. Funny how i discovered that too. I still like the same things and do the same things i have always done but o them now as a woman.

At this point she simply says "i wouldn't have chosen this but its ok" We have matching nighties and shop and live together as a female couple wit a few differences.

This is not to say that your husband or you should or want to follow this route. It is simply a way of saying that at least in our case we found a way to continue the love that brought us together.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Charlize]

Welcome again. I just wanted to let you know that as you post you might want to look at the various headings. Your post is fine here but perhaps it should have been in the SO's topic area or the introductions. just for future thought. It helps you pick who will see it to respond. We also ask that you read the terms and conditions at the bottom of any page.

Hugs and thanks for posting,

Charlie

[Guest KatyDesire]

Hi Chrysalis. Everyone is different, but if he was able to keep it a secret for so long, there is a fair chance that it will just stay a "recreation". You will read that cross-dressers never transition - not completely true, but its only about 20%, according to most literature I have read.

I hid it for 50 years (including from myself), but finally decided I didn't want any secrets between us. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done.

My wife says she is OK with it, and sometimes even buys me clothes. But when I saw how she was clearly uncomfortable with it, I keep the "episodes" to myself - although she usually knows when I have dressed, she doesn't see it. Both of us are actually more comfortable that way.

In my case it definitely comes and goes, and for long periods it doesn't attract me. But then the urge hits.

At home I am always in "male" mode - in the fullest sense (including squashing spiders!) In this way we have come to a working relationship. I have no doubt that at some time I will dress together with her, but I have no particular desire to do so. It will happen if and when it does.

I completely agree that you should get to see a gender therapist - both of you. You will need to come to some kind of working relationship that satisfies both your needs. Marriage, after all, is a partnership. But I am quite sure that with some help you will be able to sort it out.

Remember, we all have a bit of the opposite sex in us. Your spending the day in "male" dress may actually be subconsciously satisfying a need which could have been a problem if it was strictly banned, as for example, in the earlier parts of the 20th century. That doesn't make you a lesser person, or less of a woman. The difference is that everyone accepts it as a normal thing for women to do. I am sure the "problem" would dissolve if it were considered normal for men to sometimes put on skirts. Maybe sometime in the future.....

It is hard for both parties. Get help. You'll get through it, and be richer for the process.

Keep in contact with others through this website.

Hugs.

[Guest chrysalis0817]

Sorry its taken me so long to respond...busy time of year! Thank you all so much...it helped just "saying" what I needed to say but even more so seeing your kind words. Things are very, very good. For him this is definitely an expression of the female part of him but he also loves and feels good in the male part of himself...occasionally thumps his chest about that even!! KatyDesire I think you are right...I feel much different when I am in my male clothes and feel a bit more powerful. It helps me make quick decisions and to be more of a leader at work but when I am home I definitely like to let that go. Interesting...I did grow up with a very domineering father who I was always trying to please so think that's where some of that comes from.

Right now my husband is growing his beard back, getting ready for his winter look but we still enjoy the secret looks when we pass a lingerie store and we still talk about it. It feels really good to have a place to refer back to and a lot of my fears have been quelled for now. I will definitely talk to him about gender therapy. I didn't even know there was such a thing!

Thank You!

XO