What is too assertive?

[Guest AdenAngel]

What do you consider being too assertive about pronouns, name change, and just general gender related issues?

Because I have a variety of different issues with my friends. Some just can't manage to call me Aden and use male pronouns. Then there's others who do fine. I think it just made me snap a little bit when one of my best friends invited me to a "girls night". I was offended and ended up snapping at her. I just wonder if I haven't been assertive enough about it in the past.

[Carolyn Marie]

There isn't one good answer to that question, Aden. it really does depend on the circumstances, including exactly what was said and how, and your history with that person or persons.

I give people a lot of leeway on the pronoun issue. It would have to be plainly evident that someone was misusing pronouns in a deliberate attempt to insult or humiliate me, before I would get angry and say something. Short of that, I approach them discreetly and point out what they did, and that almost always does the trick.

Sometimes people just forget, Aden. Try the non-confrontational approach first, and see if that works.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Remus]

It also depends on how long you've been out. My friends changed pronouns for me of their own accord, but they sometimes still slip up (and always apologise for it), but I've been out for four years, actively transitioning on T for 19 months, and my whole family still calls me a girl and uses female pronouns. Sometimes it just takes a long time for people to get used to it - they're not only trying new pronouns, but also unlearning old pronouns.

As for how assertive to be, as Caroline said, take it on an individual basis. Don't be aggressive about it - if they're trying to get your pronouns right they're going to slip up - but also don't be too passive and afraid to correct people either.

Hope that helps mate.

~Rem

[Guest aadenr]

When I first came out, which was 2 years ago, it was very difficult. People who were willing to change would mess up and call me he and she. They wouldn't so much mess up on the name, it was mostly pronouns for me.

Now its mostly family that messes up on my name or pronoun because the people in my life now either don't know that I transitioned or have gotten so used to it, it doesn't matter anymore. Its just patience. I ignore my family members who still refuse to use the right name and pronoun. I simply act as if I wasn't called, and boy does it urine them off.

More than anything you just have to be patient with people. For them its new information, depending on how long you've been out. But if you've been out for a while now, I would be more assertive with them, or just ignore them like I do when they call you

I made the mistake of being too passive with people at the beginning which didn't work in my favor. Now I'll just ignore them or say, "Its HE." They simply look at me like I'm the stupid one. But I refuse to listen to someone who isn't willing to accept me.

[Sakura]

agrees deppenind on how long you have been out , in the first year or two it is quasi unrealitic to expect instant and consistant change in the department . like my family have been living with my transition for nearly a decade now, so the slip ups are non exsistant now.

Changing how you think about some one is hard. in terms of gender and recognition of it. recently i had a very very good friend of mine come out to me as FTM. i have known him for the past 6 years as a woman.( a very very butch lesbien ) but a woman . and then he comes out as being FTM....... i have know for a year and still occasionally slip up on the pronouns. i do try , but even my self being trans does not make me immune to these mistakes . it is just hard to forget 6 years of she and her . now imagine some one who has known you your whole life........ with that in mind maybe a little slack is in order ?

Sakura

[Guest Gregg Jameson]

Hi Aden!

You are handling things so well, so maturely!

When there's an issue, you don't just lash out and blame someone else, you take a good look at the idea that you may have contributed, somehow, to the upsetting event. It's very important for us to take a look at our own roles in what transpires in our lives, in our relationships, etc. Nicely done, Aden!

Lots of great advice given here in this thread!

I feel as though your question has been answered.

Do you feel it has been answered? If not, please, let us know!

Keep on keeping on! You are doing a great job handling life!

Warmly,

Brad