in a bit of a hard place, just when things seemed they were going great

[Guest José rawks sox]

Well, I was happy, the happiest ive ever been, my self confidence level seemed to have gone up to a point I thought id never ever have in a life time. I felt good. I struggled with an eating disorder from age 13 to my early 20's where I was at such a low weight it was a wonder I honestly didn't pass away from it. The hardest thing would happen next, I pretty much had a mental breakdown and was put on a high dose of an antipsychotic medication that caused me to be bigger then I ever had been at almost 200 pounds, I was miserable, I started to despise even looking in the mirror because the person I saw looking back was far from handsome, in my own eyes possibly the ugliest person I had ever seen as bad as that sounds it went through my head day after day. After about 2 and half tears of taking it I finally was able to get off of the medication and was treated mostly with therapy and by August of 2012 on the 30th to be exact I got my first shot of t and by then had been even smaller then when I gained all that weight.

Well now ive gotten back down to a size 34 sometimes 33 size jeans in the men's section and I started to feel great over the past couple months even, throwing my cares out the window about how I saw myself, I did want to lose a little more weight but for the right reasons, well over the past week my feeling of being overweight and unattractive have come back with a vengeance my boyfriend of almost two years as of this coming February was a bigger guy, not only in height but he was quite bigger then myself and he never seemed to worry about it, he was confident and happy, I loved him for his personality more then anything but I was very physically attracted as well.

He has now decided he wants to be buff and toned that he will get the best body possible which yeah thats fine, ill love him no matter what but he is suddenly envious of other guys saying he wishes to look like them, where do I come into play here?? Suddenly I feel I wont be good enough for his newly set high standards for himself, I suddenly feel ashamed of my body and want to be back to my old weight when I was nothing but skin and bones. I was all right, I was happy, everything was great and suddenly I feel so embarrassed to even eat again.

My birthday is this coming Saturday and for the first time in what will be 26 years of my life I am so ashamed I bought a cake, I suddenly feel I dont even want it, that if I do eat any that ill fall further from being happy, I told him about it and he knows of my past but I dont think he realized what he said today stung so badly. He said he knew I wanted to lose weight and that what worked for his mom was diet pills, when I tried to make up an excuse that I couldn't take them (stepping around that I would lose control) he said no they are safe they wont hurt you but later caught on the hurt of my past, the pain I endured because I felt I had to be perfect. im so ashamed for even letting myself get down again but I feel so big and I dont want to be this big I want to be thin so badly. I secretly will not completely hive up smoking unless my dr tells me I absoutly have to because im scared of gaining weight, I dont wanna look like this, I miss being told how skinny I was and that I was so handsome I am scared if i try to lose anymore intentionally ill spiral out of control all over again. I just wish i felt attractive like i had been.

I see my belly especially and how chubby it still is when it used to be so flat and i think about it when i eat now, i am just suddenly aware of it all over. I never thought that i would go back to this, i feel bad but yet i just am so upset both for letting myself feel this way again and also for knowing that i can't control myself once i start to diet and exercise because i can't stop when i do. :'(

So sorry just needed to vent i feel so bad. I dont think i used any bad language, i was typing quickly and just getting it all out, if i did i am so terribly sorry if any of this calls for being edited.

[Carolyn Marie]

Jose, your post is just fine, and I am very sorry you are feeling this way right now.

I don't know a much about eating disorders, but I wanted to make sure this stayed an active post for a good while longer, and give others a chance to put in some meaningful advice.

When it comes to self acceptance of our own appearance, transfolk seem especially vulnerable to doubts. I struggle myself, and haven't figured out how to lose what I ought to lose. I know it takes a lot of effort and dedication. But there is also the need to just accept the fact that none of us are perfect - the human body wasn't meant to be perfect. Those few who are, well, they are as "abnormal" as we are, and as much the exception.

If you have a therapist or counselor, please talk to them, and be open and honest with your partner, too. He deserves to know how you feel.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest José rawks sox]

Jose, your post is just fine, and I am very sorry you are feeling this way right now.

I don't know a much about eating disorders, but I wanted to make sure this stayed an active post for a good while longer, and give others a chance to put in some meaningful advice.

When it comes to self acceptance of our own appearance, transfolk seem especially vulnerable to doubts. I struggle myself, and haven't figured out how to lose what I ought to lose. I know it takes a lot of effort and dedication. But there is also the need to just accept the fact that none of us are perfect - the human body wasn't meant to be perfect. Those few who are, well, they are as "abnormal" as we are, and as much the exception.

If you have a therapist or counselor, please talk to them, and be open and honest with your partner, too. He deserves to know how you feel.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

Thank you for your reply, I understand that no one is perfect because even I myself as much as I try to see all the good in people true perfection all around I dont believe can be reached but yes I know that especially transmen and transwomen that some of us may deal with it in a different light because for alot of us already being uncomfortable in our bodies and such. :/ I tried to talk to my boyfriend just a couple of hours ago but honestly I feel even worse now, he didn't understand at all, he told me basically I had too choices "stay how I am now and be depressed or lose weight and risk what I went through before but be happy because I was small...." im not dissing him but OUCH! really!? Kind of not what I hoped to hear.. I told him a million times over tonight even at my old weight I was NOT happy I wanted to lose more even if it meant I withered away to nothing but his advice to that was, well try to lose what you can and ill keep you from losing control yet again, it doesn't work that way, not for me anyway, I had my DRs threatening to send me to a treatment facility and that wasn't enough, honestly as much as it pains me to admit had I not had my mental breakdown and had to take that medicine that had such a bad side effect for causing weight gain.. I dont think id still even be alive today I didn't want a pity party from him or for him to falsely have to reassure me I was handsome but his wording made me feel like I wasn't anything special and that id basically look better did I lose weight even if he didn't mean it that way. I broke down crying and I tried to hide that I was and he did ask me if I was crying and although I didn't mean to blurt it out I said "im so tired of being ugly" to which he said why do you think that so I again stated I felt fat and all I got for a response was "sorry... I dont honestly know what to say to help you wont try to make yourself happy, I told you id keep you from losing control"

I feel so ashamed and it probably made me seem like such a fool who just needed attention in his eyes, I am starting to tear up again while writing this. I guess its killing me too because I see all the people he used to be with and they are in my eyes so much better looking then ill ever be

I talked to my therapist this past Monday about it and she kept reassuring me I was fine that I was a nice looking guy that my weight didn't make me any less as good as anyone else and so on so forth but now I feel im down even farther after trying to explain to my boyfriend how big of a deal this way and it wasn't that easy, had it been I wouldnt have ever been in that position. I just feel so bad, I dont usually cry anymore about anything unless im so bothered by it that I can't hold back and honestly I cried so hard tonight and I guess that made me feel weak too I know being perfect isn't possible but I wish so bad I could be and that maybe just once I could feel special and not just average or below in the eyes of someone who I hold such a high opinion of myself. To think maybe he was hinting id be more attractive and was willing to let me take that chance more for his sake of how I look then my own well being .. I dont even know. Maybe im wrong and that's not what he meant but its how he sounded

[Guest Robin Winter]

I sincerely wish I had some advice to offer you, but like Carolyn, I'm not really familiar with eating disorders. I think the best thing is to keep up with your therapy or start again if you've stopped. Make sure you share your interactions with your boyfriend with the therapist, they might be able to offer better insight. I don't personally think he intended to imply anything, I just think he probably thought it was the safest response, but not knowing what it's like to be in your shoes, I don't know what sort of feelings his comments might give you. I really think therapy is the best option right now. If nothing else, I want you to know that I do care and I really hate not knowing the right thing to say to help

[Guest José rawks sox]

I sincerely wish I had some advice to offer you, but like Carolyn, I'm not really familiar with eating disorders. I think the best thing is to keep up with your therapy or start again if you've stopped. Make sure you share your interactions with your boyfriend with the therapist, they might be able to offer better insight. I don't personally think he intended to imply anything, I just think he probably thought it was the safest response, but not knowing what it's like to be in your shoes, I don't know what sort of feelings his comments might give you. I really think therapy is the best option right now. If nothing else, I want you to know that I do care and I really hate not knowing the right thing to say to help

Thank you for your reply, im a little bit able to focus more today then I was last night, still trying to sort though my thoughts but the crying aspect hasn't happened since I woke up, my mind actually seems a little less foggy if that males sense. I did talk to my boyfriend again and I tried to calmly explain everything rather then blurting it all out in one nonstop sentence like I did last night and luckly I was able to fight back the tears and so it was probably alot easier to understand what I was saying (in the aspect that I wasnt hyperventilating and getting choked up with my words) I feel semi better now then I did, still have many feelings to sort though about myself and my expectations and goals that I set up, I need to not become so focused on certain things that I end up sabotoshing myself in the end.

Just trying to keep calm and direct my thoughts into other places so if I think about these things I dont start to obsess with a point of no return as I was doing. I do plan to talk to my theripist next time I go for my appt in two weeks so hopefully it will help as well. Thank you to both of you for replying, it means alot to know that there are people who genuinlly care, it really means so much.

As I said I guess even though I will need to come to terms with how I feel ill break it down in to sections kind of so I dont spend every waking moment of my time becoming consumed by my negative thoughts that sometimes come in my head, if I obsess ill drive myself batty.

I am going to relax and destress, maybe my birthday on Saturday wont be so bad and maybe it will actually help me to loosen up a bit. We will see but i can hope thats the case. Again thank you both!!

[Guest Gregg Jameson]

Hi Jose',

I am sorry you are having a tough time.

I am also sorry I am just seeing your post. I have been away for a few days.

As you know, Jose', these are very serious matters for you.

The eating disorder can become the life or death threat you have written about, for sure.

I am sorry you had experienced a "breakdown," but am glad that is behind you. Please never be ashamed of this occurrence. Whenever someone makes it through such an experience, s/he has learned so very much!

I am very familiar with the medication (type or class) you had needed to use during this time and it is well-known to cause weight gain, rapid weight gain, often. Yet, let's keep this in perspective. It's better you have lived, have survived this even if you had gained some weight during treatment with this med or this med class. Yes? Yes! Absolutely!!!

Keep this in mind, as sometimes one may need to go back to the same or a similar medication, at least for a short-term if experiencing problems again. PLEASE note your own words about this treatment having saved your life! It's important you always remember this in this way, as when things go awry, it's easy for this information to get somehow distorted. Please do remember you have felt, when you are well, that this medication has saved your life!

I understand, from what I have read of your posts on this thread, that you fully understand you cannot take the diet pills.

Jose', this is correct. You cannot take the diet pills, without risking your life. Not only will this kick in your eating disorder and weight loss compulsion, these types of pills can also trigger mental instability and can make obsessions and/or compulsions even more intense. These pills trigger some people into serious life-threatening states of mania, as well. You already know your system is sensitive to these types of meds and issues. Please be very, very careful with all of this.

I am very concerned for you. It is likely the diet pill will bring you back to a place of illness, both physical and psychological. It will likely cause you to need to take the medication again. It sounds like you have only recently stabilized enough to get off of the medication?

Jose'. I cannot tell if your boyfriend is being unreasonable or if you are reacting strongly to whatever he is saying...or exactly what is going on between the two of you. It is clear you care deeply for him and want to please him. I am sure he also cares for you.

Yet, from what you have written,, he clearly does not understand that he cannot control this for you at all, once you start with diet pills, etc. You know this, as you have stated this in your posts. I am glad you know this. This is truth, Jose'.

I cannot tell if he is putting undue pressure on you to conform to his idea of a more attractive body, or is this is your 'fear," that you are not attractive enough for him? Do you have a more clear sense of the dynamics of what's going on between you and him now?

If you are putting this pressure on yourself, please address this with your therapist, right away! Please don't wait for the two weeks to pass before you see your therapist again. Please touch bases with your therapist quickly.

If he is pressuring you, please also contact your therapist for support, asap! Either way, please let your therapist know what's going on for you now?

Jose', I was checking your posts while writing this one to you and had noticed you did place your picture here. You had asked what people had thought about your physical appearance. The responses are overwhelmingly favorable! Seriously!

You look great! No B.S., Jose'! You can see the responses for yourself! Have you forgotten the feedback you'd had on this here?

Please stop and consider if some of this feeling of imperfection is a distortion on your part? Often the body image issues like the ones you experience, involve some thought/perception distortions. I know you know this. You are not an ugly person, by any meaning of the word, "ugly." Yet, because of the types of dificulties you are experiencing, you may "feel" ugly or less than perfect or less than ideal for your partner. Please understand how this distortion come about for you, or at least try to remember there is some distortion involved and contact your therapist.

This is where you have to step in and take some control for yourself, Jose'. You have to remind yourself about these types of body image distortions. You have to remind yourself that you tend to get into an obsession, just as you have mentioned. Please also call upon your therapist! Please, Jose'. It's critical your therapist know you are going through this right now.

Please also feel you can go into chat here! Don't hesitate, Jose'. Wonderful people are available in chat!

You are truly a decent person, such a good heart, so kind! You are also very handsome. Check the thread where you had left your picture and had asked for feedback here!

You know, you say so in your writing, this is all very dangerous territory for you. You can conquer all of this by using your wisdom, all you have already learned about these issues for yourself. You know much of this quickly becomes life or death for you!

Your dog needs you, Jose'. Your boyfriend needs you! We also need you! The world needs more people like you!

Please keep us updated on how you are doing?

The forum does slow down from time to time, Jose'. Yet, chat is always open! So please keep that option in mind if/when you would like immediate interactions?

I am thinking of you and hope all is well.

You can stay on top of this. Jose'. If you are not able to do so, there's no shame in this, either. Truly!

Continue to reach out, Jose'!

Please contact your therapist, asap.

I hope we hear from you again, soon, as well!

With Love and Concern,

Brad