Relationships how and when to tell someone

[Guest aadenr]

This is always difficult for me as I've never had to do it and I'm the type of person who rather just not tell someone I transitioned since I hate the word transgender and even transman because I don't identify as either, only as man. I've only found that those words in my opinion are for people to better understand who we are and why we transition. Other than that I don't like it.

Anyway I've only had one girlfriend, just to give an idea of how experienced I am, and we only lasted a couple weeks because she was too controlling and never wanting to be with me cause she complained I worked too much. So I broke up with her which caused a waterfall of tears. I don't understand women :/

Obviously I didn't have to tell her that I transitioned since it never got to that point. But my question is how do you tell someone and when? I know it may be like it was when we first come out but it's a little different to me because it is a closer relationship with whoever we are with.

I just get scared because I'm inexperienced and this transition doesn't help since I obviously don't have a penis, to put it simply.

[Guest Gregg Jameson]

Hi aadenr,

Thank for sharing so openly and honestly!

Until you are truly ready to deal with disclosing your history and are truly ready to deal with what you report as your sexual inexperience, you will always find it much, much easier to work long hours and to do almost anything that puts time and distance (avoidance of intimacy) between you and any woman.

It's my guess, and its truly just a guess, that when your girlfriend had voiced her concern that you two don't have enough time together, she was hoping you would find some additional time for you both to spend together. Your response was to let her go, entirely. You have the right to do this, of course! Maybe you were not compatible for one another anyway. Yet, this is why she'd shed some tears? She was, in effect, asking you to share more time with her. In response, you broke off your relationship with her. She was likely feeling sad at that moment. Yet, if you were not ready, nor willing, to spend more time with her, then breaking it off was probably best for each of you.

I think you are apt to avoid intimacy until you are completely ready to share much more about yourself.... including some of your history and also willing to share your concerns about what you feel is your sexual inexperience.

There's certainly lots of credible information about making love readily available. If you haven't looked into some of this information, you might consider doing so. There's truly so much information about what women tend to want and some ideas as to how one might satisfy some of her needs. Knowledge and experience are helpful components. We can only gain experience through actual encounters. We cannot experience encounters without a willingness to be present and available...and we may benefit greatly when we show a incredible willingness to learn.

Many women tell me they are not initially as concerned about experience and knowledge (technique) as they are concerned with the fact that they are safe, respectted and truly loved.

Some women--and some men-- will consent to experiences without "love," of course. They may not be as forgiving about the lack of knowledge, however, as their motivation is different, as is anyone's if/when consenting to acts of intimacy without a bond of love. I am not passing judgement here. In my experience, when people get into physical sexual intimacy without the bond of love, these interactions were more so about satisfying desires and urges --and not about love-- thus, the techniques then become the focus. The overall goal/purpose of the interaction has shifted.

Within a sincere and loving relationship, we learn a great deal about our partner's needs through spending time in intimacy with our partner. Partners truly caring about one another take the time to learn about his/her partner and also offer his/her partner plenty of time to learn about his/her own needs. It's important there's open communication between two people during this time together. Sometimes, partners do not care for some of the ideas you may have learned from some "educational resource." The best education about a current partner is obtained through intimate encounters with this specific partner. This experience between two committed partners expands over time, as people learn more about one another and more about themselves. This, ideally, all occurs within a bond of commitment, love and also through increasing amounts of trust in one another.

Often, people do quite well with satisfying a partner by employing their own imagination, along with their partner's feedback/guidance. Yet, you may start/expand your learning more with the method most amenable to you and to your current cicumstances. This may involve educational material, talking with others and/or gaining experience.

As far as when to disclose the fact that you "don't have a penis?"

I truly think you do have a good idea about this, if you stop and consider putting yourself in the shoes of the other person?

In my opinion, it is not ever our goal to "hoodwink" those we care so much for, those we love enough to share in physical intimacy.

We love them, and ourselves, enough to be honest. (At least that is my own opinion.)

So when you feel you may be getting into a deeper relationship and when you sense you may both show mutually consensual interest in physical intimacy, it's definitely time to disclose more about yourself, if you haven't already.

Something you will need to also think about is: What are your own desires/needs within a sexual relationship?

What's comfortable for you? Many women also want to know how to best express their love to their lover.

For many men in transition, this is one of the most complicated areas of their sexuality when in a relationship.

It may take some experience and some time to learn more about yourself in this regard.

Again, thanks for sharing so openly and so honestly.

I hope something I have written helps you in some way.

I also hope many others, both men and women, will comment on this thread!

Maybe let us know how things are going for you?

My best to you!

Warmly,

Brad

[Guest aadenr]

Well, I probably should have explained my relationship with her more. She was always complaining I worked a lot, but I always made time for her. When I did make time for her she would ditch me for her friends. Which is one of the fights we had because I work two jobs, and if she's just gonna ditch me, I rather not waste my time. She was always trying to control me too, which I hate. She wasn't very open, and I was getting tired of putting in all the effort when she wasn't trying so I broke up with her. She cried and said she liked me a lot but I didn't really care because she didn't show it to me the little time we were trying because she seemed more concerned about her friends than me. Which is fine to have friends, but I didn't like that she never wanted to make time for just US only US plus FRIENDS. She was two years younger than and fresh out of high school, so that my have been the problem. Honestly, I don't know if I was ready. I don't think I liked her enough to make myself more ready and willing.

And I think you are right. I'm just scared to share my history with someone because I'm afraid of rejection. I know its stupid but I feel whoever I date will reject me because I'm not biologically a male because they aren't informed or something stupid like that. And I agree that experience is the key here and I have to let go of my fears in order to gain that.

Thanks so much for the response. It really has helped and put my brain to work in how I can better tackle this.

[Guest Gregg Jameson]

Hi aadenr,

Please accept my apologies for any assumptions I'd made.

It's a challnge to communicate fully, and accurately, by posting like this.

I hope you will consider forgiving me.

It can be very challenging to get to a place where one honestly feels "ready" to disclose so much about oneself.

Yes, rejection is always a possibility. Rejection always remains a possibility within a relationship, too, as there are never any guarantees. Sometimes when the is not initial rejection, rejection follows later on within a relatonship. Look at the divorce rate, for instance.

The idea of potential rejection is a bit frightening, isn't it? I find it so.

There may be some other ways to think about the idea of "being turned down?"

Maybe, if we change our perspective about the idea of "rejection" a bit, it maybe won't feel so devastating to us?

Maybe it's simply a sign that pursuing a relationship is not best for both people at this time?

Maybe this sign along our path helps to gently steer us away from some relationships, which results in our moving toward some relationships which feel more rewarding to us?

There are lots of very real accounts of people having very loving relationships and very good, rewarding lives together.

I am sure you can be amongst the success stories, if you sincerely want to do so.

Just a few suggestions, you can take them or leave them: Watch for someone "special." Do your best to be a truly good friend before pursuing more. Be patient and just see where the friendship takes you? I think you will be happier, truly, with a very loving relationship, one in which each of you truly deeply cares about one another. This all takes time. It takes time to build a strong, healthy, deep relationship with anyone. It takes time to build the kind of trust you may need in order to share more of yourself?

I would never advocate for hurrying any part of this "relationship stuff."

It's tough to get experience unless/until you have a relationship in which you feel safe in sharing more.

This is all more easily written about, even talked about, than it is to make happen.

Please be patient with yourself...and with those you care about.

A good therapist might help you with some of these issues around your relationship with yourself and with others?

I don't know if you care for therapists, if you have tried a therapist? Maybe you already see one? It's just a thought.

Thanks again, truly, for being so open and so honest with us here! You have shown lots of courage!

I hope we hear more from you!

Take care of yourself!

Warmly,

Brad

[Guest aadenr]

Oh no worries. I really didn't think you made any assumptions so I wasn't hurt or bothered by what you said.

I love how you put dealing with rejection. It really does give me a whole new perspective. And thanks I will take all you said and try it in the future. Your words have really made me feel more secure and comfortable with relationships.

I know it's always going to be hard but transition doesn't have to make it more difficult and I will definitly take more time the next time. I know the majority of it is me just needing to feel more comfortable in my own skin and needing to feel more secure, which I am working on. I just never thought it would be this hard.

[Guest Gregg Jameson]

Looking forward to hearing how things are going for you, whenever you are ready to share!

I truly hope things go very well...and with ease!

Warmly,

Brad