The Continued Confusion Of Konnor...

[Guest Konnor]

Howdy all...yeah, it's me again. With some more confusion that I need opinions on, woo!!

An update on what's been going on since I posted last: I'm back at my old college and much happier here. I'm doing a lot better in my studies, and though I don't have many friends yet, I feel more comfortable since I went here before. I got to see my Navy boyfriend over Christmas, which was amazing because we've been apart since September and we won't be together again until June. I didn't get a single item of girl clothes for Christmas, so I thought my parents might be getting the hang of this. So things are really looking up for me. Except the trans thing...

My parents won't talk to me at all about it, even when I bring it up to them. My dad has previously discussed (over the summer, when I first came out to them) how he will not support any transitioning and how if I decide to transition, I am not welcome at home anymore. He still feels this way. My mom still thinks that because I'm dating a man, everything is fixed and I can be a happy straight girl. Things are getting even more complicated now because Andrew (the boyfriend) and I have started talking about getting engaged and married. (We started talking about it because my older sister just got engaged. I have to be a bridesmaid and wear a strapless, tea length hot pink dress. I am NOT happy!!) We've talked to both sets of parents about it. His mom is basically cool with whatever is going to make us happy. Not the story for my parents...they want the whole big diamond engagement ring, white dress wedding. So I'm really torn. I know I can't spend my life making my parents happy, but I don't know what I'd do without my family. I want to marry Andrew, I'm even kind of okay with being his wife instead of his husband. But I just can't picture myself in that wedding dress, or with that honking diamond on my finger. I don't want to look back and regret not having our wedding our way...but I also don't want to lose my family.

I have plenty of time to ponder this. Andrew was hinting on getting engaged next winter, and we won't get married until I'm out of school. (2 years after that) But this has just been bugging me and I wanted to get some input from y'all. Thinking about this even has me wondering if I really would be okay living as his wife, as a tomboyish woman. I just don't know what to do and I'm awful confused. Can anyone give me some help or opinions?? Thanks in advance!!

--Konnor

[Sally]

Wow!

That is a lot to think about! You mentioned near the end that you even wondered about being a tomboish wife.

Are you unsure about how masculine you need to be? And if so how does Andrew feel about this?

If you and Andrew are really serious - you need to be discussing these things with him (with him in the Navy - you'd better not do the discussions any way but in person) if he is your future and that's what you hope for entering into a marriage - then you need to find a way to please each other and not worry so much about your family's views. That is how I lost my wife - she decided to please them and forget about me.

Explore the tomboy approach - there is no law that says you can't find your comfort zone with something as simple as being a tomboy - it all depends on how it makes you feel.

Good luck,

Sally

[Guest Konnor]

Thanks for your advice and questions, Sally. It always helps to have another viewpoint!! On to your questions...no, I don't think I'm unsure on how masculine to be. I'm pretty doggone masculine, lol. I'm just worried that I could be making the wrong choice...like if I can be happy by being a tomboyish woman, then there's no need to go further and transition. I guess I'm just questioning everything right now...Andrew and I have discussed all of this multiple times, especially over the holidays together. And basically he just wants me to be happy. He's not leaving and he supports whatever I choose to do. He'll marry me as a woman, or take me away to marry me as a man. He really loves me and I'm so lucky to have him! As to exploring the tomboy approach...I guess I can try that. I'm going to go back to my psychologist and update her on everything that's been going on. I haven't seen her since summer, before I left for school, so I have a lot to get out. Thanks again for your advice, I really appreciate it!

[Sally]

My therapist always tells me to find your level of comfort and that is as far as you need to go - try the tomboy thing and you'll know if it doesn't do it for you, then move on.

You are so lucky to have Andrew - hang on to him - that is one remarkable human being!

Glad to have helped even just a little,

Sally

[Guest Evan_J]

It sounds like you're under a LOOOT of pressure, and I'm sorry that's true. I would do whatever will make you not cry when you see those pictures. Wedding pictures are forever, even if the two people don't stay together. Regrets on the wedding day are there every single day. I don't want your "day" to ruin your "life" so take it slow and be selfish if you need to. Your parents had exactly the wedding they wanted, I doubt I'd give em mine to have too.

[Guest Jackson]

I'll tell you my experience.

When I was younger, I didn't realize to the full extent what the feeling like a boy on the inside was going to do to me. So I thought I could just live life normally and be happy. My first marriage (eloped) didn't work because he was a liar and a cheater. So after that, I did really consider transitioning; however, I was not in a good place to live to do something like that. So I thought it was all just a pipe dream and I let it go.

I thought I would be able to live normally again. So I got married again. This was the big wedding my parents always wanted. So it was cool. But it wasn't. My husband Bill and I started having issues and it really all boiled down to the need to transition. The need was really subconscious too. It wasn't until this last February when he told me that I might be happier going through the process when I finally seriously thought about it.

Now had I known it was going to cause these kind of problems, I wouldn't have gotten married again. But Bill and I have been such great friends since we met. We own a house and some land together. And I wouldn't give up the great times we had married together either. So we're still living together as roommates. "Brothers" is how we're planning to explain it.

It'll take a lot of thought on your part. But just really think everything through before you make any decisions.

[Guest Konnor]

Thanks Evan and Jackson for your input! Evan, you're completely right about the wedding thing...I needed someone else to tell me that it's okay to be selfish though. Thanks man. And Jackson, it's really good to hear a similar story!! That's one of my fears...that I will ruin my relationship with Andrew if I try to live as a woman and marry him, then figure out it's not right for me. Not saying that will automatically happen, but I will not lose him. Your story really helped...thanks for sharing it with me!! We definitely have a lot of discussion and time before we will make any decisions, but it really helps to get some input now. Thanks everyone!

[Guest Emily1]

The one depressing thing about asking these kinds of questions online is that none of us have even nearly the amount of knowledge that you do about the situation, and as such, we cannot give any definites. (I understand the desire for them.) What I can say is do whatever you feel you need to.

In my case, I'm nowhere near marriage yet, but right now, i can only barely imagine being somebody's husband, and only because I am very similar to my dad (who is still married to my mom), and I never really enjoy it when I think about it .

Anyways, hope everything works out for you,

Emily

[Guest Crossroads]

I'm going to say what I always say:

You have to decide YOUR priorities!

Who is FIRST in your life? Is it Andrew? Is it your parents? Is it yourself?

Once you decide that, you can move on.

I could say a lot of horrible things because of the bad experiences I've had with my family, but I won't. I could spill out my story as if it would help. This isn't about me. Every person's priorities decide what they should do in this majorly important decision. This is about you. Decide what is most important to you, and go from there. Good luck, and I look forward to updates.

[Guest Konnor]

Thanks Emily and Jules...On the priorities thing...Andrew is easily my first priority. But my family is definitely second. Especially because of my age and financial status (still in school for around 3 more years, living at home, etc) I can't really afford to get kicked out of the family right now. Like I said, I have plenty of time to figure this stuff out, but I just wanted to see what you all had to say now.

[Guest Nicholas Aiden]

...like if I can be happy by being a tomboyish woman, then there's no need to go further and transition.

I think a lot of people have had this exact thought, atleast i have. But when it goes away and doesn't come back again, thats when you know. And I think thats a lot of people's "turning point". Cause for those where transition is right, you may have this thought, and you might have it ALOT for a while. But if the fears fade, and you realize you would be happier as a full time man, thats when you know.

I hope I helped a little bit

[Guest leo]

time your time is the advice i have, especially since your young

[Guest Emily1]

Thanks Emily and Jules...On the priorities thing...Andrew is easily my first priority. But my family is definitely second. Especially because of my age and financial status (still in school for around 3 more years, living at home, etc) I can't really afford to get kicked out of the family right now. Like I said, I have plenty of time to figure this stuff out, but I just wanted to see what you all had to say now.

That does make sense. If that were to happen to me, I think that I would just have to delay transition and the wedding until after school.

-Emily

[Guest Jackson]

Thinking about this even has me wondering if I really would be okay living as his wife, as a tomboyish woman.

--Konnor

Now, this was my problem. I was positive that I could live like that. And things just started going downhill a few years after we got married. But there's a difference between Bill and I and you and Andrew. Bill and I are both hetero guys. It took us quite a long time to finally get to the point that we realized what the problem was. For a long time it was all in my subconscious.

Bill also brought up another interesting issue to me about you and Andrew. He also mentioned that if you two go ahead and get married and live as male and female for years, it may be more difficult then if you do decide to transition. So that's another thing to think about. Not like you don't have enough to think about already. I don't want you missing anything that you should really look at when making a decision like this. I always like to have as much information and really think about everything before making really big decisions.

[Guest Konnor]

Thanks Nicholas!! That really helps, I'm glad I'm not the only one who's had that thought. I've only really started thinking that, so I guess we'll see if it goes away anytime soon. And thanks Leo and Emily for your advice, every little bit helps!!

[Sally]

Oh Konnor,

There are two very important things to remember!

1) It is your life, you ultimately are the one with control over it and will have to live with your decissions!

2) We are glad to give you advice - never orders, you can pick and chose and find whatever works best for you!

Sally's bonus thing to remember (free of charge) you are still very young, there is no rush on any of these decissions, take your time, be sure you make a choice that you can live with and move on!

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

Whoa...your parents are definitely not being very cool about things. I'm so sorry... That's not cool.

Okay. Here's my little story:

I tried to do the "live as a tomboy" thing for a long time. It worked for a while, but eventually I found that it wasn't going to work over the long term. At the point when I realized this, I was engaged to a man. I loved him and still love him. He was fine with the idea of me not being feminine. I mean, he'd still ask me to do little "favors" like wearing a dress on special occasions. I mean, he was a heterosexual guy and I knew that. It shouldn't have been surprising that he'd like me to do feminine things at least some of the time.

Anyway, as "wedding time" approached , I freaked out more. I could never get comfortable with the idea of marrying him to the point where I could make myself consider planning a wedding. I loved him deeply but couldn't figure out what my specific hang up was. It drove me nuts...both literally and figuratively. I had to go on anxiety meds for a while. Finally the stress of it forced me to face the source of my discomfort. When it really came down to it, not only was I not happy with a female gender role and being the "woman" in a relationship, a big part of my problem was feeling freaked out by my own body. I couldn't stand the femaleness of it. I didn't like to see myself or have anyone else look at me (fiance included). This was a constant source of problems for us. He'd interpret my discomfort with "physical stuff" as a sign that I didn't love him. This couldn't have been further from the truth! It's nearly impossible to explain body dysphoria to someone who doesn't have it. I'd be all like "It's not you. It's me!"...but I know it sounded like a bunch of BS to him. He's overweight and very insecure about that. His insecurity let him get closer to understanding dysphoria, but it still isn't quite the same thing. I think the only people who understand dysphoria are people that have it themselves.

When I came out to him as trans and we talked about things. In the end, we decided we were both straight men. The more male I look, the less he's physically attracted to me. He was physically attracted to Ainsley, the female version...not Ainsley version 2.0. I mean, she was a cute girl...but it was kind of false advertising for what was inside.

We still love each other very much. I love him. He loves me. The thing is that we decided that the best thing for both of us was not to be together as a couple anymore. He was willing to leave things open ended, but didn't give much hope for changing his sexual orientation. I don't blame him. I'd tried for years to change mine (to please my family) and it didn't work. Two straight guys, even if they love each other...probably aren't going to make a good couple.

Yeah...so what's the point of me writing all this? Hmmm... Oh yeah. I guess what I'm saying is that if the idea of being the "wife" doesn't bother you, maybe the tomboy thing will work. If your fella isn't going to expect you to be something you aren't, it could totally work. If you don't really have bad body dysphoria, it could work. For me, the body stuff wasn't going to resolve with time. I hated having breasts...and being all "soft"...and being expected to shave. Also, the "wife" thing was a deal breaker. What pushed me over the edge with that was the realness of the feminine identity when you started being a man's fiance. People changed the whole way they reacted to me and I both hated and resented it. As a single person I had lived a fairly genderless experience. As a person who was the female partner of a male, the female identity was in my face and it freaked me right out.

I think you'll be fine as long as you work through all of these issues before moving forward. If you don't have a counselor, definitely make sure you see one who is experienced with gender issues. Like Sally said, maybe being a tomboy is your comfort zone. I've known plenty of people that were female bodied and hated dresses. It's all good...

[Guest Konnor]

Sally, thank you for your very good advice!! Especially the free one...I have to keep reminding myself that I don't have to make a concrete decision tomorrow, that I have plenty of time! And Ainsley, wow. Thank you for sharing your story!! It really helps me to hear stories of people who have tried to live this out, I think it makes it seem more real to me. I kind of keep trying to tell myself that I'll be fine being his wife and I'm fine with my body. But I'm really not sure...I don't think I have body dysphoria, I'm pretty fond of sex with him, even though I am not so fond of my body. But I think that's more of the normal "I'm fat, I need more muscles, I wish I had a more masculine body" type of thing. (Sorry if I'm not allowed to talk about sex here? I wasn't sure if that was okay or not...) Haha, that's funny that you brought up shaving. I seriously hate shaving...my parents would freak out if they saw the amount of hair on my body! Andrew is actually jealous because I have more armpit hair than he does. I'm sorry that your situation turned out the way it did Ainsley, but you're right, a relationship between two straight guys is probably not going to work! Thanks again for your advice and I hope things are looking up for you!!

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

Sally, thank you for your very good advice!! Especially the free one...I have to keep reminding myself that I don't have to make a concrete decision tomorrow, that I have plenty of time! And Ainsley, wow. Thank you for sharing your story!! It really helps me to hear stories of people who have tried to live this out, I think it makes it seem more real to me. I kind of keep trying to tell myself that I'll be fine being his wife and I'm fine with my body. But I'm really not sure...I don't think I have body dysphoria, I'm pretty fond of sex with him, even though I am not so fond of my body. But I think that's more of the normal "I'm fat, I need more muscles, I wish I had a more masculine body" type of thing. (Sorry if I'm not allowed to talk about sex here? I wasn't sure if that was okay or not...) Haha, that's funny that you brought up shaving. I seriously hate shaving...my parents would freak out if they saw the amount of hair on my body! Andrew is actually jealous because I have more armpit hair than he does. I'm sorry that your situation turned out the way it did Ainsley, but you're right, a relationship between two straight guys is probably not going to work! Thanks again for your advice and I hope things are looking up for you!!

Things are all good now, thanks.

I'm not sure where you draw the line between normal body "nitpicking" like most people do and dysphoria. For me, I think it was pretty clear cut. If sex doesn't freak you out, then that's a good thing. With me, it would make me feel all icky...even though I loved my fiance. I just wanted to cuddle and stop there. With girls I'm not like that so much.

Yeah...you really don't have to have things figured out by tomorrow. Just keep being honest with yourself. Over time I think the answer will become clearer to you. Sometimes you can't "figure stuff out" so much as you have to keep going and see how you feel about things as they unfold.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Konner

You probably see me post now and then, even in the FTM group. We all seem to be basically in the same boat even if I am MTF - but I am also older.

Sweetheart, I was diagnosed late into this transgender world, but I have been married three times. My first wife died early and unexpectedly so that marriage isn't that relevant in my TS story - but my second marriage lasted 18 years, and was hetero all the way - and I was able to function. But I was miserable most of the time and had to be what I wasn't - a husband. We split when I told her how I really am - her choice.

My current wife and I 'accidently' married because I never intended to marry again. we were just to much alike and fell hard for each other. I still played husband again for 10 years and hated that, but was able to really keep her happy. Now I am outed to her. I should have done it before we married as she really felt betrayed. But it looks like we will possibly grow old together even as two women - I am in transition.

The point?

Be careful that you are 100% certain what you are doing is right. Your posting seems to show you aren't sure. Give it a lot of time. You have the rest of your life to make up your mind. I was happy to have a chance to have my children - I suppose that is the reward. But I was mainly miserable for a long-long time. I should have transitioned as early as possible if I was to be happy. But happiness is never guaranteed, I don't know... are we supposed to be happy?

But you are still young - look into your heart - look into your heart.

Silly reply I guess. You seem so uncertain I felt like I heard alarm bells going off. Good advice coming at you from all directions and it's hard to know your own mind. Please be careful...

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

Konnor, I think that the fact you asking yourself these kinds of questions up front is awesome. It shows a lot of maturity and self-insight. When I was your age I was so deeply in denial that I never even considered if I was doing the right thing.

Keep us posted with how you are doing!

[Guest Konnor]

Thanks Jackson, Ainsley, Elizabeth!! Naw Elizabeth, your post isn't stupid at all. You are completely right that I am not sure at all. You brought up a good point with having children...that's something Andrew and I really want together. But I'm not sure I want to actually have them, I could definitely do without that part. We've discussed this too, and he's fine with adopting. But if I do transition, it's probably going to be really hard to adopt as a gay couple. So I don't know...keep the advice coming, I need all the different views I can get to think about! Thanks everyone!!

[Guest Nicholas Aiden]

I'm not saying you should transition, that choice is obviously up to you. But I beleive you're decision should be based purely on your inner feelings about gender. I know everyone worries about family, children, spouses, etc. But when it comes down to it, you know who's special based on who is there for you, and all things can and will work themselves out for the best.

But you've got to be happy about you, before your life can piece itself together.

Those are my two cents

[Guest Crossroads]

Just wanted to give you a link. http://www.hrc.org

The Human Rights Campaign website has a lot of great information for transgenders as well as gay couples for jobs, adopting, etc.

Angie and I have been looking at adopting. New laws are in place allowing companies to choose who they want to discriminate against. It's even harder now than it used to be to adopt. And in many states, fees are doubled with you are "not married". Angie and I wondered at first if transition would be a good idea purely because it would give us many of the benefits we can't get right now. Those 1000 rights that are denied same sex couples because of religious battles...most people down here (down south) don't even understand that the issues aren't about a piece of paper.

Anyway, I hope that HRC might give you some insight in your choices no matter what you choose. I was surprised to find many jobs actually offer full coverage of transitioning!

[Guest Konnor]

Thanks Jules! That will be really helpful when we're ready to start our family! Good luck to you and Angie!!