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[Guest silentvibrava]

My start wasn't the worst, but it wasn't the best. My dad beat my mother while she was pregnant with me. Still, my mother wanted me and she never sought to terminate the pregnancy. My dad is a sophisticated and cleverly disguised sociopath. Charming at the first sight, no one guessed the monster he truly was behind closed doors.

I was born and I had moderate autism with sensory processing and integration disorder (SID). Even though I had a developmental language delay, some of my first words were that "I was a boy."

My mom took me and my sibling across the country to get away to escape the abuse.

We had no support system, about to experience homelessness, when my mother decided to move into another women's house out of desperation. This women beat me. And, one day when I was three years old, I was raped by male relatives and/or friends of this women. Whether this happened more than once or more than one person, I am not sure. The SID and transgenderism (FTM) made it feel ten times worse. I never told my mom because I thought she wouldn't believe me or would feel guilty about it.

When I went through puberty, I had a mental breakdown. When I was seventeen, I also had a mental breakdown at high school. During the second mental breakdown, I spoke German. I don't know German. I've never been to Germany and neither has my family. This is according to my principal who was a native of Germany. She told me I was speaking the language and "knew the countryside like a native would". In the hospital, I was having visions of WWII. It was the most bizarre thing that ever happened to me. I was locked up for a while and was more scarred than ever when I came out.

When I have my periods, it is a double whammy because I experience gender dysphoria. They also trigger the memory of when I was bled out by a guy when I was three years old against my will. Every month I basically relive my past abuse. I can't take birth control, because I'm transgender and would only make the gender dysphoria worse.

In college, things became better. I got top surgery, and I will be getting testosterone soon. Having the periods stop and passing for the first time will be amazing.

I came out as transgender in college. I hate my computer science major because of the other undergraduates and their rape culture. I can tell I'm not part of their in-group. They try to include me, but I keep a good distance from them. I feel much better now, and I can now prevent mental breakdowns as I'm much more at peace and in touch with myself.

I'm too scared to have relationships. I've run away from dating because I'm scared someone will beat me. I think this might serve as an advantage, because I concentrate solely on my work and schooling. I'd love a relationship, but I haven't built up a lot of skills, and the experience in childhood has left me scarred. I've only made out with one person so far in my life. That's about as far as we went.

I have a suspicion I might have contracted an STD from my rapist. It is highly unlikely but there is a chance. This is why I've refused sex from people who wanted me to go all the way with me and I them. I want to make sure I'm clean before doing that. But, as I see myself as male, going to a vag-specialist is hard to swallow. I've money, but I am saving courage now.

I have post traumatic stress from both the puberty and childhood sexual assault. I'm trying to glue the pieces of my fragile psyche together. Slowly but surely, I am building a new life for myself. I found out I cannot handle large amounts of stress well. I like to space out my work, not procrastinate, and do my job well the first time.

I'm ready to leave this past behind me and just create a new start. I'm planning on leaving computer science once I graduate with my Bachelor's, because I resent the type of people who are attracted. I've been successful as a student, and I'm trying so hard to fill the other gaps in my life where I see where there might be a problem.

I'm okay, and I have a lot of support and love. I feel that the good of humanity is being held hostage by the bad, but I find myself very distrustful around cisgender men. I'm on here mainly to get advice on going about relationships as a transman.

I've been learning to cook, sing, have a sexy body, and be a gentleman to swoon and swan the ladies. I'm introverted so it is very important she make the move first, because I won't. I truly am a self-made man.

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Hi and Welcome to Laura's Playground

My my what a life you have had. I'm sorry to hear about the bad things that have happened to you as a young child. Your innocence never should have never been taken from you.

Fundamentally, relationships require trust. It seems you need help on developing that trust with other people.

Welcome.

Brenda

[gennee]

Welcome to Laura's. Seems like you have moved on and are living the life you want.

I agree with Brenda in that you need to develop trust with others.

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi silentvibrava,

<<< hug >>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna