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i just dont know what to do


Guest jackson48

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Guest jackson48

ive said before that i am at a christian college. well, ive been trying to transfer to another school but because i started so late im afraid that i wont get in. i dont know if i could handle going back there, but theres nothing else that i could do. the only other thing is go to the community college but that would also mean living at home. im recently identifying as an agnostic atheist and the whole christian college thing is not healthy for me. but at the same time, living at home wouldnt be good either. my grandma is very religious, even more so since i told her that i like girls. i cant take it. if i dont get into that other school i dont know how i will cope. lately ive been really good about not cutting, but i know that it is too good to be true. i know that if i go back to that school i will start again. also because i was so depressed i literally never studied and i basically failed everything. the new school is only looking at my high school records so right now that is my only hope. i still have urges everyday to cut, and any little negative thing would send me over the edge. ive been distracting myself with leather tooling. i get to hammer and it seems to get my anger out a little. but once i go to school i wont be able to do that. i need help about the self harm, but theres no way i can get it. im afraid to tell anybody, im afraid that my grandma would be so ashamed. i wish i could just go to sleep and never wake up. im not suicidal, but im definitely not afraid to die. i want so badly to just disappear and not be here. i hate this feeling and theres nothing that will make it go away.

please just give me words of encouragement and suggestions about what to do

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Guest (Lightsider)

Hi Jackson, I know things are hard at times. I have been there. I believe like me you can overcome this. You have to be true to yourself and when that happens you will find some peace inside you. That is not to say things will be easy getting there....but....

....It will be worth it. Hugs for you.

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It's your world man, don't let the haters get you down. No matter how much your life feels hopeless and like it's totally falling apart, remember that the only way to truly fail is to give up on yourself. And when you know that nobody else can make you do that, you will have some real respect for yourself. Stay strong, keep your head high, and don't let anyone that doesn't even understand you put you down.

Edited by VickySGV
Word filter bypass issue
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Guest Waffle Cat

I kinda know how you feel. My parents are religious, and practically everyone I know have varying degrees of religious-ness. All I can do is shut up and deal with it. They drag me to mass every week, and even more so now (I'm being dragged to Misa de Gallo every night). I'm also forced to study at a Christian-run college. I have to take up 4 separate Theology subjects. I want to transfer to the state university nearby, but I'm already a junior, and it would be too late as I'm expected to graduate in two years. I also have other personal issues. I also want to "just disappear" because I'm tired of everything.

Well. My advice for you right now is to look for other options. That, or just deal with it. Lie if you have to (like. my parents still insist i wear girl clothes. eew). The lying will eventually end (like. i'm hoping to go to a graduate school abroad. then i can buy all the guy clothes i want can afford). And you have a distraction. Just keep doing it. Even during school days. Manage your time.

hope this helps. >:D<

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Guest Gregg Jameson

ive said before that i am at a christian college. well, ive been trying to transfer to another school but because i started so late im afraid that i wont get in. i dont know if i could handle going back there, but theres nothing else that i could do. the only other thing is go to the community college but that would also mean living at home. im recently identifying as an agnostic atheist and the whole christian college thing is not healthy for me. but at the same time, living at home wouldnt be good either. my grandma is very religious, even more so since i told her that i like girls. i cant take it. if i dont get into that other school i dont know how i will cope. lately ive been really good about not cutting, but i know that it is too good to be true. i know that if i go back to that school i will start again. also because i was so depressed i literally never studied and i basically failed everything. the new school is only looking at my high school records so right now that is my only hope. i still have urges everyday to cut, and any little negative thing would send me over the edge. ive been distracting myself with leather tooling. i get to hammer and it seems to get my anger out a little. but once i go to school i wont be able to do that. i need help about the self harm, but theres no way i can get it. im afraid to tell anybody, im afraid that my grandma would be so ashamed. i wish i could just go to sleep and never wake up. im not suicidal, but im definitely not afraid to die. i want so badly to just disappear and not be here. i hate this feeling and theres nothing that will make it go away.

please just give me words of encouragement and suggestions about what to do

Hi Jackson,

I understand your frustration.

I had attended a couple of Christian colleges when I was young.

It did not harm me. I was not most comfortable there, but I knew how to do whatever needed to be done in order to succeed. I did put some aspects of my life on hold, in order to not risk getting into some kind of a major issue there.

Yet, there were always, always, women available for sincere relationships, even on campus of some of the most strict schools.

Many of us were a bit androgynous in our attire, too. We'd felt we could make it through this way, until we'd transferred or graduated.

What is it that is so upsetting to you?

You feel more pressed about this though... which is perfectly okay! This is YOUR life...and you need to address what's going on for you!

On most campuses, there are mental health/counseling services offered. Have you looked into this option on campus?

You mention your concern about your grandmother feeling shame. Does she have to know if you are seeing a counselor/therapist?

It's important, just as you have mentioned, to get help with the cutting!

So, please do this! Do this no matter what!

Life is full of situations we find challenging. You will do well to have some assistance in learning to handle stressors without cutting yourself. This is separate from gender dysphoria, although gender dysphoria may be a stressor which triggers cutting. Other stressors also likely trigger cutting. It seems to me the core of the matter, of cutting, needs to be addressed?

I am not in favor of college students feeling tortured by their campus/school environments, ever. I do think, realistically, that the issue of cutting will come up again on almost any campus, once the stress increases.

When you cannot do your leather work, what about working out? What else might help with your outlet for anger? Running?

Lifting weights? Swimming? Anything?

By all means, if you can get transfer, do so! Keep trying for one every semester if you can.

In the meantime, please get some professional help with the cutting. Also, consider a Gender Therapist?

What happens if you take some time off of school and work?

Does that scenario help you at this point?

What are your options?

Hope you stay in touch and let us know how things are going for you?

With Sincere Concern,

Brad

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