Can Anyone Help Me?

[Guest Sam]

Basically, i've been on this site for a year reading the FTM forum and thinking thats what i was, and basically i told my whole family and then went the doctor 2 months ago to tell her I thought i was FTM and could she refer me to a gender therapist.

However after thinking about it alot more deeply i think i've been too hasty, I didn't even think of the idea that their might be a middle ground inbetween the two genders, because i definately can relate to both.

Anyway, the problem is, i have no idea what to do now, i mean what do i say to my doctor, will she even know about it? And, what i hate more than anything is having a female chest, so is it possible to have chest surgery or any other surgery you may need, or would they not take me seriously because a flat chest is whats associated with men and i'm not saying thats what i am. I don't know what the hell to do at the moment, at least when i thought i was FTM it was more clear cut, but now i'm so confused, arrggh i hate myself so much, whats wrong with me!!

Can anyone help, or at least reassure me i'm not alone, which it feels like at the moment.

[Guest Donna Jean]

Can anyone help, or at least reassure me i'm not alone, which it feels like at the moment.

Hello, Sam....

Well, I'm here first and I want to be the first to tell you that you are not alone..

We have a very helpful and loving community here and you'll find out real soon!

I'm MTF, so I look at the physical thing differently....But, I understand the pain...we're all here together and we share and help and support each other...

Here ..Have some hot coco and a couple of cookies..that just breaks the ice a little.....

Now.....

Sit back...some of the fellas and gals will be right along and you'll see some serious love.....

XXOO

Donna Jean

[Sally]

Sam,

Don't let yourself fixate on the only two genders idea, it does not work for everyone!

If you find a gender therapist and tell her all that you feel, she will help you find where you need to be.

Chest surgery isn't automatically ruled out because you don't want to become fully male - it is something that must be worked out between you and your therapist.

There is nothing wrong with you other than you see the world in color while the rest of the world is viewing it in Black & White.

You are not alone, everyone here has doubts and needs reassurance.

I hope that you can find someone to help you find where you need to be!

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Evan_J]

You aren't the only one, I went to a support meeting in my home city recently so that I could get an idea of what exactly was out there for folks who feel like you do. Bear in mind, this information may be specific to the U. S., however.....The facilitator of that group -a transitioned woman- is also a gender therapist who supports those who feel uneasy with a complete transition. In counseling with her she would say "go as far as you need to, and keep what you feel". She also was honest and informative in saying that whether or not a therapist will follow that same school of thought is individual and dependant upon the personal views of that therapist. In truth there is a lot in transitioning that is varied according to the therapist utilized. If you are able to locate your local lgbt community resources and either attend a meeting or function in which you can meet other transgendered people you stand a very good chance of finding out the names of several different therapists who deal with gender issues in your area and will be more able to shop for the kind of therapist you need. Once you set on a therapist please ask them to assist you in choosing a doctor, whether for HRT or top surgery or whatever because they also will be aware of which doctors in your area will take a transgendered patient only intending to undergo "some" of the transitions.

[Guest Kelly Ann]

Hi Sam...Sam I am. Sweetheart I only wish I could tell you what to expect. I can't. Neither can anyone else and that means erm...the point is? Trust yourself to be responsible and everyone will be better off being around you. I have more than a 'guy' should have on my chest and ah the point is? You are probably not FTM and so is that a crime? LOL...the point is? Enjoy yourself...you are agonizing over the age old questions...chicken/egg-male/female...MY brain hurts...couldn't we just play pundit square hop-scotch? Make yourself giggle and laugh all you can it's the VERY best medicine there is. Your GF, Kelly Ann

[Guest androgynous]

Hi Sam!

I think you'll have to find out, that the simplest and straight to the point answer. So mu question is, what do you feel about both genders? Do you want to express only one, or do you want to express them both. Then, of course: do you want it to be permanent? or just be a certain gender when you want to? I think those are vital questions? Though not conclusive, because I also read that some androgens prefer casual cross dressing.

I have an opinion, that I'd like to say. Please, my intention is not to insult, nor is it to point fingers, so this is open to plausible discussion: I've been studying it for a short while, but in depth. I did read elsewhere that some (NOT ALL!) transsexuals can be put into the direction they went, because of two reasons: Androgyny wasn't very well known (it still isn't) and due to binary pressure. Society more or less demands your one of the two genders, and so some might or can be forced to choose for the other gender to subscribe to the "binary acceptance" of society. I think it's important to understand that this does exist, it it can or does happen. I've read that some transsexuals were quite unhappy after surgery, and felt that they've made a mistake later on, I am not saying every transsexual made a bad choice -please understand my point- but there are people who made a wrong choice. That does happen, and it is a reality for some people.

Before I noticed I was androgen, I too went through this stage thinking: What else is there? I have to be one gender or not? So I questioned everything, and first thought: well than I am gay! While I was not. I totally was not, and fell into dark moment in my life, confused of what I was.

So, I think it's very important to explore it before making any decisions before doing anything.

I think society has a problem with Androgyny, more than it has when you chose for another gender, because they don't understand that you can be both. Again, this is not to play down other forms of transgender/transsexual, but a generic conclusion because being both genders is like a myth! While, of course it isn't.

[Guest Sam]

what do you feel about both genders? Do you want to express only one, or do you want to express them both. Then, of course: do you want it to be permanent? or just be a certain gender when you want to?

I don't really want to be assigned either gender, although i don't mind if someone refers to me as she/ her because it doesn't really mean anything, its when people treat me differently according to my sex and what bodyparts i have, i dont understand. Why can't we all look and act how we feel is right and not be judged constantly.

I feel i'm at a disadvantage right away by being born female, because men just dont respect you and just think your here for their pleasure and i feel a lot of them like intimidating women because it boosts their ego, and i just hate being around all this, which has made me actually hate men altogether. But on the otherhand i have so much in common with men, like men tend to be more practically minded, and so am i, i hate the fact that just because i like comfortable clothes and short managable hair that i stand out more coz its a typical `lesbian` look.

I believe in trying to make life easier for yourself not harder which i believe is what many women do, and having a big chest just doesn't fit in, i don't see the point in having something on me that is for other peoples benefit not really mine, their just an inconvenience, i dont see the point in them. I could easy get a sex change and i know it would be so much easier to live, but i would miss all the things i like about being female like going shopping with my mum, crying at films, liking pink, being quite sensitive and gentle, not being threatening to other girls and various other things.

[Guest androgynous]

Hi Sam,

Yes, so you basically are saying that you want to be more like male, but stay feminine? that's what I draw out of your comments. The same applies for me, although backwards: I'd like to be more fem but stay male, for me it's a method to be both gender or cancel them both out to look neutral. Androgyny doesn't mean you should be both all the time, you can switch when you want to although a desire for a neutral look remains.

I get you on the fact of stereotyping, but I seems to care less each day. Yesterday I went on the streets with PURPLE! nail polish as a guy! Sure, people looked at me, but I didn't care for the reason that it feels good to me.

So I understand that you *might* be looked upon by some as being `lesbian`, but then again there isn't a real lesbian look I know off. When a girl has very short hair, it can be very sexy and really fem, if you still combine it with makeup while wearing loose clothes!

Here is an example I found on the internet, of what I mean. It looks pretty neutral, without tilting towards `lesbian` in my opinion. It is such a good example in my opinion, and an excellent combination of both genders. So it can be done with just altering small details, like clothes, hair style and accessories without having to go through a whole `sex` change:

[Guest Elizabeth K]

I don't really want to be assigned either gender, although i don't mind if someone refers to me as she/ her because it doesn't really mean anything, its when people treat me differently according to my sex and what bodyparts i have, i dont understand. Why can't we all look and act how we feel is right and not be judged constantly.

I feel i'm at a disadvantage right away by being born female, because men just dont respect you and just think your here for their pleasure and i feel a lot of them like intimidating women because it boosts their ego, and i just hate being around all this, which has made me actually hate men altogether. But on the otherhand i have so much in common with men, like men tend to be more practically minded, and so am i, i hate the fact that just because i like comfortable clothes and short managable hair that i stand out more coz its a typical `lesbian` look.

I believe in trying to make life easier for yourself not harder which i believe is what many women do, and having a big chest just doesn't fit in, i don't see the point in having something on me that is for other peoples benefit not really mine, their just an inconvenience, i dont see the point in them. I could easy get a sex change and i know it would be so much easier to live, but i would miss all the things i like about being female like going shopping with my mum, crying at films, liking pink, being quite sensitive and gentle, not being threatening to other girls and various other things.

So whats wrong with just finding your comfort zone???

No one ASSIGNS you to either gender really - you do that yourself. Let them accept you, rather than you having to accept the entirity of society. [expletive deleted] IT'S YOUR LIFE!

And - disadvantage being born female? I am at a disadvantage because I was born a transsexual. I know you can't relate to that statement right now - but I've been SAD_SAD_SAD forever. What if you had been born with a genetic defect, or as a child in a poor country where you are starving to death?

Overcome the feelings of disabvantages you feel you have as a genetic woman. Men overcome their feelings as soon as the are required to Join the Male Club - leaving behind all the 'sissy' ways of being sensitive, caring and (yes) intelligent. Men are dolts - just are. You said about the same thing yourself, afterall. You CAN pick and chose - keep the best of your female midset and add the best of what you feel is the male mindset.

Does that work? Maybe. Probably. Could it work?

Physical changes? I can't relate to losing breasts because I so miss having them (previous life? doesnt make sense does it!) But I understand your pain as being considered a sexually mature female and therefore available, just because of your chest.

And you say you could easily get a sex change - and I know you meant it would be possible for you to consider that - but an actual sex change IS NOT EASY. Yikes, so much to consider.

Sweetheart - I cry with you in your angst - and I hope like hades you can find a way.

[Guest Irielle]

Hi Sam -

It might take a while for you to know whether you are FTM or androgynous or whatever. I'm genetic male and always knew I was andro and I still have trouble sometimes. There is absolutely NO support out in the big binary world for us; we have to support each other. The gender therapist is a good idea, I have had a therapist for years.

Remember that male and female genders are out at the ends of the spectrum and you could be anywhere between them. I float around somewhere in the middle but more towards female. I thought I was MTF for a while but realized I have too much boy in me to make the transition but I have considered HRT and SRS many times. Somehow that doesn't feel quite right for me, at least for now. Maybe that is kind of how you feel but you are coming from the other direction, from the genetic female side? Not sure if going all the way FTM is right for you? Just go where it feels right for you.

Don't worry about what other people think if you change your mind; it's your right to change your mind. Just be sure of what you want before making permanent changes to yourself and it might take a long time before you know what you want and who you are. It's okay.

Please, please, please don't hate yourself. There is NOTHING wrong with you! You are not alone because you have all of us here to help you and support you. We all have to make this journey for ourselves but we don't have to make it alone. A good gender therapist will really help you. Don't let yourself get too hungry, too tired or too alone. Your heart will always tell you the truth.

Big hug!!

Irielle

[Guest mia 1]

As John Lennon said labels are for cereal boxes. You are Sam and Sam will finf the way through talk at Laura's. therapy and, through laughter, tears and your own life's experiences. Rush into nothing, observe and listen to your kindered spirit and your adverseries also. Always ask questions, listen to answers and choose your path with care. Then when your mind is made up life the moment with wild abandon...................................Mia. Welcome from your friends and family Mia.